So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Intro: There are some Arizona Cardinals fan sites that like to express their insecure love for the local team via weird trash talk and hyper-masculine threats of violence. Let us explore some today, OK? OK. PRETTY SURE IT IS THO ONE HUNDRED YARDS + 160 FEET WIDE + 22 HUMANS = MAD ROOM ALSO IT'S THEIR FIELD ALSO THE FIELD IS IN A STADIUM THAT IS LITERALLY LIKE THE BIGGEST STADIUM THAT HAS EVER EXISTED ALSO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN I'VE NEVER WATCHED FOOTBALL BEFORE SO NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS DOES THE FATTER TEAM GAIN RIGHTS TO THE FIELD, AT WHICH POINT THEY SET UP THEIR KINGDOM J/K I LIKE YOUR MEMES DO HAVE ANY ABOUT OTHER TEAMS OR PLAYERS OH SNAP ... WHAT HIS LAST NAME IS GORE SO THIS SHOULD BE "FRANK WHO?" WHICH ALSO DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT STILL, OH SNAP PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE HAS THE BALL AND IS GETTING TACKLED ONLY THE BEST, MOST RECOGNIZABLE PLAYERS DON'T EVER GET TACKLED IN FOOTBALL, LIKE ALL THE CARDINAL...

Subject: Congratulations beneficiary! This is going to be a good day. Everyone is happy and proud of my ability to earn money just by sitting around. Good day, I know, right? This is to inform you that the WESTERN UNION management is no longer happy with your inability to contact us since the last time we sent you an email in regards to the below information. Welp, now I am sad. At first, WESTERN UNION management was happy with my inability to contact them, our clever game of me not responding to emails they never sent producing a kind of joy similar to when a father tries to call his estranged son from jail before remembering he doesn't have a son. But that persisted, and they changed emotional course, and they are no longer happy with this. As someone who has made a lifelong, conscious effort to never disappoint WESTERN UNION management (WWWUMD?), this has obviously rocked my world. This is the 4th time we are reaching you and would probably be the last if you fail to...

When I go food shopping, if circumstances allow, I bag my own groceries. What are the necessary circumstances? First and foremost, I must be shopping alone. If I have my girls with me, I’m sorry, but all of my attention and energy on the checkout line is focused on keeping their hands off the candy and trying to prevent them from repeatedly asking the cashier for stickers. Not that I succeed at this, as I typically leave the store with two girls plastered with stickers on their body and faces that read “THIS ALCOHOL IS PAID FOR.” Second, there has to be no store employee available to bag. I wouldn’t want a grocery store employee coming to my job, pushing me out of my chair and sitting down to write a rambling column about my family, so I won’t impose. This rules out shopping at Safeway, which usually has baggers. By the way, I’m pretty sure Safeway baggers are obligated to ask, “Do you need help out with this?” which is embarrassing for everyone involved when I’m declining while be...

Subject: Glendale Incidents - Glendalestar.com: News 2014-08-28 2:05:53 This is an interesting spam email tactic. They've taken an actual article from our actual website and used it as the subject header for this email. So, theoretically, were I an idiot, I would say to myself, "Oh, this legit person must be emailing me about something online. I better open this email and see what is happening so I can address it instantaneously and professionally. After all, I am the web editor, and I must adhere to my responsibilities." Then I open the email. Dear Sir / Madam, "This person is good and nice, and I don't hold it against them that they don't know whether I have a penis or a vagina. After all, my work email handle, 'subscribe,' is not gender specific. But I definitely don't have a vagina, for what it's worth. "Not sure why I needed to remind myself of that, but no going back now. My inner dialogue bites its tongue for no one....

Subject: sir or madam I must be doing something wrong if none of these spam emails can detect my masculinity through their computers. I am going to wear more cologne. Attn:  Car Cleaners Detailing - Mesa, AZ - Peoriatimes.com You have correctly identified our newspaper's website - peoriatimes.com - as a car cleaner that does detailing. In Mesa. This is reassuring, since we were originally, back in 1978, concerned the name "Peoria Times" might lead people to believe we were a newspaper in Peoria that DIDN'T do car detailing in Mesa. WHEW. To: The Director, That would be me. I direct all car detailing here. And write a humor column. Our company is specialized in Multi-Function Jump Starter.  OK. Hey, I just thought of a cool name for your company that exemplifies everything you're about: Peoria Times. It is a good partner of the car, car owners are also motorists essential artifact. This sentence reads like you found a bunch of words on the side of...

It’s cute the way kids talk. Until it isn’t. A speech therapist mom and writer dad, we work in words all day long, and as such, our girls are far less likely than most kids their age to get away with poor speech. I mean, we’re not over the top—we’re not using flashcards like Rick Moranis in Parenthood —we just feel as though they’re at the age now where it’s important for them to pronounce things correctly. Ya’ know, to learn and stuff. Which is fine … until they manage to drag you down with them into the abyss of meaninglessness. They say pick your battles as a parent, and it’s true. It’s not that I pick the wrong battles—although I do—it’s that, once engaged, I get strung along on an adventure that is so far away from the initial point I was trying to make, I end up alone and left for dead on the island of confusion. If I didn’t know better—although I don’t—I’d say they do this intentionally. To wit: Me : Anything exciting happen at school today, girls? Girl 2 : Marley at s...

Subject: VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FUND I have a fund? I have fund. I HAVE A FUND! My Dear, I am Miss.Faith Okeke a Computer IT with central bank of Nigeria. Good ol' "Mississippi" Faith Okeke - the Nigerian computer tech with a no-nonsense approach that belies her Southern charm. Coming to CBS this fall. I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N. I mean C.B.N. And now. I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, Whew! That's a relief. Had my file marked XXX and disk painted GREEN made it to Nigeria, I would be very, very concerned. Phone calls would have to be made. Diplomatic relations compromised. I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you. Hmmm. That's annoying. When you almost pay a certificate you expect a fund release. That's just common courtesy. One would think I'd be aware of the fund not being r...

Subject: Christian Louboutin Bargain Sales Let's do this. www.myliving123.com Welcome to christian louboutin outlet, be in the front of fashion, Christian Louboutin shoes are welcomed.Christian Louboutin shoes are the shoes stylish women deserve to own. Being stylish in itself is what earns a woman the right to have Christian Louboutin shoes, which are also stylish. And welcomed? Theoretically, a woman who punches puppies in their little puppy faces but who is also stylish *deserves* Christian Louboutin shoes. I hope the women of third world countries can rest easy tonight knowing the reason they don't have nice, expensive shoes is because they don't deserve them because they aren't stylish. So far, this email has its finger on the pulse of virtue and basic morality. ANYWAY, I know nothing about women and have been fooled by emails before. Do you have photographic evidence that Christian Louboutin shoes are truly something women like? This montage of cr...

When we embarked on a family drive to my grandparent’s house when I was young, we would pass this large building. There was no signage out front, and I was always curious as to what the building was. One day, as my dad drove us all to Mum and Pop’s, we inevitably passed it, and I finally asked my dad about the building. My dad, while spying me through his rearview mirror said, “Oh, that? That’s the Seatbelt Federation building. They monitor which kids are wearing their seatbelts in the passing cars, so if I were you, I’d get mine on LIKE I TOLD YOU WHEN WE LEFT THE HOUSE.” I couldn’t get my seatbelt on fast enough. I’d like to say it was my childlike naïveté and not sheer idiocy that spurred me to action, but I’m pretty sure I was a teenager before I realized it was really a professional building that rented office space. Fast forward some 30 odd years, to my daily routine of strapping two girls into their car seats. They’re both at the age now where they want to do everything on...

Subject: Re I hate you. Hello! Hello! I hope you don't mind me contacting you. Not at all, Dmitriy Golovin [nikogdin@yandex.ru]! I am just sitting here at my full-time job for which I have a laundry list of daily responsibilities that - let's be honest - can wait while I open this email regarding nothing that was sent to me by a robot with a misspelled name that is at at odds with the BS email address for which it's associated. What's good, Dmitriy? I enjoy collecting souvenirs from various corners of the wide world and this has turned into a hobby. OK. This is good for me to know. I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU DMITRIY. I wish you a long, fruitful existence of caressing your souvenirs lovingly when you are not busy sending out emails to random people about how much you love your souvenirs. Is it OK if I get back to work no- I was hoping that you would be kind and send me a little something. Uhhh I have received gifts from all over the world, including han...

Subject: Congratulations!! Your Payment Is Ready (States Federal Reserve) I wasn't expecting a payment, but the double exclamation points on this congratulatory email from the federal government speak to the legitimacy of my situation. I have butterflies of excitement in my tummy. FOREIGN TRANSFER DEPARTMENT UNITED STATES FEDERAL RESERVE 2012/2014 FRAUD VICTIMS REF/PAYMENTS CODE:FRB/00546 Date:- 22/09/2014 Totally real department of the government? Check I'm a fraud victim? Check? Payment code? Check. Recent date written almost accurately? Check. This all checks out. Attention:- Beneficiary, Call me Mike. It has come to our notice that you have been defrauded of your hard earned money by fraudsters from Africa and the rest of the world. DANG AFRICAN FRAUDSTERS! (shakes fist to the sky) Welp, at least justice is being served, even if there is no detail regarding exactly how the fraudsters have been defrauding me of my hard-earned money so that maybe I can adj...

Subject: Purchase Seems like this person would like to purchase a newspaper subscription. I can help with that. Hello, My name is Jeff Wilson and i will like to know if you carry (SPRINKLERS) for sale. I have three things to say, Jeff Wilson: 1) wtf this is a newspaper, get a hold of yourself, man. 2) I'm not sure you understand how to use parenthesis. 3) Yes, we do. If yes , reply me back with your website so that i can select the one that am interested in purchasing from your company Have you tried Googling "SPRINKLERS?" It is likely a more efficient means of attaining SPRINKLERS than emailing the publication manager at a weekly community newspaper, especially considering newspapers and SPRINKLERS have had a long adversarial history. That said, our website is https://newspaperSPRINKLERS-select-your-favorite-one-by-checking-this-website.edu. also i will recommend a freight company for the picked up. Geez dude how many SPRINKLERS do you need? J/k I will ...

When you’re trying to book travel online, you can always use a little help. Why? Because booking travel online is not easy. There are 78 different sites you can use to get the same exact flight information, or you can just use Kayak.com, which will do all of that redundant work for you. Press enter on Kayak, DUCK, and hope the carnival of pop-up boxes that emerge does not crash your hard drive. Then, sift through all of them one-by-one only to discover they are all the same exact flights and price. Or, use Priceline, and utilize the “name your price” option. I mean, when has naming your own price for something ever NOT worked? If there’s anything more fun than booking travel online, it’s spending inordinate amounts of time and energy getting in a bidding war arranged by William Shatner based on the .001 percent chance you’ll spend $5 less than if you had just blindly chosen one of Kayak’s pop-up boxes. Luckily, there are tricks to the trade. All you have to do is ask a seasoned t...

This message was sent with high importance. What can be so important at this ungodly hour (12:26 p.m.)? Subject: Nice guy/Kashmire White can be offered again It's arguable that nothing in my life up to this point has been AS important as this. I am ready. From: connie-wei [connie-wei@vip.163.com] Please proceed, Connie hyphen Wei. I'm willing for you! Whoa, Connie hyphen Wei! Slow your roll there, sugarlips. First, I am married. Second, I only came here with the honest intention of acquiring some kashmire white. Remember - I am a nice guy. Good day to you, o(≧v≦)o~~ Yes, if that bonkers emoticon is not a dead giveway, this is the same "company" that, a few weeks back, sold me some dope slabs . For all the slab work I do. Since the Wuhan Co. and I have a history of doing business together, I am going to hear them out, OK? OK. How are you doing? I am doing good, Connie hyphen Wei. Prettaay, prettaaaay, prettaaaaaaaaay good. Here is a good news fo...

Subject: HELP ME LIKE YOUR SISTER This could mean a number of things: 1) Someone who does not like my sister is emailing me to assist them in liking her. If so, allow me to say that my sister is nice, and you should like her because she is nice. Both of them. I have two sisters. They are married though, so if you are trying to like her like her, please do not because she doesn't need that drama. Because she is a bitch. Both of them. 2) Someone is urging me to help them in that same way in which I once helped my sister, which a) how did you know I had to bail my sister out of jail for assaulting a Denny's waitress? and b) OK, I will. (c) I won't.) 3) Someone wants me to help them as if I would help, theoretically, a sister, and by this they could mean a biological sister; a nun; or a sister in Christ because they are about to go into detail about how Christian they are in this awful email that is trying to spam me and ruin my entire life. Let's see ... Dear ...