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Pat Perry, 1991 Score Oftentimes the backs of baseball cards tend to glorify their subject, regardless of that subject’s talents. This technique is reminiscent of those NFL Films pieces that aim to put a positive spin on an 8-8 Cincinnati Bengals season in which half of the roster went to jail by highlighting that one quarter of decent play that will signify next season’s turnaround. In fact, it’s typically these arbitrary stats for mediocre players that I tend to highlight and make light of on this here blog. Because I am a jerkface with nothing better to do. Anyhoo… Enter: Pat Perry. Nobody here has ever heard of Pat Perry, correct? Correct. So he’s probably not great. But still a major leaguer. His baseball card should highlight his positive attributes. Let us begin: Pat, a soft-throwing southpaw middle reliever, So far? Not impressed. has suffered a lot of baseball rejection in his 13-year professional career. This is not a good start. However, I look forward to hearing about how P...

Note: This column appears in the 4/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/1 issue of the Peoria Times I’d like to take this time to extend my deepest apologies for every eye roll tossed in the direction of any parent whose kids were not behaving quite perfectly in church. Now, granted, many of these eye rolls were completely and totally justified. I mean, hey -– at what point are you going to remove your crying child from the premises? After the homily is over? Before the next Mass begins? And your other kid has been staring at me for the past twenty minutes. I am out of funny faces and this entire situation has become awkward. Also, Poly-O string cheese in church? Really? Is that necessary? What I am apologizing for is any annoyance I may have felt for any child not sitting completely still, with his or her hands held together in prayer, pensively contemplating the true meaning behind the Sacraments. I say this because –- I think you can see where this is going –- I am now on the oth...

Fred McGriff, 1990 SI for Kids Hello everyone. I present to you another installment in our Cards From Sports Illustrated For Kids series. Featured today is Toronto Blue Jays’ first baseman Fred McGriff, seen here holding not one, not two, but three baseball bats. He can barely get his hands around all those bats! The crowd in the background stands in delight and amazement at how many bats Fred McGriff can hold at one time. I wonder if there are enough bats for the other members of the Toronto Blue Jays. Ha, ha. Lol. Omg. I would like to see Fred McGriff swing all three bats at once and hit a beach ball into outer space! What? Let us discover additional information: In 1981, major league baseball teams drafted 232 players ahead of Fred. Frowny face: :( In 1989, he led the American league in home runs, with 36! Somehow I knew that this long and drawn-out story would have a happy ending! Exclamation points all around! More!!! 36! Pizza party! Equally important to all of the enjoyment we ...

Note: This column appears in the 4/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/24 issue of the Peoria Times The city of Glendale is -- like many other cities in the Valley and in the country for that matter -- working to resolve a budget crisis. Thankfully, help is on the way. In the form of two giant digital billboards. The city has agreed to construct two billboards along the Loop 101 with the hopes of using the advertising profits to help offset the current budget deficit. The first billboard will read, in giant letters: What deficit? The second billboard will read: Buy stuff now. Experts predict that, as a result, Glendale will have a surplus of three million dollars by August, which will be used to purchase a third billboard. And so on and so forth. Of course, these are jokes to lighten the overall mood here, which is grim. But not anymore. Because the truth is that the city stands to make a very decent amount of money from these giant thingies. In fact, apparently Glendale will make...

Tony Gwynn, 1989 K-Mart / Topps Dream Team If I had to make a list of baseball cards that I am most proud to own, this one would not be on the list. It looks like it came with two scoops of ice cream and a balloon. And let me tell you something else about this card that probably does not transfer well over this here Internet. It is glossy. And I mean glossy . There is like, two inches of gloss on this card. It repels all other forms of matter, which immediately slide off of its surface. If this card were carelessly left on a suburban street, and someone rode their bike over it, that person would incur serious bodily injury as a result. Because of the gloss. Anyway, in 1989, Kmart -- famed orchestrator of the 1992 U.S. Olympic basketball team –- organized a predecessor to that dominating Dream Team. This particular Dream Team included Tony Gwynn, seen here about to demonstrate his dreaminess by batting one handed. The other members of this Dream Team and their schedule of games and the ...

Note: This column appears in the 4/16 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 4/17 issue of the Peoria Times It was a Friday morning not too long ago and my wife and I were looking forward to celebrating our five-year anniversary. We were going to a restaurant called True Food in the Biltmore section of Phoenix that evening, and we were going to have a romantic dinner. A few hours into the day, I received a phone call from our agency. They had a foster placement for us. Now, we had said “yes” to several foster placements since our first and only one back in January, but had never received follow-up from the state, and they have the last say on which family will get which placement. That, combined with the slowing stream of foster kids in general thanks to statewide budget cuts had us wondering if we’d ever get a second chance to be foster parents. So we said “yes,” and then went about our day, not expecting to hear anything else. This time however, the state called. They wanted to confirm...

Joe Carter, 1992 Score Textbook weight shift. When Joe Carter wasn’t breaking both kneecaps by being awkwardly out in front of a changeup, he could often be found at the ballpark, NOT being a World Series hero , or just generally whacking some balls around: Joe returned to the American League in ’91 and whacked the ball around as if he had never been away. Joe Carter: whackerer of American League balls. Nothing wrong with that. I also enjoy the “as if he had never been away” statement, as if Joe Carter had interrupted his major league career by spending several summers interning at a law firm, thus forcing many to believe he had lost his innate ability to whack around some balls. He was in San Diego! He whacked 24 dingers! But when we speak of Joe Carter, let us never forget to ultimately judge him by how his teammates felt about him. Because that is what’s important here. Not what I think about him. Or what you think about him. (Unless you were his teammate, in which case, email me.)...

Note: This column appears in the 4/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/10 issue of the Peoria Times Forgive me as I’ve had bad experiences with Home Owner’s Associations in the past. Back east we lived in a development where our HOA fees were well over $230…a month. For this we got a) three tennis courts, including one without a net, b) an asphalt basketball court with potholes and c) a pool with questionable water quality which was supervised by a revolving door of aloof teenagers that I wouldn’t trust with my towel, much less my life. When the HOA attempted to raise our fees to over $300 monthly, a near riot ensued at the quarterly meeting, which ultimately resulted in the ousting of the entire board and the uncovering of suspect spending practices. (Side note: those in attendance eagerly nominated my father-in-law -– who didn’t even live in the development and only came on our behalf, but who gave an impromptu Mussolini-type decree to the board while angrily waving a piece of pap...

Randy Kutcher, 1991 Score Without further ado: Randy was a handy guy for the Red Sox to have around in ’90. Blane Lowenbrau, senior writer : Boss, check it out –- got a great lede for the back of the Randy Kutcher card. Fritz Maxwell, managing editor, Score : Lay it on me broskie. Blane : Ahem…”Randy was a handy guy for the Red Sox to have around in ’90.” Fritz : ... Blane : ... Fritz : ... Blane : ... Fritz : I'm sorry Blane. Can you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention. Blane : "Randy was a handy guy for the Red Sox to have around in '90." Fritz :... Blane :... Fritz :... Blane :... Fritz :... Blane :... Fritz : Remember earlier today, when I said I wasn't paying attention? Well, newsflash dude -- I was paying attention. Just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Love it. But hey, listen, you got the ol' wheels turning, and I want to slide on my creative boots. Try this one on for size: “Randy was a dandy guy for the Red Sox to have around in ’90.” ...

Alex Rodriguez, 2004 Upper Deck World Series Heros edition Webster’s defines “hero” as: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities. (Side note: Woman cannot be heroes. Sorry, Joan of Arc!) Dwight Schrute defines “hero” as: The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Webster’s defines “World Series” as: [the] annual championship of Major League Baseball. Upper Deck defines “World Series Hero” as: a) a man who has never been to the World Series and who, in fact, has forged a reputation –- whether deserved or not -- as being unable to reach the World Series based on his very own inability to be a hero during specific situations in which a heroic deed would likely ensure himself and his team a berth in the World Series. b) a man with the innate ability to indirectly ruin a World Series he is not even playing in because his agent d...

Note: This column appears in the 4/2 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/3 issue of the Peoria Times Last week, for the first time ever, my wife and I went to Trader Joe’s . For those unaware, Trader Joe’s is a grocery store that prides itself on selling independently grown and manufactured foods with natural ingredients, as well as other environmentally friendly products. It is essentially a grocery store for hippies. Are we hippies? It’s difficult to say. I often feel that my wife and I are this strange hybrid –- pun intended –- of old-world conservatism and postmodern realism. (Side note: I have no idea what “postmodern realism” means. So please don’t email me.) Our lives are either one big contradiction of ideals or the perfect balance of extremes. For example, we’re vegetarians, but we live in Arizona. We’re Yankees fans, but we love the underdog. We’re indignant at Republican corruption, but not that confident about Democrats. We’re Catholic, but we watch “The Hills.” I think it...

John Henry Lloyd, 1993 Ted Williams Collection Here is another installment of The Negro Leagues series. Previously we discovered that players of this era had awesome nicknames and every team was named the Giants. In this instance we discover that John Henry Lloyd was called “Pop” and that he played for seven different teams called the Giants. But where is our anecdotal evidence of how Pop Lloyd was perceived during his day? A St. Louis sportswriter was once asked who the greatest player in baseball was. Here is how I envisioned this little tidbit playing out: He said, “John Henry Lloyd. No question.” That sportswriter’s name? Franklin Delano Roosevelt. That is not how it played out. “If you mean organized baseball, the answer would be Babe Ruth.” But if you mean silly-slap-boodlekins-fart-ball –- in which the players run around aimlessly wearing helicopter beanies and the bases are pepperoni pizzas -– then the answer would be John Henry Lloyd. Also: Babe Ruth? Thanks for your input, a...

Note: This column appears in the 3/26 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/27 issue of the Peoria Times My wife and I are Catholic. We’ve been attending St. Thomas More in Glendale since we moved here, but never officially signed on to be parishioners. Why? Well, to be honest, we were holding out. For one thing, St. Thomas More is about 35 minutes from our house in Peoria. Plus, the Masses themselves are long, making what’s supposed to be (in our minds) a 50-minute mass an over two-hour-long event. The distance also makes it nearly impossible to attend Mass during the week for any other Holy Days, which we’re rarely aware of anyway. (There are few things more guilt-inducing than when either of us call our saintly mothers back home only to find that they just returned back from Mass because today is, after all, the Feast of Saint Agnes of Bohemia, yet we are home watching American Idol.) So while we attended Mass each week, we were all the while waiting for a new Catholic Church to pop...

Alfredo Griffin, 1990 Bowman Bowman remains to this day the worst brand of baseball cards ever made. A 1991 scientific study performed by Dr. Claude Frazzelberry at the University of Wyoming confirmed that the average human being’s enjoyment of the game of baseball dropped 89% after looking at a Bowman baseball card. The Topps Company, threatened by the sheer awesomeness of Upper Deck , responded in 1990 with Bowman, thus appealing to that untapped market of baseball fans without eyes. I would say that this is the most boring baseball card ever, but then somebody could easily show me any other Bowman card from this set, and I would change my mind in two seconds. I mean, hey –- what’s not to like? It’s a picture of a Dodgers player posing! Or maybe it’s a coach. This guy looks like he’s 45, so I am not sure. Where is his name? Oh, at the bottom of the rainbow border? Let me see…(squinting)…okay, Alfredo Griffin. Glad we figured that out. Anyway, it’s an overcast day at a spring training...

Note: This column appears in the 3/19 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/20 issue of the Peoria Times Shortly after we moved to Arizona and got settled into our house, it came time to have our backyard done. Because this was really our first house, and because we were largely unfamiliar with the local landscape, we admittedly were pretty clueless. We received a landscaping reference, met with him, and decided to go with him. He seemed to know what he was talking about, and he promised my wife a lemon tree, the one thing we knew we wanted. Maybe a month or two after our backyard was complete, we noticed that many of the plants the guy had installed had died. He also neglected to inform us how to properly care for a lemon tree, and now we have a lemon tree that produces thorns and lemon-scented leaves. I called him about this situation, left a zillion messages, but he would never answer or return my calls. This went on for weeks. One day I called from a different line and finally got a...

Vince Coleman, 1990 Topps If you were a kid in 1990 and you were opening up a fresh pack of new baseball cards and you saw this very card, you would initially think it was a regular ol' card. Until, that is, your eyes led you down to the aesthetically marvelous “Record Breaker 89” insignia. Then you would know you had a “Record Breaker” card on your hands. Your heart would skip a beat and your palms would become sweaty. Your friends would ask, “What’d you get?” and you’d nervously stutter, “Nothing!” as you carefully placed your “Record Breaker” card to the back of the pack, knowing that when you got home you would immediately place it in the finest hard plastic case that you had. You would be well on your way to becoming a record breaker in the realm of having “Record Breaker” baseball cards. The only thing that would possibly make this scenario better is if you turned the card over and it read like an “Extra, extra!” newspaper clipping with regards to said record: Vincent Van Go ...

Note: This column appears in the 3/12 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/13 issue of the Peoria Times It’s not breaking news that we’re all living through some tough economic times. It’s one thing however to acknowledge this fact and quite another to experience its effects firsthand. Over a month ago I wrote about our first experience as foster parents , and I mentioned our anticipation of receiving another placement. Well, we’re still waiting. Last week we found out why. Governor Jan Brewer recently signed legislation with regards to revised budget cuts for the state. In short, due to the current economic circumstances, the state is cutting back on social service funding. Drastically. You may not have heard about this, with all of the economic attention focused on foreclosures, struggling investment firms, and the fact that Manny Ramirez is finally (whew!) signed. But what does this mean, exactly? What it means is this: Children in need are a drain on the local economy. The state h...

Charles Smith, 1998 NBA Hoops Here is yet another installment of our “NBA Hoops cards that are awesome and have fascinating yet largely nonsensical tidbits on the back that sound like they were written by a drunken beat-poet from the East Village.” Today’s feature: Charles Smith. O.K., Let the awesomeness immediately begin with an abbreviated form of the lengthy and popular term “okay,” which often goes by the alias “OK.” In this case, NBA Hoops has chosen to abbreviate the original Latin form of the word, which is Okalay Kadokalay, always capitalized as it was an ancient term of acknowledgment towards royalty. your name’s been in the NBA a few times, Certainly, it has. Including the Charles Smith in question right here, the name Charles Smith has been in the NBA, quite literally, a few times. Of course, that is assuming we are talking about NBA players specifically, and not executives, team personnel, and other human beings that could be described as being “in the NBA.” (Editor’s no...

Note: This column appears in the 3/5 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/6 issue of the Peoria Times Those who had arrived at the ballpark early Sunday morning thought the gates were supposed to open at 10am. Others thought it was 11am. Crowds gathered near the entrance gates and the lines extended back into the parking lot as eleven o’clock turned into 11:30. Nobody wanted to wait any longer to experience the opening of the new Camelback Ranch ballpark in Glendale, and people were getting antsy. When the gates finally opened just before noon, and those who had waited were immediately greeted by beer vendors, program-pushers, and the smells of spring baseball, all was forgiven. Minus a few minor hiccups to be expected from a ballpark opening for the first time, the new spring training home of the Los Angeles Dodgers and Chicago White Sox opened without a hitch, and to much fanfare. What the fans –- 11,000 of them, give or take –- got to see was the brand new state-of-the-art facility ...

Al Pedrique, 1989 Score Al, a slick-fielding shortstop who can hit the ball in the gap… I love scouting reports. Al Pedrique can hit a baseball into the gap, which is to say that Al Pedrique can occasionally hit a baseball in the area of the outfield where the outfielders are not standing. This is a skill that is unique to Al Pedrique, and should be mentioned. …spent time at both Triple-A Buffalo and the Pirates in 1988. At both, he provided a sure glove. In his Buffalo stay, he also gave the Bisons an active bat as he hit .307 in 61 games. The Pirates, unfortunately, were not equal beneficiaries of that same hot, active, Bisonesque Pedrique bat. Although, it should be reiterated that his glove remained sure, and for that the Pittsburgh Pirates organization is forever grateful. In ’87 he was a non-roster invitee to the Mets spring training camp. He made the team but was sent to the minors in May and then traded to the Pirates. The timeline of this biographical tidbit is all over the p...