Friday, January 27, 2017

The Catholic fault

Normally this is a blog for silly, lighthearted stuff. Normally I avoid getting political. These, however, are not normal times, so here goes.

It has always frustrated me to no end how conservative political ideology hijacked Christianity to the point where the two have become synonymous; that a Catholic or Christian would vote for a candidate simply on the grounds that he or she is Republican is maddening, a disservice to the democratic process, an indictment of the already absurd two-party system, and, most importantly, a betrayal of the careful considerations our faith demands.

This political season, my family sat through several Catholic homilies that, “without getting political,” less than subtly encouraged a particular presidential vote based on one issue—abortion. (Some homilies we didn't sit through, and would never sit through, lacked all subtlety.) A tremendously serious issue without doubt; however, an issue with layers upon layers of complexities, including but not limited to a) its historic emergence as a political tool rather than a sincere social cause; b) the notion that a singular man—a man with not only a storied history of broken promises, but a man who formerly, clearly identified himself as "pro choice," no less—would stop it in its tracks; c) and a designation of “pro life” that can, with regard to its contrast with other social issues, be more accurately described as "pro birth." (It’s important to note I am anti-abortion. Aren’t we all? Is anyone ever for this act, including those who’ve made the heart-wrenching decision to endure it?) So either through the lens of a singular, complex issue, or simply because he’s Republican, a wide swath of Christians voted for the most blatantly un-Christian president in our nation’s history. So much so that those very Christians comprise the base to which this man frequently appeals. (We can strip away all religious references and label him the most indecent president as well, whatever your preference. Furthermore, it might be noted here that describing him as indecent or awful does not mean I hate him; I do not, and I continue to, as fruitless as it may seem, pray for him to change. My empathy for his sadness disguised as hateful arrogance does not mean I accept him as leader of the free world.)

Now at Mass, during the prayers of intercession, we hear conflicting requests back-to-back—to pray for the spiritual guidance of our nation’s leaders and, next, to pray for the equality of all people regardless of race, gender, or refugee status. Next, to pray for the caretaking of God’s beautiful Earth. NEXT, to pray for peace. Essentially we're asked to pray that the very platforms on which this man based his candidacy—a candidacy unofficially "endorsed" by many church leaders and even more church goers—might just, poof, change, in the face of the obvious fact that these stances have only been emboldened since he's been elected. I would find this comical were there any more room for comedy in this sobering rendition of reality.

It is our task as Christians to preach the Gospel through our lives; however, those on the other side, those who are justifiably skeptical to begin with, those whom we seek to convert and influence, perceive Christians as closely aligned with a man who, among countless unrepentant characteristics, proudly brags about grabbing pussies. It’s an uphill battle to say the least.

Thankfully, there are Catholic/Christian leaders out there who remind us all what it means to be truly Christian. Ronald Rolheiser (our greatest modern spiritual thinker, IMO), Father James Martin, and the Pope himself, for example. I wish they blended into the larger context of perceived Christian ideology, but unfortunately they merely, seemingly, serve as breaths of fresh air in an otherwise toxic climate (figuratively speaking, but soon to be literal).

God works in mysterious ways indeed, and maybe our nation’s current dilemma will allow us to reconsider entirely the processes and mechanisms that brought us here. That is my prayer of intercession now.

I post below Father Martin’s video regarding immigration as a reminder of what we try to practice, what we believe as Catholics. May we be guided by voices like his, voices of hope and compassion that echo the Gospel, and not voices of fear and contradiction that echo personal and political agendas.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Facebook meme of the week


SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE MINION

YOU MAKE MIS-    TAKES?

NAH FAM

DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF YOU'RE JUST A MINION

YOU TELL IT LIKE IT IS

WHO ELSE IS FEELIN' THIS DOPE MEME


WANDA IS FEELIN' IN


GAIL IS DEF FEELIN' IT

WHO DIS

PERSON ON OTHER LINE: MEME SURVEY HOTLINE

WUT

MEME SURVEY HOTLINE: WE SEE FROM YOUR PROFILE THAT YOU JUST VIEWED A DOPE MINION MEME - CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE USING ONLY ONE-SYLLABLE WORDS

STRAIGHT

MEME SURVEY HOTLINE: THANK YOU. NOW WOULD YOU VENTURE TO SAY DAMN STRAIGHT OR JUST STRAIGHT

STRAIGHT. HEAR MUCH, DAMN

MEME SURVEY HOTLINE: GOT IT, WOW YOU REALLY TELL IT LIKE IT IS

GAIL. LAW. OUT. (hangs up)

WHO ELSE IS FEELIN' IT


SONNY GOODE CAN RELATE, BEST BELEEEE-DAT



SONNY GOODE: PROUD AMERICAN BUT ALSO KINDA TIRED


PREACH YVONNE

THE ONLY PROPER RESPONSE TO THIS MINION MEME IS TO REAFFIRM IT BY ALMOST QUOTING O-TOWN


"AND THE AWARD FOR BEST SELF-AFFIRMING INTERNET MINION MEME GOES TO ..."

(MARIANNE GOENS CLUTCHES CHEST)


UH


OH JEEZ


IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING


GUYS I THINK WANDA AND MARVIN BROKE UP

A MINION DID THIS

Thursday, January 19, 2017

MSN quick links of the week



MY HOUSEPLANT LOOKS LIKE A PLANT IN THE HOUSE BUT IN THE WILD IT LOOKS LIKE A PLANT



THIS QUESTION MAKES A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS

BUT YES

THERE IS ALSO MOLD ON MY CHILD SOPHIE

SHOULD I BE WORRIED



I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS CRAZY CHEF WHO IS ALWAYS FEUDING WAS INVOLVED IN A CRAZY CHEF FEUD



HI IT’S MIKE CAN YOU TELL ME 50 WAYS TO GIVE MY FINANCES A FRESH START

CPA: UH WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

YOU KNOW … FRESH

CPA: I JUST

FINE CAN YOU GIVE ME LIKE 25 WAYS

CPA: I REALLY DON’T KNOW WH-

UGH ARE YOU EVEN A PROFESSIONAL



JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I HAVE DISSECTED THIS HEADLINE OVER THE COURSE OF THREE GRUELING DAYS AND IT MAKES LESS SENSE THAN WHEN I STARTED



THINK OF MY FINANCES AS OATMEAL

CPA: OH OK SO YOU WANT ME TO PREPARE YOUR FINANCES IN A CRAZY FRESH WAY AS IF I WERE DISCOVERING NEW WAYS TO MAKE OATMEAL

YES

CPA: DOES IT HAVE TO BE CRAZY FRESH OR JUST FRESH

UM JUST FRESH, I DON’T WANT TO BE A DIVA

CPA: OK I THINK I G-

WAIT …

CPA: …

CRAZY FRESH



THIS HOUSE IS PRETTY DOPE BUT IT FEELS LIKE IT’S MISSING SOMETHING

THERE’S A COLD SOULESS EMPTINESS TO IT THAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE AN INDIFFERENT STRUCTURE RATHER THAN A PLACE TO EXPERIENCE LOVE AFFECTION AND LASTING MEMORIES, NO OFFENSE

HAVE YOUR HOUSEPLANTS EVER SPENT TIME IN THE WILD

YES? OK WELL THAT’S NOT IT

WAIT A SECOND I THINK I GOT IT


THIS IS IMPORTANT MUSIC NEWS

HOLD UP WAIT A SECOND



IS THAT



IS THAT MOLD

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Spam email of the week

From: <arias@infomed.sld.cu>
Date: December 23, 2016 at 3:56:38 PM EST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: From Paul

Everything seems on the up and up so far.

From. Paul Ndopu

Tel: 
+27834763647,

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME BELOW MY PRIVATE Email= 
paulndopu4@gmail.com

OK. Can I read this first? Let me read this first.

Dear Friend

We are here with our mother

In anxious times such as these, I don’t require context or a backstory. Just get to the point – are you all there and, if so, is your mother there as well? This is the foundation on which I will base my decision to proceed or nah.

Btw, when this email is made into a movie, I want Morgan Freeman to dramatically narrate this opening line on some “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” type ish.

meanwhile we got your name in our search for a foreign partner who will help us as we and our mother status as refugee cannot allow us to transfer our money.

I think I speak for all of us undisclosed recipients when I say, I understand, and thank you for choosing me exclusively.

Please accept our
apology if this e-mail is embarrassing as you don't know us.

Embarrassing is when someone farts in church. This garbage nonsense email elicits feelings of confusion and disgust. So no worries!

My mother and I

We’re not even out of the first paragraph and we’re on the third “mother.” Looks like we got a real motherboy on our hands here.

we are in need of urgent assistance. I the son Paul and my mother

Are you with your mother?

Madam Thokozile and my sister? Miss Miriam Ndopu,

If I ever write a book about spam emails, it will be titled “Is Miss Miriam Ndopu My Sister?” And Other Important Questions I Am Unqualified to Answer. If anyone would like to publish this, holla.

the DOUTHTER of Sir, and Julius Ndopu, of Zimbabwe.

That is one emphatic-ass gross misspelling, but it has left me with the pleasure of imagining the Zimbabwe version of Pearl Jam singing, “Don’t call me DOUTHTER.”

During the current crises against farmers in Zimbabwe and from the support of our president ROBERT MUGABE to claim all the white owned farms in our country. All the white farmers were ordered to surrender their farms to his party members.

I am so tired of whites being oppressed.

Our father Sir Julius Ndopu who was one of the best farmers in our country did not support his idea. And so the party
members invaded my father's farms and burnt everything in the farm, and our father was beaten up by this evil men and made away with a lot of properties in our father's farm company And the tension was so
much on him he was rushed to a SPECIALIT HOSPITAL in South Africa

“Farming got you down? Political parties burning your Caucasian corn crops? Feel like there’s nowhere to turn? There is. Doctors and nurses at the SPECIALIT HOSPITAL FOR FARMER TENSION in South Africa are experts in relieving crop- and political-related strife, as well as injuries sustained during beatdowns by evil farming villains. So if you’re a white farmer with adequate insurance, call us today. You’ll be happy you did.”

along with us and our mother

Hold up, this is the first I’m hearing about your mother.

we move out of Zimbabwe because our lives were in danger. And after much distress our beloved father died
here in South Africa. But before then, our father handed over to our mother

#mother

a proof of deposit slip/Agreement and some documents which was made between him and A VERY RELIABLE FINANCIAL SECURITY COMPANY here in South Africa on which he deposited the sum of $30MILION (THIRTY MILLION
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR)

Sir Julius Ndopu (father): I cannot survive these (cough) significant injuries from being beat up by evil farming men, but (cough) before I go … here … a deposit slip from A VERY RELIABLE FINANCIAL SECURITY COMPANY.

Madam Thokozile (mother): Geez, did you summon all your strength just to yell that?

Father: Yes, this is very important. Also, here are some documents (throws papers on floor). This obviously proves I have deposited $30MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR.

Mother: I just, what? This deposit slip has a picture of a stick figure handing a sack that reads “$30MILL USA” to another stick figure and it’s signed by “very reliable financial security company guy president.”

Father: You must be surprised that I never revealed my legitimate riches. I had my reasons. My reasons were that I wanted it for myself. Sorry/not sorry. (dies)

This money was raised by his farmer's group for the purchasing of farming equipments/machineries before the land dispute Rose.

Rose (Mother’s skeptical friend): So, I don’t get it. Where did he get $30 million to invest in securities?

Mother: This money was raised by his farmer's group for the purchasing of farming equipments/machineries before the land dispute, Rose.

So we decided to make contact with an overseas person,

I’M AN OVERSEAS PERSON

who will assist us
to transfer this money out of South Africa, we want to be there in your country. We are here as refugee and our status don't allow us to stand for the fund for transfer, we will like you to stand as our father's
beneficiary,

I understand completely. Do you think my status as “not your father’s beneficiary” will allow me to stand for the fund transfer?

and with the help of our father's financial attorney this transfer is going to be fast and easy.

Honestly, I don’t get involved in any fiscal transactions that aren’t blessed by a Zimbabwean financial attorney. And fast and easy is how I prefer my fund transfers, women, coffee, and boxed mac n’ cheese.

Note that for your time and help 35% of this fund is yours and 5% of the fund is for any expenses incurred
both locally and internationally in the course of this transfer and the remaining 60% is for our family to start up business in your country with your support.

This is an extremely fair breakdown. Financial attorney much? lol

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME BELOW MY PRIVATE Email= 
paulndopu4@gmail.com

When you reply we will tell you things you need to do.

OK. I am with my mother. Does that matter?

THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU
Mr. Paul and Miss Miriam Ndopu
(FOR THE FAMILY)

FOR THE FAMILY, the new hit CBS sitcom starring Mr. Paul and Miss Miriam Ndopu, premiers this Wednesday!

“Where did all the money for the farming machineries go?”

“I told you, mother - father invested the money in securities before he died.”

“Well what about MY security? Who's gonna plow these crops, ADT? ”

(laugh track)

“(in unison) What now, Rose?”

“I mean, do guys understand even the basic concept of a legal financial transaction?”

“(in unison) Goodbye, Rose! (door slams)”

(laugh track)

CBS Wednesday!