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*Special Friday edition Kevin Brown, 1999 Topps Hey, buddy, ya’ gonna take this friggin’ picture or what? You think I have all day here? I’m Kevin freakin’ Brown! Do you have any idea what that means? Ugh. Look at you. You’re like, thirty pounds overweight. No wonder you became a photographer. Hey, you look familiar…did I strike you out in high school? I did, didn’t I? I definitely struck you out. Now I remember. What’s your name? Is it Fatty McTripod? No? Too bad. That’s your name. For crying out loud, why is this taking so long?! It’s a beautiful day outside! Do you know how many things I could be doing right now instead of sitting here like a total jackass? I could be throwing a no-hitter right now. In my mind, I’m throwing a no-hitter right now , right in your freakin’ face! I could be signing a ridiculous multi-year contract right now. You are literally taking money out of my pocket this very second. You owe me a bazillion dollars. I could be punching a wall in a fit of rage right...

Cory Snyder, 1991 Score Who can forget Cory Snyder? I mean, besides everybody? More importantly, who can forget Cory Snyder’s laser, rocket arm? Cory Snyder was indeed a rifleman, if you cannot already tell by the gusto in which he is rifling the ball in the above photo. Where’s the ball, you say? Probably like, a million miles away by now. Maybe light years even. In fact, Cory Snyder threw a baseball so hard, that it often caused him to transport into other dimensions, as evidenced, once again, by the above photo. In this particular dimension, the 6’3” 185 lb Snyder was transformed into a 7’4” 97 lb baseball player, who coincidentally, also played for the Cleveland Indians. And his name was also Cory Snyder, and he was a rifleman. That dimension was easy. In other dimensions , however, Cory Snyder would turn into a priest, or even a fireman, and he would have to solve various crimes. Sometimes he would even fall in love, which kind of sucked, because he would eventually be transported...

Luis Sanchez, 1986 Topps *Special Friday edition Luis Sanchez was brought up under the ideology, “Trust no one.” In fact, Sanchez did not even trust the very person who introduced him to this important life lesson – his father – but that may have been due to his father’s ill-conceived wording when doling out advice: “Trust no one . Trust me.” And Luis Sanchez did not trust his own mother either. One day, a young Sanchez arrived home from school to find his mother rummaging through his clothes drawer. It was later discovered that Mrs. Sanchez was simply putting away the clothes she had washed and ironed for her son, but that was no matter to Luis. He never spoke to his mother again, and he immediately initiated his custom of writing his name on every piece of clothing that he owned. “Trust no one,” Luis would mutter to himself as he spent sleepless nights, sharpie in hand, writing his first and last name on opposite butt cheeks of some newly acquired cargo shorts. So when Luis Sanchez m...

Me : Roger, welcome back! Roger Clemens : Thank you…Where am I again? Me : New York. Clemens : Oh yeah. Awesome. You know, I always loved playing in New York, and my family- Me : Roger, Roger, whoa. Stop it. You don’t need to go through that spiel with me. We all know why you’re back here. Clemens : I came back for one reason -- to help the Yankees win a World Series title. I’m very committed to- Me : Holy crap, Roger! Will you stop it already! Is there an off button on your back? Clemens : System error! Me : What? Clemens : What? Me : I have no idea what’s going here. Let’s cut the crap though, Rog. For serious. You came back to the Yankees for the money, and we all know it. That’s the reality. But a lot of Major League Baseball teams have money. What reasons besides money made you decide to come back to the Yankees? Clemens : That’s a great question. I don’t know…probably the money. Me : Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. What influence did Andy Pettitte have on your decision? Cleme...

Jeff Montgomery, 1991 Topps If it weren’t for the Royals uniform and the stadium background, this could easily be a picture of Jeff Montgomery on vacation in the Bahamas, as taken by his lovely (I assume) wife. But for Jeff Montgomery, everyday was a day at the beach, even if that beach was technically the barren wasteland also known as the Kansas City Royals organization. No matter to Montgomery, who began each day by putting on his practice uni, grabbing his Royals sun visor, popping the cassette single of Technotronic’s “Pump Up the Jam” into his iPod walkman, and fast-walking three laps around the stadium. And hey, if somebody stopped him and wanted to take his picture, for say, a baseball card, or even a “Kansas City Royals’ 1991 Studs of the Bullpen Calendar,” that was cool with Jeff Montgomery. Snap away. Actually though… is that a visor? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve never seen anything like that in my entire life. It almost looks as if Montgomery is wearing a fitted Royals hat b...

Alex Cole, 1991 Topps Few players struck fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers quite like Alex Cole. Some say it was the thick, oversized glasses, which not only protected his face from errant fastballs, but also gave him 7-7 vision, which led the league. (“Vision” was a statistical category in 1990, before it was replaced by “OPS.”) Others say it was the condescending smile. Said Roger Clemens in 1991: “Of all the players I hate facing, Alex Cole has to be at the top of the list. He has this smile, like he knows something that I don’t know. Like he slept with my sister or something. I tried to beam him in the eyes one time and the ball bounced of his glasses and over the wall for a three-run home run. I hate that guy.” Still, others claim that it was Cole’s penchant for trash talk that made it hard to focus on the mound. Among Alex Cole’s hit list of hurled insults are the following: To Frank Viola : “Yo! You got nicer jheri curls than my mom!” To Nolan Ryan : “Eat this, hick!” To...

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck *Special Friday edition Jim Pankovits was caught off guard by this particular photo. And Jim Pankovits didn’t like it. Not one bit. The Astros were about to start taking batting practice during a beautiful May afternoon back in 1988. Pankovits, as was his custom, walked towards the center field fence to relieve himself. Yes, he could have used the clubhouse bathroom, but two weeks beforehand, a noticeably drunk Pankovits had peed himself during a game, to the delight of his teammates. The Astros, who were struggling mightily at the time, went on to win that game in extra innings. The superstitious Pankovits promised the team that he would urinate on the field before every game, in order to keep the streak alive. And it worked, because at the time this photo was taken, the Astros had won 10 straight games. Anyways, Pankovits had just finished his business, and when he turned around to zip himself up – baseball pants traditionally don’t have zippers, but Pa...

Our baseball trip this year did not stop in Philadelphia. Since we were staying local, my wife and I decided to kill two birds with one stone and head down to Washington, DC, and catch a Nationals game as well. I had never spent significant time in our nation’s capital, and subconsciously associated the city with only two things: a) the President, and b) murder. Since I don’t delve into politics here, I will not make a joke wondering whether or not those two things are mutually exclusive. Nevertheless, because of the murder part, we were trying to be careful about where we were going to stay. My original intent, quite foolishly, was to stay as close to RFK Stadium as possible, since, during our four-day stay in DC, we would be going to one game there. I know, it makes no sense, and I’m glad somebody alerted me to that beforehand, because when we did go to RFK, the surrounding area looked considerably less presidential than one would think. We ended up staying in the Dupont Circle secti...

Jack McKeon, 1989 Topps The original “grumpy old man,” Jack McKeon looks like the 70-year-old offspring of Yogi Berra and Walter Matthau in this picture. He doesn’t look anything like the Jack McKeon who resurrected the 2003 Florida Marlins just in time for them to win the Wild Card and eventually the World Series. Until, that is, McKeon immediately wore out his welcome with incessant ramblings about expensive sneakers – “In my day we attached thumbtacks to the bottom of cardboard boxes and called ‘em ‘spikes.’ You kids are a bunch of spoiled sons of bitches!” - the Japanese, and the unheralded dominance of Three Fingers McGee. Originally from South Amboy, NJ, McKeon earned the nickname “Trader Jack” after he dealt away a rare Walter Johnson-used stirrup to the British for an area of land now known as “the Jersey Shore.” After several unsuccessful attempts to ban, among other things, bikinis (“too revealing”), beach balls (“too big and unpredictable”), pretzels (“too knotty”), and wat...

*Special Friday edition Lance McCullers, 1988 Score Hey, listen, I’m no baseball coach or anything. But this just can’t be the way you’re supposed to pitch a baseball. Arm moving violently forward, body moving backwards, eyes pretty much closed…I don’t know, maybe I’m the crazy one. But it seems like Lance McCullers – immediately after the pitch has left his hand – is already recoiling in horror at the idea of where the pitch may end up. It does not appear, as I was once taught many years ago, that Lance McCullers is going to finish his motion in position to field a ground ball back to the pitcher. It appears as if Lance McCullers is going to finish his motion on his back, doing reverse somersaults into center field. Then again, it could be that Lance McCullers’ fastball is so fast, that it blows even him away. The back of the card elaborates: Lance…enjoys challenging hitters with his blazing fastball. Well then. That explains it. But let’s find out more about Lance: He was used as a ...

My wife and I continued our quest to go to a new ballpark each year, and two weeks ago, we went to Philadelphia’s new Citizen’s Bank Park for Opening Day. As it turns out, Citizen’s Bank is actually nicer than the Vet, if you can imagine. Instead of being a bland, dark abyss of rat-infested, artificial sludge, the new Phillies’ home is open and inviting, with a noticeably absent detention center, something the infamous Vet could never boast. But this trip in particular wasn’t as much about the stadium (although, let it be known that this park is on par with Camden Yards as one of the most beautiful on the East Coast) as it was about attending a Philadelphia Phillies’ game with a true Philadelphia sports fan - my ol’ college roommate, Brandon. If our paths never crossed at school, I might feel the same way about Philadelphia sports fans as most people from this area do, which is to say, I would utterly despise them, condemn their incessant booing directed at the likes of injured players...

Jose Cruz, 1986 Fleer Reporter : So, Jose. Great game today. I’ll try to keep this short since I know your wife’s waiting for you over there. By the way, is that your brother or something that she’s with? They seem to get along well. But back to the game… This is Jose Cruz, and he is going to rip your heart out of your chest the second this interview is over. You might want to get a head start. This is, of course, a “league leaders” card, and in 1985, Jose Cruz led the league is statements that began, “If looks could kill…” Actually, in looking at his stats for the previous season, it’s hard to figure what, exactly, Jose Cruz led the league in . A .300 batting average, 69 runs scored, nine home runs, 79 RBI…I’m at a loss. My guess is that once Jose Cruz found out that a league leaders set was coming out, this ensued: Jose Cruz : I understand that a league leaders set is coming out. This is good news, since I led the league in batting average last season. Fleer executive : Yeah, we – hu...

Joe Bitker, 1991 Fleer Joe Bitker was the only guy to show up for picture day. Not many people realize this, but Major League Baseball designates one day a year during Spring Training as picture day, and allows a cavalcade of baseball card companies to come by in order to get the shots that they need for their upcoming sets. Unfortunately, because many of the players feel that picture day is stupid, no one ever shows up. It’s sort of a tradition, in fact, to blow off picture day. The players think it’s funny to force the card companies to come out to them , and take action shots from difficult angles. Such was not the case however, with Joe Bitker. There are a couple reasons why Joe Bitker, as opposed to every other player in baseball, may have been anxious to arrive for picture day. For one thing, Bitker had just spent approximately 37 years playing in the minor leagues, and most likely viewed picture day as the one opportunity to get a piece of concrete evidence that he ever actually...

Okay, so the Masters is over, and the next golf major isn’t for like, another seven months. The baseball season is too young to get into right now, and who really cares about the NBA, am I right? Obviously, this gives me a chance to talk about yet another sport that I know nothing about. On the heels of my first-ever NASCAR column from a couple of months ago, I’d like to introduce you to my first-ever hockey column! No, seriously! Of course, since there’s an excellent chance that I actually know less about hockey than I do about cars, we had to bring in a recruit. So please put your hands together for the biggest only hockey fan I know, Joe, my brother-in-law. Joe is a die-hard Rangers fan, and he hates the Devils and Islanders as much as I hate the Red Sox, which is nice. And, like any true fan, Joe oftentimes hates the Rangers as much as I hate the Yankees. But not this year, because the Rangers are headed to the NHL Playoffs, which are just getting underway. Also, let it be known ...

Derek Bell, 1999 Topps This is Derek Bell during Phase One of Operation Shutdown . For those who may not recall, Bell rather infamously created “operation shutdown,” as a term for exactly what he would do if he, ya’ know, felt like it. Actually, let me be honest here – this is Derek Bell shutting down before (or, in preparation OF) Operation Shutdown, as the term itself would not be coined until a few years later, as Bell’s threat to the Pittsburgh Pirates in response to the team not blindly awarding him the starting job in right field. Quoth Bell: “If there is competition [for the starting job], they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never hit in spring training and I never will.” Considering that Derek Bell was coming off of a season in which he hit .173, he was also refusing to hit during the regular season as well, which greatly complicated things for the Pittsburgh hierarchy. Besides giving up at the slightes...

Jose Oquendo, 1988 Topps Before starring in the movie “Boogie Nights,” Jose Oquendo was on the fast track to baseball stardom. For one thing, he definitely had the look of a pro ballplayer – the oversized hat, wispy ‘stache, and, of course, the uniform. The uniform was crucial. Maybe more important than that though, was the fact that Oquendo had the demeanor of a ballplayer – that special and unique quality possessed only by the select few athletes good enough to make it to the major leagues. Some would describe it as cockiness, that “Clear the way, pro ballplayer coming through!” kind of mentality that makes women – and sometimes dudes - go crazy. In Oquendo’s case, the demeanor was slightly different – sort of a, “Yo, man…What the hell is going on here? Where am I? What day is it? How did I get here? Who ARE you?” aura that seemed to captivate baseball fans. And Jose Oquendo’s connection to the fans was unparalleled at the time. During a Cardinals’ spring training game down in Fort M...

Joe Johnson, 1988 Topps *Special Friday edition Here is a picture of Joe Johnson making his famous “Who farted?” face. Johnson, not to be confused with the Atlanta Hawks’ Joe Johnson , was the first known player in Major League history to have four eyebrows – two above his eyes, and two above his mouth. Teammates affectionately called them “mouthbrows.” That, combined with no sideburns and an adequate mullet, made Joe Johnson a fashion icon regular guy in Canada. When he wasn’t openly wondering who beefed, Joe Johnson was busy beefing up himself. A legend in the weight room, Johnson could bench press 350 lbs, like, a million times. Instead of weight gloves however, Johnson wore baseball mitts on both hands whenever he lifted weights. His rationale for this was that it made a baseball in his glove feel much lighter. Joe Johnson also invented the Zubaz pants . One can only imagine the intimidating image of Johnson walking into the weight room wearing Zubaz pants, a Gotcha tank top, a Bl...

The 2007 Major League Baseball season official starts this Sunday, and I’m positively giddy! Here to curtail my excitement is none other than MLB Commissioner, and former Bugle Boy Jeans model, Bud Selig. Mr. Selig has agreed to sit down with us under the conditions that a) I specify that none of the following is remotely true, and b) I do not use the words “human,” “growth,” and “hormone” consecutively. So, there. Done and done. Now let’s get on with The Show. (Get it? The Show? Whatever…) Me : Mr. Selig, welcome! Bud Selig : Thanks for having me. Me : Ya’ know, Bud, I gotta tell you, you’ve always reminded me of one of the Three Stooges, except much older, and ganglier. Not the fat one, but one of the other ones. Did anyone else ever tell you that? Selig : No, but that’s a nice way to start an interview. Me : I think it has a lot to do with your bowl haircut . I’m just saying. Selig : … Me : Bud, let’s start with the bad news. During your Reign of Terror as commissioner, you oversaw ...

Prospects, 1999 Topps Hey, look up in the sky! Is it me, or are three baseball prospects shining down from the heavens, exposing their vast potential for all to see? It’s me, isn’t it? What? It’s not?! Awesome! But we should probably watch out, ‘cause those diamonds are pretty sharp, and I don’t trust their flight pattern! A true master in the art of foreshadowing, Topps knew all too well that by the year 2007, Micah Bowie, Phil Norton, and Randy Wolf would all be well on their way to the Hall of Fame, riding seamlessly through the clouded skies on top of 3-D diamonds, only coming down to earth every fifth day to toss eight shutout innings. Of course, Topps hedged their bets by labeling these three only as “prospects” and not “future stars,” although their god-like aura would seem to imply that greatness was on the horizon. (Even God had to toil down in Single A for a few months, am I right?) Astonishingly, only Randy Wolf would sniff the intoxicating scent of mild success, as his care...

Stojko Vrankovic, 1999 Upper Deck One of my favorite things about this card is not the ballet-like athleticism of a Croatian guy named “Stojko” jamming it home with, pretty much, one foot on the ground. No, my favorite part of this card is its nod to “The Natural,” as you may notice an out-of-focus fat man in white standing up in the background, a la Glen Close in one of the more famous scenes from the Robert Redford-flick. Of course, contrary to what the rest of the Clippers’ home crowd may be indicating, it’s extremely difficult to sit down when Stojko Vrankovic is on the floor, as evidenced by the fact that, even the other players on the court seem content to stand and watch Stojko thrown down yet another emphatic dunk. But the fat man in white is on to something, for he knows Stojko all too well. Not from a romantic standpoint, we would hope, but from a basketball standpoint. You see, the fat man in white is Hedjuec Steponapolis, Stojko’s Croatian AAU coach since the youngster was...