So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Fwd: This is a forward about nothing. From: News This is an email FROM news about  news and/or nothing. It's like I'm looking in a mirror of me looking in a mirror only it's a dream but the dream is Conception but actually it was Momento only to find out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. News [news-58@realestatepronews.com] Real estate news is my favorite kind of news because it's very relevant to my life. What are the latest real estate trends? Is it a buyer's market or a farmer's market? Are interest rates something? Can I trust an agent who DOESN'T drive an absurd vehicle covered in real estate jargon? Does that house come with a dishwasher? When I have questions such as these, I don't actively research the answers myself, but instead wait to get an email from a pro in the field. Anyway, what is the news? Freak space rock spins dusty trail ... ... ... ... ... wtf The Hubble telescope has spotted an asteroid ...

Subject: ????? ?? ???? [???? ???? ??] Translation: "WHAAAAAAAA? [By the way, WHAAAAAAAA?]" I'm sure this will make more sense when I open it. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم الأخ / Buddy حفظه الله السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته نود أخبارك بأن صديقك: It's like someone is speaking to me in dots and Arabic, but stops in the middle to call me buddy. I like this email. It is my favorite email. Exact blueprints and videos in making the Hendershot Generator are provided so you can follow and make your own Hendershot Generator more convenient http://hendershotgenerator.de.pn Oh cool thanks, this website will make it a lot more convenient for me to build my Hendershot Generator. To this point the only thing stopping me from building a Hendershot Generator from scratch was lack of convenience. One time I built a generator from LEGOs, and by generator I mean house, and by LEGOs I mean crayons. And by built I mean drew. Click Here The fir...

You may or may not recall, but my other venture aside from writing super important prose about things like changing the batteries in my smoke detectors is making fun of spam emails on my blog. The Lord’s work, I know, but I am not a hero. I am just a man. One of my favorite things is when people send me their spam emails to write up. It makes me feel like “Dear Abby,” except that instead of solving people’s familial/emotional problems through great insight, I am recycling garbage on a blog that at least 10 people know/care about. One of those 10 people is my mom who, believe it or not, also occasionally sends me her spam emails to write up. I have no doubt she tells all of her coworkers to forward her spam emails so she can send them to her son who makes fun of them on his blog. “You must be so proud,” they say to her, although my mom does not detect the sarcasm and responds, “I am, I am. Now I know it was worth it to go back to school myself so that I could get my nursing ...

SO TRUE SO TRUE TELL ME A FUNNY JOKE HUNCHBACK LADY HOLDING A MOP Mop lady : DERP DON'T GET IT TRY AGAIN Mop lady : / urinates on floor / OOPSIE YO, YOU AIIIIGHT LADY? USE THE MOP FOR THAT DANG Mop lady : KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE YO? Mop lady : MY NECK YOUR NECK WHO Mop lady : JUST KIDDING I DON'T HAVE A NECK THAT'S THE JOKE LOL I HAD A TERRIBLE DAY THAT JOKE MADE IT ALL GO AWAY YOUR NECK IS HANGIN' OUT WITH YOUR CHIN IN THE BAHAMAS OR SOMETHIN' Mop lady : IT'S ONLY FUNNY IF I SAY IT A$$HOLE OH MY BAD Mop lady : DID YA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE ASIAN AND THE BLACK GUY AND THE HOOKER YO HOLD UP THAT DOESN'T SOUND RI-- Mop lady : THE BLACK GUY LIKES MY BUTT AND THE ASIAN GUY HAD A SMALL PENIS THAT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU STEPPED OVER THE LINE HUNCHBACK MOP LADY Mop lady : WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THE WHOLE PLANE OUT OF THE BLACK BOX I'M OUT, YO

BOUT TO LET GO OF THIS HEART-SHAPED BALLOON BALLOONS MAKE ME SAD :( OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD ARE CANDY AND PONIES BESIDES I ASKED THAT DANG CLOWN FOR THE FACE OF WALTER WHITE NOT A HEART DUMBASS SORRY FOR THE TYPO BUT IT'S HARD TO PROOFREAD SOMETHING WITH THIS MANY WORDS - DAILY DOSE OH ALSO THE BALLOON IS A METAPHOR SOMETHIN' BE MAKIN' YOU SAD JUST LET IT GO DOG DIED? LET THAT SH*T GO, YO IT'S THAT EASY STOP HOLDING ON TO YOUR DOG'S DEATH, JUST SEND IT INTO THE CLOUDS /RELEASES WORLD POVERTY INTO SKY/ SEE? AIN'T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT THAT NO MORE FOLLOW MY LEAD, AFRICA THROW 'DEM HUNGER PANGS UP INTO DA AIR/LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE BOOM, HAPPINESS YOU'RE WELCOME

Subject: Interested in you. /blushing./ I'm Miss  Anna  Tsunmc, i slim in stature above all i like being honesty,trusted, sincere. Whoa, whoa, hold up, Miss Anna Tslssmncc. Hold up. All of those things you said? Is everything I am, too! I also like being honesty and am slim in stature. Hashtag destiny. I have gone through your contact mail today, You WHAT? I thought you like being trusted? J/k that is cool, whatevs. it interest me to know you more, and I hope to use this opportunity to explain myself a little about me, Your words … like poetry. Please, go on. am yellow in completion, wtf. You are Marge Simpson? I maybe would have started with a different physical characteristic and then gently delved into the fact that you are yellow, i.e. “I have super big boobs and long hair and a nice butt and I like to make sex a lot also I have yellow skin no big deal .” I guess it’s possible “completion” is not a typo but that you completed y...

Dear smoke alarm company: Two years ago I wrote what could have been considered an open letter regarding your product line. In the months since I have seen no improvement, only regression. Here is another letter because I hate you. We recently had guests visit our home, guests who included two boys, 2 and 5 years old. As they slept—as we all slept—at around 3 a.m. I was greeted with the all-too-familiar sound of “Beep … … … … … … beep … … … … … … beep.” The Arizona weather had dipped below freezing, which is to say it had plummeted to an overnight low of 60 degrees, making it an absurd 73 degrees inside our home. As such, the extreme cold had drained the battery on one of our smoke alarms—one of your smoke alarms. I jumped out of bed in a panic and ran to the hallway to try and determine from which of our 28 smoke detectors the beep was coming. Luckily for me, the beep was not coming from the room where our guests’ boys were sleeping. (Lucky for you, too, because...

DANG YO CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD BE A MIME OR A CLOWN THING IS I REALLY WANT TO BE A CPA ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, STEVE THE CLOWN GUY TRYING TO GET SOME GUIDANCE OUT IN THIS BARREN FIELD /HONKS NOSE/ IS ANYBODY THERE? Voice from Heaven : You must make a "choice" ( voice makes air quotes ) to take a "chance" or your life will never "change," clown Steve. YOU'RE RIGHT, YO Voice from Heaven : Sorry for the delay, clown Steve. Didn't recognize you in your pea coat and jeans. THAT'S AIIIIIGHT, YO, FRIDAY IS DRESS DOWN DAY IMMA JUST EAT THIS APPLE OFF THIS WEIRD TREE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS /EATS APPLE/ /TURNS INTO FIRST SUCCESSFUL CLOWN CPA/

Subject: To:Air Purification ,,,13,000 hrs UV Lights,,,Amalgam Lights & Electronic Ballasts In my mind I am picturing a man standing on a table in the middle of a crowded bar, glass in hand and raised to the sky, screaming, "To air purification! ( crowd screams in delight ) ... To 13,000 hours of UV lights! ( crowd a little bit less enthused ) ... To amalgam lights and electronic ballasts!" ( crowd is like, "Alright hold up, now that's going too far." ) (Also in my mind, three commas = ellipses.) Dear Purchasing Manager to Air Purification Company, Close. This is Gina from CREATOR UV & IR Lighting Co.,Ltd. in Guangzhou. Hi Gina in Guangzhou! It turns out "Gina" is the third most popular name in the sub-provincial Chinese city of Guangzhou, so everything here checks out. CREATOR Lighting has participated in Exhibition of AHR EXPO in USA  for three consecutive times. Indeed your reputation precedes you, CREATOR Lighting. I was a gue...

OH SNAP THIS VAGINAL BIRTH REENACTMENT HAS REALLY PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE HOW MANY DELS (UNITS) OF PAIN IS IT WHEN YOU GIVE BIRTH TO A 2-YEAR-OLD BOY? MAD DELS, YO GRAB HIM BY THE EYEBROWS DOC AND PULL HIM OUT OF THE VAGINA, IS HOW YOU DO IT THEN CUT THE CORD AND SEND HIM TO GREAT CLIPS THIS MEME BE LIKE, "HUMANS CAN ONLY HANDLE 45 PAIN UNITS. BUT HOLD UP, BECAUSE HUMANS CAN HANDLE 57 PAIN UNITS, MY BAD. FEEL THE LOVE" I FRACTURED 20 BONES JUST LOOKING AT THIS MEME, FOR REAL IS THIS SCIENTIFIC CHART DRAWN TO SCALE? DOC'S HANDS BE LOOKING LIKE DOOGIE HOWSER COMPARED TO MOM'S LEG, JUST SAYIN I NEVER THOUGHT MOTHERS LOVED UNTIL THIS MEME GUESS NOBODY EVER SHOWED ME AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF VAGINAL PAIN NOW I KNOW NOW I KNOW HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY OR CHRISTMAS WHATEVS

I had to venture into our family’s fireproof box of priceless valuables for something recently, and got distracted by its contents. Our daughters’ birth certificates. Detailed instructions written out by my father-in-law about how to access his safe deposit box at the bank if he “doesn’t survive Obama’s presidency” that include various passwords and a minuscule key that seems custom made for a dollhouse. An encased Michael Jordan basketball card that I had planned to retire on but, at last search, was literally worth less than the fireproof box in which it resides. My passport. I opened my passport book, humored by the idea that I once harbored dreams of traveling the globe. I had obtained a passport solely for our honeymoon to Barbados, a trip that took place almost 10 years ago. Its lack of cool travel stamps confirmed that I had not stepped off North American soil since. Also, I noticed, it was set to expire in two months. I needed to renew my passport, and I was probably alr...

Subject: There is something I wanted to share with you.. Okay. That's pretty much implied when you send someone an email. Nevertheless! If I were u I would never tell to any of friends that such a girl is writing to u because she really makes mouths water! And we're off! Here is me talking to my friends, trying to withhold this valuable information. T-Mac : ... And then we made out all night! She was so hot! Like from a magazine or something. Hey Coop - toss me a brewskie, will ya'? All this talk about hot chicks is making me thirsty. For beer. Me : That's a good one, T-Mac. Well, pretty good, I guess. T-Mac : Hey man, whaddya mean "pretty good?" Coop : Yeah, sounds like you got somethin' to say, K-Dawg ... Me : Nah, it's nothing. She just ... didn't want me to say anything. T-Mac : Oh that's bs, man! Cough up the goods, K-dawg - your with "The Crew," and you remember our motto? Everyone : "Don't keep secr...

I think the most divisive American holiday is Black Friday. Even more divisive than Columbus Day, whose namesake people are just now realizing was maybe not very nice . Possibly Black Friday could be renamed Columbus Day since Columbus had a black heart and also bought commodities (9-year-old girls, natives) at a discount. Please call your congressman if you agree. Oh, what’s that? Black Friday isn’t a holiday? Well, most people have off from work and you can buy a new mattress with no payments for 12 months so … it’s a holiday. Like many, I had always assumed the “black” in Black Friday represented the sheer awfulness of the experience of going out and shopping that day. Who can forget the brave woman who lost her foot in the double sliding doors of Sears back in ’94? Probably a lot of people since it never happened, but still. It happened . But recent years have beaten us over the head with the fact that the black signifies how stores go from red into black on this day, financi...

We were sleeping soundly, my wife and I, one recent weekend morning. It was pitch black, the sun still seemingly hours away from rising. It was a blissful moment of much-needed rest that was interrupted by my wife’s panicked scream. AHHHHHHHHH! I popped my head up fast and, although my eyes were still groggy and adjusting to my surroundings, I immediately saw the source of my wife’s terror. It was a haunting silhouette of a child next to my wife’s side of the bed, her head eerily illuminated by the light coming from the monitor that we keep nearby which looks into the girls’ room. My heart skipped a beat, and for a brief moment I wondered if we were in the middle of some demented, Children of the Corn -esque horror movie. The shadowy child said nothing, but looked on, stoic, undeterred by our panic. Finally she spoke, undoubtedly, I figured, to reveal some demented clue that may help us escape a terrible fate—“Seek the medallion from the evil jester in three midnights or beware, ...

YOU TELL 'EM LADY WITH A MOP AND BUCKET PEOPLE SAY I CAN'T TALK ABOUT POOP CAUSE I'M "35" PFFT POOP BE STANKIN' AMIRITE? BOUT TO GO RIDE THE SLIDE AT MCDONALD'S PLAYLAND "OUTTA THE WAY KIDS THIS MAKES ME HAPPY AND I'M NOT HURTING ANYONE" "EXCEPT LIL DUDE O'ER THERE, MY BAD PLAYA - DIDN'T MEAN TO KICK YOU IN THE DOME" THIS LADY BE LIKE, "I'M ONLY 29 BUT I CAN BE AN OLD MAID IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY" I BET SHE ABOUT TO CLEAN UP SOME POOP LOL ACTUALLY JUST DID SOME RESEARCH AND IT SAYS WE HAVE TO ACT OUR AGE IN THE CONSTITUTION SO ERRRBODY JUST CHILL OUT, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE THESE MEMES PLEASE FORGIVE THE POOP JOKES BOUT TO GO WRITE OUT A MORTGAGE CHECK OR SOMETHIN'

Subject: Re: Web Design & Development Okay, right off the bat I want to mention that this spam email is not interesting or funny in any way EXCEPT that it is: From: Akon  Hi, HI AKON   Hope you are well. HOPE YOU ARE WELL TOO AKON                           I just wanted to check if you had received my last mails sent. OH NO! I haven't received any prior emails from you, Akon. What's up with that? I feel like I definitely would have remembered if I received an email from Senegalese American R&B and hip-hop recording artist Akon. ( checks junk email folder ) Nope. Nothing. I guess it's lost in cyberspace, huh, Akon? LOL. Seriously though I feel bad about this, like we're off on the wrong foot.         Haven't heard back from you, just wondering if you are interested in our services. I...

It wasn’t like I actively fought against having family pictures taken—it was actually never discussed. My wife and I share a distaste for all things cheesy, so I assumed she found the idea of professional family pictures as cheesy as I did. Then one day a couple weeks ago she was like, “We’re having our pictures taken Saturday,” and handed me a hot pink necktie. Darn. When I think of family pictures, two things immediately come to mind. The first is walking into someone’s house and seeing a humongous family portrait over the fireplace where the family is dressed in all white and laughing pleasantly as they walk along a white sandy beach during an apparent dream sequence. Who could ever compete with such a clear representation of Caucasian happiness? “Welcome to our home. You know this is really our home because that is our family above the fireplace, see? I trust you and your family have had similar blissful experiences ... ” “Uh, actually we had to s...

ONE OF MY FLAWS IS THAT SOMETIMES I NEGLECT TO USE APOSTROPHES. THATS JUST ME YALL. JOIN ME WHILE I GAZE OUT ONTO SELF-AFFIRMATION MOUNTAIN. STUPID ASS MOUNTAIN BE THINKING IM SOMEBODY ELSE - DEAL WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS YOU BIG PILE OF ROCKS. YOU DONT LOVE ME. GOT A SCAR ON MY LEG FROM TRYIN TO CLIMB SELF-AFFIRMATION MOUNTAIN BACK IN '05. GOT A SCAR ON MY HEART FROM WHEN THE SHERPA I FELL IN LOVE WITH WAS LIKE DAMN YOU TALK TOO MUCH I'M OUT. . THAT'S AIIIIIGHT THOUGH TRUE LOVE WILL FIND ME IM OVER HERE TRUE LOVE, JUST FOLLOW THE SCENT OF FEBREZE. I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT PLEASE SEE PAST THEM SO I'M NOT ALONE. IM JUST ME. THESE ARE DAVE'S WORDS OF WISDOM NOT MINE. DAVE BE MAD WISE, YO. DAVE FIND ME IN THE COMMENTS I LEFT MY NUMBER AND MEASUREMENTS.

Subject: get high quality cheap price brand t-shirt shoes from here What are t-shirt shoes? I want t-shirt shoes. Dear sir, Have a good day there. Thanks, chief. Go ahead and have a good there yourself, okay champ? Keep on truckin'. And hey, big guy over there - have yourself a good day too, why doncha. I'm handin' out good day wishes like lollipops over here ... feeling good about things. Where were we? Are we done? Is that the end of the email? I never found out about the t-shirt shoes. Our company sell high quality cheap price brand items. Might wanna go ahead and proofread your work there, big fella. No biggie for me though, I'm just a regular Joe like you, and I like the cut of your jib. I'm buying what you're selling. What are you selling? Such as A&F Polo Armani Burberry Coogi Lacoste Ed Hardy Gucci Louis Vuitton Style Guess Versace Tommy Prada clothing They got these things called "commas" now, you should check 'em out whe...

When my phone buzzed just before 5 a.m. Monday morning, I knew it was someone from my family back East since they never consider the time zone difference when texting. (The flood of annual 4 a.m. texts makes for something other than a happy birthday.) Half asleep, I fumbled for my phone and sure enough, it was my mom. The text—which she somehow duplicated to come through twice, classic mom—read, “Dad’s in recovery, everything went well!” Great, I thought as I put the phone down and attempted to enjoy another five minutes of sleep before my alarm went off. That’s a relief. Wait, what ? In a familiar scenario as it pertains to my family, I had no idea what my mom was talking about. Did my dad just have surgery? What kind of surgery? Did I know about this? I definitely did not know about this. Was it all a dream? Granted, it had been more than a week since I had spoken to my parents, but I felt like I would have remembered if, when we last spoke, they had mentioned th...

Subject: Can I Please Pay You? Yes. I am offering an ad with unlimited earning potential. Well HELLO to you, too. Sheesh. No manners. Back in my day spam emails always began with a pleasant greeting before getting down to business. Spam emails these days ... they don't even ask how my penis is doing anymore. Anyway, I'm in. Where do I sign? This ad has the ability to earn more money than any of your flat rate ads. I have a question: Who is placing this ad, you or me? How much money are my flat rate ads earning and how do you know that? What is a flat rate ad? Whodunnit? Is this about that thing? Our advertising offer: 1.       We pay you monthly. Again, I am not sure what is happening, but I accept. 2.       We provide you with a unique coupon code. How unique? I want my coupon code to be this: MOIST *765 3.       We pay you 15% of every transact...

"Oh snap, did someone kill your parents like in Batman?" WHAT? NO I JUST HATE ERRRRBODY FOR VARIOUS INCONSEQUENTIAL REASONS "For real? Maybe you should get off Facebook for a while and seek some counseling or whatever because you're always sharing memes about killing people, like literally killing people." PFFT. FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT MAD DUDES WOULD BE STRAIGHT DEAD RIGHT NOW IF I WASN'T SO SCARED OF PRISON. GRANTED, PRISON WAS CREATED AS A DETERRENT FOR THINGS LIKE MURDER AND STUFF, SO THIS MEME IS KIND OF JUST REAFFIRMING THE PURPOSE OF A SOCIETAL INSTITUTION, BUT Y'ALL STILL BE HATIN'. IMMA KILL YOU JUST FOR HATIN'. WHERE'S MY GUN? OOPS FORGOT ABOUT PRISON FOR A HOT MINUTE. I THINK MY STRONG DESIRE TO KILL IS BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY REPUTED MODERN KILLING MACHINE HOMER SIMPSON WIT A GUN TO YO' FACE. MY FAVORITE QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE IS THE ONE WHERE HOMER SIMPSON KILLS SAMUEL L. CLARKSON AT THE END. I HAVE A GOOD GRASP ...

Here is a dramatization of me cooking Trader Joe’s pumpkin pancakes on a weekend morning in the fall. Who wants pumpkin pancakes? Yes, I AM a good father. Babe, clear the kitchen and hold all my calls. What? No, this recipe doesn’t call for eggs. Trust me, it doesn’t. Fine, I’ll double-check, but I’m telling you ... ( checks box ) … you’ve got to be kidding me. This must be a different kind of mix than I remember. We have eggs, right? ( checks refrigerator ) I’ll be right back. ( 25 minutes later ) Who wants pumpkin pancakes? Babe, when it says milk, I can use rice milk, right? What do you mean “at my own risk?” What’s the difference? Well I would have gotten milk at the store if I realized I needed it. Because I stopped reading the box after I saw “one egg,” that’s why. Whatever. Babe, how do you use this double-sided measuring thingee again? Which side is for liquids and which side is for solid—PANCAKE MIX SPILL, arg! Someone get the dog out of here. ( 10 minut...

MY DANG KID TRIED TO LIE TO ME AND TELL ME SHE WASHED HER HANDS AFTER DROPPIN A DUECE BUT I WAS LIKE HOLD UP - I CHANNELED MY INNER BUGS BUNNY AND SMELLED HER HANDS AND WAS LIKE, YOU DIDN'T WASH GIRL, GET BACK IN THERE! HERE IS MY LIST OF PEOPLE RENOWN FOR FINDING SH*T OUT: -MIKE WALLACE -J EDGAR HOOVER -THE KID FROM GOONIES -BUGS BUNNY IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER CAUSE BUGS IS NO. 1 OBVS. THIS MEME DONE NAILED IT, LET'S SEE WHAT THE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF THEIR BUSY SCHEDULES TO COMMENT ON THIS MEME HAD TO SAY: MY FAVORITE THING TO DO AFTER FINDING SH*T OUT BUGS BUNNY STYLE IS TO ORDER BLACK PEPPER SPICES. HOLD UP, 'BOUT TO CHEW ON THIS INVESTIGATIVE CARROT AND FIND OUT IF ESOKAAGRICPRIDUCT IS LEGIT. YEP IT BE LEGIT. PUTTIN' SOME BLACK PEPPER SPICE ON MY SOUP RIGHT NOW, HOMEBOY. FIGURE IT OUT.

Subject: From ms Juliet. Hi Ms. Juliet.. That is cool how you have a period in your name like the band FUN.. Let's set the world on fire, we can grow brighter than the sun with this email. I feel inspired. Also I hate that song and I hate you. Hi Let me inform yu my desire to establish in your country through your help. I learned about Juliet in high school English but Juliet doesn't know high school English HA HA HA HA HA that is a joke I just thought of, top of the head. Just keepin' it real, not trying to offend anyone here. But seriously you seem like a moron. What's up? Although we do not know, there is this amount $6.5 my father deposit in BANK before he was killed. Let's break this beauty down. Although we do not know, Although we do not know WHAT? Here are some things I do not know, in addition to why you used the phrase "Although we do not know": -WHAT IS GOING ON That is the list. there is this amount $6.5 my father deposit ...

One of the themes of the Clint Eastwood-directed Hereafter , starring Matt Damon, is that those with genuine psychic ability can often be reluctant to share it because of how society generally perceives psychics. As usual, I agree with Clint Eastwood—it can’t be easy to be a psychic. To reference another movie (my entire worldview is based on information I have gathered from movies) just look at how difficult things got for Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost . She almost got murdered by that guy! But she maintained her sense of humor throughout, plus her sense of being psychic. She’s the best, Whoopie Goldberg. I mean, not only do psychics have to deal with the burden of communication with the supernatural, but they also have to deal with the jokes of commoners like myself: What do you mean you forgot your jacket? You’re a psychic! You should have known about this cold front. LOL. (Seriously though, you should have worn a jacket.) So psychics have it tough, for sure. However, they don’t d...