So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: FOR YOUR CONFIDENTIAL OBSERVATION ONLY Sorry but I decided to post this to the Internet. No hard feelings? n. Learn more Believe me, I’d like to "n. Learn more" as much as anyone, but I can’t n. Learn more until you start the email. I am Raymond Taylor the son of last wife to the former president of Liberia who was asked by unanimous decision by the international community to step down from the corridors of power . I smell an “Everybody Loves Raymond” reboot. Raymond : But Maaaaaa, everybody wants Dad to step down from the corridors of power! Why does he have to be so stubborn all the time? Robert : Yeah Ma. I don’t think Dad asked you to be his eighth wife NOT to get involved in decisions like this. Raymond : No one asked you - you're not even her real son. Doris Roberts : You boys shutup and eat your lasagna. (laugh track) I write you this mail under duress and as a result of my recent decision to better the lives of me. ...

WELCOME FALL MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR LOOK AROUND YOU, ALL THE SIGNS OF FALL ARE HERE THE BLARING SUN THE FALL-COLORED BUTTERFLIES SQUARE PERIODS THAT SIT A LINE BELOW THE SENTENCE PUMPKINS WEARING FEDORAS WOODY WOODPECKER WHEN I WAS A KID, ON THE FIRST DAY OF FALL, WE WOULD ALWAYS STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AND MY PARENTS WOULD STAY HOME FROM WORK AND WE WOULD WATCH WOODY WOODPECKER AS A FAMILY MOM WOULD FIT THE FEDORA ON THE JACK-O-LANTERN, DAD WOULD COOK UP SOME BUTTERFLIES AND OL’ WOODY WOULD PECK HIS WAY OUT OF SOME SH*T AND INTO OUR HEARTS HOW ABOUT MY FACEBOOK PEEPS? THAT’S A GREAT STATEMENT EXCEPT FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT IT “I WON’T MY SUMMER BACK-SUMMER BACK “JUNIOOOOOOR’S SUMMER BACK THOUGHTS” THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE CHILI’S SONG FORGET IT “GOOD WRITTEN” AS GOOD RIDDANCE IS THE MOST IRONIC THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE IRONY IS SOOOO FALL THOUGH, SO IT’S PERFECT FO...

There is so, so much to love about terrible Internet memes. The faux inspiration, the passive aggressive insults targeted at no one in particular, the fishing lines of self-affirmation, the rally cry of pointing out super obvious things, and the inexplicable use of non-copyrighted cartoon characters as the mouthpiece by which to do so. Tweety Bird thinks you’re a crazy aunt but that’s OK? Sure, why not. But my favorite aspect of terrible memes is the bafflingly consistent use of awful grammar. Like, a meme only has a handful of words, typically in a humongous font, yet there are always grammatical errors. I mean, no one can proofread these? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT—GOTTA GET THIS BABY OUT THERE! Click Click-CLICK (I have blue eyes btw, if you've always been wondering why I'm so dang kind-hearted and always looking out for other.) The punctuation, syntax, misuse of possessives, straight misspellings and—my favorite—utterly random capitaliz...

A friend and co-worker revealed recently that when he went to elementary school in the Midwest, they were given milk in bags. Like, individually, for lunch, each kid got milk in a bag. In a bag . No one had ever heard of such a thing. He texted his wife to make sure he wasn’t crazy and SHE TOO enjoyed milk in a bag as a youth. But she also grew up in the Midwest and we attributed the whole situation to random, bizarre, flyover state milk consumption habits. (We also assumed the two of them met in some Illinois grammar school—“Illinois Grammar School”—making flirty eyes from across the cafeteria while sipping gross ass milk from a dang sack.) But THEN, in an odd coincidence, a Facebook friend of my wife, who we don’t think is from the middle of the country, posted a pic of milk in a bag with a caption along the lines of, “Who remembers these from back in the day LOL” and people DID. They did remember! WHAT THE HELL. Literally for 37 years I had never heard of milk in a bag, and...

Subject: Re: SUSPECT_SPAM_SA1-SMT P PLEASE READ MY MESSAGE IT IS VERY IMPORTANT This subject header seems to contain conflicting information, but I will err on the side of caution and trust it completely. PLEASE TAKE TIME TO READ EVERYTHING IN THIS MESSAGE, THANK YOU. OK. I owe you at least that much. I believe this message will come to you as a surprise because we have never met before. My Name is Sergeant Andrea James Zaugg. I am from Victor-ville California, United States of America.  I’m surprised we’ve never met, Army sergeant who needs to point out that California is in the United States but is unaware his hometown is not hyphenated. I found your Email contact in an address journal online. And here we are. Destiny, thy name is Zaugg. I work with the U.S Army, but currently on a peace keeping mission here in Kabul Afghanistan. Those things are not mutually exclusive, but OK. The information i am about to disclose to you will be of great...

Subject: hi This email is about hi LOL subject header much? Pfft. Seriously though, hi. Hello man! Hello … woman ? Fingers crossed! You look amazing! Thanks! I woke up like this. Sitting at a computer in my underwear with mad eye boogers responding to spam emails while my children demand “breakfast” … ha ha … children. So like, you can see me through the compu- Let me introduce myself! No need! You’re “Lauren House,” a.k.a. Housed9dc38@marketinggovernor.com but I should reply to codiehk23@rambler.ru so I know you’re like ... one of those things! I am Olga from Russia! Or: Olga. I am looking for a caring, self-confident man for a normal communication and serious relationship! I suppose that you have all of these qualities! My mom always said: When you suppose, you make an ass out of you and me. But in this particular case, you happen to be RIGHT ON, Olga. I am caring, self-confident, and—correct me if I’m wrong—but I’m preeeeeeety sure we’re...

The following is my submission to a contest hosted by Phoenix's popular record store, Stinkweeds, inviting reviews of Beach House's  Depression Cherry for a chance to win an exclusive version of the album on vinyl. I lost , but WAS named runner-up, which is cool. “Where do they go from here?” It’s been a legitimate question to ask along the timeline of magnificent Beach House productions. The Baltimore duo has, impressively, been able to answer that question quite resoundingly with each release. After achieving a modern masterpiece with their Sub Pop debut, Teen Dream , Alex Scally and Victoria Legrand doubled down on their dream pop progression with Bloom , taking the band from the quiet comfort of indie darlings to, if not the mainstream, something more ambitious. Never has the “Where do they go from here?” question been more apropos than following Bloom ; assuredly something grander than that would weigh the “dream pop” scale too heavily to the latter. (An...

SHORT GIRLS HAVE LIVED ON THE MARGINS OF SOCIETY FOR TOO LONG HOW DARE YOU SAY SHORT GIRLS AREN’T CUTE AND SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO VOTE THEY ARE ALL CUTE ALL OF THEM, EVEN THE UGZZ ONES I CAN’T REPOST THO B/C I DON’T SEE MY HEIGHT B/C HEIGHTS AREN’T WRITTEN LIKE THAT DAMN A SEMI-COLON, WHO MADE THIS MEME A SHORT GIRL J/K SHORT GIRLS YOU ARE GOOD AT PUNCTUATION AND ALSO CUTE A CUTE LITTLE NONSENSICAL SEMI-COLON WHO IS ALSO A FAIRY LET’S HEAR IT FROM THE SHORT GIRLS SHE LOVES IT, ALSO CAN'T WRITE HEIGHTS - 13 LIKES SHE DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS SHORT - 12 LIKES SHE REFUSES TO BE SHORT - 13 LIKES REACH FOR THE STARS, BETTE JAMESON, LITERALLY SHE’S TALL MAYBE - 6 LIKES SHE’S ALMOST 5’ AND HER ASS IS DISAPPEARING - 10 LIKES SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SHORT BUT WHEN SHE GREW UP SHE REALIZED SHE WAS SHORT - 1 LIKE WTF THANK YOU SHORT GIRLS, YOU ARE ALL CUTE HEROES

Subject: Job Available 7017074895824 I am a hot commodity on the job market these days. From: dagwood bumstead ( dagwoodbumstead@comcast.net ) Seems legit. Нi, We are returning bаck rеgаrding rеquеst оn а Carееrs web-sitе. Yes, I did make a request for a job on a Careers web-site, and I forgive you for failing to mention the exact name of the site to which you are responding. The name of the site was CareersWeb-site.com. Wе hаvе fоund that yоu mаtсh our сritеriа fоr vacаnt pоsition оf Mаiling Operator. I applied for the position of Crane Operator, but OK. Yоur Duties аrе: I got the job? - Aсcерtаnсe/mаiling the goоds frоm the sеrvice-department, Hmmm, I see your company—I’m sure you will mention the name of your company eventually, Dagwood Bumstead—mails goods direct from the service department. Out of my comfort zone, but then again: YOLO. - Соntrol оf оutwаrd damаgеs, Got it. Damage control. (winky face emoticon) - Рapеr r...