So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

The following is an update re: this .

Subject: FW: Franchise Your Business! Okay! Quick question: what if I don't have one? Thank you for speaking with me today. I did not! You're welcome! Per our conversation, We didn't have one! Everything you're about to say is a lie! I'm all ears! here is some information about how you can franchise your business. Do you have any information about starting a business? We will be pleased to speak with you further, Or: a first time. and answer any questions you may have. I have lots of questions. Why are you doing this to me? is one of my questions. Thanks for your interest in I expressed no interest. AdvantaFran Franchise Consulting services. ADVANTAFRAN FRANCHISING??? OMG that is a terrible name. Sincerely, Rose Baca Why the hell isn't your name Fran, Rose? Also, I have another question. Do you have a picture of what it's like, emotionally, to franchise your business? Cool! I JUST FRANCHISED MY BUSINESS WHERE'...

There were no windows near the cubicle-type area at which I used to reside here at the newspaper. Feeling somewhat suffocated, I would often make up goofy reasons to venture outside for a minute or two like, “I better recycle this post-it note,” or, “I should take this personal pretend call on my cell phone outside.” Well, you know what they say—write enough columns about your colon and daughter and eventually you’ll get promoted at the weekly community newspaper you work at, as long as you also do more productive things with your time than write about nonsense. And that is what happened to me. Keep dreaming, kids, and you, too, can be whatever title they gave me. Not only did I get an office, but the office has a window. The importance of this did not dawn on me when I was setting up the office by tangling myself in computer wires. But now that I’ve been settled in for months, I have developed a great appreciation for this specific window and also windows in general. The best pa...

Subject: Wall clock Supply???????? Hmmm, excellent question. How IS my wall clock supply? Looks around . I have no wall clocks. Dear Sir or Madam, May I distinguish myself as the former. Honestly, it's my fault that my email address isn't more gender specific. To recap, I am MAN who is VERY interested in wall clocks. We are factory specializing in the manufacture and export of wall clock. That must be a pretty awesome wall clock if it takes an entire factory to produce. I am not sure if I have a wall to accommodate such a behemoth of a wall clock. Nevermind, I will make room. Also, I bet your favorite song is Sister Sledge's "We Are Factory." We are factory We have wall clock to export We are factory Get up sir or madam, purchase We have profuse designs with series quality grade. I expect nothing less in a line of wall clocks. Nevertheless, good to know. Nobody wants to look at a wall clock and not be lured in by its exuberantly plentiful design...

My parents have experienced a lot of milestones lately. This has been an interesting thing to witness because my parents were always younger than the parents of my friends growing up. They were high school sweethearts like Jack and Diane, except for all the other terrible stuff in that song, like that part about suckin’ on chili dogs, which is the worst phrase I have ever heard. My mom had my older sister when she was … 22? 23? I forget how old my sister is. My mom turned 60 last year. We had a big party and everything, albeit three months after her actual birthday because we couldn’t get our crap together. Also, I was not even there because I live in Arizona and couldn’t really afford to fly there. I did, however, send money for the alcohol, so I was kind of the hero of the party when you really think about it. Then my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage in February. This was an extra special deal because I’m pretty certain my sisters and I did nothing for them on their 25th...

Subject: [WARNING: VIRUS REMOVED] THE WESTERN UNION TRANSFER OMG YOU GUYS THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE THANKFULLY SOMEONE MAYBE IT WAS MACGYVER REMOVED A VIRUS FROM THIS EMAIL ABOUT THE WESTERN UNION TRANSFER I DIDN'T MAKE I VE JUST COME FROM WESTERN UNION AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED THAT WAS A JOKE AND HERE IS A SCANNED PHOTO FROM THE TRANSFER MTCN THAT IS NOT A WORD OR ANYTHING RESEMBLING A THING I UNDERSTAND. THE ATTACHMENT ON THIS EMAIL READS "Removed Attachment.txt (362 B)" AND THERE IS NO ATTACHMENT BUT MAYBE THAT IS GOOD BECAUSE 362 BIGABYTES? IS TOO BIG FOR MY COMPUTER MTCN : 6255579485 THIS INFORMATION IS HELPFUL HOLD ON LET ME PRINT OUT THIS EMAIL AND HIGHLIGHT THIS FAKE TRANSACTION NUMBER IN CASE I NEED IT FOR MY MONEY HELLO SIR I'M HERE TO PICK UP THE MONEY TRANSFERRED TO ME FROM THAT EMAIL ABOUT THE THING "I'm sorry, sir, I'm going to need you to be more specific, and also please stop yelling." I HAVE A MTCN THINGEE SEE RIGHT H...

I picked my daughter up at school last week and the first thing I saw was a note attached to her file. As you may recall , these notes are almost always bad news. A paper in the file means a) your daughter hit someone, so please sign in case we get sued, b) your daughter fell off the slide on her head and now has a bruised forehead, please sign so you don’t sue us, or c) our rates are going up, please sign and pay us now (also, your daughter hit someone, please sign the second line). This note, however, was different. I opened it to reveal the words, “Dear Mr. Kenny, Congratulations! Your family has been selected as our Family of the Month!” This was very exciting. Our family has never been selected as anything of the month before. It has been a struggle to get along in life without ever being formally acknowledged as better than other families. In fact, whenever our residential development hosts some seasonal function and are there taking pictures, I always fantasize that our fami...

Subject:   WEDDING DJ NEEDED! As publications manager for two community weekly newspapers, you'd be surprised how many solicitations I receive re: wedding DJ. I receive zero. Until today. Full disclosure: I actually do own two turntables at my home. I used to DJ parties in college. By "DJ parties" I mean I would play records at parties until I got drunk and then whatever would happen and I'd wake up the next day and be like, "Where's all my record stuff?" and I'd spend the rest of the day trying to piece together the night and locate my stuff and eventually I'd find it except a lot of records were missing and somebody (me) barfed on the turntables. Also, my name was "DJ Pinfinger" -- I'm being completely serious right now -- because I broke my finger playing basketball and the doctor inserted a pin into my finger to straighten it. College was the best. To relive this nostalgia, my wife bought me a set of turntables for my birthd...

Before the holidays we took our daughter to see “Annie” at Arizona Broadway Theatre. It has been nothing but Annie ever since. It was my wife’s idea, and admittedly it seemed like a good one at the time. After all, “Annie” is a timeless story, and considering our daughter is adopted, we knew it would strike a chord with us as well. It got a little misty in there watching my daughter watch Annie find her forever home. Now I want to cry for different reasons. It was her first show and she barely made it through. It was a huge risk to take a 3-year-old to something that has an intermission, but she somehow pulled it off, even if she could barely keep her eyes open at the end. Because of that, we rushed out of the theater and inadvertently became the first patrons to meet the cast. Yes, immediately after the show our daughter met Annie herself. It was the best and worst thing that has ever happened. There is not enough Annie in the world to appease her. She knows all the songs and si...