So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Talented Singer As a talent agent Randy Jackson publications manager at two weekly newspapers, it makes my ears perk up when I read about a talented singer. Why do my ears perk up when I read? I don't know, it's weird. Dear Friend, I´m contacting you in order to present you a new talented actor and singer who is being considered one of the world´s most beautiful voices. I love beautiful voices! What is his/her name? There are four points where we may work together:   1) We are looking for an International/Local  Manager/Agent. Maybe you can be that person, or help us to find that person. Oh, you want to me to manage/find a manager for your singer? NO PROBLEM. I manage singers all the time, and it's weird that you knew that because none of my singers are famous because I am a terrible manager. One of my singers is a 93-year-old lady named Oldy McNasty who sings nasty R&B songs and who almost made it to the first round of "America's Got Tale...

Gary of Glendale is a loyal subscriber who obviously loves our paper. He likes The Glendale Star because “too much emphasis on Chamber of Commerce activities, youth sports.” This reads like a criticism, but I’ll take it as a compliment. “You can never have enough Chamber of Commerce activities,” is what my mom used to say when she realized that I, at the age of 4, would become publications manager at two weekly newspapers. So we know what Gary doesn’t like. But what doesn’t he like? If he could change The Star , he would “expand letters to the editor, invite guest editors.” The letters to the editor, like classifieds, are dictated by you, the community, and trust me when I say we publish almost all of the ones we receive, even the ones that arrive handwritten and barely legible with coffee stains via courier or fax and that we have to retype ourselves. So keep ‘em comin’! Via email, however! Or at least typed! PLEASE. As far as guest editors—that is definitely an idea. Our editor, C...

Subject: (AD)    4-point IR touch panels for  Bank equipment ,excellent I don't even know where to begin with the cray cray that is this subject header. As usual, I am most disturbed by the random spacing. Here is the editor of this subject header: Editor : No, no, no, this is all wrong! Crumbles up paper printout of subject header, throws in nearby garbage can, misses . First you have to acknowledge this is an AD so we don't get sued. But put it in parentheses so maybe they don't notice. People are idiots. Then you gotta hit the space bar like ... a bunch of times. Go with your gut on that one. Like four or five times maybe. Go with five. Then talk about the 4-point IR touch panels - remember, when a number begins a sentence, you ALWAYS use the numeric digit - and then capitalize the "B" in "bank equipment" after a random space. Then random space, comma, no space, adjective. Honestly, where did you even go to school? Anyway, because I work at a BA...

As all of our loyal subscribers are aware, our renewal notices include two sections that solicit reader feedback: “I like the paper because …” and “If I could change the paper I would …” I am here to tell you, these responses are not taken lightly. I read each and every one before I shred the notice and forget everything you wrote. Of course I am kidding—I don’t shred the notices unless you write/draw something nasty (I'm looking at you , DELORES). In fact, I think this week would be a good time to take a deeper look at what you, the reader, like and dislike about our newspapers. I should start by saying that most subscribers write nothing in these sections. This leads me to believe that approximately 90 percent of you do not like our paper and don’t want anything to change. That is fine by me. As long as we don’t have to change anything. Thanks for your feedback! The most common response is one of appreciation, that you like our paper because it is local. We pride ourselves ...

OH DANG MY CREDIT UNION CARD? I WAS WONDERING WHY I COULDN'T PAY FOR THOSE DOPE CURTAIN PANELS WITH MY CREDIT UNION CARD. AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT UNION CARD AND ALSO BECAUSE: WHAT IS A CREDIT UNION CARD? BUT NOW I REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE MY CREDIT UNION CARD HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. SNAP YO, HOW'M I GONNA RESOLVE THIS ISH? YO YO YO YO CHECK IT, MAYBE IF I GO TO THIS PERSONAL LINK? WORD, THAT'S A RELIEF. I HATE WHEN A CARD I DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED AND THEY DON'T PROVIDE THE LINK TO SHIFTEDLANDS.COM. THIS LINK IS MAD PERSONAL, SON. GOT PHOTOS OF ME AS A KID ON HERE, GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND ALL THAT. CAN'T BE GETTIN' ALL NOSTALGIC, GOTTA UNBLOCK THIS SUSPENSION. DONE. BAM. WE OUT. /phone breaks/identity ruined/ LOT A PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A CARD THEY DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED. THEY'RE LIKE, MAYBE I SHOULD CALL MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY OR THE CREDIT CARD POLICE? NAW, SON. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME ...

For some reason my email at work subscribes to Wendy's. I have tried to unsubscribe many, many times - "Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?" A MILLION TIMES "YES!" "Okay sorry to see you go! Can you give us a reason?" YES I HATE YOU "Thanks for your input!" ( receive 800 emails about junior bacon cheeseburger ) - to no avail. Honestly, I get more emails from Wendy's than I do from people who claim to love me. Sometimes I want to unsubscribe from my emotions. Subject: Shhh … Our salads have a secret Everybody be quiet. The salads at Wendy's have a secret. I can't wait to hear what this bowl of shit-ass lettuce and processed chicken parts is going to tell me. CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? WE HOPE NOT. What the hell is going on? I'm trying to be quiet over here so I can hear the salad secret, but now the salad doesn't TRUST than I can keep the secret, but also doesn't want me to keep the secret? I...

You may or may not remember that my wife has an extreme fear of birds. I mean, you would only remember that if you read the column from like four years ago about how my wife hates birds. These are the types of things I write about. Honestly? I’m not sure why anyone reads this column. Anyway, if for some reason you don’t remember that particular column or have it handy in your archives, here are the Cliff Notes: my wife hates birds. If I had to boil “birds” down (my wife would literally like to boil birds) to something more specific, I will say that my wife hates, especially, pigeons. Pigeons, I think, are most famous for residing in two places: Italy and New York. With regards to the former, my wife spent many vacations in her father’s homeland, and of all the wonderful things Italy is famous for, the pigeons in St. Mark’s Square are not one. In fact, if you YouTube “ pigeon attack in St. Mark’s Square ,” you, too, will develop a hatred of pigeons. Hey, let’s go to Italy so we can...

Dear Manager / Executive ! Oh my goodness simmer down ... "Muhammad Shamas," a.k.a. info@qkimpex.com. The enthusiasm of your impersonal salutation is creeping me out. J/k I love it! I am a very important executive by the way, in charge of everything and with money to burn. Holla atcha boy. Hope this message will be fine in your good health and most prosperous business. Dude, Muhammad. What. The. Hell. Was that? Calm down. Maybe we should start over? I feel like you're trying too hard, talking about health and all that at the jumpoff. Just take a deep breath and preach your game. We are manufacturer cum exporters of all kinds I'm going to ignore that, but: !!! You might want to proofread these emails before you hit send. Just a suggestion. of boxing gloves, MMA gloves, weight lifiting belts, Oh, cool. Possibly you've heard that our newspaper dabbles in a wide array of interests: swim caps , djing weddings , fire hoses , etc. We learned a long time ago...

Honestly, I don’t even know why it’s called potty training. There is no training going on. As a parent you just say things and do things that the child totally couldn’t care less about and/or will forget about three seconds later, if she’s processed anything at all. Potty training is a term adults made up to mask the unfortunate fact that you are completely at the mercy of when your child randomly decides she will stop crapping her pants. Meanwhile you say things at parties like, “I am potty training my child” (I go to terrible parties), even though nothing tangible is happening. In your mind there is a montage set to “Eye of the Tiger” or the “Benny Hill” theme, depending on your personality, of all the times you have left food on the table and fruitlessly brought the child to the potty, and all the INSANE and contrived celebrations for when she pees even a smidgen of urine—“YEA I’M SO PROUD OF YOU HIGH FIVE YOU DID IT!”—and you imagine a time when she finally “gets it,” and all o...

Subject: Classifed Hello Newspaper, If our newspaper could talk, it would say, "Hello!" Well, not today, cause it's being a dick. But usually. I have a classified ad for free motorcycle due to my son sudden death Oh okay. Maybe you want to leave out the part about your son dying because that is terrible. Also, since it's come up, I guess I have to ask: did your son die on the motorcycle ? You say it was sudden and now a motorcycle is for sale? I don't know. I'm trying to put two and two together here. I have come to the conclusion that yes, that is what happened. and i am not good in riding a motorcycle , Have you considered taking motorcycle-riding lessons? I am sure that's what he would have wanted. Mom, if something ever happens, please learn to ride this motorcycle to honor my memory, if it's still functional after the accident. I know you are like 60 or whatever, but it would mean a lot to me, in heaven, to see you riding the thing that ...

I know a lot about cars, so it’s always fun dropping my car off for service. Here is a dramatic reenactment of me doing just that. Me : Here is my car. Please change the oil and inspect it or whatever. I’m having some trouble with the thing that makes the car drive, not sure what it’s called, but please fix it. Unless it’s a lot of money, then definitely do not fix it. A lot of money to me is like $100. Car person : Oh no problem, boss man. Actually, if you want to pop the hood I’ll give it a quick peek and see if it’s anything we can figure now, on the spot. Me : Oh, uh, sure. Go in car, pop gas tank. Car person : Me : Turn on windshield wipers. Car person : You know what, chief? No biggie, I’ll check it out later. Then I go home and wait for the phone call about what is wrong with my car and how it’s not covered by my warranty. Car person : Hey there big fella. Just calling back about your vehicle. Got a question for ya’—when was the last time you had the transmission...

Subject: tee shirts order I'm not sure if you're looking for t-shirts or shirts with pictures of golf tees on them. Either way, we have it all here at T-/TEE SHIRT EMPORIUM the weekly newspaper. I want to know whether you can have blank tee shirts for sale? When you're looking for blank t-shirts, there are two ways to go about it: 1) Email sporadically until you find someone who sells blank t-shirts. "You're never going to find out if you don't ask." - Tee "Shirt" Johnson, inventor of the t-shirt 2) Go to a t-shirt store or visit a website likely to sell t-shirts. The first way is better. BUT, we don't sell blank t-shirts here at this particular newspaper. :( Only graphic t-shirts with witty phrases like "Newspapers: it's what's for breakfast," and "Hey Internet, virus much?" am looking for blank tee shirts with no screen printing. You should repeat yourself again because I didn't understand wh...

What’s interesting about having another kiddo around is this: I had just, really just reached the point where I felt totally comfortable bringing our daughter pretty much anywhere by myself. Case in point, Easter weekend. My wife became ill that Friday, the same day we had a follow-up doctor’s appointment for our daughter. When it was determined she couldn’t go, I just assumed we’d reschedule because I sure as heck wasn’t going by myself. Well, apparently we had waited like six months for this appointment, so I was told I would be bringing her. Our daughter sees so many developmental specialists, I wasn’t even 100 percent sure what kind of doctor this was, or his name. Hello, Doctor … person. I am the father. Here is the girl. I assume you have a file or something? Here is my phone if you need to call my wife. It’s under “wifey” in contacts. She might not answer because she is terribly ill I mean her ringer is on low so keep calling. I’ll be in the waiting room. Everything ended up...

Subject: I'm Syrian little girl 15 yrs old a war victim. Guys, this is serious. Usually I like to joke around about the weird spam emails I get, but there's no joking around about a 15-year-old Syrian girl who is a war victim but who also uses email. What is your name, "little girl" who is 15? From: test [test@blanch.org.uk] Just to recap, you are a 15-year-old Syrian girl named Test who is a war victim and also your email address is test@blanch.org.uk. I don't want to give a history lesson here, but when Great Britain occupied Syria during the War That Never Happened, all the email addresses were transferred over. I'm Syrian little girl 15 yrs old a war victim. The one thing about 15-year-old Syrian girls who are war victims is that they're kind of redundant. It's like, we get it , you're a war victim. Get over yourself lolz j/k. I need your help after my parents and little brother was killed. Oh my that is terrible. Hopefully I can ...

There’s an old Bill Cosby bit about how you’re not really a parent until you have two kids. I’m not sure I believe that—one child has been enough to make me lose my freakin’ mind—but it appears as though we’re going to at least test the theory. My wife and I are, God-willing, adopting again. It will be a very different situation than what transpired with our first little one, who we had in our care at three months old. This little girl—another girl; it’s just me and the dog at this point—is already 2 ½ years old. With personality by the truckload. We were chosen to be this girl’s adoptive family because her case manager came across our file in the system and apparently saw something she liked. I’ve not been made aware of exactly what that was, but it probably had something do with my expertise in writing drawn-out exposes about spam emails and my frustration with the DVR . Surely he can impart that wisdom on this impressionable little girl! That, or the fact my wife is a child ...

Subject: Custom Components Manufacture Sexy AND relevant to my life.  (Friendly note:If you are not the right ones, pls kindly reply simple words like”NO”,thanks.) We've seen this before . Such a great sentence. My favorite sentence. In fact, this email is again from famed Chinaman, Jack Davis. Preach on, Jack. Dear Sir ， This is shorthand for Dear Sir Random Box, who is the knighted Earl of Worthington and who also needs custom components for all his stupid things. I am not he, but this misunderstanding could prove advantageous. Have a good day! Is this the end of the email? This seems like the end of the email, but there are more words? I'm confused. Also, thanks! You too. We are TTi company come  f rom China. Well that's all well and good and grammatically correct, but: what do you specialize in? We specialize in plastic injection moulding and machining field over ten years. I couldn't have less a sense of what you are even talking about....

Our daughter is very much into music. Sure, there are the “Annie” songs, but she also loves the pop music she hears on the radio. As parents, we try to use every opportunity to impart life lessons, and no one ever said pop music can’t be an aid in this endeavor. Case in point, our daughter’s former favorite song, Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.” This song is important because it teaches us that, in order to lure members of the opposite sex, we should gyrate in their direction like the 69-year-old lead singer of The Rolling Stones. Okay, so maybe that’s not the best lesson. In fact, our daughter used to just sing the chorus and dance all silly. Now I catch her singing it around the house, almost under her breath, lyrics like “I swear I’ll behave,” which, understanding the context of the song, makes me shudder. Also, the album version of this song, which is on the playlist I created for her, contains a curse word, and I have to turn the volume all the way down when it comes up as I’m d...

Subject: How are you?. You know what? It's about time somebody asked me that question WITH SINCERITY today. Considering this is the subject header, I imagine the brunt of this email is merely a more involved exploration as to how I am feeling. I wish I received more emails like this -- no requests, demands, pointless questions about "work." Just a genuine inquisition as to my current state of mind -- with a completely unnecessary period at the end -- sent directly to my email address and my email address alone. To: Recipients Or to like a billion email addresses. Whatevs. Hi I have what will bring mutual benefits for your family and my family. Can I answer the subject header first? THANK YOU. I am fine. A little tired, but fine. Now, about this anonymous thing you have that will bring mutual benefits for my family and yours ... I am interested. I don't know you whatsoever and you are super weird and I have no idea what is going on, but one of my goals in lif...

For the past few weeks, I’ve been making a conscious effort to change my wardrobe. I realize that is a sentence not usually written by a man, but here we are. It suddenly dawned on me that I often dress like a 22-year-old, jobless person living in an apartment. In my leisure time, I only really feel comfortable in t-shirts, and much of my t-shirt collection included a) ripped t-shirts, b) t-shirts with dumb phrases on like them like “Who stole me lucky charms?” and c) t-shirts that don’t fit me well. I tried to avoid the latter, which meant I had a rotation of like four t-shirts, all of which have embarrassed my wife. Last month I walked into our bathroom wearing my Napoleon Dynamite-themed “Liger” shirt and she immediately told me to change. Without stopping I just turned around and went right back to my dresser, and got the plain ripped one instead. This IS that shirt, and I'm glad to see someone else on the Internet owns it. Even my work clothes weren’t doing it for me....

The following is an update re: this .