Thursday, December 22, 2016

MSN quick links of the week



BOSS: GUYS I FOUND THE PERFECT STOCK PHOTO FOR THE "BIGGEST PIGS TO ENJOY FRONT PORCHES" ARTICLE I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS, PLEASE MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T GET USED ELSEWHERE

INTERN: SHIT



OMG ATTACKED FOR WHAT

HIS DISLIKE OF THE 2015 SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW

I'LL NEVER KNOW

BIGGEST TAKEAWAY: THE BAND RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS HAS A WIFE



IS THAT BAD




CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE SHOT THE NEIGHBOR FROM HOME ALONE

THE REAL QUESTION IS WHO IS WITHHOLDING THE WORD "HAVE" FROM THIS HEADLINE

YOU JUST GOT SERVED, HISTORYINORBIT

I'M SURE THEY WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN




"HMMM, FEELS LIKE WE WOULD REMEMBER THAT ONE REGARDLESS" -PUBLIC




OK

UNFORTUNATELY WHAT I NEED IS GEENA DAVIS'S DARKENING SCRUB FOR BRIGHT SPOTS

NEVERTHELESS THIS IS A GOOD NEWS ARTICLE THAT I WILL READ WATCH



BOSS: I WANT YOU TO RESEARCH THE WEIRDEST FOOD FACTS IN EVERY STATE

INTERN: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEA-

BOSS: WE WILL SPARE NO EXPENSE, YOUR FIRST CLASS FLIGHT TO WYOMING LEAVES IN 45 MINUTES

INTERN: I JUST ... WHO WILL WATCH MY DOG

BOSS: I HEARD IN WYOMING THEY EAT SKITTLES WITH SPOONS

INTERN: (FRANTICALLY PUTTING ON JACKET)

BOSS: THIS WILL BE YOUR OLD MAN AND THE SEA



(ADDS ELLIPSES TO HEADLINE)

(YOU CLICK)

"WITH YOUR BUTT"

(THERE IS NO ARTICLE, JUST A PICTURE OF A BUTT WITH COOKIE DOUGH ON IT)

(BTW THAT USEFUL CRITIQUE WAS *MY* OLD MAN AND THE SEA)



YA BURNT, COUNCILMAN JAM

LIBRARY CAT WILL OUTLIVE US ALL




WAIT ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN'T PUT A CUTE-ASS SANTA HAT ON A KITTEN AND BRING IT HOME WITHOUT ANY PHYSICAL REPERCUSSIONS

COOL FITNESS ARTICLE, US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT




TIME TO FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL IF MY SUSPICIONS ARE CORRECT AND THIS GENITAL RASH IS BEING CAUSED BY MY HOT WATER HEATER

OR COULD IT BE POSSIBLE THAT MY REFUSAL TO HEED THE WARNINGS OF US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT HAVE RESULTED IN MY CHRISTMAS CAT MAKING ME ITCHY

SEEMS FAR-FETCHED GET IT

LOL

ANYWAY I SET THE CAT FREE

IMMA JUST CHILL COMMITMENT-FREE WITH LIBRARY CAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Friday, December 16, 2016

Spam email of the week

Dear Sir,

Hello there.

This letter is a final warning notice

  • This is an email. 
  • This is the first warning notice. 
  • This is not a warning.

regarding the death of Late Edward (last name withheld),
  • “death of Late” is redundant
  • “Late” need not be capitalized.
  • A last name would be helpful.

wife and only daughter while on holiday at Louisiana USA

Imagine asking someone where they’re spending their family vacation and they respond, “WE’RE GOING ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA.” I put that in CAPS because that’s the only way a person who would ever speak like this would communicate.

in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster.

This email is timely.

According to the laws of England and Wales,

Seems relevant re: Katrina.

section 46 of the Administration of Estates Act of 1925 (with subsequent amendments).

Neither coherent nor a sentence. That said, please don't preach to me about foreign laws of which I am obviously already well aware.

My late client's bank has issued me a Final written notice to provide his next-of-kin within 7 days 

Or 11 years, whichever comes first.

or have his funds declared UNCLAIMED and sent into government treasury.

No one wants that. Especially me, his next of kin.

I have been in charge of managing his properties here in London for a long time. There were some of his properties put out for sale before his death,

“I AM SELLING MY HOUSE SO WE CAN GO ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA. YOLO.” – Late Edward Cumberbatch IV (last name withheld)

for which payment has since been made. The proceeds of the sale is deposited into his local account here.

These are good, useful facts about how financial transactions generally work.

I found your name in some of his documents

“DEAR DIARY, TODAY I SOLD MY HOUSE. LOUISIANA USA HERE WE COME! MAYBE MY FIFTH COUSIN THRICE REMOVED MIKE WILL BE THERE. HE IS FROM USA. HE HAS A BLOG."

and that is why I traced your email through an advanced search.

You, sir, are a sleuth who knows his way around an advanced search bar. Tip of the ol’ cap.

I am contacting you because you bear the same last-name with my late client.

But wait, my last name is (last name withheld).

O.

M.

G.

I want to know if you are in anyway related to my late client.

In this instance, “anyway” should be two words. If my fifth cousin thrice removed Late Edward was Alive Edward today, he’d call me the grammar police. That was a little joke we had between cousins. He was my cousin.

Regards,

R.cressman &associates.

You are very good at writing your company’s name. I therefore have full confidence that this will proceed accordingly.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

MSN quick links of the week


YOU DO YOUR THING BOSTON GRADS, ABOUT TIME THE AUTO INDUSTRY GOT ITS JUST COMEUPPANCE




HOW DO I GET THIS LINK INTO A TIME CAPSULE SO FUTURE GENERATIONS UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WE'RE ALL ABOUT




HOLD UP IS THIS ... ARE WE TALKING GRADS FROM BOSTON TECH UNIVERSITY

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUDE

I AM WORRIED THE AUTO INDUSTRY CLAPPED BACK






THANK YOU FOR SPECIFYING "ADULT'S" BECAUSE I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT A FOOD PROCESSOR IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE LIL' TIKES COOK N' LEARN

IT DOESN'T HAVE A GFI

ANYWAY I WILL LOOK INTO THIS THING THAT APPEARS TO BE A POT, WHICH I'VE HEARD SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT




LET US EAT THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHAPED ICE CREAM SANDWICH FOR MORTALITY REMAINS OUR HELPLESS FATE




OMG

IS THERE A DEAD TECH  GRAD ON THE FLOOR



TOUGH TO SAY

BUT YES



I JUST ... NOW WHO'S *THIS* GUY


A PERIOD COMES AFTER A SENTENCE

WHICH THIS IS NOT

BOOM, ROASTED TRADER JOE'S MAC & CHEESE BITES

MMMM ... ROASTED MAC & CHEESE BITES




PLEASE STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF

YA KNOW WHAT FORGET IT, YOU BOSTON/MATH/TECH GRADS DON'T SCARE ME




I TAKE IT BACK

I WILL CLICK

I HAVE EVERQUOTE INSURANCE NOW

YOU WIN

Thursday, December 08, 2016

MSN quick links of the week



NO. 33 TEACH YOUR TWEEN DAUGHTER TO PLAY GUITAR



MY OUTDOOR PILATES CLASS IS TAUGHT BY A SHIRTLESS BIOLOGIST WHO LIVES BEHIND PIZZA HUT

HE TOLD ME THE NEW DEFINITION OF AGING IS "PROCESS BY WHICH YOU MEET ME FOR A DRINK LATER"



THE THING THAT MOST IMPACTS MY CAR-DRIVING EXPERIENCE IS MY CAR KEYS




OH I GET IT, COOLEST

HOW ARE THERE 10 ICE HOTELS

MY OVER/UNDER FOR NUMBER OF WORLDWIDE ICE HOTELS WAS ZERO ICE HOTELS

IMAGINE YOU'RE AN ICE HOTEL THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT HERE

WHAT THE HELL IS SNOWSHOEING



HERE WAS MY JOKE:

"NO. 4 DON'T DRINK SO MUCH RED WINE"

THEN I THOUGHT I BET THAT IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE THINGS


GOOD STUFF



REPLACE "BEST" WITH "WORST" AND YOU CAN HAVE MY CLICK

I WANT TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE INTERN WHO HAD TO SIFT THROUGH DOZENS OF CELEBRITY PASTA-EATING PHOTOS TO DETERMINE THE SWEET 16

SEE HIS WAR ROOM WHITEBOARD

HUGH JACKMAN + ROTINI  TOO PEDESTRIAN




PLEASE CHOOSE ONE OF THESE 50 INTERNET-ASSIGNED BABY NAMES FOR YOUR ONE-OF-A-KIND (AIR QUOTES) CAUCASIAN BABY

THIS BABY WILL WATCH AS YOU CHOOSE

NO PRESSURE






WE CHOSE CADBURY OK, BACK OFF BABY