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Subject: QUAYLE - 2016 BUMPER STICKERS NOW AVAILABLE Cool! What ? Dear Mr. FVP Quayle,  Please run for President in 2016. I uh … I’m not sure I’m supposed to have recei- I can sense the media people now realize the days of cracking ignorant jokes at your and quite frankly everyone's expense are long gone. Pretty sure those jokes were only at Dan Quayle’s expense. Also they are long gone because they happened 22 years ago. The days of taking pot shots at Caligula’s barbarism are long gone. Okay, it’s safe to come out now, Caligula! Two days ago I sent these proposed bumper stickers by email to about 300 newspaper publishers, editors and reporters in Indiana just to see what the response would be. I only received one negative reply from someone who was an obvious Obama supporter. I’m not sure ignoring ridonk bumper sticker-related emails counts as an endorsement. Nevertheless, it’s official – Dan Quayle h...

Hey, do you guys remember that column I wrote about the magical back yard garden I was tending? Yes? Great! That garden is dead. I don’t know what happened. The zucchinis I had planted there did so well that, had they grown vertically instead of horizontally, I could have reenacted Jack and the Beanstalk for the girls. Instead it was more like Little Shop of Horrors. “Feed me, Seymour!” the zucchini plants screamed at me as I whacked them down with a machete, defiantly exclaiming, “My name is MIKE!” So that was how that ended. I tried to plant other things, which always looked great immediately after planting. Then the sun would come out.  I was left with a 6X6 block of turf in the corner of the yard that was watered every day via our drip system even though nothing grew there. This is a great use of resources, I thought to myself daily while struggling to come up with an alternative. Then it hit me. A playhouse for the girls. Not only would this be a fantast...

Subject: call him at (781) 261-0709 OKAY! ( frantically picks up phone, dials number ... thinks for a second, hangs up ) Wait. Call who? Our delivery agent is currently in Atlantic City International Airport; Address: 101 Atlantic City International Airport, Atlantic City, NJ 08234.with your package, So you're telling me I have to pick up my " Fisher Price Loving Family Exclusive Holiday Dollhouse " at the Atlantic City Airport? Because that is literally the only thing I've ordered in the last week. This doesn't sound right. His name is Mr. Dan Udo Oh hold up - it's Mr. Dan Udo? The Mr. Dan Udo? From high school? Oh word, why didn't you say so! Gonna holla at a playa ... what's that number again? His Number;call him at (781) 261-0709 Calls number (really) HELLO. PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME AFTER THE TONE, AND GLOBAL VOICE WILL TRY AND CONNECT YOU. Beep. Me : Hank Farthead (not my real name, but the most legit-sounding name I could think of...

I recently had the wonderful and rare pleasure of a night out with my lovely wife and good friends. After a few beers, I needed to use the restroom. It should be mentioned here that this endeavor used to be quite simple. Back before kids, when at least one weekend evening involved time spent at a restaurant or an endearingly terrible bar, I could easily locate the bathroom because I either knew where it was or could draw upon my experience and instinct to find it. But now? It seems many establishments, in my time away from the game, have tried to attain some sort of post modern hipster identity and take immense pride in confusing patrons 35 and up. The restroom isn’t easily located because, what is this, 2007 ? Pfft. Please use our restaurant’s app to find the bathroom or answer a series of riddles from our host who is dressed like a character from “A Clockwork Orange.” But I’m not even here to talk about that. No, what’s more disconcerting to me is what happens when I ac...

Subject: Online Horse Lover Cool, I've been anxious to become engaged in a conversation re: online horse lovers for quite some time now. Preferably with an actual online horse lover. Fingers crossed! Hello Handsome ,  I just want to get this out of the way now, based on that salutation: I am NOT a horse, okay? So chill. How are you doing today ? Good. But feeling a bit hoarse congested. My Name is Anita 32 Years old female never been married with no kids and I also don't bother with ages . "Age Ain't Nothing But a Number" - Aaliyah, and also Anita Seriously, age. Pfft. Who needs it? My wife is 106. My limo driver is a baby. I have menopause. I don't give a sh*t. I am kinda new to this internet stuff and i saw it through advertisement OUT NOW: THE INTERNET! SIGN UP TODAY ON YOUR COMPUTER OR WHATEVER AND GET YOUR HORSE LOVE ON and decided to see how lucky i am in searching for a man who is Caring,Loving,Truthful, Honesty,Trust worthy,Under...

I try to be a man of culture (a strong statement coming from someone who used to participate in lengthy email chains regarding the most recent “Flavor of Love” episode). I listen to NPR sometimes. I fashion myself a great fan of “indie” music. Occasionally I will read a book, or at least leave one on the end table near my bed with the best of intentions, only to waste away the minutes before slumber playing Words With Friends on my phone instead. Point is that I can do words and stuff. It was culture I had in mind when I considered my wife’s Christmas gift this past year. I usually like to arrange some kind of date rather than buy her a material gift because I value our time spent together more than lavishing her with goods. Also because I’ve tried to buy her material things before and it hasn’t gone well. Also because I saw the movie Blood Diamond in a hotel once. Also because I cannot afford diamonds. Speaking of movies, last year for her gift we went to see Les Miserable...

THIS DOESN'T SEEM LIKE 'HEART TOUCHING' FUN IT'S KINDA GROSS DON'T REMEMBER THE EPISODE OF LOONEY TOONS WHERE BUGS SAID THAT GONNA IMDB THAT JOINT YO HOLD UP ... "MONDAYS ARE LIKE WHEN MEN EJACULATE TOO QUICKLY" - BUGS BUNNY, EPISODE 48, SEASON 6, 'ELMER TRIES TO CATCH BUGS AGAIN' TH-TH-TH-THAT'S ALL FOLKS HOLD UP ISN'T BUGS A DUDE OH BUGS BUNNY IS GAY THAT'S COOL BUT EITHER WAY THIS IS NOT COOL IS BUGS ON A BASKETBALL COURT NOT SURE WHAT IS HAPPENING ALL THAT SAID I HEAR YA' BUGS MONDAY IS THE WORST I HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHOWER NOW TO WASH OUT THE MEMORIES OF THIS MEME THANKS BYE

Subject: Are You Dead Or Alive? NOT REALLY SURE ( checks pulse, grabs crotch, slaps self in face ) OH YEAH I BE LIVING MY DEAR FRIEND, FIRST YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M ALIVE NOW WE'RE DEAR FRIENDS, WTF LOL J/K HOLLA ATCHA BOY THIS IS TO LET YOU KNOW, THAT YOUR AUTOMATED TRANSIT ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SET UP, AND YOU ARE NOW FREE TO ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT AND MAKE TRANSFER ON YOUR OWN TO ANY BANK OF YOUR CHOICE. OH WORD? BEEN SITTING HERE FOR A HOT MINUTE WONDERING WHEN THOSE FOOLS GONNA SET UP MY AUTOMATED TRANSIT ACCOUNT. I GOT AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER READY TO MAKE SOME TRANSFERS, NA MEAN PLAYA? PLEASE FIND BELOW YOUR AUTOMATED ACCOUNT DETAILS. STEP ON ACCESS CODE NO: 234-1-2460000 ACCOUNT NO: 405213486 TRANSFER NUMBER: 2433400 THIS ALL MAKES SENSE. JUST PRINTED THAT SHIZZ OUT AND STEPPED ON IT AS INSTRUCTED. NOW WHAT? STEP TWO YOU ARE TO DIAL UP THE INTERNATIONAL ACCESS CODE NUMBER, LISTEN TO THE INSTRUCTION, FOLLOW BY YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER, AND YOU WILL BE WELCOMED ...

This is me at Verizon, daughters in tow, trying to upgrade my phone. Me : Girls, listen—I just have to get a new phone. Please, please, please just relax while I talk to the worker, and I promise I’ll do this as fast as I can. Then we’ll pick up the pizza, okay? Girls : PIZZA! Me : Shhhh! Girls, please. Just … be quiet and like, don’t move around. Woman wearing headset and operating tablet : Mike? Me : Yes, hi. Okay, listen—I need to do this before these two ( points to girls sideways with thumb ) make me lose it, so here’s the deal. I need to upgrade my phone. So let’s do that. Like now. Verizon woman : Okay, right this way. Me : Girls, follow me. Girls : ( spinning in circles ) Me : GIRLS. Verizon woman : Okay, this is the iPhone 5— Girl two : DADDY I HAVE TO GO POTTY. Me : Are you … what ? No. You just went before we left school. That was literally 10 minutes ago. No. Please wait. ( turns to worker ) I’m sorry, you were saying? Verizon woman : This is the i...