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Just a note…I’m moving to Arizona this weekend, so this bliggity-blog will be on hiatus until I get settled in, and until I can afford a scanner to post more stupid baseball cards. Hopefully I will find the time (and a computer – ours is on a moving truck now, possibly never to be heard from again) to keep a diary of how things progress over the next couple of weeks. If you don’t hear from me in two weeks, just know that it’s about 112 degrees in Arizona right now, and I probably just passed out again . So send help. In the meantime, feel free to browse the archives and enjoy all of the riveting material I have posted over the past three-plus years. And keep in mind, when my hit-counter reaches 10,000, I’m going to throw a huge party in Arizona, and award a bean burrito to my 10,000th “customer.” Not really though. But still. See ya’ soon! Holla.

Mike Fischlin, 1987 Topps Hey, Mike Fischlin – I have an idea. Why don’t you choke up a little bit? Or, OR, why don’t you just run your hands halfway up the bat, so then if you swing, you can hit yourself in the chest at the same time? Wait, wait – I have a better idea. Why don’t you just use one of those miniature bats that they hand out to the fans on “bat day,” because that’s about as much power as you’re going to generate anyway standing there like that. Mike Fischlin represents an extinct species of baseball player: the utility player. The utility players of the 80s were special because they could suck at several positions instead of just one. For example, Fischlin “played” both shortstop and second base – the positions of note for utility players – which gave the Yankees plenty of leverage in case their starting shortstop or second baseman died. Fischlin was a moderate upgrade from putting a cardboard cut-out of Alvaro Espinoza at shortstop, as the “Fishmeister” (as they called h...

John Henry Johnson, 1987 Topps After signing the Declaration of Independence, John Henry Johnson was immediately drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers. Of course, I’m kidding – he was actually drafted by the Giants – obviously - and was eventually traded to the Brewers for 65 acres of land and the Senator of Virginia’s daughter. John Henry Johnson famously stunned the conservative American Congress by showing up to a weekly meeting wearing a wig that was not powdered white, which ironically was the origin of the “white afro,” which would ultimately be perfected by future American leaders such as Gallagher and Napolean Dynamite. Now, you may be wondering about John Henry Johnson’s baseball career, and asking yourself questions like, “How did John Henry Johnson develop such a love for the game of baseball?” That is an excellent question, and the back of this card can help explain: John Henry participated in Little League ball. Amazing, but true! It is not very often that you see a young boy ...

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps Kent Tekulve was the last underhanded pitcher in Major League history. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “How the heck did a guy throw underhanded in the big leagues and not got shelled every time out?” Well, let me tell you something – Kent Tekulve had a little zip on his granny pitch. Tim Raines once mentally clocked a Tekulve changeup (all of his pitches were changeups) at 38mph, which isn’t too shabby, considering the gun had clocked the pitch at 36mph. Also, Kent Tekulve pretty much got shelled every time out. In fact, in 1985, Tekulve made just three appearances out of the bullpen for the Pirates, finishing the season with a stellar 16.20 ERA, which is, simply put, Weaveresque . In addition to distinguishing himself as the only underhanded pitcher of a generation ever, Kent Tekulve also had the largest caboose in modern baseball history. Kent Tekulve was the J-Lo of baseball, except slightly less attractive and not as Latin. Actually, like J-Lo, his ba...

For the past couple of years I had written “preview” columns for the Spring Lake 5, a popular Memorial Day Weekend 5-mile road race in Spring Lake, NJ. All these columns really consisted of was me doling out “advice” on how to best to run the race, what to wear, and when to go to the bathroom. Ya’ know, stupid stuff…the usual. Before the race last weekend, my wife asked me why I hadn’t written a column for this year’s race. I told her that there really wasn’t anything left to say. Well, I ran the race this year, and as it turns out – there’s a lot left to say. I did not finish the Spring Lake 5 this year because I freakin’ collapsed near the finish line. Fantastic. Allow me to explain. As usual, my entire family was running in the race this year – parents, wife, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws… everybody . And as usual, we all met at my aunt and uncle’s house (they live in Spring Lake Heights) beforehand. There were donuts, muffins, coffee…all kinds of stuff that I prefer not t...

Tom Henke, 1988 Topps Tom Henke is the godfather of awesome 80s baseball cards, and there may be no better example of his greatness than this very card. For starters, this card proves that Tom Henke was not just great in the sarcastic sense – he was an actual all-star. It is virtually inconceivable to think that this guy was among baseball’s elite during an era that included Mattingly, Boggs, Puckett, Clemens, and many, many others. But nevertheless, let’s take a look at what truly made Tom Henke special. 1) Henke was a relief pitcher for a Canadian baseball team (the American dream, ironically). 2) When Henke smiled, his face bunched up in a manner that made it appear as though he was wearing one of those party hats with the strings that hurt your chin (equally awesome). 3) Tom Henke, rather brashly, ignored the ongoing trend of alternative visual aids, which presented the possibility of not wearing ridiculously humongous glasses while trying to perform athletic feats. During a time w...