Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: FOR YOUR CONFIDENTIAL OBSERVATION ONLY

Sorry but I decided to post this to the Internet. No hard feelings?

n. Learn more

Believe me, I’d like to "n. Learn more" as much as anyone, but I can’t n. Learn more until you start the email.

I am Raymond Taylor the son of last wife to the former president of Liberia who was asked by unanimous decision by the international community to step down from the corridors of power .

I smell an “Everybody Loves Raymond” reboot.

Raymond: But Maaaaaa, everybody wants Dad to step down from the corridors of power! Why does he have to be so stubborn all the time?

Robert: Yeah Ma. I don’t think Dad asked you to be his eighth wife NOT to get involved in decisions like this.

Raymond: No one asked you - you're not even her real son.

Doris Roberts: You boys shutup and eat your lasagna.

(laugh track)

I write you this mail under duress and as a result of my recent decision to better the lives of me.

If I could take away the stress you feel as a result of the extremely difficult decision to make better your multiple lives, I would. 

I have made a decision which i know might not be good in the sight of man but the present situation has led me to this decision to better the lives of me.Currently now have decided to make do with the sum of six hundred million us dollars(600.000.000)United States Dollars belonging to my father in which i am a benefiaciary,when he went into exile in Nigeria.

Not sure how you will make do with a mere $600 million to spread over multiple lives, but I’m here to help, Ray.

 In 2006. On 29 March, My father tried to cross the border into Cameroon through the border town of Gamboru in northeastern Nigeria . His Range Rover with Nigerian
diplomatic plates was stopped by border guards, and Taylor 's identity 

That’s cool you and your dad are on a last-name basis.

was eventually established.State Department staff later reported that significant  amounts of cash were found in the vehicle. Upon his arrival at Roberts International Airport in Harbel , Liberia , Taylor was arrested and handcuffed by LNP officers, who then immediately transferred custody of Taylor to the United Nations Mission in Liberia (UNMIL). Irish UNMIL soldiers then escorted Taylor aboard a UN helicopter to Freetown, Sierra Leone

That’s an ironic name for a town considering the circumstances. You know ... because your dad was captured and handcu-

,where he was delivered to the SCSL. I have decided to relocate with your assistance to your private account the said sum.My decision was reached when i could not conceive the thought that after the
United States Government has promised to let my father go free based on the condition that he should step down 

Sometimes you have to put yourself in other people’s shoes, and if the Local Union #209 had asked my father, Kenny, to step down from his post as foreman of the pipefitters, I would likewise take my $600 million and go elsewhere. How could I ever look him in the eyes again?

Mr.Collin Powell stated in a press briefing that he would be indicted by the court in Netherlands to face charges on war crimes,

Assuming you mean “Colin” and are not confusing the American statesman with an Irish college bro, I totally remember that press briefing, by the way. When Colin Powell was talking about your dad.

this is what led to my decision as God Knows that i was never in support of his involvement in the indecent maltreating of innocent people in Politics.

Don’t beat yourself up for your dad’s war crimes. Judging by this email, it’s apparent you are a good, honest, non-person with many lives to look forward to.

This decision is hard for me to make but i just have to make it for the sake of my me future.

Your selflessness knows no bounds. You are literally stumbling over yourself trying to verbalize how much you are looking out for yourself. 

Currently the said sum was lodged in a safety deposit box in a  financial company Institution which i will disclose to you as a matter of commitment to me and this plea for assistance. I currently have the deposit certificate and can draw up a change of beneficiary mandate to effect you as the beneficiary to the funds. I am a trained economist by profession

Of course you are. It was evident earlier when you used periods instead of commas to numerically write out “(600.000.000).”

and it is in this line that i will want you to take note that your services for assisting me will be compensated to the best of my ability. I have this to look forward to so i would like you to keep this project close to your heart just as myself pending when we reach the conclusive end of this project. 

Totes. When will we meet the conclusive end of this email? I am hungry.

I will want you as a matter of confidentiality to respond through this mail and also include your telephone number as well so that i can give you a call if the need arises as we are currently on political asylum now in west africa. 

"Hello. You have received a collect call from the location of ... WEST AFRICA ... at ... POLITICAL ASYLUM HOUSE ... from ... 'Yo Mike it's Raymond Taylor pick up pick up pick up.' Do you accept the charges of ... THREE THOUSAND AND TWENTY DOLLARS?"

"Totes."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand that respo-"

"YES DAMMIT."

Once get your confirmation that you can be of assistance i will bring you into a clearer picture of the situation at hand.

Clearer than this well-crafted email? Impossible.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Facebook meme of the day



WELCOME FALL

MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR

LOOK AROUND YOU, ALL THE SIGNS OF FALL ARE HERE

THE BLARING SUN

THE FALL-COLORED BUTTERFLIES

SQUARE PERIODS THAT SIT A LINE BELOW THE SENTENCE

PUMPKINS WEARING FEDORAS

WOODY WOODPECKER

WHEN I WAS A KID, ON THE FIRST DAY OF FALL, WE WOULD ALWAYS STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AND MY PARENTS WOULD STAY HOME FROM WORK AND WE WOULD WATCH WOODY WOODPECKER AS A FAMILY

MOM WOULD FIT THE FEDORA ON THE JACK-O-LANTERN, DAD WOULD COOK UP SOME BUTTERFLIES AND OL’ WOODY WOULD PECK HIS WAY OUT OF SOME SH*T

AND INTO OUR HEARTS

HOW ABOUT MY FACEBOOK PEEPS?




THAT’S A GREAT STATEMENT EXCEPT FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT IT

“I WON’T MY SUMMER BACK-SUMMER BACK

“JUNIOOOOOOR’S SUMMER BACK THOUGHTS”

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE CHILI’S SONG FORGET IT




“GOOD WRITTEN” AS GOOD RIDDANCE IS THE MOST IRONIC THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE

IRONY IS SOOOO FALL THOUGH, SO IT’S PERFECT




FOLLOW BOOBIE FOR ALL OF HER GUT FEELINGS ON UPCOMING WEATHER, INCLUDING “BOBBIE’S ICE METER”




JUDY IS A BIG FAN OF WHATEVER THE WEATHER IS

I FEEL LIKE LOL IS OVERUSED BUT TOTALLY WARRANTED RIGHT THERE

THANKS EVERYONE, HAPPY FALL

HA HA HA-HA HA

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WOODY WOODPECKER FORGET IT

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Ode to memes

There is so, so much to love about terrible Internet memes. The faux inspiration, the passive aggressive insults targeted at no one in particular, the fishing lines of self-affirmation, the rally cry of pointing out super obvious things, and the inexplicable use of non-copyrighted cartoon characters as the mouthpiece by which to do so. Tweety Bird thinks you’re a crazy aunt but that’s OK? Sure, why not.

But my favorite aspect of terrible memes is the bafflingly consistent use of awful grammar. Like, a meme only has a handful of words, typically in a humongous font, yet there are always grammatical errors. I mean, no one can proofread these?

AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT—GOTTA GET THIS BABY OUT THERE! Click


Click-CLICK



(I have blue eyes btw, if you've always been wondering why I'm so dang kind-hearted and always looking out for other.)

The punctuation, syntax, misuse of possessives, straight misspellings and—my favorite—utterly random capitalization, combined with the general pointlessness of the entire message, make for a thing of beauty and wonder. As does the fact that these memes are shared, liked and commented on—UNIRONICALLY— by literally tens of thousands of the strangest Facebook addicts with the oddest FB handles (Bobb & Martha justtryingtogetby w/LOVE jONES).

I’ve been posting these memes for a while now, and I’m never dissuaded by the fact that lots of people (relative to the amount of people who read this blog, so like four people?) don’t understand why. Sometimes when I share them to the book/blog’s FB page, and the meme itself shows up on the preview, an aunt or distant cousin or a friend of my parents will like it thinking I was sharing the meme. This gives me even more motivation. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

ANYWAY, I came across this one the other day and, quite frankly, I fell in love. It’s not by any stretch the greatest one I’ve ever seen (which remains this), but there’s something about it that makes it special. I’m going to leave it here so that you might bask in its goodness. I’d be remiss were I not to give a shout out to Dave (assuming) of Daveswordsofwisdom.com, without whom we’d never know things like “sons are nice” and it’s OK to love yourself just the way you are. And a big shout-out to Liza Adams and the seven-nation army that supports her counterpoint. All in all, this is a pinnacle of human discourse.


Friday, September 18, 2015

Milky chance

A friend and co-worker revealed recently that when he went to elementary school in the Midwest, they were given milk in bags. Like, individually, for lunch, each kid got milk in a bag. In a bag.

No one had ever heard of such a thing. He texted his wife to make sure he wasn’t crazy and SHE TOO enjoyed milk in a bag as a youth. But she also grew up in the Midwest and we attributed the whole situation to random, bizarre, flyover state milk consumption habits. (We also assumed the two of them met in some Illinois grammar school—“Illinois Grammar School”—making flirty eyes from across the cafeteria while sipping gross ass milk from a dang sack.)

But THEN, in an odd coincidence, a Facebook friend of my wife, who we don’t think is from the middle of the country, posted a pic of milk in a bag with a caption along the lines of, “Who remembers these from back in the day LOL” and people DID. They did remember! WHAT THE HELL. Literally for 37 years I had never heard of milk in a bag, and then in the span of like four days I was bombarded with milk-in-a-bag information.

Like this:





This is totally my friend and his wife, by the way, save for … a lot things. Forget it, it’s not them.

Mini-Sip? “Only take mini sips from the bag, kids! In ’91 we had four near milk bag-related drownings, but there’s a new sheriff in town and NOT ON MY WATCH! Mini-sips!”

You know what offers “LESS WASTE” of the milk itself than milk in a bag? Literally milk in any other container. Milk in a conch shell is more efficient. And tasty! Considering plastic is toxic.




STEP 1: Place your Mini-Sip Pouch flat on the table.

Don’t go trying to puncture this thing while holding it above your head in mid-air, kids. IT’S NOT A DANG PINATA!



STEP 2: Hold the pointed straw with your thumb over the flat end. While squeezing the Pouch tightly, push the straw into the air bubble.

Capri Sun was like any other drink growing up, except for the allure of it being, basically, a sack. A sack of juice. I used to be able to get the straw in no problem as a kid, but now that I’m an adult, I can mysteriously no longer accomplish this feat. (I am referencing occasions during which we’re at a kids party and my girls want Capri Sun. I no longer drink Capri Sun personally, FYI.) There is a better chance I will injure myself or destroy all crucial elements of the Capri Sun than successfully insert the straw. You have one chance to get at Capri Sun and YOU BEST NOT MISS, SON. That should be their motto.

ANYWAY, what’s my point? Oh yeah, this sack o’ milk is pretty much like Capri Sun, and who knows—maybe there’s some scientific evidence that kids enjoy something more when they have to STAB IT. But dang with these instructions and inherent risks! How is “1. Open carton 2. Drink milk” not easier and safer? I can’t believe these things existed (exist?).



STEP 3: Stop squeezing and remove your thumb from the top of the straw. Enjoy your cold milk!

How about I tell YOU when I'm done squeezing! (twss)

I’d normally be critical of instructions that specify you must remove your finger from the end of the straw in order to drink from the straw, but these are milk-in-a-bag instructions so everything is out the window. “NOW SIP FROM YOUR LIPS AND MOUTH AND NOT YOUR EAR CANAL, MIDWESTERN CHILD.”

As far as the milk being cold, I’m going to have to trust it because few things evoke more assumptions of “room temperature” than a sack of milk lying dead on a table. Anyway, I can't even with this. It's all too much for me and, quite frankly, a little disturbing.










Thursday, September 17, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re: SUSPECT_SPAM_SA1-SMTP PLEASE READ MY MESSAGE IT IS VERY IMPORTANT

This subject header seems to contain conflicting information, but I will err on the side of caution and trust it completely.

PLEASE TAKE TIME TO READ EVERYTHING IN THIS MESSAGE, THANK YOU.

OK. I owe you at least that much.

I believe this message will come to you as a surprise because we have never met before. My Name is Sergeant Andrea James Zaugg. I am from Victor-ville California, United States of America. 

I’m surprised we’ve never met, Army sergeant who needs to point out that California is in the United States but is unaware his hometown is not hyphenated.

I found your Email contact in an address journal online.

And here we are. Destiny, thy name is Zaugg.

I work with the U.S Army, but currently on a peace keeping mission here in Kabul Afghanistan.

Those things are not mutually exclusive, but OK.

The information i am about to disclose to you will be of great benefit to both of us if you will accept my request to receive the cash sum of Four Million Five Hundred (4.5) Euros and Raw Gold worth over One (1) Million Euros which is currently with me here in the Kabul War Zone.

Fine, I will take the $4 million and all the raw gold. It seems like your peace-keeping mission is going well if it’s resulted in you guarding all the gold in the war zone.

Before i proceed further, i have to tell you more about my stay here and the source of the Money and Gold. I was posted here 8 Months ago and i have been working at the Military monitoring unit base since my stay here in Kabul Afghanistan. We are in charge of bombs, missiles, Air craft and Guns.

Who is in charge of weapons capitalization?

As a matter of fact, I am using the U.S military device for monitoring the Aircraft, Missiles,  Bomb track and radio activities to chat with you. I am doing this secretly because We are not allowed to use cell phones, computer and laptops.

Wow, who ever thought I’d be secretly communicating with an army sergeant in Kabul from a bomb-tracking device? And I’m a plain ol’ civilian! I feel like I’m in an episode of NCIS: Army: CSI: Kabul: 24.

I am widowed with one son who is currently in the Army War College

!!!

Hmmm, I’ve never heard of Army War College. Maybe it’s online.

and I lost contact with him the last terrorist attack here at the U.S Military Base camp.

Seems like the peace-keeping mission is going well.

My wife died of breast cancer five years ago, and since then i have been single.

No disrespect, fake military sergeant, but you could have stopped at “ago.”

I wish to disclose a very important information to you about my stay here in Kabul, and your assistance in this matter will be highly appreciated. I need your assistance in this matter because i do not have anyone to help me out at this point, no father, no mother, no brothers and sisters. I lost my parents in an auto crash while i was still 18 years of age, and i am the only child of my parents. I once had an uncle who was very good to me, but he is late now.

You uncle: Dammit, I was supposed to be in Kabul to meet Andrea James an hour ago! (looks at watch) I just need a quick bite … (looks at toaster, which is smoking) … geez, not again! (trips over dog, spills coffee) Geez!

SOURCE OF MONEY AND GOLD: My stay here has been deadly and on the other hand profitable to me.

I feel like I am in an episode of Profitable, But DEADLY.

"During my stay here I died, but on the other hand I've made a lot of money."

Few Months back, I and my team mates were assigned to monitor Oil project here in Kabul Afghanistan which has really increased me financially.  As a matter of fact, after monitoring the last oil project last week, we were compensated with a total sum of One Million Euros (1M) each for protecting the company from terrorist attacks while the projects were going on.

President Obama: Gentlemen. We appreciate your efforts in monitoring the Oil Project, and therefore we want to increase you financially. Here is a one-million-euros each bonus for doing your job. I took it from the defense budg-

Treasurer: (whispers into President’s ear)

President Obama: OK so let’s do this instead: If you find any gold, just keep it.

We also recovered parcels of gold worth Billions of Euros when we invaded some terrorists camps

Seems like the peace-keeping mission is going well.

here last months after which we were also compensated with gold worth over One Million Euros each for a job well done. In other to make more money here,

I am very sympathetic to your cause of killing and pillaging in the effort of making even more money than millions of dollars and I want to know how I can help.

i had to invest the One Million Euros in an Oil business because i will be punished by the military authorities if caught with such a huge amount of Money here in the Military Base Camp. Ever since i started the secrete oil deal here

You are involved in so many oil deals you are literally secreting oil? Dang, son.

i have made a total sum of Four million five hundred thousand Euros here. For security reasons, i saved my cash and gold in a military security Boxes without the consent of our coordinators here. I decided not to disclose this to them because if i do, the package will be confiscated by our top officials, and i can’t let them have my hard earned money and Gold.

You and I might differ on what “hard-earned” means, but I nevertheless understand your plight.

All my team mates involved in this deal have delivered their own share of the gold and cash to either their wives or family members and close friends, but mine is still here with me because i do not have anyone to help me receive my package. Right now I need some I can trust, I mean someone who will never think of betraying me who I can deliver the Two Security Boxes containing my 4.5 million Euros and Raw Gold worth One Million Euros.

You can totally trust me never to betray you, person who got my email from an online address journal.

It is a punishable offense to keep cash with you here in the Camp because we are not allowed to keep cash with us for security reasons.  In order to maintain good behavior, the military authority decided that our salary and allowances will be sent to our different accounts with Bank of America

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: hi

This email is about hi LOL subject header much? Pfft. Seriously though, hi.

Hello man!

Hello … woman? Fingers crossed!

You look amazing!

Thanks! I woke up like this. Sitting at a computer in my underwear with mad eye boogers responding to spam emails while my children demand “breakfast” … ha ha … children. So like, you can see me through the compu-

Let me introduce myself!

No need! You’re “Lauren House,” a.k.a. Housed9dc38@marketinggovernor.com but I should reply to codiehk23@rambler.ru so I know you’re like ... one of those things!

I am Olga from Russia!

Or: Olga.

I am looking for a caring, self-confident man for a normal communication and serious relationship! I suppose that you have all of these qualities!

My mom always said: When you suppose, you make an ass out of you and me. But in this particular case, you happen to be RIGHT ON, Olga. I am caring, self-confident, and—correct me if I’m wrong—but I’m preeeeeeety sure we’re already off and running with normal communication. I mean, what’s more normal than this, Olga from Russia? Ha ha … do they have sarcasm in Russia? Also, what is Russia? Anyway, my answer is yes, let’s go steady.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Are you not getting any of this?

Friday, September 04, 2015

Review: Depression Cherry

The following is my submission to a contest hosted by Phoenix's popular record store, Stinkweeds, inviting reviews of Beach House's Depression Cherry for a chance to win an exclusive version of the album on vinyl. I lost, but WAS named runner-up, which is cool.



“Where do they go from here?” It’s been a legitimate question to ask along the timeline of magnificent Beach House productions. The Baltimore duo has, impressively, been able to answer that question quite resoundingly with each release. After achieving a modern masterpiece with their Sub Pop debut, Teen Dream, Alex Scally and Victoria Legrand doubled down on their dream pop progression with Bloom, taking the band from the quiet comfort of indie darlings to, if not the mainstream, something more ambitious. Never has the “Where do they go from here?” question been more apropos than following Bloom; assuredly something grander than that would weigh the “dream pop” scale too heavily to the latter. (And by the way, while some may meet the dream pop label with an eye roll, I’m sorry—it fits Beach House like a velvet glove.)

Where they went from there is Depression Cherry, the first album that doesn’t answer its predecessor resoundingly. Rather, it’s a slow burn of a response, or, more likely, not a response at all. Scally and Legrand, after all, don’t seem as concerned with their evolution as they are with making meaningful music, which has made their evolution natural and unforced. It’s easy to mistake the album as the duo retreating to the subtle nuances of their self-titled debut and sophomore effort—indeed, Depression Cherry seemingly fits better in between Devotion and Teen Dream than as a follow-up to Bloom—but the album is revelatory in its admission that less is more.

If the title doesn’t prove as much—“Depression Cherry” is pretty far from the burgeoning, overt beauty of something called “Bloom”—the opening track will. You can rightly expect “Levitation” to ascend, but it will only do what it promises: levitate. Whether you experience that as disappointment or delicate, refined splendor will ultimately determine how you perceive Depression Cherry. It’s my suspicion, if you’re listening to Beach House in the first place, you will opt for splendor.

That’s not to say the album is understated throughout. “PPP” and lead single “Sparks” are more authoritative in their mission. As someone who’s been mildly obsessed with Beach House’s penchant for making one track seem like two with an artful turn—for what it’s worth, I consider the latter part of “Used to Be” off Teen Dream among the most gorgeous slices of music I’ve heard—the elongated, guitar-aided conclusion of “PPP” is a wonder. Still, the riffs of “Beyond Love” and steady tick of “Bluebird” are carefully crafted, something you grow to adore as they remain in your subconscious like, oh I don’t know … a dream.

In interviews coinciding with the album’s release, Legrand maintains that the songwriting is interpretative, definable only to the listener. And I don’t interpret Depression Cherry to be depressing at all. Indeed, on “Levitation,” when Legrand croons, in her signature, haunted best, “There’s a place I want to take you,” it’s a cordial invite to a mysterious yet exquisite landscape. But depression itself is something beneath the surface, something that transcends the hallow pleasures of everyday life, and that’s where Beach House has always made its bones. This album might be the cherry on top of that aesthetic, perfectly nestling itself within an enchanting catalog.

A good friend of mine introduced me to my wife. He also, a few years later, introduced me to Beach House. There are times I feel almost as indebted to him for the latter as I do the former. It was love at first sight in both cases. Is that a tired cliché? Beach House might think so, which may explain why Depression Cherry is not as easily recognizable. Rather, it cordially invites you to something deeper. Something, as one of its tracks suggests, beyond love. The journey is quite worth it, even if it leaves you with the nagging question, “Where do they go from here?”

Thursday, September 03, 2015

Facebook meme of the day



SHORT GIRLS HAVE LIVED ON THE MARGINS OF SOCIETY FOR TOO LONG

HOW DARE YOU SAY SHORT GIRLS AREN’T CUTE AND SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO VOTE

THEY ARE ALL CUTE

ALL OF THEM, EVEN THE UGZZ ONES

I CAN’T REPOST THO B/C I DON’T SEE MY HEIGHT

B/C HEIGHTS AREN’T WRITTEN LIKE THAT

DAMN A SEMI-COLON, WHO MADE THIS MEME A SHORT GIRL

J/K SHORT GIRLS YOU ARE GOOD AT PUNCTUATION AND ALSO CUTE

A CUTE LITTLE NONSENSICAL SEMI-COLON WHO IS ALSO A FAIRY

LET’S HEAR IT FROM THE SHORT GIRLS


SHE LOVES IT, ALSO CAN'T WRITE HEIGHTS - 13 LIKES


SHE DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS SHORT - 12 LIKES


SHE REFUSES TO BE SHORT - 13 LIKES

REACH FOR THE STARS, BETTE JAMESON, LITERALLY


SHE’S TALL MAYBE - 6 LIKES


SHE’S ALMOST 5’ AND HER ASS IS DISAPPEARING - 10 LIKES


SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SHORT BUT WHEN SHE GREW UP SHE REALIZED SHE WAS SHORT - 1 LIKE


WTF


THANK YOU SHORT GIRLS, YOU ARE ALL CUTE HEROES

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Job Available 7017074895824

I am a hot commodity on the job market these days.

From: dagwood bumstead (dagwoodbumstead@comcast.net)

Seems legit.



Нi,
We are returning bаck rеgаrding rеquеst оn а Carееrs web-sitе.

Yes, I did make a request for a job on a Careers web-site, and I forgive you for failing to mention the exact name of the site to which you are responding. The name of the site was CareersWeb-site.com.

Wе hаvе fоund that yоu mаtсh our сritеriа fоr vacаnt pоsition оf Mаiling Operator.

I applied for the position of Crane Operator, but OK.

Yоur Duties аrе:

I got the job?

- Aсcерtаnсe/mаiling the goоds frоm the sеrvice-department,

Hmmm, I see your company—I’m sure you will mention the name of your company eventually, Dagwood Bumstead—mails goods direct from the service department. Out of my comfort zone, but then again: YOLO.

- Соntrol оf оutwаrd damаgеs,

Got it. Damage control. (winky face emoticon)

- Рapеr registrаtiоn of forwarding.

These are good words, strung together nicely.

Оur Cоmpаny оffеrs:
- Gооd pаy rate,

Say no more! Actually, can you be a little more spec-

- Аdditionаl bоnuses basеd on the rеsults of уour wоrк,

Additional bonuses is redundant, Dagwood. And it’s damage control like THAT that will earn me additional bonuses. Boom, I’m hired.

- Social and mеdiсаl insurancе,

Tryin’ to cop that social insurance, son. Bout to go on disability for getting into a verbal tiff with a buddy from a high school.

- Еаsy to usе web dutiеs-panеl fоr рaсkage trаcкing,

“Wow, you navigate the web so easily! And who gave you that beautiful panel?”

“What can I say? Easy-to-use web duties is a perk of the job. And the panel is from Dagwood Bumstead. I track packages with it.”

“Marry me!”

Cаreеr oррortunitу сonditions:
- Мinimum understаnding of pарerwоrk mаnаgеmеnt,

I literally understand as little as there is to know about paperwork management.

- High Diplоmа,

My diploma is high as [expletive], yo.

- Skills оr сomреtеnce with сomрutеrs,

I am great with complugg

- Ability to aссерt аnd hоld pacкagеs оf 1-30lbs at home,

“Hi, Dagwood? It’s Mike. Listen, how long do I have to hold this 30-lb package? My arms are kinda tired and my parents are coming over for dinner later and I just … uh huh … uh huh … OK, I understand. No, no, you’re right. I can’t enjoy easy-to-use web duties without sacrificing on the other end. Yep … OK … you have a good weekend, too. Thanks. (hangs up) Dammit.”

- Nо сriminal records.

I knew there was a catch.

If уou are still sеarсhing fоr a job opроrtunity, plеаse reрly to us at: mattiasmcsheffreydwc@yahoo.com .
Наve а gоod time!

Thank you! I WILL have a good time replying to Mattia S. McSheffrey, a.k.a. Dagwood Bumstead, about this job opportunity! I will prove to him that I can hold my package at home!