So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Position offer 832OZY471838/5531 What has two thumbs and is about to be offered a position? After saw your resume we found it quite impressive and would like to offer you to be a part of friendly team. Dope. This excellent verbiage lends an air of legitimacy to this job offer. By the way where did you see my resume? I posted one version to a site called doperesumes.com that listed my objective as “being part of a friendly team” and my skills as “friendliness” and “liking teams.” That was probably the one. I am Clarissa M. Guillen and I am HR Manager at enterprise named Buying LLC. At this moment we have an opening for Personal Virtual Assistant. Will you hold it against me if I am an actual person? I’m not saying I am , just wondering. (Oh, another one of my skills is “buying.” Forgot to mention that on the rez.) Salary: $3,000.00 $36,000 Annual Salary; Three grand a year seems a little on the low end, but I understand this uniquely-named LLC is pr...

TEACH ME SOMETHIN PAPA DON’T GET ME WRONG THIS EMPTY BOX AND FLOOR POTTY ARE LUXURIES I DON’T TAKE FOR GRANTED AND DARN TOOTIN’ THESE OSH GOSH B’GOSHES DIDN’T GROW ON OL’ MR. MCGOVERN’S FAMOUS HICKORY TREE THAT’S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT GEE WHIZ PAPA I’M 3 NOW AND IT’S ABOUT TIME I LEARNED THE WAYS OF THE WORLD LIKE HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A RIDIN’ TRACTOR WHEN THE SHIFTER’S OFF CENTER WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO TELL A YOUNG LASS HOW YA’ REALLY FEEL, HOW YOU’D LIKE HER TO ONE DAY RAISE OUR OWN EIGHT YOUNGINS AND LEARN FROM MAMA HOW TO MAKE THE BEST CHICKEN POT PIE HOW CAN I RETREAT FURTHER INTO A COCOON OF ROMANTICIZED REPUBLICAN IDEALS WHILE THIS DANG WORLD CONTINUES TO EVOLVE (AIR QUOTES) IN A WAY THAT DEMANDS I PRESS 1 FOR SPANISH AWW SHUCKS PAPA I JUST WANNA SPEND SOME TIME WITCHA I RECKON WHAT SAY YOU AND I HEAD DOWN TO SMITHTOWN LAKE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON FISHIN’ PAPA : IT AIN’T “YOU AND I” YA’ DANG FOOL, IT’S “ME AND YA’LLS” LOOKS LI...

GARFIELD, YOU MAD BRO? THIS SENTIMENT DOES NOT ALIGN WITH GARFIELD’S BODY LANGUAGE COULD IT BE THAT GARFIELD LACKS TRUE FRIENDS CAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER A LIL’ JOINT CALLED “GARFIELD AND FRIENDS” THAT I USED TO WATCH ALL DAY ERRRDAY, FAM ANYWAY LET’S SEE WHAT FOLKS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT TRUE FRIENDS HOLD UP YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND I GUESS ALL THAT LOVIN’ IS FOR NAUGHT WITHOUT TRUE FRIENDS HUSBAND : AYYO SAW YOUR FRIEND JOANNE AT STARBUCKS SHE WAS CHECKING OUT MY JUNK CAROLYN : WHAT? THAT B*TCH I THOUGHT SHE WAS A TRUE FRIEND HUSBAND : YEAH THAT SUCKS FOR YOU CAROLYN : SO WAIT HOW FAR DID THAT GO, YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE HOURS HUSBAND : WHAT (turns on blender) CAROLYN : FORGET IT, GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW “NOT SURE HOW FAR THAT WENT SO HARD” FOR ONCE, AN APPROPRIATE LACK OF PUNCTUATION THINGS HAVE TAKEN A MORBID TURN ON THIS GARFIELD FRIENDS MEME NOT SURE HOW TO REACT TO THIS MAY I SUBMIT ...