So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Requesting for a Sponsor Post This seems real. From: peetar parkar [burjadvertising@gmail.com] Peetar Parkar: the Spiderman of spam Hi! Hi, Peetar! Hope you’re keeping well! I am! I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how well I am keeping. In fact, here is a list of things I am keeping right now : well it real on keeping on safe my distance pepper spray on me just in case we ever cross paths But mostly I am keeping well. I’m Peetar, an avid reader and Media blogger, a passion which I think we share. Peetar, if you're like me - Klaark Kennt, which is totes my name - the passion you have for reading and media blogging will never be satisfied. I literally cannot see a media blog without blogging about it on my media blog. Have you read my media blog? Your blog "http://www.glendalestar.com/" is by far the most interesting I have come across in the recent past, hands down! I have several things to say about this: That is not my media blog...

I received a text message from my good friend VERIZON WIRELESS that read, “You’ve used about 75 percent of your 3GB data plan (cycle ends the 10 th ).” It was the 19 th . I texted my other good friend with whom I share the aforementioned 3GB of monthly data, my wife, like “What gives?” I immediately received a text back that read, “You’ve used about 90 percent of your 3GB data plan (cycle ends the 10 th ).” I put the phone down, slowly backed away, ran across the street and hid behind a tree. Suspecting my wife’s phone was the culprit, it still fell on me to call Verizon because my wife is on the road all day. (My office job, apparently, consistently affords me the opportunity to take care of such personal matters. Can’t talk now, boss-I’m on hold with PetSmart grooming. ) The first bit of information Verizon needed, because my wife is listed as the account holder, was the last four of her social or our Verizon password. Regarding the latter, infinity question marks. (One of my gu...

Subject: News Of the good nature, I hope. Good day. 1) Yes, Putin is the maniac, killer, bastard... This is not good news. Tell me the population of Japan. Uh It is about 140 millions or smth... Yep. I just checked populationfacts.org, and it says "The population of Japan is 140 millions or something. Whatevs." Now that we've got the population of Japan out of the way, let's talk more about that maniac killer. They live at island. what South Korea has 40-50 millions, who live at peninsula. I live at desert land mass. My name Mike. Population: ones. Russian population is 120 millions lives at 20% of earth. "Welcome to Russia, a.k.a. 20 percent of earth. Try our gazpacho, and maybe keep a low profile." And this idiot every day occupies new territories. Crazy stupid ass, and nothing very much. This is a good political editorial. Really makes you think. There are hundreds and thousands of Putin's tanks, which goes to Ukraine d...

Subject: THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FUNDS. Finally. I am Rev. Tody Anderson. a computer scientist working with central bank of Nigeria. I just started work with C.B.N. and I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees but the fund was not released to you. You may or may not recall that I’ve been down the CBN/red disk road before , courtesy of our good friend, Miss. Faith Okeke, a real person who is real. Like Miss. Faith before him, Rev. Tody Anderson mentions how life in Nigeria is similar to life in the mafia. Unlike Miss. Faith, the good reverend gets hella specific. Listed below are the mafias and banks behind the non release of your funds that I managed to sneak out for your kind perusal. While I appreciate being provided information about the multiple mafias responsible for my seat within middle class, you can rest assured, Rev. Tody, I will NOT be perusing t...

My Uncle Mike is my Godfather. Growing up, our family tradition was that, among extended family, only the Godparents provided Christmas gifts to the kids. For this, my Uncle Mike was also the Godfather. Of giving the best gifts. (I must acknowledge here my Godmother, Aunt Carol, who also gave fantastic Christmas gifts. I truly lucked out in the Godparent gift department. Many a Christmas Day my younger sister bitterly lamented my good fortune while unwillingly wearing an ill-fitting sweatshirt with a bedazzled giraffe on it.) There were two hallmarks of an Uncle Mike gift—unexpected and masculine. Regarding the former, they weren’t unexpected in that I didn’t expect to get a gift. Oh no, I definitely expected a gift. But it showed poor taste, apparently, to request a specific gift, something I discovered when I innocently asked my mom if I could make a Santa list and an Uncle Mike list. So my mind would race with the possibilities of what it could be, and I was always wa...

Subject: VL: China Juparana surface and size Guys, Connie is back . CONNIE IS BACK . Granite, Marble, Slate, Limestone, Artificial Stone, I'm willing for you! And she's still kind of slutty. #slabslutty Nice day to you dear friend, I just want to mention that, in the email, the little photo there rotates around like a gif. I couldn't figure out to post it here like that because, apparently, Connie is better at that stuff than me. Connie is the best. Not updating our production photos to you for a long time, due to the G603 promotion in September continued a whole month. If anyone out there has actually followed these weird exchanges with Connie and her company (which used to be called Wuhan but is now called Xiamen Vinstone because of course), you're aware the emails always begin by acknowledging the problems encountered during their previous slab release and how everything is cool now. And here we are again. The G603 promo took a whole month? I'...

Subject: FW: FROM SUPREME COURT OF BENIN REP BRANCH: OB/OP/1234 PLOT AKPAKPA, COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC. OUR REF.CODE:BSEL/773/AWN/021/ 09 Phone;+229 68734461, Urgent Attention, You Are Expected To Call Us +229 68734461 Once You Receive These Email. Please my dear That was the subject. Please my dear the entire Supreme Court Of Benin Republic are here Not just one or two guys, in which case I could have easily ignored this email. Nah, yo, errrybody be there, which is a statement about as grammatically potent as the one above. to make it to be clear to you that there was a case that we have been handling here since concerning your funds because we got some reports that you did not received your funds since after every story you have being hearing regarding the funds and all types of payments you have be paid to receive the funds but none is received by you. That was one sentence, fwiw. I mean, it wasn't a sentence sentence, but it felt like a sentence, in that reading it felt...

This month we're examining our favorite Christmas gifts of yore. For part one, see here . One of the greatest Christmas gifts of my awkward youth was received in good ol’ 1991, and was, as I’m sure you guessed, a cassette tape of Bell Biv Devoe’s remix album. The name of the album was “WBBD-Bootcity!: The Remix Album.” To this day, I do not know what the “W” in the title stands for, and I also don’t know what or where Bootcity is. But this was definitely a remix album. Part of the reason I pushed so hard for this was because one of the songs contained therein was a New Edition reunion track called “Word to the Mutha!” which might be the most 90s thing that ever happened . It’s not everyday you get to hear Bobby Brown jamming and rapping with the crew again, and I needed to have this song forever so I could listen to it over and over again courtesy of an everlasting medium that would never die—a cassette tape. The challenge was getting word to MY mutha that this wa...

Subject: furniture Again ? This time it will be legit. Fool me once with furniture-themed emails, shame on you. For doing that. Fool me twice though with furniture-themed emails? Shame on you again because why are you doing this? What's that? You're totes not fooling me? You promise this is for realsies? OK. I am no fool. Hello Sir, See? They know I'm a dude. Hello. Hope you are fine. I am fine. Thank you. I hope you are fine, too. This is appropriate small talk and I am convinced this email is good and worthy of my time. Glad to know you from online OK, sure I guess. If by "online" you mean "Microsoft Outlook" and if by "know" you mean "have emailed" then what you say is true and nice. and do hope this email will not bother you. Awwww, you are sweet. And no bother. I mean, your email WAS repeatedly knocking on the bathroom door while I was trying to make a poopy earlier, but that is OK. This is Maggie from Yueming...

Subject: ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC. I have dealt with a lot of banks in my day - my favorite being BANK - but I've never heard of ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL. ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC. Zenith Holdings Plc 8 Canada Square. Victoria Island Lagos Airport Road E14 5HQ. Nigeria. Telephone: +2348120635166` ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL is a bank at 8 Canada Square in Victoria Island but also in Nigeria. In an airport. You can doubt - though I wouldn't - ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL's zenith-ness, but you can never doubt ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL's international-ness.                    Attention: Attention: Attention, I know this letter will come to you as surprise one but I want you to read this with maturity. OK, poopyface. This day, one Mrs. Cynthia Edward, came to my office to let us know that you are DEAD, omg and before your death, you instructed her to come for the claim of your f...

Today we begin a special three-part holiday series on our favorite Christmas gifts of yore. When you grow up with two sisters, especially when one of them is older, you can easily be led astray. I watched “Dirty Dancing”— with interest —more times than I could count. I cried during “Steel Magnolias.” When New Kids on the Block emerged and my sisters scooped up all the albums and merchandise, I thought NKOTB were the coolest guys in the world and I wanted to be a member of their singing posse. Until I went to school one day and my third-grade friends started making fun of them, and I was like, “Ha, ha, yeah, those guys are THE WORST. I’m really into Johnny Cash these days.” But there were occasions when my natural, unconscious masculinity shone through. For example, I was very much into He-Man. These days, people might view He-Man (and that previous sentence) with some homoerotic skepticism , but I’m telling you—He-Man was a healthy representation of manhood back in the da...

I’ve always thought downtown Glendale would be just a little bit hipper if, instead of having approximately 138 competing antique shops, it had literally anything else. Not to say the antique shops aren’t fine, but it always seemed like overkill. Replacing just one of them with, say, a cool bar or a vegan lunch spot would, I always thought, go a long way toward attracting a more diverse clientele. I held this line of thinking, however, without ever having stepped foot inside one of these antique shops. Not that I ever had anything against antiquing (legitimate verb, apparently), but I don’t know a good antique from a bad antique, and my perpetual mission in life is to get rid of stuff, not acquire more stuff. If my wife and I were both acquiring stuff, we would be on “Hoarders” next week and I would be buried in scented candles and children’s toys. Walking through downtown Glendale after Oktoberfest last month, my wife and some of our friends did a little window shopping ...

Subject: yard sale watch Cool. I could use a watch from a yard sale. And email seems like the perfect place to get it. My name is David Bailey and I created a FREE yard sale app called " yard sale watch " for the Iphone. I bet Mr. and Mrs. Bailey are proud. And that's coming from someone who creates FREE spam email writeups on his blog. If you see a yard sale or if you are having a yard sale, just click the blue house button on the app and it pins your location. You can add up to 3 photos, share it on facebook,twitter Here is me doing that: I just checked in at [total stranger's driveway]. Trying to talk them down on this: (picture of XXXXL Sean Jean t-shirt on hanger) and this: (picture of Warren Beatty-signed Dick Tracey movie poster) If you're on #yardsalewatch holla atcha boy. (selfie) Oh, and anyone out there know the market price for this? [404 ERROR - YOU HAVE EXCEEDED MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PICTURES ALLOWED ON YARD SALE WATCH APP. PLEASE CLOSE AP...

The big Thanksgiving traditions are properly acknowledged—ad nauseam, if you ask me—every year. There are, however, some important Thanksgiving traditions that have not been given their just due. So today I would like to do just that. The famous Thanksgiving salmon . If you’re vegetarian like my wife and I, then you shirk the traditional turkey in favor of something that contains considerably less bird meat. (By the way, as vegetarians who eat fish, we are technically “pescetarians,” but I am not even going there. Most people we meet in Arizona are already flabbergasted by the term “vegetarian.” There’s no need to make it worse.) And the closest thing to bird meat is a dead, pink fish. It’s not like we’re going to eat some flimsy tilapia. I mean, it’s Thanksgiving for crying out loud, not Memorial Day. If you think family rolls their eyes at your vegetarianism the other 364 days a year, just wait until Thanksgiving. I remember our first vegetarian Thanksgiving like it was y...

Subject: Furniture quote Part of me wants to believe this is a legit email requesting a quote on a classified ad for furniture. But the rest of me knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a bonkers spam-jam that will try to sell me a recliner. Are my instincts correct? Let's see who this is from. From: Chair OK. Respect Director, Whatever happens though, this is dope. I like this. Respect Director ? Maybe that is not technically my job title right NOW, but it will be when all is said and done, even if I have to agree to a 25-percent pay cut in the process. But it won't even matter because I will immediately turn around and fire my boss on account of that blatant disrespect and give myself a raise out of respect for myself. Any questions? Didn't think so. Now everyone get back to respecting one another, aiiiiight? If you need me, I'll be in my office, a.k.a. the Chamber of Respect. Mad respect, son. We are Chinese chair and sofa factory locate in Foshan,...

Subject: RE:Your Abandoned Package For Delivery Welp, looks like my abandoned package is finally ready for delivery. This is going to sound weird, I know, but I've been waiting for an abandoned package to be delivered to me by my good friend, former mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg. So let me just check who this is from ... From: "Michael Bloomberg." { daan@petrokimia-gresik.com} Word. True story: My friend Michael Bloomberg's email address used to be mbloomberg@nycmayor.gov, but since he left office, he wanted to keep a low profile, so he changed it to daan@petrokimia-gresik.com, which represents a bunch of inside jokes that only me and Michael Bloomberg are privy to. He's actually hilarious, Michael Bloomberg. We LOL.  VERY IMPORTANT NOTIFICATION, Michael Bloomberg. But this sounds serious. What's up, Michael Bloomberg? Is everything OK?  How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? I hope this mail finds you in an excel...

My wife and I do not fight often. We share a similar, oftentimes offensive, sense of humor, and are alike in enough ways to where we’re rarely at odds. When we do fight, however, sheets are almost always involved. And no—we’re not between them. We are either folding them or putting them on the bed. Both of those things are THE WORST, but if I had to pick one that’s worse than the other, I would pick both. Folding the regular bed sheet isn’t so bad. As long as I am standing at a proper distance holding my side tightly, ensuring no wrinkles, and, when it comes time to fold over, I fold in the same direction as my wife, which is something I have to guess at because she doesn’t tell me, and I never guess right. In her defense, if she were to say, “Now fold to the right,” by the time I was able to process whether she is talking about her right or my right, she would have already folded her side and be extremely annoyed that I was still standing there with my mouth open like a fool. F...

Subject: http://www.glendalestar.com/ Sure. http://www.glendalestar.com/ That's me. SZFC International Co. is a factory and trader of color changing mugs located in China. SZFC International Co. needs no introduction. But thank you. What are color changing mugs? Mugs that change color? I'm sorry, that was stupid of me. I hate myself. I don't know. ● To pour in HOT water, the mug changes colors magically ; ● To pour in COLD drink, the mug changes colors magically too. This sounds very complicated. Do you have pictures of this mug magic? What kind of sorcery is happening here? I cannot condone this type of black magic. J/k I would like 10 NesQuik bunny cups to impress my friends. I have to ask though, because according to the documentary Food Inc. , the magic contained in color changing mugs is often toxic cow semen: Are these mugs FDA-approved? With SGS approval, pass FDA. Is that an answer? We are audited by Disney, AVON CPA and Sedex are available. Oh good. The last th...

Subject: SEE THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT‏‏‏‏‏‏‏ Because our fantasy high school girls volleyball commissioner is the WORST, that's why. Good day, Sometimes i do wonder if you are really, really with yourself. Is that you, Plato? Not sure I've ever been hit off with the realness this early on in a spam email. Because you know what? I wonder the same thing sometimes. Am I really with myself? Or am I a dope rapper-turned-actor stuck in the body of a lanky, gray-bearded white man? Also, what is space? How did matter as we know it come to ex- How could you keep trusting people and at the end you will loose your hard earned money, or are you being deceived by their big names? Indeed there are few bigger names than Gen. D. Rubben Brett and the Rev. Al Green John Anderson , so you can't really blame me for being easily deceived. Their game plan is only just to extort your hard earned money. Now, the question is how long will you continue to be d...