So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Being an esteemed member of the “media,” I have access to many of today’s most popular athletes. Unfortunately, my “access” is usually limited to me watching them on TV. So in order to get integral information about these athletes to you (the reader), I often have to resort to improvising. For example, instead of having an actual sit-down, one-on-one interview with Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez, I have to simply make up what I THINK he would say regarding several important topics. This is called “journalism,” except, not really. Regardless, my exclusive interview will commence…NOW! Me: Hey there, Alex! Why don’t you have a seat… A-Rod: There aren’t any chairs in here. Me: Great. So, Alex — two years ago, you’re playing with the Texas Rangers, en route to winning the AL MVP. You’re widely considered THE best all-around player in the game. Today, you’re on the Yankees, and everybody hates your guts. Does this feel good, or bad? A-Rod: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t really say tha...

Writing is a strange beast, so I’ve come to learn. I’ve made some pretty big strides in my attempt to make writing a career. Two years ago, I was mired in a job at a healthcare company, with only pipe dreams of having my own column someday. Now, I DO have my own column (with a headshot and everything!) for a local New Jersey weekly newspaper. However, my dream of drawing an actual income from writing has been thwarted by a) the fact that my actual job at the newspaper is that of circulation manager — my column is merely a benefit of me working there, and b) the fact that nobody reads the paper I write for. Well, at least nobody who can remember what they ate for lunch. The newspaper of which I am employed has been around for fifty years, and its loyal readers range in age from 85 to deceased. In fact, it is part of my job to field the various phone calls from 97 year-old women who did not get the paper that week (I blame it on the Post Office, always), and who are, apparently, in dire ...

There are certain things that you start to do as you get older. For example, you inadvertently become much less hesitant to waltz around the gym locker room naked, which often leads to sports-related conversations with other naked people. You start waking up earlier on the weekends to do weird things like “build a birdhouse,” and you begin watching “the news” at 6 o’clock instead of reruns of “Charles in Charge.” This is all normal, so I’m told. But one of the great parts about getting older is the inherent and ever-increasing appreciation for the game of golf, which, like random back spasms, only comes with age. Now, I don’t consider myself a veteran of the aging process (I’m just 26), but as a kid, I was all about the big three — baseball, basketball, and football. And I still am, for the most part. But I married into a golf-playing family (my wife and mother-in-law being the only non-golfers), and after initially shunning their love for such a pointless activity, I slowly began to a...

For reasons that I will not delve into, I will have some spending money coming my way soon (let’s just say that I overestimated the cost of my last dentist’s appointment…I’ve been flossing, and it shows). Whenever this rarest of occasion occurs, instead of saving the extra money, like a more financially-sound person would do, I prefer to immediately spend it on various luxury items, such as a nice mouse pad, or a popular Old Navy “graphic” t-shirt that indicates I have been to a fun place that doesn’t really exist, like “Big Bill’s Rodeo Circus, in Houston, Texas.” But since I have more money coming in the near future than maybe ever before, I’m thinking big time. I may get an iPod. If the “technology age” were a party, I’m still not there, because I got lost, and because I was never invited. I am only familiar with the iPod for two reasons: 1) I live close enough to New York to know that every trendsetting wannabe who is really from New Jersey has one, and 2) those catchy iPod commerc...

We’re traveling into uncharted waters here. For the first time in 86 years, the Boston Red Sox are the defending World Series champions, and the Yankees are the ones in a drought, if you can even call it that, which you can, because I just did. It’s only been five years, but I’m mighty thirsty, especially considering the fact that it felt like I was swallowing sandpaper when the Red Sox won Game Seven of the ALCS, and then went on to win the whole thing. I have a very bad taste in my mouth, and it’s not from the cockroaches I had to eat for the pilot episode of “Fear Factor: Non-Twin Wannabe Writers.” (Coming this summer!) It’s the taste of defeat, and I need to wash it out with the sweetness of victory champagne. Hopefully, that can happen this year, with the Yankees bringing the glory back to the Bronx, and then inviting me into the clubhouse to drink that victory champagne with them. That’s really all I’m asking. Anyway, before I went on that rambling tangent, I was talking about ho...