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Showing posts from May, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Info

I enjoy info and also have info, so this is a go.

From: Alfred Smith [mralfredsmith@peru.com]

That is your email handle if you live in Peru, which is a company.

Hello,

I am in Mexico


Or Mexico. Peru and Mexico are like samsies.

and I am interested in the vibrant economy and impressive enterprises existing in your country.

Wow, Mexicans are interested in our vibrant economy and impressive enterprises? WELL C'MON OVER, MIS AMIGOS! I'm right next door in Arizona and what's the worst that could hap

[shots fired]

[ducks head]

[looks around]


Go on ...

The client I represent plans to migrate and settle there with his family as soon as he can secure a partner in a commercial enterprise.

Sounds legit.

Your client: Alfred! Please email Americans at random and secure me a partner in a commercial enterprise so we can move out of Mexico.

You: I'm not sure that's how business works in an economy as vibrant as Amer-

Your client: (turns on blender to make smoothie) CAN'T HE…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: RE:dark grey

There's only one lady I know who sends emails with such eloquent, informative subject headers ...

From: Connie-9 [connie9@g664.com]

CONNIE!

Nice day to you my dear friend,

It is so good to hear from you again, Connie! Indeed we are dear friends. This what dear friends do - talk about slabs over email.

How are you?:)

I am good, thanks! Well, to be honest, I guess I could be doing a little bit better. Spring is here and I am all out of slabs :(

Spring is coming, many project is started again,

As they say.

and clients also start concentrating on purchasing or plans for market demand again,

Ahhh, spring. The weather warms up, birds are chirping, butterflies flutter by, the smell of fresh flowers fills the air, and clients start concentrating on purchasing or plans for market demand again. So it goes during CAPITALIST SPRING.

inquiries from them also increase obviously.

Obviously.

So i wonder if you also need    related information.

Yes, I need information related to spri…

How Sex Works, part II

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For part I of our ongoing series of “How Sex Works,” click here. Or, you know, don’t. 

We’ve reached the biology part of “How Sex Works”—HOORAY—so everyone strap on your science helmets.



This two-page layout is themed “A girl at puberty” and includes this helpful chart, titled “Differences in growth.” This chart proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that, yes—sometimes humans, even female humans, are different shapes and sizes. Not every human is the same exact height and weight. Seems like the orthodox laws of puberty just got a kick in the ol’ groin. Plus 1

It’s understandable, then, that these particular girls chose to have their faces shadowed out. No one wants to be ostracized by the science community for participating in a study that debunks the traditional thinking that every human is the same person. Also, no one wants to be ostracized by their own group of friends for appearing in a book called “How Sex Works” while wearing a flesh-colored bathing suit.

Hold up though, everyone—my g…

How Sex Works

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Was given a book the other day for reasons that I trust are ironic. The copyright is 1994 but I think the book is just as relevant today. I want to take an absurd amount of time seeing if I’m right, so I guess this will be a new blog feature? Sure, why not.




Judging by the cover, how sex works is that you’re a grease monkey teenager and you try to give your sleeveless turtleneck-wearing girlfriend a shoulder massage but she’s all like, “Chill. Let’s hold hands.” That is EXACTLY what sex is like for a teenager: no sex. And that’s OK because you are 14 and maybe you shouldn’t be having sex right about now. So far this book nails it. Plus 1

The subtitle of this book is, “A clear, comprehensive guide for teenagers to emotional, physical, and sexual maturity.” This is inherently a false premise. There is no sexual maturity for a teenager because a teenager is a teenager. To wit, I am 37 years old and I think a book called “How Sex Works” is hilarious enough to spend inordinate amounts of ti…

Spam email of the week

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Do you know a doctor who is good at being a doctor but bad at having pens? Well have I got the email for you!

Subject: Promotional Pens for Doctors - Offer #7117

!!!



Here are my questions/comments:

Does a "pcs" = a pen?If so, $75 seems like a lot for 300 pens, even on a doctor's salary. I would probably pay $7 for 300 pens. Or, better yet, zero dollars for zero pens.Then again, I am not a doctor. Just a writer.Are the non-customized pens blank or do they read "Your Message Here?" If the latter, I would like to order three non-customized pens because I think that's sort of funny, maybe, it's not, forget it, I don't want any pens.If choosing my pen colors becomes burdensome, is it possible for you to surprise the sh*t out of me by choosing the colors yourself? I realize that is risky but YOLO.
Give your customers a gift to remember your business

Are promotional pens really an effective means of medical advertising?

Man: (writing grocery list, stops to loo…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Fw:Necklace wholesale 2015 latest design crystal necklace jewelry

This seems relevant to our newspaper. Let me check it out.

Dear,

Dear ... somebody whatever doesn't matter just buy the necklaces dammit,

Good day.
(Quality is our culture)


Following a weak salutation with what appears to be a motto, inexplicably in parenthesis, indicates that quality is certainly not your culture when it comes to emails. But who I am kidding - I need some m______ f______ necklaces. What's up?

This is Vickie from Aicharme Jewelry Co., Ltd, professional supplier from Austrian Crystal Jewelry for Europe and U.S. market for more than 8 years.

Hi, Vickie! We have been with our respective employers for almost the same amount of time. TWINSIES.

We own 2 factories and thousands of Austrian Crystal Jewelry designs, whatever you are looking for, you can find it in our factory.

I need mailing labels for our newspapers. Also: mad necklaces.

"We believe our products will give you an edge over your …