Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



THIS IS AS FUNNY AS IT IS TIMELY

THANK YOU DAVE’S WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THE LOLZ

“PEOPLE KEEP ASKING IF I’VE SEEN PRECIOUS WOW I DIDN’T KNOW THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT MY BASEBALL CARD COLLECTION”

YOU CAN USE THAT IF YOU WANT DAVE

ANYWAY WHO ELSE IS ENJOYING THIS MEME



I RESPECT YOUR OPINION



APPROPRIATE REACTION

YOU SHOULD READ ALLIE BROSH I BET YOU WILL ENJOY IT AND GET IT

BECAUSE OF YOUR GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR



YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, A NATURAL GREY REALLY SHOWS D JEWELS

I HEARD THEY ALSO SHOWED D JEWELS IN THE MOVIE



MAYBE YOU’RE USING THE WRONG DIR



THANK YOU RUSSELL

YOUR INPUT HAS BEEN INVALUABLE



YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHY YOU WERE DYEING YOUR HAIR UNTIL YOU SAW THIS MEME

THEY SHOULD PUT YOU ON THE NEWS



A+ COMMENT



“I WILL NOT CUSS EVEN IN ACRONYM FORM AND EVEN WHEN FACED WITH UNDENIABLE HILARITY THAT THREATENS TO OBLITERATE WHAT RESTRAINT I HAVE LEFT” – CLEAH WALKINSHAW



NO THANK *YOU* FOR THE ODD COMMENT



LOOKS LIKE THIS MEME JUST RECEIVED THE DONNA RUKIN STAMP OF APPROVAL

CONGRATULATIONS DAVE

WELL DESERVED

Monday, August 29, 2016

Inspiration

Our girls have a tendency to pass notes to each other during times of conflict—see here:


—and distress. We came to discover that, when they are sent to their rooms for any of the wide range of infractions they commit daily, they’ve been secretly escaping, if only to slide notes under each other’s doors. My first assumption was that these notes were a means to continue the pointlessly bizarre argument that earned them room time in the first place, but I was mistaken. They are actually notes of encouragement (!). It’s as if they are bound to the walls of a maximum security prison, and whatever energies they spent on crime must now be expended more selflessly, to ensure that all hope is not lost.

This was certainly the nature of the best note we found (the name cross-outs are mine):






Don’t go too far away from your dreams

It’s a marvelous, inspiring, 30 Rock-esque sentiment, made more impressive by the correct spelling of “too.” I darn near shed a tear on this one. It’s true that being hopelessly confined to a room full of books and toys for like seven minutes might compromise the very dreams that sustain us all. The fact that our 7-year-old felt this deep in her soul, and that through her own hardship she was able to draw strength and empathy for the plight of her sister is just … it’s just freakin’ wonderful, alright?

It’s just freakin’ wonderful.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



THEY RECYCLED THIS MEME BUT THIS TIME IT DOESN’T HAVE AN EGREGIOUS ERROR

[SAD FACE]

BUT IT DOES HAVE PAPA SMURF

[HAPPY FACE]



#SOCIALISSUES

AND YET YOU ARE STILL SMARTER THAN PEOPLE WITH PETS

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO MMMM (H/T C&C MUSIC FACTORY)



"CURRENTLY I DERIVE FULFILLMENT FROM COMMENTING ON PAPA SMURF MEMES ON THE INTERNET ... IT DOESN'T PAY AS WELL BUT AT LEAST I'VE MAINTAINED MY DIGNITY" - JULIE N LIAM TAPIA



ARE THESE “HIGHER CLASS” OF PEOPLE ASKING YOU TO REPEAT YOURSELF SLOWLY BECAUSE YOU ARE FORGETTING TO INJECT IMPORTANT WORDS INTO CONVERSATION



“THEY BUILT THIS COUNTRY … THEY BUILT THIS COUNTRY FROM THE SCHOOOOOOL OF LIFE” TO THE TUNE OF “WE BUILT THIS CITY” STAT

BTW DOES THE SCHOOL OF LIFE OFFER A GRAMMAR 101 PROGRAM OR NAH



GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY

MORE LIKE ASS-IMILATED AMIRITE



WE’RE GETTIN’ DEEP INTO CONSPIRACY THEORY TERRITORY ON THIS PAPA SMURF MEME FOLKS

MIGHT WANT TO PUT A SHIRT ON FOR THIS ONE


YOU TOO BILL



BOOM ROASTED

OH AND BY THE WAY BILL LEARNED TO SPELL CAPILIZATION IN THE SCHOOL OF LIFE



ANDREW SMITHSON: (SEES PAPA SMURF COMMON SENSE MEME ON FACEBOOK) HMMM THAT’S A TOUGH ONE I BELIEVE THIS REQUIRES SOME REFLECTION

(MONTAGE OF ANDREW SMITHSON THINKING, WALKING ALONG SHORELINE, LYING AWAKE IN BED, LISTENING INTENTLY TO DRIFTERS AT STARBUCKS, READING A BOOK ENTITLED COMMON SENSE VS. EDUCATION, BY PAPA SMURF WHILE ON THE TOILET)

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

ANDREW SMITHSON: UPON REFLECTION…COMMON SENSE ...



HOW MANY PRETEND SCHOOLS ARE THERE WHERE I CAN OBTAIN VAGUE KNOWLEDGE TO SUPPLEMENT WHAT I LEARNED AT ACTUAL SCHOOLS

SO FAR I HAVE

  • SCHOOL OF LIFE
  • SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS
  • SCHOOL OF KISS MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA BUTT




OK I GUESS



I JUST



LOL THAT KILLS ME TOO

OMG

I CAN DEFINITELY CHANGE THE TONER

IT’S EASY

I MEAN

SOMETIMES I HAVE TO ASK CATHY TO H-



BUT THEN SHE DIED (?)



I AGREE WITH JACKIE POPP ARKANSAS



DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN’ MICHAEL HARPER

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THIS ISSUE

THAT COMMENT WAS A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

THANK YOU EVERYONE

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Facebook meme of the week


MY ONLY REGRET IS NOT BEING ABLE TO LIKE THIS HARDER

#BAREFEETMEMES



THERE GOES VICKI J TALLEY “TENDERFOOT” HENSON

HER DAD WAS A TOUGH DISCIPLINARIAN BUT HER ADULT-ONSET SOFT FEET MADE IT ALL WORTH IT



THROWBACK THURSDAY TO THE TIME CAROL MCCUE NELSON SLEPT AT ANN JORGENSEN HEBERER’S HOUSE AND THEY WASHED THEIR FEET

HOW DOES NOSTALGIA GET A BAD RAP



“COVER ME, I’M ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE MY WIDE-FOOT DISEASE AND ALSO DISPARAGE CHINA IN THIS BARE FEET MEME COMMENTS THREAD” – SHEILA



TREI GOMEZ: (CLIMBING MOUNTAINS BARE FOOTED)

TREI GOMEZ'S WIFE: (RUSHES OUT OF FRONT DOOR OF MOUNTAIN SHACK) TREI! TREI!

TREI GOMEZ: WHAT WOMAN? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M CLIMBING MOUNTAINS BARE FOOTED I HATE SHOES

TREI GOMEZ'S: THEY JUST POSTED A MEME TO FACEBOOK, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS

TREI GOMEZ: THIS BETTER BE GOOD ...




GOOD STUFF



YOUR DAD TOLD YOU ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIED OF FOOT BLISTERS

OTHER THAN THAT HOW WAS THE PLAY

“WELL LIKE I SAID IT WAS OK EXCEPT FOR THE FOOT BLISTERS” – MRS. LINCOLN

ALSO DID YOU SAY YOU WALKED ON A HOT ROAD WHILE PREGGERS

THAT IS HELLA IRRESPONSIBLE IMO



YEAH RIGHT WHAT'S HIS NAME SHOELESS JOE JACKSON, MAN I HATE WHEN PEOPLE LIE ABOUT HAVING SHOELESS FRIENDS JUST TO IMPRESS

BE ALL LIKE "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HATE SHOES!"

PFFT



I ALSO HATE WHEN PEOPLE SEE A BARE FEET MEME AS A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO PROMOTE THEIR BLACK MARKET MOVIE LINKS

SHEESH

I MEAN REALLY




...


(WATCHES “BAD MOMS”)

Friday, August 19, 2016

Mother-in-law to the rescue

Although she plays a starring supporting role in this book about a fascinating man, I’m not sure my mother-in-law gets enough credit. Something happened the other day that perfectly encapsulates the type of person she is.

All of a sudden, the hinges on the door that leads to our garage started squeaking. Like, something fierce—every time I went to put 8 empty beer bottles something in recycling it sounded like a horror movie. It was absurd. I knew I needed some WD40 but I just hadn’t gotten around to getting it.

MEANWHILE—bear with me here—my in-laws bought our daughters a dollhouse. This was very exciting as it was the girls’ … (counting on fingers) … sixteenth dollhouse, the magic number that leads to a fail proof happy childhood. For reasons beyond me but that probably relate to their behavior at the time, we weren’t giving the girls the dollhouse right away. Instead, it would sit in our garage discreetly covered by a black garbage bag until SOMEONE HAD THE DECENCY TO PUT THEIR FLIP-FLOPS AWAY SO PEOPLE DON’T TRIP AND KILL THEMSELVES, or something.

Anyway, after an all-inclusive family train ride last Sunday during which we were shockingly not showered with complaints, the girls had earned a dollhouse they didn’t even know existed. My wife decided to record their reaction at getting the dollhouse so she could send it to my in-laws, and this decision didn’t disappoint—they went freakin’ nuts. All of the other dollhouses in our human-size house could have simultaneously burst into flames and the girls wouldn’t have even noticed.

Fast forward to a couple days ago when we had family over for coffee. I enter the house from the backyard and my mother-in-law, who had arrived a few minutes prior, calls me to the laundry room. There, she stands while staring at me and opening and closing the door to the garage repeatedly. At first I’m like wtf is happening and how do I respond to this, but then it dawns on me that the door is not squeaking at all. I look at her like Whaaaat? and she shows me the bottle of WD40, which is now mine to keep.

So what happened is this: During the video my wife sent, I’m emerging from the garage with the dollhouse. Despite the impending ecstatic reaction of her two cherished grandchildren, my mother-in-law was still able to fully process the squeaking of the door, at which point she determined the following:

  • That sound is unacceptable.
  • Who knows if/when Mike will take care of this.
  • If I just buy him the WD40 there is still a decent chance there will be significant lag time before he actually sprays it.
  • How can the girls live like that? With that sound?
  • That’s it—I’m taking care of this.


The more I think about it the more fascinating it becomes. She straight Sherlock Holmes'd an otherwise innocent video to deduce something was amiss, and then, instead of just telling us about it -- assuming we already knew and had simply failed to act, which: yes -- decided to HGTV that sh*t herself. (And yes, I do consider the simple act of spraying a can as a home improvement project.)

These are the type of things my mother-in-law genuinely does out of the goodness of her heart that seriously, legitimately save me time and trouble. Lesser men than me might be offended that their 60-something-year-old mother-in-law is taking it upon herself to literally grease things in their house, but I find it both helpful and endearing. I’ve considered asking her to change the oil in my car, but quite frankly, I’m sort of hoping she already has.



Thursday, August 18, 2016

Facebook meme of the week


HAPPY THURSDAY

DON’T FORGET TO READ

AND JUST BE HAPPY

HOPEFULLY THIS MEME SOLVED YOUR DEPRESSION

SHOULD I CALL OUT OF WORK TO DO THESE THINGS

"HI BOSS? YEAH HOW MANY DREAM/PLAY/LOVE/READ DAYS DO I HAVE LEFT? WHAT? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I MEAN ... I HAVE DIARRHEA, SEE YOU FRIDAY"

OK I'M GOOD TO GO - BRING ON THE READING



CROSS PROMOTION

I WAS PLANNING TO “LIVE EVERY MOMENT” AT CULVER’S FOR DINNER ANYWAY SO THIS WILL WORK OUT PERFECTLY



“HOW CAN I LET THE WORLD KNOW I’M MOVING IN A WAY THAT DOESN’T COME ACROSS LIKE A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO DO JUST THAT? (SEES “HAPPY THURSDAY” MEME) OH THIS IS PERFECT”



I DIDN’T SEE “WISH JUDY A GREAT DAY” ON THIS LIST BUT OK



JUST CHECKED “LAUGH” OFF MY LIST

THANKS JACK FOR THIS HILARIOUS PARODY OF AN INTERNET COMMENT



THAT DOESN’T SEEM CONSISTENT WITH THE THEME, SAMMY SPADE

"SAMMY SPADE: OUT FOR REVENGE"

I WOULD SEE THAT MOVIE



I’M SORRY HOLT LEAH BUT THIS MEME IS SPECIFIC TO THURSDAY

OTHER DAYS OF THE WEEK ARE DESIGNATED FOR OTHER THINGS

TUESDAY IS FOR GOOD MORNING

WEDNESDAY IS FOR MERMAIDS AND TULIPS


MONDAY IS GROSS

DO YOUR RESEARCH FAM



CONGRATS ON KNOWING HOW WEEKS WORK BUT I FEAR YOU ARE NOT LIVING EVERY MOMENT



THROWBACK THURSDAY IS A DIFFERENT THING THAN THIS MEME

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING

DO YOU HAVE AN OLD PICTURE TO SHARE OR SOMETHING

YOU DON’T DO YOU

THEN WHAT IS THIS COMMENT

YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THINGS

THIS WOULD BE LIKE IF MY MOM CALLED ME AND SAID “CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE EYE DOCTOR NEXT TUESDAY” AND I WAS LIKE “FAT TUESDAY”

AND SHE WAS LIKE “WHAT”

AND I WAS LIKE “TACO TUESDAY”

AND SHE WAS LIKE “SO CAN YOU T-“

BUT I INTERRUPTED HER TO SAY “TUESDAYS WITH MAURIE”

SHE’D BE LIKE WTF

WHICH IS WHAT I AM LIKE RIGHT NOW

ANYWAY HAPPY THURSDAY EVERYONE

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Internet teaser links of the week


MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE NBA SCORE IS 114-97, RAPTORS

WELL IT’S AT LEAST IN MY TOP 14

SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, YOU BET YOUR ASS I HOVE SEEN NUMBER 7

I WILL CLICK ON DUDESHARE ANYWAY THO BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS BRING THE REALNESS

------

AFTER BROWSING DUDESHARE I WILL HEAD OVER TO UDDERLYPETTABLE TO SEE WHAT I CANNOT DO WHEN I RUN INTO A PEACOCK-CHICKEN HYBRID

SEEMS HELPFUL

THIS IS ME WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS RUNNING INTO A PEACOCK-CHICKEN ON A NATURE WALK:

“STAY CALM EVERYONE I KNOW WHAT TO DO I SAW THIS ON UDDERLYPETTABLE”

(DIES)

------

“HI MY NAME IS GRAHAM YOU CAN SEE MY INSIDES FROM THIS WEIRD SHIRT-LIKE THING I CALL MY SKIN BECAUSE I AM PREDISPOSED TO SURVIVING CAR CRASHES IN FACT I AM THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN SURVIVE A CAR CRASH”

“MY COUSIN FRANK SURVIVED A CAR CRASH”

“YEAH OK IT WAS PROBABLY A FENDER-BENDER BESIDES CAN FRANK DO THIS (PULLS BEATING HEART OUT OF CHEST)

“OMG (VOMITS)

------

“GOOD MORNING BOSS MY APOLOGIES FOR BEING TARDY BUT SHENANIGANS ON THE INTERSTATE PROVED BURDENSOME NEVERTHELESS I AM HERE NOW AND UNENCUMBERED BY MY PREVIOUS QUAGMIRE”

“WOW I AM PROMOTING YOU TO CHIEF GRAMMAR OFFICER OF THIS SUBWAY”

“DREAMS REALLY DO COME TO FRUITION”

------

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS NO WAY YOU COULD EVER GIVE UP LULULEMON

COMES A BACKLESS SLEEVELESS HOODED SWEATSHIRT

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN LULULEMON IS SO TWO THOUSAND AND LATE

MORE LIKE LOLLOLEMON

------

RIP LADY WHO GOT THE CREDIT ALERTS

“SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND KIND, HER ONLY MISTAKE IN LIFE WAS GETTING THE CREDIT ALERTS” – KOBE BRYANT DELIVERING EULOGY FOR LADY WHO GOT THE CREDIT ALERTS

“A REMEMBRANCE OF HER LIFE ENTITLED ‘TOP 14 TIMES WHATSHERFACE DIDN’T CHECK THE GRAMMAR APP TO DEFINE LITERALLY’ WILL BE AVAILABLE ON DUDESHARE LATER THIS AFTERNOON”