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Showing posts from December, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Requesting for a Sponsor Post

This seems real.

From: peetar parkar [burjadvertising@gmail.com]

Peetar Parkar: the Spiderman of spam

Hi!

Hi, Peetar!

Hope you’re keeping well!

I am! I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how well I am keeping. In fact, here is a list of things I am keeping right now:

wellit realon keeping onsafemy distance pepper spray on me just in case we ever cross paths
But mostly I am keeping well.

I’m Peetar, an avid reader and Media blogger, a passion which I think we share.


Peetar, if you're like me - Klaark Kennt, which is totes my name - the passion you have for reading and media blogging will never be satisfied. I literally cannot see a media blog without blogging about it on my media blog. Have you read my media blog?

Your blog "http://www.glendalestar.com/" is by far the most interesting I have come across in the recent past, hands down!

I have several things to say about this:

That is not my media blog; it is the website of the company I work fo…

Communicating with data – when to stop

I received a text message from my good friend VERIZON WIRELESS that read, “You’ve used about 75 percent of your 3GB data plan (cycle ends the 10th).” It was the 19th. I texted my other good friend with whom I share the aforementioned 3GB of monthly data, my wife, like “What gives?” I immediately received a text back that read, “You’ve used about 90 percent of your 3GB data plan (cycle ends the 10th).” I put the phone down, slowly backed away, ran across the street and hid behind a tree.

Suspecting my wife’s phone was the culprit, it still fell on me to call Verizon because my wife is on the road all day. (My office job, apparently, consistently affords me the opportunity to take care of such personal matters. Can’t talk now, boss-I’m on hold with PetSmart grooming.) The first bit of information Verizon needed, because my wife is listed as the account holder, was the last four of her social or our Verizon password. Regarding the latter, infinity question marks. (One of my guesses was “…

Spam email of the week

Subject: News

Of the good nature, I hope.

Good day.
1) Yes, Putin is the maniac, killer, bastard...


This is not good news.

Tell me the population of Japan.

Uh

It is about 140 millions or smth...

Yep. I just checked populationfacts.org, and it says "The population of Japan is 140 millions or something. Whatevs." Now that we've got the population of Japan out of the way, let's talk more about that maniac killer.

They live at island.

what

South Korea has 40-50 millions, who live at peninsula.

I live at desert land mass. My name Mike. Population: ones.

Russian population is 120 millions lives at 20% of earth.

"Welcome to Russia, a.k.a. 20 percent of earth. Try our gazpacho, and maybe keep a low profile."

And this idiot every day occupies new territories. Crazy stupid ass, and nothing very much.

This is a good political editorial. Really makes you think.

There are hundreds and thousands of Putin's tanks, which goes to Ukraine day and night to kill us.
Putin is mentall…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FUNDS.

Finally.
I am Rev. Tody Anderson. a computer scientist working with central bank of Nigeria. I just started work with C.B.N. and I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees but the fund was not released to you.
You may or may not recall that I’ve been down the CBN/red disk road before, courtesy of our good friend, Miss. Faith Okeke, a real person who is real. Like Miss. Faith before him, Rev. Tody Anderson mentions how life in Nigeria is similar to life in the mafia. Unlike Miss. Faith, the good reverend gets hella specific.
Listed below are the mafias and banks behind the non release of your funds that I managed to sneak out for your kind perusal.
While I appreciate being provided information about the multiple mafias responsible for my seat within middle class, you can rest assured, Rev. Tody, I will NOT be perusing this list kindly.
1) Mr.…

The greatest gifts part three: scenes from a recliner

My Uncle Mike is my Godfather. Growing up, our family tradition was that, among extended family, only the Godparents provided Christmas gifts to the kids. For this, my Uncle Mike was also the Godfather. Of giving the best gifts.
(I must acknowledge here my Godmother, Aunt Carol, who also gave fantastic Christmas gifts. I truly lucked out in the Godparent gift department. Many a Christmas Day my younger sister bitterly lamented my good fortune while unwillingly wearing an ill-fitting sweatshirt with a bedazzled giraffe on it.)
There were two hallmarks of an Uncle Mike gift—unexpected and masculine. Regarding the former, they weren’t unexpected in that I didn’t expect to get a gift. Oh no, I definitely expected a gift. But it showed poor taste, apparently, to request a specific gift, something I discovered when I innocently asked my mom if I could make a Santa list and an Uncle Mike list. So my mind would race with the possibilities of what it could be, and I was always way off, and wh…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: VL: China Juparana surface and size

Guys, Connie is back. CONNIE IS BACK.

Granite, Marble, Slate, Limestone, Artificial Stone, I'm willing for you!

And she's still kind of slutty. #slabslutty

Nice day to you dear friend,



I just want to mention that, in the email, the little photo there rotates around like a gif. I couldn't figure out to post it here like that because, apparently, Connie is better at that stuff than me. Connie is the best.

Not updating our production photos to you for a long time, due to the G603 promotion in September continued a whole month.

If anyone out there has actually followed these weird exchanges with Connie and her company (which used to be called Wuhan but is now called Xiamen Vinstone because of course), you're aware the emails always begin by acknowledging the problems encountered during their previous slab release and how everything is cool now. And here we are again. The G603 promo took a whole month? I'm no marketing major, b…

Spam email of the week

Subject: FW: FROM SUPREME COURT OF BENIN REP BRANCH: OB/OP/1234 PLOT AKPAKPA, COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC. OUR REF.CODE:BSEL/773/AWN/021/ 09 Phone;+229 68734461, Urgent Attention, You Are Expected To Call Us +229 68734461 Once You Receive These Email. Please my dear

That was the subject.

Please my dear the entire Supreme Court Of Benin Republic are here

Not just one or two guys, in which case I could have easily ignored this email. Nah, yo, errrybody be there, which is a statement about as grammatically potent as the one above.

to make it to be clear to you that there was a case that we have been handling here since concerning your funds because we got some reports that you did not received your funds since after every story you have being hearing regarding the funds and all types of payments you have be paid to receive the funds but none is received by you.

That was one sentence, fwiw. I mean, it wasn't a sentence sentence, but it felt like a sentence, in that reading it felt like pun…

The greatest gifts part two: Bootcity

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This month we're examining our favorite Christmas gifts of yore. For part one, see here.

One of the greatest Christmas gifts of my awkward youth was received in good ol’ 1991, and was, as I’m sure you guessed, a cassette tape of Bell Biv Devoe’s remix album. The name of the album was “WBBD-Bootcity!: The Remix Album.” To this day, I do not know what the “W” in the title stands for, and I also don’t know what or where Bootcity is. But this was definitely a remix album.




Part of the reason I pushed so hard for this was because one of the songs contained therein was a New Edition reunion track called “Word to the Mutha!” which might be the most 90s thing that ever happened. It’s not everyday you get to hear Bobby Brown jamming and rapping with the crew again, and I needed to have this song forever so I could listen to it over and over again courtesy of an everlasting medium that would never die—a cassette tape.
The challenge was getting word to MY mutha that this was something appropri…

Spam email of the week

Subject: furniture

Again? This time it will be legit. Fool me once with furniture-themed emails, shame on you. For doing that. Fool me twice though with furniture-themed emails? Shame on you again because why are you doing this? What's that? You're totes not fooling me? You promise this is for realsies? OK. I am no fool.

Hello Sir,

See? They know I'm a dude. Hello.

Hope you are fine.

I am fine. Thank you. I hope you are fine, too. This is appropriate small talk and I am convinced this email is good and worthy of my time.

Glad to know you from online

OK, sure I guess. If by "online" you mean "Microsoft Outlook" and if by "know" you mean "have emailed" then what you say is true and nice.

and do hope this email will not bother you.

Awwww, you are sweet. And no bother. I mean, your email WAS repeatedly knocking on the bathroom door while I was trying to make a poopy earlier, but that is OK.

This is Maggie from Yuemingqi Furniture Co., LTD, whi…

Spam email of the week

Subject: ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC.

I have dealt with a lot of banks in my day - my favorite being BANK - but I've never heard of ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL.

ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC.
Zenith Holdings Plc
8 Canada Square.
Victoria Island Lagos Airport
Road E14 5HQ. Nigeria.
Telephone: +2348120635166`


ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL is a bank at 8 Canada Square in Victoria Island but also in Nigeria. In an airport. You can doubt - though I wouldn't - ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL's zenith-ness, but you can never doubt ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL's international-ness.

                   Attention: Attention: Attention,

I know this letter will come to you as surprise one but I want you to read
this with maturity.


OK, poopyface.

This day, one Mrs. Cynthia Edward, came to my office
to let us know that you are DEAD,


omg

and before your death, you instructed
her to come for the claim of your funds in the tune of US$2, Million that
was long abandoned in your name with this bank (ZENITH INTERNA…

The greatest gifts part one: Castle Grayskull

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Today we begin a special three-part holiday series on our favorite Christmas gifts of yore.
When you grow up with two sisters, especially when one of them is older, you can easily be led astray. I watched “Dirty Dancing”—with interest—more times than I could count. I cried during “Steel Magnolias.” When New Kids on the Block emerged and my sisters scooped up all the albums and merchandise, I thought NKOTB were the coolest guys in the world and I wanted to be a member of their singing posse. Until I went to school one day and my third-grade friends started making fun of them, and I was like, “Ha, ha, yeah, those guys are THE WORST. I’m really into Johnny Cash these days.”
But there were occasions when my natural, unconscious masculinity shone through. For example, I was very much into He-Man. These days, people might view He-Man (and that previous sentence) with some homoerotic skepticism, but I’m telling you—He-Man was a healthy representation of manhood back in the day. He carried a…