So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Fwd: This is a forward about nothing. From: News This is an email FROM news about  news and/or nothing. It's like I'm looking in a mirror of me looking in a mirror only it's a dream but the dream is Conception but actually it was Momento only to find out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. News [news-58@realestatepronews.com] Real estate news is my favorite kind of news because it's very relevant to my life. What are the latest real estate trends? Is it a buyer's market or a farmer's market? Are interest rates something? Can I trust an agent who DOESN'T drive an absurd vehicle covered in real estate jargon? Does that house come with a dishwasher? When I have questions such as these, I don't actively research the answers myself, but instead wait to get an email from a pro in the field. Anyway, what is the news? Freak space rock spins dusty trail ... ... ... ... ... wtf The Hubble telescope has spotted an asteroid ...

Subject: ????? ?? ???? [???? ???? ??] Translation: "WHAAAAAAAA? [By the way, WHAAAAAAAA?]" I'm sure this will make more sense when I open it. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم الأخ / Buddy حفظه الله السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته نود أخبارك بأن صديقك: It's like someone is speaking to me in dots and Arabic, but stops in the middle to call me buddy. I like this email. It is my favorite email. Exact blueprints and videos in making the Hendershot Generator are provided so you can follow and make your own Hendershot Generator more convenient http://hendershotgenerator.de.pn Oh cool thanks, this website will make it a lot more convenient for me to build my Hendershot Generator. To this point the only thing stopping me from building a Hendershot Generator from scratch was lack of convenience. One time I built a generator from LEGOs, and by generator I mean house, and by LEGOs I mean crayons. And by built I mean drew. Click Here The fir...

You may or may not recall, but my other venture aside from writing super important prose about things like changing the batteries in my smoke detectors is making fun of spam emails on my blog. The Lord’s work, I know, but I am not a hero. I am just a man. One of my favorite things is when people send me their spam emails to write up. It makes me feel like “Dear Abby,” except that instead of solving people’s familial/emotional problems through great insight, I am recycling garbage on a blog that at least 10 people know/care about. One of those 10 people is my mom who, believe it or not, also occasionally sends me her spam emails to write up. I have no doubt she tells all of her coworkers to forward her spam emails so she can send them to her son who makes fun of them on his blog. “You must be so proud,” they say to her, although my mom does not detect the sarcasm and responds, “I am, I am. Now I know it was worth it to go back to school myself so that I could get my nursing ...

SO TRUE SO TRUE TELL ME A FUNNY JOKE HUNCHBACK LADY HOLDING A MOP Mop lady : DERP DON'T GET IT TRY AGAIN Mop lady : / urinates on floor / OOPSIE YO, YOU AIIIIGHT LADY? USE THE MOP FOR THAT DANG Mop lady : KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE YO? Mop lady : MY NECK YOUR NECK WHO Mop lady : JUST KIDDING I DON'T HAVE A NECK THAT'S THE JOKE LOL I HAD A TERRIBLE DAY THAT JOKE MADE IT ALL GO AWAY YOUR NECK IS HANGIN' OUT WITH YOUR CHIN IN THE BAHAMAS OR SOMETHIN' Mop lady : IT'S ONLY FUNNY IF I SAY IT A$$HOLE OH MY BAD Mop lady : DID YA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE ASIAN AND THE BLACK GUY AND THE HOOKER YO HOLD UP THAT DOESN'T SOUND RI-- Mop lady : THE BLACK GUY LIKES MY BUTT AND THE ASIAN GUY HAD A SMALL PENIS THAT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU STEPPED OVER THE LINE HUNCHBACK MOP LADY Mop lady : WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THE WHOLE PLANE OUT OF THE BLACK BOX I'M OUT, YO

BOUT TO LET GO OF THIS HEART-SHAPED BALLOON BALLOONS MAKE ME SAD :( OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD ARE CANDY AND PONIES BESIDES I ASKED THAT DANG CLOWN FOR THE FACE OF WALTER WHITE NOT A HEART DUMBASS SORRY FOR THE TYPO BUT IT'S HARD TO PROOFREAD SOMETHING WITH THIS MANY WORDS - DAILY DOSE OH ALSO THE BALLOON IS A METAPHOR SOMETHIN' BE MAKIN' YOU SAD JUST LET IT GO DOG DIED? LET THAT SH*T GO, YO IT'S THAT EASY STOP HOLDING ON TO YOUR DOG'S DEATH, JUST SEND IT INTO THE CLOUDS /RELEASES WORLD POVERTY INTO SKY/ SEE? AIN'T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT THAT NO MORE FOLLOW MY LEAD, AFRICA THROW 'DEM HUNGER PANGS UP INTO DA AIR/LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE BOOM, HAPPINESS YOU'RE WELCOME

Subject: Interested in you. /blushing./ I'm Miss  Anna  Tsunmc, i slim in stature above all i like being honesty,trusted, sincere. Whoa, whoa, hold up, Miss Anna Tslssmncc. Hold up. All of those things you said? Is everything I am, too! I also like being honesty and am slim in stature. Hashtag destiny. I have gone through your contact mail today, You WHAT? I thought you like being trusted? J/k that is cool, whatevs. it interest me to know you more, and I hope to use this opportunity to explain myself a little about me, Your words … like poetry. Please, go on. am yellow in completion, wtf. You are Marge Simpson? I maybe would have started with a different physical characteristic and then gently delved into the fact that you are yellow, i.e. “I have super big boobs and long hair and a nice butt and I like to make sex a lot also I have yellow skin no big deal .” I guess it’s possible “completion” is not a typo but that you completed y...

Dear smoke alarm company: Two years ago I wrote what could have been considered an open letter regarding your product line. In the months since I have seen no improvement, only regression. Here is another letter because I hate you. We recently had guests visit our home, guests who included two boys, 2 and 5 years old. As they slept—as we all slept—at around 3 a.m. I was greeted with the all-too-familiar sound of “Beep … … … … … … beep … … … … … … beep.” The Arizona weather had dipped below freezing, which is to say it had plummeted to an overnight low of 60 degrees, making it an absurd 73 degrees inside our home. As such, the extreme cold had drained the battery on one of our smoke alarms—one of your smoke alarms. I jumped out of bed in a panic and ran to the hallway to try and determine from which of our 28 smoke detectors the beep was coming. Luckily for me, the beep was not coming from the room where our guests’ boys were sleeping. (Lucky for you, too, because...

DANG YO CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD BE A MIME OR A CLOWN THING IS I REALLY WANT TO BE A CPA ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, STEVE THE CLOWN GUY TRYING TO GET SOME GUIDANCE OUT IN THIS BARREN FIELD /HONKS NOSE/ IS ANYBODY THERE? Voice from Heaven : You must make a "choice" ( voice makes air quotes ) to take a "chance" or your life will never "change," clown Steve. YOU'RE RIGHT, YO Voice from Heaven : Sorry for the delay, clown Steve. Didn't recognize you in your pea coat and jeans. THAT'S AIIIIIGHT, YO, FRIDAY IS DRESS DOWN DAY IMMA JUST EAT THIS APPLE OFF THIS WEIRD TREE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS /EATS APPLE/ /TURNS INTO FIRST SUCCESSFUL CLOWN CPA/

Subject: To:Air Purification ,,,13,000 hrs UV Lights,,,Amalgam Lights & Electronic Ballasts In my mind I am picturing a man standing on a table in the middle of a crowded bar, glass in hand and raised to the sky, screaming, "To air purification! ( crowd screams in delight ) ... To 13,000 hours of UV lights! ( crowd a little bit less enthused ) ... To amalgam lights and electronic ballasts!" ( crowd is like, "Alright hold up, now that's going too far." ) (Also in my mind, three commas = ellipses.) Dear Purchasing Manager to Air Purification Company, Close. This is Gina from CREATOR UV & IR Lighting Co.,Ltd. in Guangzhou. Hi Gina in Guangzhou! It turns out "Gina" is the third most popular name in the sub-provincial Chinese city of Guangzhou, so everything here checks out. CREATOR Lighting has participated in Exhibition of AHR EXPO in USA  for three consecutive times. Indeed your reputation precedes you, CREATOR Lighting. I was a gue...

OH SNAP THIS VAGINAL BIRTH REENACTMENT HAS REALLY PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE HOW MANY DELS (UNITS) OF PAIN IS IT WHEN YOU GIVE BIRTH TO A 2-YEAR-OLD BOY? MAD DELS, YO GRAB HIM BY THE EYEBROWS DOC AND PULL HIM OUT OF THE VAGINA, IS HOW YOU DO IT THEN CUT THE CORD AND SEND HIM TO GREAT CLIPS THIS MEME BE LIKE, "HUMANS CAN ONLY HANDLE 45 PAIN UNITS. BUT HOLD UP, BECAUSE HUMANS CAN HANDLE 57 PAIN UNITS, MY BAD. FEEL THE LOVE" I FRACTURED 20 BONES JUST LOOKING AT THIS MEME, FOR REAL IS THIS SCIENTIFIC CHART DRAWN TO SCALE? DOC'S HANDS BE LOOKING LIKE DOOGIE HOWSER COMPARED TO MOM'S LEG, JUST SAYIN I NEVER THOUGHT MOTHERS LOVED UNTIL THIS MEME GUESS NOBODY EVER SHOWED ME AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF VAGINAL PAIN NOW I KNOW NOW I KNOW HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY OR CHRISTMAS WHATEVS

I had to venture into our family’s fireproof box of priceless valuables for something recently, and got distracted by its contents. Our daughters’ birth certificates. Detailed instructions written out by my father-in-law about how to access his safe deposit box at the bank if he “doesn’t survive Obama’s presidency” that include various passwords and a minuscule key that seems custom made for a dollhouse. An encased Michael Jordan basketball card that I had planned to retire on but, at last search, was literally worth less than the fireproof box in which it resides. My passport. I opened my passport book, humored by the idea that I once harbored dreams of traveling the globe. I had obtained a passport solely for our honeymoon to Barbados, a trip that took place almost 10 years ago. Its lack of cool travel stamps confirmed that I had not stepped off North American soil since. Also, I noticed, it was set to expire in two months. I needed to renew my passport, and I was probably alr...