So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A MOON MAKES NO DIFFERENCE WHO YOU ARE EVEN IF YOU’RE A CHRISTMAS TREE WEARING A SANTA HAT THIS POEM DOESN’T RHYME FORGET IT JUST TELL NEXT YEAR WHAT YOU WANT FROWNY FACE I FEEL YA’ THOUGH MICA—I WISHED THAT YOU WOULD WRITE “TOO” CORRECTLY AND WELL … UHHH THIS IS A FACEBOOK COMMENT THREAD NOT A THERAPIST’S COUCH THIS CHRISTMAS TREE HAS A FACE MAYBE LET'S NOT GET ALL EMOTIONAL HERE WHAT IS THIS A WISH FOR YOU OR A PREDICTION FOR ME ARE YOU A NEW YEAR’S PROPHET EITHER WAY I TOOK YOUR ADVICE AND MY NEW JOB THAT I JUST STARTED IS THRILLED TO HEAR I’M TAKING A VACATION NEXT WEEK YOU ARE ESPECIALLY VICTORIOUS IN POSTING COMMENTS AND ALSO ENGLISH VICTORIOUS VICTORIA THIS IS WHY COMMENTS WERE INVENTED A LOT OF COMMENTS DON’T ADD MUCH TO THE MEME BUT THIS ONE IS EXTRAORDINARY IS IT TOO EARLY TO NAME THIS COMMENT OF THE YEAR AND IF SO WHICH YEAR “DO I JUST ‘L...

Subject: mike gordon Mike Gordon is my friend who forwarded this to me. For the sake of this blog post, let’s suppose I am Mike Gordon. Sorry, Mike. Hi there. Hi. I am new to the site. What site? Email? Welcome aboard! Better late than never. I have a busy life with work so I never get to meet any body. Well you know what they say—it’s impossible to be employed AND forge human connections. Have you ever met anyone on here before. Where’s here? Earth? Yes. The Internet? Also yes. I actually met this really cool guy named Mike Ken- I think you’re cute. What site are you on again? Would you like to chat a little. Sure, why not. Here is my first chat question: Have you ever heard of a question mark? Would you like to see some pics of me. Well, since you’ve already somehow seen pics of me, I suppose this makes sense. You have me feeling kind of naughty and I’m so lonely. I was hoping you’d be motivated by a genui...

THIS IS NOT EVEN GRUMPY CAT I WANT MY MONEY BACK OK FINE FORGET IT THIS IS STILL HILARIOUS BECAUSE CATS EAT BIRDS BUT NOT PEARS I GUESS ALSO BECAUSE CHRISTMAS WHO ELSE IS LOVING THIS I THINK THE PEAR TREE STANDS FOR A PEAR TREE NEVERTHELESS THIS NON-GRUMPY CAT MEME IS AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY TO EMBARK ON A CONVERSATION ABOUT RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM IN ART JANE INMELB’S CAT’S NAME IS TABBY NO THANK YOU I ALREADY HAVE A PROPHET BUT CONGRATS ON BEING THE WORLD'S BIGGEST SEPTIC I THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL A GRUMPY CAT CHRISTMAS PART II , STARRING NOT GRUMPY CAT AS THE CHRISTMAS GROUCHY GRINCH 1.        DOESN’T PROPERLY TAG FRIEND 2.        TYPO ON LOL 3.        REPLIES TO OWN COMMENT WITH CAT EMOJI THE TRIFECTA OF FACEBOOK COMMENTING HAS BEEN ACHIEVED "NEVER GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN REPLY." - BIGGIE "TOO LA...

Januany (sub, you can pick the sub) Five Dollar Foot Longebruary March On Down Here For a Sub Aprilotta Meat On Your Sub? Sure We Can Do That It’s a little slimy tho May We Make You a Sub? Yes Juneuany (sub, you can pick the sub) July Down and Eat This Sub Dammit Augustus Caesar Salad Sub* Subwayeptember Octobeatfreshr No Way Our Subs Are This Goodvember ("they are," somebody can say that, like RG3) Decemberrr It’s Cold Eat a Sub *can we do this

I HEAR YA’ GARFIELD IT’S LIKE SOME PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID THEY DON’T EVEN REALIZE THAT “PEOPLE” IS A PROPER NOUN WHY IS SANTA ON THE PHONE BUT GARFIELD IS NOT DOESN’T MATTER I GUESS, I’M JUST HAPPY GARFIELD GOT HIS WISH LET’S HEAR IT FROM ALL THE SMART PEOPLE WHO ARE FED UP WITH STUPID PEOPLE “CAN I GO” IS A QUESTION AND COWBOY BOOTS AREN’T TYPICALLY ASSOCIATED WITH ISLANDS AND ALSO WHAT THAT MUST BE THE SMART WAY TO WRITE DUMBASSES WHICH MAKES ME THE DOMB-AZS’SS I GUESS ALSO I THOUGHT DUM-AZZ'Z WEREN'T ALLOWED ON THE ISLAND, MAN I AM LOST HERE NO ARGUMENTS HERE, MARIE—NO STUPIDITY IS ALL I WONT TO “RELLY, SHERRY? RELLY?” – SETH MAYERS AND AMI POLLER I THINK I’M BEING TROLLED NO DUMB BLONDES ON THE ISLAND—VOTE FOR LOIS IN 2016, PRESIDENT OF NO STUPID ISLAND GARFIELD CAN BE VP IS THAT DOTTIE SIGNING OFF FROM CHRIS’ ACCOUNT OR DID CHRIS TRY AND TAG DOTTIE AND FAIL? JUST TO BE SAFE L...

YOUR SON’S WHAT SERIOUSLY DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING STAMP COLLECTION? GF? (NOT! SLUT, AMIRITE #MOMPROBZ) GAMING SKILLS? DODGE NEON? INDIFFERENCE TOWARD HIS FATHER? MAYBE THIS IS JUST A BLARING TYPO I LOVE MY SON’S BENO WINBUSH THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WOW FEELS LIKE I’VE BEEN TRANSPORTED TO GREECE CIRCA 500 BC AND THEY HAVE FACEBOOK ORIGINAL LOUCAIDES ALEXANDER AND LEONIDAS BE LIKE “DANG MOM CHILL YOU’RE EMBARRASSING US” AS THEY POST CAT VIDEOS TO YOUTUBE #WARRIORS SON’S WHAT MARTHA, PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS MEME BY RESTATING THE MEME, TYPO AND ALL MARTHA: OK CLASSIC ERIC JABBAR RAVENELL NAMEDROP IT'S LIKE WE GET IT YOU KNOW ERIC JABBAR RAVENELL SOMEONE CALL 911 WE HAVE A CASE OF KIDNEY STONES CAUSED BY EXTREME SON LOVE IT’S NOT GOOD "IT HURTS SO NOT GOOD," THE NEW SINGLE FROM GLENDA WILLIAMS FEAT. THREE SONS DROPS DEC. 10TH, COP IT, SON ...

Everyone, meet Adrian. Adrian is the “medium of the year.” Since this is not capitalized, I’m left to assume this is NOT an actual award doled out at the annual Medium of the Year convention in Bloomington, IL (for which the winners are all known in advance, obvs, lol, sorry not sorry, j/k), but a self-serving proclamation. Either way, I am sold. One hundred percent is a LOT of free, and it’s a wonder Adrian can make a living off such an offer. It’s more likely than not that this scarf-wearing, Tom-Brady-ass-looking-mo-fo has a side gig as a male model. I bet all of his modeling clothes are size medium DON’T TOUCH ME I’M ON FIRE RIGHT NOW. Of these I prefer Mentalist Master, which sounds like the title of a Jeru the Damaja track and/or a job title I literally just added to my resume. Everything seemed to be going well until the turn there. “My clairvoyance is extremely powerful, and this FRENCH WORDS NEEDLESS SPACE COLON” This i...

OMG WHAT IS THIS THIS SAD-ASS CHICKEN WITH TREMENDOUSLY LARGE FEET ‘BOUT TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME SAD CHICKEN WAS ALWAYS PLEASING OTHERS THE GEORGE BAILEY OF CHICKENS ALL OF YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS TOOK SAD CHICKEN’S SELFLESSNESS FOR GRANTED SO GOOD LUCK GETTING BY WITHOUT SAD CHICKEN’S HELP SAD CHICKEN TRYIN’ TO TAKE CARE OF SAD CHICKEN, NA MEAN COZ THAT’S THE DEAL COZ IS HOW CHICKENS SAY CAUSE - IT’S THE ONLY SLANG THEY KNOW GIVE THEM A BREAK THEY’RE CHICKENS WHO OUT THERE CAN RELATE TO SAD CHICKEN YES WE ALL WANT TO GO PLACE ALL THESE YEARS DEE HELPED OTHER PEOPLE WEAR DRESSES BUT NOW IT’S HER TURN DAMMIT ALL THANKS TO INSPIRATIONAL SAD CHICKEN I SMELL A SEQUEL SAD CHICKEN LEAVES TOWN PART II: DEE’S NEW DRESS FIVE LIKES BTW SAY WORD DIDN’T REALIZE THIS MEME WAS A PSALM VERSE TO FINALLY GO BACK AND GET MY SECOND-GRADE ENGLISH DEGREE DAMMIT CARL THIS IS NOT A TIME TO JOKE ...