Friday, January 29, 2016

Spam email of the week

Hello,

I am Miss Geraldene Dozzy from (KwaZulu-Natal) South Africa

HELLO GERALDINE DOZZY FROM ZULU NATION

I am contacting you because I need your help in management of some amount that my father left for me before he died.
My father was a very successful business man into timber plantations

GET THAT TIMBER PLANTATION MONEY, SON, I AIN’T MAD ATCHA

and exportation but was poisoned by his step brothers,

OH SNAP THIS IS LIKE CINDERELLA EXCEPT PA DUKES IS CINDERELLA AND HE CAN’T GO TO THE BALL CAUSE HE DEAD

THE BALL IS THE TIMBER PLANATATION, IT’S A METAPHOR

my uncles that was assisting him

“UNCLES THAT WERE ASSISTING HIM” WHATCHU LIKE AN INFANT-TYPE BABY OR SOMETHIN’

in his business due to envy and they are now after me so I had to escape my way to Benin where I am presently.

BEEN TO BENIN MANY TIMES FOR ENVY-RELATED REASONS. TRY THE MEAT POCKETS THERE, ASK FOR SAL.

Please I want you to stand as my guardian to enable you receive the money in your country and as well assist me secure papers

IMMA HELP YOU SECURE THAT PAPER, SON, I HAVE MANY QUALIFICATIONS BY WHICH TO DO SO

WHICH IS TO SAY A FRIEND OF A FRIEND IS A NOTARY OF THE PEACE OR WHATEVER THEY CALLED

that will enable me come over to your country immediately for continuation of my education

FO SHO, IMMA HELP YOU GET THAT TIMBER PLANTATION BEQUEATHMENT SO THAT YOU MAY FURTHER PURSUE YOUR MINOR IN GRAPHIC DESIGN

and investing of the money according to your advise since I am only 17 years without mother or father.

YOU ARE 17 WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER

ALSO MY CONDOLENCES ON YOUR MOTHER, ANOTHER CASUALTY OF THE TIMBER PLANTATIONS/ROUTINE FAMILY POISONING IMMA ASSUME

Please indicate if you are interested in taking me along

TAKING YOU ALONG? WHERE WE GOING YO

ACTUALLY IMMA MAKE THE CALL HERE, LET’S GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY

PARTY OF TWO, CHEESECAKE FACTORY HOSTESS—THIS IS MY BAE GERALDINE DOZZY FROM SOUTH AFRICA, PLEASE DON’T POISON THE PENNE VODKA TO GET HER TIMBER MONEY

I MEAN YES WE PREFER A BOOTH

because my present situation here is critically frustrating.

I will be waiting for your response. Please kindly let me know if you are not willing so that I can continue searching.

Yours sincerely

Miss Geraldene Dozzy
This message is intended only for the use of the addressees. It may contain privileged and/or confidential information that should not be disclosed under applicable law. If you are not an addressee, or the employee or agent responsible to deliver this message to an addressee, you are notified that any use or dissemination of this message is prohibited, and that you should destroy/delete it immediately and advise the sender. Thank you for your cooperation.

THIS MAD LEGAL MESSAGE HAS COMPLETELY LEGITIMIZED THIS EMAIL

I REGRET APPROACHING THIS EMAIL IN THE MANNER I HAVE AND I MOURN THIS LOST OPPORTUNITY

ALSO AS A NON-ADDRESSEE I WILL TURN MYSELF IN TO AUTHORITIES

TURNS OUT THE AUTHORITIES ARE YOUR UNCLES

TELL THE WORLD MY STORY

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



BET YOU THOUGHT WINTER JUST STARTED

WELL GUESS WHAT, THIS CROSS-EYED BLUEBIRD HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU



OPEN THE LETTER

THE LETTER SAYS ONLY 57 DAYS UNTIL SPRING

(P.S. GRANDPA DIED IN THE FIELDS)

NOW THROW THE LETTER IN THE FIRE TO KEEP WARM FOR THE NEXT TWO GD MONTHS

HATE TO NITPICK ON THIS BEAUTIFUL GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF SPRING BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS



THE PORTAL TO SEASONAL BLISS, WHERE BLUEBIRDS LIE SAFELY NEXT TO POLAR BEARS, PROLLY I GUESS



ONLY 57 DAYS UNTIL RICKY TATE CAN GO CAMPING WITH HIS SWEETIE

THIS IS A WELCOME REMAINDER I FORGOT TO MARK THAT ON MY RICKY TATE CAMPING CALENDAR

NEW SWEETIE ERRRRRY MONTH LOL



I AM EQUALLY SURPRISED AT YOU MOMMA

IT’S VERY MUCH UNLIKE MOMMA TO JUMP THE SEASONAL GUN LIKE THIS

BLUEBIRD PLEASE CHECK ON MOMMA SHE MIGHT BE SENILE

GODSPEED



GET OUT OF COLORADO IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE COLD DAMMIT

COLORADO DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO YOU TYPE OF FOLKS

SPRING-LOVING FOLK WHO DON'T LOVE THAT WINTER WHITE SHOULD GO TO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS, IF YA'LL ASK ME



“HOW DID HE DIE, DOC”

“SMUTERD TO DEATH WITH LONG JOHNS, CLASSIC CASE, IF HE JUST COULD'VE HELD ON FOR 57 MORE DAYS ... SMH”



SAY A PRAYER THAT EARTH CONTINUES TO REVOLVE AROUND THE SUN IN THE SAME MANNER IT HAS FOR THE PAST BILLION OR SO YEARS

IT’S A LONG SHOT BUT YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH



NOT REALLY HOW IT WORKS NELLA UNLESS AUTUMN IS A PERSON PLANNING TO VISIT YOUR CAT-INFESTED TOWNHOUSE



OH SNAP DID THIS MEME ACCOUNT FOR LEAP YEAR

SOMEBODY DO THE MATH



HAPPY BIRTDAY DONNA

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



ALSO A PUBLIC PARK IN ABERDEEN, MARYLAND AT SUNRISE ON A CRISP MARCH MORNING

THAT’S THE FOURTH PLACE

GET THERE EARLY FOR YOUR SEAT ON THE BENCH SO YOU CAN WATCH THE TREES



YES THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL WAY; THE PERFECT “WAY” TO DESCRIBE THIS SENTIMENT IS “WAY”



SORRY REGAN—DON’T GO FISHING FOR SYMPATHY IN THE COMMENTS AND EXPECT NOT TO GET CRITICIZED BY CHARLOTTE PAUL

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING, NOW STOP IT SO YOU CAN BE IN SOMEONE’S HEART



POUR OUT SOME LIQUOR FOR THE FAITHFUL SNUGGLERS

SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS



THAT’S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOLKS

ONE TIME MY FAITHFUL SNUGGLER WENT TO SEE EARNEST GOES TO CAMP IN 3D AND NEVER CAME HOME

YOU’RE ALWAYS IN MY #HART FRANCESCA



SHIRLEY NIXON COMIN’ CORRECT WITH THE 4SHO REPLY

IMMA DOUBLE DOWN AND 4SHO THAT 4SHO




WTF

IF YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY THAT PATRICK SWAYZE IS IN YOUR HEART, AND LEAST GET THE NAME OF HIS MOVIES RIGHT, DANG

WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF 4SHO, CAUSE THAT’S MY RESPONSE TO THIS



I BET YOU COULD HAVE

DON’T CAPITALIZE “SOMEONE’S” FOR STARTERS



IF YOU’RE STILL WONDERING WHERE ALL THOSE BLESSINGS CAME FROM LAST SUNDAY, IT WAS SOUTHEASTERN MICHIGAN

THANKS MARY, WE OWE YOU



HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIA

Friday, January 15, 2016

Cool thing of the week

NOT TRYIN’ TO BRAG BUT I JUST GOT A NEW, FREE TRAVEL MUG AT A COMPANY LUNCHEON



IT WAS BETWEEN THAT AND A LANYARD AND YOU KNOW ME, I DON'T FRONT

GONNA FILL THIS BABY WITH SOME FILTERED WATER RIGHT N—

AYO HOLD UP



Please wash all parts in warm soapy water before use.

ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE TRAVEL MUG OR SHOULD I TAKE A SHOWER LOL

SERIOUSLY THO

Do not exceed the product’s capacity with liquids.

I WILL FILL THIS DANG THING WITH LITTLE REGARD FOR ITS SPATIAL DIMENSIONS THANK YOU VERY MUCH

MY CUP SPILLETH OVER, SON

WITH ATTITUDE BUT ALSO LITERALLY

Always be certain the lid is secured before drinking.

I WAS TAUGHT SINCE BIRTH THAT IF THE LID IS IN THE GENERAL PROXIMITY OF THE CUP YOU ARE G2G (GOOD TO GO)

FEELS LIKE MY DRANK CONSUMPTION IS BEING MICROMANAGED HERE

Hot drinks may scald the user.

LOL TAKE THAT USER

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR PUTTING HOT DRANK IN A PLASTIC TRAVEL MUG WITH A STRAW

Keep out of children’s reach when filled with hot liquid to avoid scalding.

CHILD, PLEASE HOLD THIS HOT-ASS DRANK I JUST POURED INTO A PLASTIC TRAVEL MUG WHILE I DELETE THIS TRACK OFF MY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST, MUCH OBLIGED

Do not put container in microwave.

WHAT IF YOU DON’T TURN THE MICROWAVE ON

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BECAUSE THEY TURNED YOUR POWER OFF

I STORE MY TRAVEL MUGS IN THE MICROWAVE, IS WHAT I’M SAYI—

Hand wash only. Dishwasher may damage product or lid seal.

THIS IS ONE HIGH-MAINTENANCE-ASS TRAVEL MUG. I HOPE WHEN I DRINK FROM THIS DANG THING I EXUDE A FORMALITY THAT MIRRORS THE VAST EFFORTS I MUST PUT FORTH TO MAINTAIN IT.

Unit is not vacuum design.

WHY ISN’T THIS TRAVEL MUG A VACUUM CLEANER

Can only keep warm or cold liquid for a short period.

WHY CAN’T THIS TRAVEL MUG MAINTAIN AN EXTREME TEMPERATURE FOR LITERALLY INFINITY

I CAME HERE TO GET SCALDED DAMMIT

CAUTION-hot liquid will increase temperature of exterior wall.

“OH MY GOODNESS WHY IS THE EXTERIOR WALL OF THIS TRAVEL MUG SO HOT, COULD IT BE THE HOT LIQUID I POURED INTO ITS FOYER, WHO KNOWS, ANYWAY IT’S COOLED OFF NOW”

This product is not intended to be spill proof or leak proof and is not guaranteed against minor leakage.

SO LIKE SHOULD I TAKE OUT AN INSURANCE POLICY OR WHAT

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE PICKED THE LANYARD

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



LOL KERMIT

I MEAN KERMIT?

YOU LOOK MAD DIFFERENT SON

YOU SICK OR SOMETHIN

MAYBE YOU’RE JUST NOT A MORNING PERSON

OR A PERSON

YOU LOOK LIKE A NATURAL HOLDING THAT SMOKE THO

LIKE IF CLARK GABLE WERE A SICKLY FROG PUPPET WITH IMMOBILE APPENDAGES

CLASSIC KERMIT THE FROG THO, GETTING UP MAD LATE AND FEENIN’ FOR THAT NICOTINE AND CAFFEINE

ANYWAY MORNING DOES HAPPEN AFTER 11 FYI

11:01 THROUGH 11:59 SO YOU’RE GOOD TO GO

ANOTHER SOLID MEME BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHIEF SLAP-A-HOE

ON BEHALF OF THE INTERNET THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO, CHIEF SLAP-A-HOE

Friday, January 08, 2016

Facebook meme of the week



IT’S LIKE YOU’RE READING MY MIND, MICKEY MOUSE

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS ME BUT NAH, THIS CARTOON MOUSE IS LIKE SAMSIES

WELCOME TO DEPRESSION DISNEY, FEEL FREE TO RIDE THE TEACUPS INTO A FOGGY ABYSS WHILE JOY DIVISION PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND

“AIN’T TALKED TO PLUTO IN A HOT MINUTE, AND NOW HE THINKS I’M MAD, SMH.” – MICKEY MOUSE

WHAT’S UP, PARTY PEEEEEOPLE?



JIMMY KING DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOT TALKING RIGHT NOW

THANKS FOR THE COMMENT THO



YOU GUYS, STOP LYING TO EURIS IP SPANGLISH OR DUDE IS GONNA SHUT DOWN ALTOGETHER

NOBODY WANTS THAT



YO THAT IS DEEP

MORE LIKE PLATO ZUBROD JUNDT AMIRITE



THAT’S GOOD, LET IT ALL OUT CATELYN … TELL SAD MICKEY MOUSE ABOUT HOW YOUR MOTHER DISAPPOINTS YOU



DIANE LLIFF IS A NATTER BOX PORN STAR?

OK I GUESS



FEEL GOOD FRIDAY, Y’ALL

GO STEELERS

“CATS FILL THE EMPTY VOID IN WHAT HAS BECOME A MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE.”

“THAT’S AWESOME.” – TERRY DAVID PLATT



FLAVIA RODRIGUEZ E PEREIRA: SO THEN I’M LIKE, “LINDA, THE WORK MICROWAVE IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL PLAYGROUND!” AND LINDA IS ALL, “WHATEVER,” AND I’M LIKE, "ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?" SO THEN I SA—

MR. RODRIGUEZ E PEREIRA: [ELONGATED FART THAT GOES ON FOR LITERALLY 20 SECONDS]

FALVIA: YOU KNOW I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOTHER



DON’T CRY FOR MARGARET, ARGENTINA

SHE STILL HAS JIM

SHOUT OUT TO JIM

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Spam email of the week

Subject: ARE YOU STILL ALIVE??

Depends. Is there spam email in heaven?

GOOD DAY TO YOU,
We are writing to know if it's true that you are DEAD.

Not going to beat that intro. If I’m spam email, I’m retiring now, going out on top.

Because we received a notification from one Mr. John of USA stating that you are DEAD

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Do NOT listen to anything Mr. John of USA has to say. That guy is full of sh*t. He’s the same guy who told me Bobby McFerrin committed suicide. I think people only listen to him because he has a name you can trust. But his information is consistently erroneous.

and that you have given him the right to claim your $ 1.5 United States Dollar fund

LOL yeah like I’m gonna give Mr. John of USA, of all people, my $1.5 million. You know, when I received my First Holy Communion, and used those savings bonds to start my first United States Dollar fund, I accepted with that the responsibility of being a good steward of that money. Pretty sure I make better choices than that. We’re not even related.

Here is the account information he provided,
Account Name: John ......,

But I can’t say I blame you for reaching out. He certainly made everything appear legit.

Account No # 4264449103 ....
Swift code is: NRTHUS33XXX ,,,, and stated your fund should be transferred to him, He said you died in a CAR accident,

That’s classic Mr. John of USA – just yelling things to get his point across. It works with “DEAD” but “CAR” is a DEAD giveaway the guy has no clue.

YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL.

Oh of course—that was obvious when you began this email by delicately approaching a sensitive topic by asking if I was DEAD. In fact, I thought a good summary of this correspondence would be to just list the things written in ALL CAPS:

GOOD DAY TO YOU
DEAD
DEAD
NRTHUS33XXX
CAR
YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL

The eloquence of this email suggests it was written by the head of some type of committee …

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Keith Jaroslav
Head of Committee

I knew it. Anyway, I am alive thnx.