Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



CALL ME OLD SCHOOL WITH A CAPITAL “S” BUT I RESPECT THE ONE PERSON ON EARTH WHO IS OLDER THAN ME

JUST HOW I WAS RAISED, I AM 109 NOW


OH YOU THINK JUST CAUSE I’M 65 I FORGOT MY MANNERS

I DON’T THINK SO B*TCH, HERE IS A LIST OF PEOPLE I HELP IN ORDER OF PREFERENCE

-OTHER
-OTHETS
-ELDER



“IM PAGAN & BE NICE CAUSE ITS WHO I AM” – SHEENA MOORE

THIS IS THE “I HAVE A DREAM” SPEECH OF NONRELIGIOUS TOLERANCE



YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY BRANDY USHER HESTER, NO GOOD DEED FOR OTHER GO UNPUNISHABLE

"MO MANNERS MO PROBLEMS" - BIGGIE SMALLS, OLD SCHOOL RAPPER



CARL WEIDOW FOR PRESIDENT

THESE PROBLEMS WE HAVE GENERALIZED CAN EASILY BE SOLVED WITH A LITTLE OLD FASHIONED PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT I WILL CLOSED FIST PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE MARINE STYLE

ONE TIME I SAW A KID ACT UP IN A STORE AND SO I DEVELOPED MY WORDVIEW IN THE SHOE SECTION OF MARSHALLS



THIS MEME IS GOOD AND ALL BUT HOW DO WE RESPOND WHEN AN OLD HAG ASKS FOR OUR TROLLY

SHOULD WE CLOSED FIST PUNCH HER IN THE FACE OR DO WE TAKE THE TIME TO REALIZE THAT ON THE ROAD OF LIFE WE ARE ALL PROPER PENSIONERS



“NONE OF THESE DRUNK KIDS RESPECT MY WRITING, WE SHOULD SEND THEM OFF TO WAR”



TURN YOUR HEARING AIDS BACK ON, THIRTY-SOMETHING PARENTS AND LISTEN TO WHAT WE’RE SAYING, WHICH IS: I HATE YOU



PARENT’S THESE DAYS NEED TO TEACH THEIR KID’S ABOUT POSSESSIVE’S  !



NICELY PUT TERRY

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



“OK, great stuff … sounds like you have a lot of experience and a whole lot of strengths. Now the tough part of this whole interview process—tell me about your biggest weakness."

MY WEAKNESS IS THAT I CARE TOO MUCH!

“Wow, even your weakness is a strength by many measures. You’re hired.”

SOMETIMES I JUST WISH I DIDN’T CARE AT ALL.

“Well that’s a terrible thing to say. You’re fired.”

THIS AWESOME QUOTE IS COURTESY OF AWESOMEQUOTES4U.COM

WHO ORIGINALLY SAID THIS I THINK IT WAS MORGAN FREEMAN OR LEE IACOCA



IT’S RICKY TATE AGAIN EVERYONE

ONE THING HE DEFINITELY DOES CARE ABOUT IS COMMENTING ON FACEBOOK MEMES

RUN-ON SENTENCE MUCH?

J/K RICKY TATE, YOU DO YOU



YOUR WEAKNESS IS MAKING PEOPLE BELIEVE YOU REALLY GOT SLAPPED SMH

GREAT STUFF THO, I ENJOYED THIS BOOK



THINK WE JUST MADE A LOVE CONNECTION

GOOD LUCK IN YOUR LIFE TOGETHER DIANE AND EDMUNDO



ASHTON POWELL’S WEAKNESS IS STALKING WOMEN ON THE INTERNET WHO POST NONSENSICAL COMMENTS TO FACEBOOK MEMES

NEVERTHELESS LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER LOVE CONNECTION, TWO FOR TWO



OMG IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING



“DAM ABOUT ME” IS THE PERFECT CAPTION TO THAT PROFILE PIC



HANG IN THERE SWEETPEA GODSCHILD ADAMS, IT GETS EASIER

ALSO THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID



WHAT



SHOULD BE “ME TOO” PETE BUT OTHER THAN THAT YOUR COMMENT IS ON POINT PLAYA

ANYWAY GOOD LUCK NOT CARING ANYMORE, 124 PEOPLE WHO CARED ENOUGH TO COMMENT ON THIS MEME

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



LOL POOR PEOPLE BE CRAY

POOR PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO PICK UP COINS BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY HA HA HA HA HA HA HA



POOR PEOPLE FIIIIIIGHT!



THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN MESSING WITH POOR PEOPLE IS MESSING WITH THE ELDERLY

WHILE DRUNK

“NICE TRY YOU OL’ DECREPIT WORLD WAR II VET, BUT THAT NICKEL IS STUCK TO THE SIDEWALK! GET A JOB!” (TAKES SHOT)

ALL JOKING ASIDE THIS STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING BECAUSE CYNTHIA GAVE AN OLD PERSON A QUARTER

WAY TO GO CYNTHIA—YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON



YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE NEED MONEY

LOL INDEED MADELINE



COOL STORY, BRUH



I’M GOING TO GLUE CAPITAL LETTERS TO THE FLOOR AND SEE WHO TRIES TO PICK THEM UP

I'LL LET YOU NO



MAKE ME A "POOR PEOPLE ACTING POOR" SHUTTERFLY ALBUM, LOANN

I BET YOUR NAME IS LOANN BECAUSE YOU NEVER NEEDED ONE



BOOOOOOOOOOO WANDA

WHO INVITED WANDA

GO HOME SOCIALIST PIG



YOU YOU SEEM SEEM COOL COOL



NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

I PRAY FOR MORE POOR PEOPLE SO MOMMY CAN LAUGH AT THEM

AWWW AWWW AMEN AMEN

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Field Trip Chaperone Questionnaire

I arrived home one day last week and literally the second I walked in the door my wife said, “You’re chaperoning her field trip next month.” The “her” she was referring to was our oldest daughter who, at that very moment, was screaming bloody murder from her bedroom because her pencil broke in half … or because she had been told to put her slippers on; I honestly can’t remember and also who cares at this point.

ANYWAY, it looked like I was chaperoning a field trip I guess! Should be fun, or terrible. I’m leaning toward the latter based on the amount of paperwork I have to fill out in advance. I completed about 12 forms—one of them was a reference form that reminded me I have zero friends; however, it made me smile to think of the school district contacting my current and former coworkers to see if I am fit to walk around a museum in the company of children. My wife dropped these forms off at the school and then they emailed her to say that I had three more forms to complete.

One of those forms was a Field Trip Chaperone Questionnaire, which is a real thing. 



I tried to complete it at work but legitimately did not know the answer to the majority of the questions, and worried that my failproof strategy of “When in doubt, pick ‘C’” would put at risk my status as a chaperone, and send my wife through the freakin’ roof.

So I brought it home, and my inability to know the answers caused my wife great joy and a little bit of genuine concern. In my defense:

1.       Who is a field trip chaperone?

Is this a rhetorical question? All of us … in our hearts?

A.      Someone who oversees a small group of children assigned to them

Sounds pretty dope. A. The answer is A.

B.      A parent or relative who is 18 years or older

Hmmm, tricky. So a 17-year-old rando off the street can’t help out at the zoo to get some community services hours for college? Seems hella ageist.

C.      All of the above

So is this one of those “All of the above”s that’s mad obvious or trying to be tricky? I AM ALREADY LOST AND THIS JUST STARTED.

2.       What is the primary duty of a chaperone?

To get paid, son! We get paid for this, right?

A.      Ensure the safety of the students

If “safety” is in the answer, that’s the one. A. The answer is A.

B.      Drive the students to the field trip location

Doesn’t seem primary, AT FIRST. But how are the students going to get there if I don’t drive them? This all becomes theoretical: If a field trip is at the museum, but chaperone Mike never drove the kids there, did it really take place? Answer: no. Answer: B.

C.      Make sure the students have a good time

This is the primary duty of life, son. Upon further review, the answer is C. I am nailing this.

3.       Who is not allowed to go on a class field trip?

Do people crash these things? What am I getting into here?

A.      Younger children

What does that even mean?

B.      Children not in the class

Me: I chose “B” because it made the most sense to me at the time.

Chaperone Control Board representative: Just to be clear, you’re stating that you believe children in other classes, from other schools—possibly more urban schools—don’t belong on field trips?

Me: Yeah, no, wait what?

Chaperone Control Board representative: (makes notes in ledger while shaking head)

Me: You know I’m calling out of work to do this, right?

C.      All of the above

I hate everything.

4.       What should a chaperone do if a student misbehaves?

Oh, so this is the part where I have to promise not to smack the chil’ren. OK fine.

A.      Give the student a time-out

If by “student” you mean “my daughter” and by “time-out” you mean “removing from the premises entirely until backup arrives,” then, yes.

B.      Ignore the behavior

It ain’t in me, son. Imma helicopter discipline dad, and if your wack-ass child steps to me or my friends, best believe we’re gonna have a problem. If you can’t handle that, maybe I’m not the right person for the job. But you know and I know—this makes me the PERFECT person for the job.

C.      Close the proximity between you; if not effective, ask the teacher for help

“Close the proximity between you?” What is this, a maximum security prison?

Child: These dinosaur bones are STUPID! I hate dinosaurs—they’re POOPY!

Me: (on walkie talkie) Closing proximity on perpetrator, that’s affirmative, over.

Child: Get away from me! I hate you! You smell like FARTS!

Me: (on walkie talkie) This is a code blue; I repeat, code BLUE. We’re going to need at least three teachers on the perimeter, over. (ends walkie talkie call) NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS, PLEASE PROCEED WITH THE PRESENTATION.

5.       What does a chaperone do if a student asks for a cough drop?

Uhhhhhh, is this a normal occurrence?

Child: Hey, you. Psssstttt! Chaperone! Let me get a Halls.

Me: A Halls? Aren’t you like, six? You want some chamomile tea and an Epson salt bath while you’re at it?

Child: Listen, just hit me off with the cough drop, OK? I’m feening for that Halls.

Me: OK fine. Let me just pull one out from the stash of cough drops I always bring along to children’s field trips just in case this exact scenario plays out.

A.      Unwraps one and puts it in their mouth

Child: Can you place the cough drop directly in my mouth?

Me: Uhhhh, what? No! Put it in your own damn mouth, what do I look like?

Child: But I’m just a child! My mommy cuts my eggs and feeds me like a bird.

Me: OK fine, sheesh!

B.      Lets the teacher know. Only teachers can administer medications.

Sounds legit. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If a third-grade teacher isn’t administering the flu shot, I’d rather take my chances without it.

Medications?

C.      None of the above

Failing the cough drop portion of the field trip chaperone questionnaire will be but the latest way I have disappointed everyone in my life.

6.       What is on the list the teacher gives a chaperone to carry?

Serious question: How am I supposed to know this?

A.      The names of the students in their group

Makes sense on the surface. HOWEVER, knowing these kids on a personal level might compromise my ability to aggressively close the proximity between us if such a need arises.

B.      Itinerary for the day

8 a.m.: Drive kids to museum.

8:30 a.m.: Survey the premises for field trip crashers and have them deported.

9 a.m.: Distribute cough drops and other medications to children.

Noon: Lunch (place lunch directly in children’s mouths)

3 p.m.: Pick up “Chaperone of the Year” award in gift shop, purchase a cool-looking rock for $17.50.

C.      All of the above

Well, at least I’ll always be a chaperone in my heart.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



HELLO ADULT FRIENDS

HERE IS BABY TOM FROM TOM AND JERRY SUCKING HIS THUMB

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, IT’S FRIDAY

WONDERFUL WEEKEND



HER FINGERS GOT CARRIED AWAY

SHE LOVES HER WEEKENDS BUT SHE WORKS ON THE WEEKENDS BUT SHE IS A HAPPY BUNNY



THE RUMORS ARE NOT TRUE I DID NOT HAVE TO GO TO WALGREENS TO GET HANGOVER MEDICINE

I CAN HANDLE THE LIQUOR I DRINK WHILE WATCHING BABY TOM AND JERRY CARTOONS BECAUSE I AM A GROWN ASS MAN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

AND WHERE IS MY FRIDAY KNOCK KNOCK JOKE DAMMIT

KNOCK KNOCK

WHO’S THERE

BABY TOM

BABY TOM WHO

BABY TOM FROM TOM AND JERRY SUCKING HIS THUMB IT’S FRIDAY YA’LL

LOL



BE SAFE ALL YOU SNOWERS OUT THERE



DAVID B. JONES TELLIN’ IT LIKE IT IS

DAVID B JONES’IN FOR SOME YOUNG TOM AND JERRY



WHAT IS WHAT A WONDERFUL PET DOES

SUCK ITS THUMB IN THE SUNSHINE OR WISH EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK A HAPPY FRIDAY

EITHER WAY YOU'RE RIGHT I GUESS



THIS TOM AND JERRY MEME HAS GOT ME HOT FOR SOME SQUSSING AN’ PLEASING

WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I AM AROUSED

"SORRY MY FINGERS GOT CARRIED AWAY (SQUSSING AN' PLEASING)" THE NEW SINGLE FROM 2 LIVE CREW AND THE FACEBOOK COMMENTERS



COMERA: DID YOU SEE MY COMMENT ON THE BABY TOM AND JERRY FACEBOOK MEME

COMERA’S FRIEND: YEAH LOL

COMERA: REALLY ARE YOU SURE IT MADE SENSE

COMERA’S FRIEND: OH YEAH TOTES, BLACK FOOD COOKING IN THE CITY, POOH POOH, TOM SUCKING HIS THUMB … IT’S LIKE WHAT’S NOT TO GET

COMERA: OK COOL SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M OVER PEOPLE'S HEADS YA' KNOW



YOO TO, KIETH

NAILED IT



HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOMEONE

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



THANK YOU WHAT IS A VIRTUAL CUP OF COFFEE



(looks out window on to clear street, sunny day, brings pretend cup of coffee to lips, takes pretend sip)

"LOOKS LIKE A ROUGH ONE TODAY AIN’T THAT RIGHT GRANDKIDS"

(cats meow)

"HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE SO EARLY MY COFFEE CONSUMPTION IS RUINED"

SIX LIKES FOR PAM ANDERSON BTW



I’LL TAKE A PRETEND CUP OF COFFEE OVER A REAL CUP FROM PANERA ANY DAY

BOOM ROASTED

YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG BLOGGER, PANERA



KIMBERLY PRZBYLOWICZ IS DRINKING ALONE AGAIN YOU GUYS

TIME FOR ANOTHER #PRZBYLOWICZINTERVENTION

SPONSORED BY FOLDGERS

THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP, IS GOING ON THE INTERNET AND PRETENDING TO HAVE A CUP




YOU ARE LIKE THE THIRD CRAZIEST GRANDMA I’VE MET ON THESE MEME ALONE, BEST TO STEP UP YOUR GRANDMA GAME, SON

NEVERTHELESS YOU ARE INDEED VERY BLESS TO HAVE MANY KIDS MOVIES



GOOD LUCK AT THE DOCTOR WILLIAM NABORS

DOCTOR: HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING YOUR DAILY POT OF COFFEE AND SWEET TEA WILLIAM

WILLIAM NABORS: YOU BETCHA DOC

DOCTOR: IT’S EVIDENT IN YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE GOOD WORK

WILLIAM NABORS: THANKS DOC

DOCTOR: I WENT TO VIRTUAL MEDICAL SCHOOL YOU HAVE INFLUENZA OF THE PENIS I THINK

WILLIAM NABORS: OH NO



WHO EATS A BIKKIE AT THE END OF THE DAY WHAT ARE YOU INSANE



IT’S ABOUT TIME WE HAD A VOICE OF REASON HERE

"NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE" - STEVE "RAMBLIN' MAN" HAYES

NOT SURE IF THIS MEME IS SUGGESTING WE MEET SOMEWHERE BUT I’M WITH STEVE, HE SEEMS CHILL



LET US ALL SHARE VIRTUAL CUPS OF COFFEE WITH ONE ANOTHER FOR ONE DAY WE WILL ALL DIE

MOST LIKELY WE WILL DIE BECAUSE WE LEFT THE HOUSE BEFORE HAVING A CUP OF EYE OPENER AND CAUSED AN ACCIDENT



PUT YOUR FEET UP AND IMAGINE YOURSELF SPEAKING COHERENTLY



SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY WON BINGO LAST NIGHT



FATHER ANDY: HOW SHOULD WE LET THE CONGREGATION KNOW THAT SOUP SUPPER HAS BEEN CANCELED ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE … YOU KNOW, DUE TO THE LACK OF SOUP

CHURCH PERSON: WHAT ABOUT A VIRTUAL SOUP DINNER

FATHER ANDY: WOW THAT IS STUPID YOU ARE FIRED FROM CHURCH

KITTY MCANANY: I THINK I HAVE JUST THE IDEA …



HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROL