Friday, October 31, 2014

Cool Cardinals memes Friday

Intro: There are some Arizona Cardinals fan sites that like to express their insecure love for the local team via weird trash talk and hyper-masculine threats of violence. Let us explore some today, OK? OK.



PRETTY SURE IT IS THO

ONE HUNDRED YARDS + 160 FEET WIDE + 22 HUMANS = MAD ROOM

ALSO IT'S THEIR FIELD

ALSO THE FIELD IS IN A STADIUM THAT IS LITERALLY LIKE THE BIGGEST STADIUM THAT HAS EVER EXISTED

ALSO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

I'VE NEVER WATCHED FOOTBALL BEFORE SO NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS

DOES THE FATTER TEAM GAIN RIGHTS TO THE FIELD, AT WHICH POINT THEY SET UP THEIR KINGDOM

J/K I LIKE YOUR MEMES DO HAVE ANY ABOUT OTHER TEAMS OR PLAYERS




OH SNAP ... WHAT

HIS LAST NAME IS GORE SO THIS SHOULD BE "FRANK WHO?" WHICH ALSO DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT STILL, OH SNAP

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE HAS THE BALL AND IS GETTING TACKLED

ONLY THE BEST, MOST RECOGNIZABLE PLAYERS DON'T EVER GET TACKLED IN FOOTBALL, LIKE ALL THE CARDINALS

ALSO THAT'S A 15-YARD PENALTY AND A FIRST DOWN

YEAH, I'M TALKING SMACK ABOUT YOUR CARDS MEMES, WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT




OH OK

YOU HAVE A GOOD PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS

BUT I GUESS A BLOODY BEATING IS BETTER THAN WHAT YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR THE 49ERS



THANKS FOR THE ARROW, WASN'T SURE WHERE TO LOOK

RIP 49ERS

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Congratulations beneficiary!

This is going to be a good day. Everyone is happy and proud of my ability to earn money just by sitting around.

Good day,

I know, right?

This is to inform you that the WESTERN UNION management is no longer happy
with your inability to contact us since the last time we sent you an email in
regards to the below information.


Welp, now I am sad. At first, WESTERN UNION management was happy with my inability to contact them, our clever game of me not responding to emails they never sent producing a kind of joy similar to when a father tries to call his estranged son from jail before remembering he doesn't have a son. But that persisted, and they changed emotional course, and they are no longer happy with this. As someone who has made a lifelong, conscious effort to never disappoint WESTERN UNION management (WWWUMD?), this has obviously rocked my world.

This is the 4th time we are reaching you and
would probably be the last if you fail to comply.


The "probably" makes me wonder if it's worth risking just one more unreturned email. You know, for leverage.

Perhaps we should donate your money to the Orphanage
since you are obviously indisposed to claim it.


I'm not sure what's better - the attempt to shame me in to collecting money that doesn't exist, or the threat to donate said money to charity. HOW DARE YOU THREATEN TO DONATE MY UNEARNED, DISPOSABLE CASH TO PARENT-LESS CHILDREN! I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STOP THIS.

Contact WESTERN UNION office now for your reference
number to pick up your first payment of $15,000.


Me: Hello, WESTERN UNION office? This is beneficiary. I am calling to get my reference number so I can pick up my first of many $15,000 payments that would otherwise be wasted on needy children.

WESTERN UNION office: OK. Your reference number is uh, 5.

Me: Thanks. Can I have $15,000?

WESTERN UNION office: OK. What is your reference number?

Me: Five.

WESTERN UNION office: Here is $15,000.

Me: Thank you.

Email:
(wesunimontra1@yahoo.com.ph)


I see that, at the behest of CEO Wesley Unimontra, who wore No. 1 when he played high school soccer, WESTERN UNION has collectively moved to foreign Yahoo email accounts. Seems legit.

Let me know as soon you pick
up your first payment of $15,000
Mr James Mark.
United Nation


Not for nothing Mr James Mark period of THE United Nation, but when I get my 15 Gs you won't be able to find me for as long as it will theoretically take me to blow 15 Gs on strippers and Schlitz. I mean, OK, I will let you know.

Endeavor to email them the following information for immediate processing,

I thought this was finished? I hate endeavoring.

Your Receiver Name--------------

Uh, for fantasy? Demaryius Thomas? How is he invol-

Your Country--------------------

United Nation.

Your City-----------------------

I don't have one yet, but I plan on buying one when I get enough $15,000 payments. I will call it something cool like Coolberg. Or YOLOtown.

Your Tell-----------------------

Before I throw a changeup, I always grab my crotch. Wait, why am I telling you this?

Your Test Question--------------

What did the cool guy say to the orphanage kids?

Your Answer----------------

Freeload much? Get a job. It's like, really.

Your Age/Sex----------------

The Triassic, if we're talking about the last time I had sex. LOL. j/k #seriouslythough

Your Id-------------------------

I don't know what this mea-

Thanks

Mr.John Solomon.


No, thank YOU, Mr. John Solomon.. And say what's up to Mr James Mark. and my dog Wesley Unimontra and anyone else I may have missed who is involved in the process of me getting $15,000. Oh, and tell Wes I would rather donate to an orphanage than trade him Demaryius Thomas for Sammy Watkins straight up. He'll know what I mean.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

No bag left behind: Why I bag and you should, too

When I go food shopping, if circumstances allow, I bag my own groceries.

What are the necessary circumstances? First and foremost, I must be shopping alone. If I have my girls with me, I’m sorry, but all of my attention and energy on the checkout line is focused on keeping their hands off the candy and trying to prevent them from repeatedly asking the cashier for stickers. Not that I succeed at this, as I typically leave the store with two girls plastered with stickers on their body and faces that read “THIS ALCOHOL IS PAID FOR.”

Second, there has to be no store employee available to bag. I wouldn’t want a grocery store employee coming to my job, pushing me out of my chair and sitting down to write a rambling column about my family, so I won’t impose. This rules out shopping at Safeway, which usually has baggers. By the way, I’m pretty sure Safeway baggers are obligated to ask, “Do you need help out with this?” which is embarrassing for everyone involved when I’m declining while being handed a single bag that contains a pack of gum and French onion Sun Chips. I think I got this.

Lastly, I must have brought my own bags, which I try to always do. Why? I generally am unaware of where the store’s paper bags even are, and feel as though any attempts to locate them would be an invasion of the cashier’s space. And I’ve never in my life operated the Lazy Susan of plastic bags without leaving one behind. Basically, I need to be familiar with my bags, which sounds like something a pimp of mature women might say. (For more pimp/grocery jokes, please log on to my blog.) As a side note, I never feel as Caucasian as I do when I walk up to Trader Joe’s wearing my work khakis, holding my own reusable grocery bags and, after selecting a cart, wiping it down with a disinfectant cloth. High school me would hang his head in shame. What can I say? I keep it real.

Speaking of Trader Joe’s, my weekly trips there typically involve all of these circumstances coming together to form the perfect storm of me bagging groceries. What has surprised me—and what has inspired me to write this column because, you know, I DO have a point here—is how surprised the cashiers are at this simple act.

I pretty much have the same conversation every time:

Cashier: Wow, have you thought about filling out an application here?

Me: After the day I had, I think I might! (side note: my day was fine)

Me and the cashier, in unison: Ha, ha, ha …

(awkward silence)

Cashier: Seriously though, thank you. Not everyone does this. (nods head toward adjacent aisle, where cashier is furiously scanning and bagging while 50-something woman waits, holding credit card, staring into nothingness)

It’s possible the circumstances are not just not ideal for all the non-baggers I see out there, but … there are a lot of non-baggers out there. And, you know, it’s really not that hard. There are only three things to remember when bagging groceries:

•    Put the items into the bag, not the other way around.
•    Don’t put heavy stuff on top of light stuff.
•    Save the eggs for last.*

*This would make for a good Weird Al parody song of Vanessa Williams’ “Save the Best for Last.” That song came out in 1991, so I may have missed the boat there.

It’s that easy. Plus it keeps the line moving, makes the cashier’s job a little bit easier, and, if you are physically able to stand at the credit card swiper while texting, then you have passed all physical qualifications for bagging groceries.

Oh, and then go can go home and enjoy the fruits—literally—of your labor. Despite the “literally” I just used there, by fruits I mean beer. After all, it’s paid for.

Note: This column appears in the 10/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/31 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Glendale Incidents - Glendalestar.com: News 2014-08-28 2:05:53

This is an interesting spam email tactic. They've taken an actual article from our actual website and used it as the subject header for this email. So, theoretically, were I an idiot, I would say to myself, "Oh, this legit person must be emailing me about something online. I better open this email and see what is happening so I can address it instantaneously and professionally. After all, I am the web editor, and I must adhere to my responsibilities."

Then I open the email.

Dear Sir / Madam,

"This person is good and nice, and I don't hold it against them that they don't know whether I have a penis or a vagina. After all, my work email handle, 'subscribe,' is not gender specific. But I definitely don't have a vagina, for what it's worth.

"Not sure why I needed to remind myself of that, but no going back now. My inner dialogue bites its tongue for no one."

I’m Mr. Zhang.

"Hello, Mr. Zhang. How can I help you with regard to the article mentioned from our website?"

Our Jingcai factory experienced manufacturer & exporter of clothes since 2006.

"Okaaaaaay, that is nice, I guess. How can I help you though with regard to the article mentioned from our website?"

We specialize in coat, overcoat, shirt, dress, pants, skirts & suits.

"I feel like we are getting off track here. How is this relative to the police blotter we posted back on Aug. 28? I just ... you have overcoats, huh?"

All our team members have had plenty of experience for years and we are enjoying high reputation for producing excellent quality.

"I'm gonna tell you right off the bat, Mr. Zhang - I don't deal with clothes manufacturers who don't enjoy a high reputation for excellent quality. I was shopping at a Jingcai factory here in Phoenix for years - YEARS - until one of the buttons on my pants popped off at an important meeting and my vagina popped out. I mean, what? It was embarrassing, is what I meant. Wasn't a week later that their rep started slippin' in the streets, and I dropped them like a bad habit. I don't front, is what I'm saying."

We mainly offer made to order clothes, OEM, private label and tag service.
We are able to make the clothes & sample according your design, picture or sample provided.


"I want a Grumpy Cat-themed overcoat that I can wear to work with a tag that says Marc Jacobs so people know it's one of those designer overcoats that's so ugly it's cool."

Welcome to send us clothes samples and designs to make samples for your reference.

"Lemme get this straight - I'm going to send you clothes samples, and then in return you send ME clothes samples? This sounds dope."

Hope to establish a business relationship with you.
Thanks a lot..


"You're welcome a lot!"



"Thank you for this picture."

"Better get the stitching right on my Grumpy Cat overcoat, son!"

"I had reservations about establishing a business relationship with you until I saw this picture. Now I am sold."

Feel free to let me know if you have any enquiries.

"Oh so we're cool with the website, right?"

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: sir or madam

I must be doing something wrong if none of these spam emails can detect my masculinity through their computers. I am going to wear more cologne.

Attn:  Car Cleaners Detailing - Mesa, AZ - Peoriatimes.com

You have correctly identified our newspaper's website - peoriatimes.com - as a car cleaner that does detailing. In Mesa. This is reassuring, since we were originally, back in 1978, concerned the name "Peoria Times" might lead people to believe we were a newspaper in Peoria that DIDN'T do car detailing in Mesa. WHEW.

To: The Director,

That would be me. I direct all car detailing here. And write a humor column.

Our company is specialized in Multi-Function Jump Starter. 

OK. Hey, I just thought of a cool name for your company that exemplifies everything you're about: Peoria Times.

It is a good partner of the car, car owners are also motorists essential artifact.

This sentence reads like you found a bunch of words on the side of the road and decided to line them up single file. From what I can gather, these are the major points this non-sentence is trying to make:

  • Essential parts of the car are also partners with the car. Kind of like how my wife and I are partners if my wife was my spleen.
  • Car owners are also motorists. I can't argue with this, and I'm glad someone finally had the guts to say it.
  • These first two points are as essential to basic truth as a dinosaur fossil. Makes sense.

Jump Starter has very wide range application the following:

1. Start car.


I don't believe for one second that your jump starter starts cars. Prove it.



I stand corrected. True story: One time I tried to jump start a car without making "sure at least 3 LED light are bright," and I killed a guy. (Not true.)

2. Support charge car, laptop, ipad, phone, slr, PSV, DV, etc.

Just to be clear, I'd like to go over, again, the various things your car jump starter can charge besides the car:

  • charge car No idea what that is. A remote-controlled car? OK.
  • laptop Those usually come with their own chargers but yeah, sure, I think using jumper cables to charge a laptop would be cool and normal.
  • ipad Ditto
  • phone Landlines, too, I will assume. Wonderful.
  • slr ?
  • PSV ??
  • DV ??????????????????????????????????????

I'm sorry - I am confused about all this. Is there a food chain-type diagram you can provide that will show in layman's terms what you're talking about here?




According to this diagram, the jump starter is the sun around which the planets of technology revolve? I don't know if that's accurate, but this is without a doubt the greatest diagram ever created.

If you like know more info about Jump Starter, We’ll be happy to offer more and support you step by step.

I will like know more info. How many steps are there on the ladder of jump starter discovery?

Cathy [gcgcsc3@gcgcsc3.easync.cn]

Cool email address, Cathy.

So I never ordered the jump starter but I asked Cathy out on a date. I wore too much cologne to let her know I was def a sir and Cathy was like:


I guess you could say I didn't jump start the relationship.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

‘You can’t clock a toilet’ and other disputable facts

It’s cute the way kids talk. Until it isn’t.

A speech therapist mom and writer dad, we work in words all day long, and as such, our girls are far less likely than most kids their age to get away with poor speech. I mean, we’re not over the top—we’re not using flashcards like Rick Moranis in Parenthood—we just feel as though they’re at the age now where it’s important for them to pronounce things correctly. Ya’ know, to learn and stuff.

Which is fine … until they manage to drag you down with them into the abyss of meaninglessness.

They say pick your battles as a parent, and it’s true. It’s not that I pick the wrong battles—although I do—it’s that, once engaged, I get strung along on an adventure that is so far away from the initial point I was trying to make, I end up alone and left for dead on the island of confusion. If I didn’t know better—although I don’t—I’d say they do this intentionally. To wit:

Me: Anything exciting happen at school today, girls?

Girl 2: Marley at school said the toilets were clocked.

Me: That’s a great story. (debating whether or not to even bother) (voice in head screaming “DON’T BOTHER”) (decide I shouldn’t bother) (can’t help it) And it’s not “clocked,” it’s “clogged.”

Girl 2: Yep. The toilets were clocked.

Me: Honey, it’s not “clocked.” It’s “clogged.” You can’t clock a toilet.

Girl 1: It was, Dad! I sawl it!

Me: OK first of all, it’s “saw,” not “sawl.” I don’t know how many times we have to go over this. Second of all, I’m not saying Marley was wrong about the toilets being clocked; I’m say—wait …

Girls: (in unison) SEE, DAD? (start giggling)

Me: Ugh! You girls get me so flustered. What I was saying was, I’m not saying Marley was wrong about the toilets being CLOGGED—I’m sayi—

Girl 1: DAD DAD DAD, can we watch “Wild Cracks” when we get home?

Me: Oh my GOODNESS. I’m in the middle of talking here! Do we really need to have the interruption conversation again? Sheesh. And for the millionth time, it’s not “Wild Cracks,” it’s “Wild Krats.” Ts, Ts. Like cats.

Girl 2: One time I sawl cats at school tomorrow.

Me: You can’t even be serious right now. I don’t even know where to start with th—

Girl 1: Dad, the way you clock a toilet is with poo. I know that for a fact.

Me: IT’S NOT CLOCK IT’S CLOG! CLOG CLOG CLOG!

Girls: (start crying)

Me: OK, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. It’s just that I’m trying to get you girls to listen to what I’m saying. You need to speak the right way or people aren’t going to know what you’re talking about. A clock tells time; a toilet gets clogged. It’s not, “I sawl it;” it’s “I saw it.” Like a see-saw. You’re not going to want to be in first grade sounding like you’re 2 years old, right? Are you guys listening?

Girl 1: Dad?

Me: Yes?

Girl 1: So are we gonna watch “Wild Cracks” or what?


 "And I discovered the 'cats' she spoke of earlier were actually bagels. Other than that, I think she's ready for Kindergarten."

Note: This column appears in the 10/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/24 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FUND

I have a fund? I have fund. I HAVE A FUND!

My Dear,

I am Miss.Faith Okeke a Computer IT with central bank of Nigeria.


Good ol' "Mississippi" Faith Okeke - the Nigerian computer tech with a no-nonsense approach that belies her Southern charm. Coming to CBS this fall.

I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N.

I mean C.B.N. And now.

I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED,

Whew! That's a relief. Had my file marked XXX and disk painted GREEN made it to Nigeria, I would be very, very concerned. Phone calls would have to be made. Diplomatic relations compromised.

I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you.

Hmmm. That's annoying. When you almost pay a certificate you expect a fund release. That's just common courtesy. One would think I'd be aware of the fund not being released on account of not having a fund, but this is all news to me.

The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you, instead they let you spend money unnecessarily.

Earlier I was annoyed, but now I am really annoyed. I am going to send them an amount of money so exorbitant it will make them RUE THE DAY they caused me to spend frivolously.

I do not intend to work here all the days of my life,

I sense a change in theme here. Can we get back to talking about my fund?

I can release this fund to you

Thank you.

if you can certify me of my security, and how I can run away from this Nigeria if I do this, because if I don't run away from this country after i made the transfer, I will be seriously in trouble and my life will be in danger.

Isn't it just like "Mississippi" Faith Okeke to put her life on the line for me, a person she doesn't even know except for what she saw on my RED-X tape, which, if I remember correctly, was three hours of me trying and failing to make gnocchi from scratch.

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria, you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.

Don't use a mafia analogy and then tell me I wouldn't understand. I'm from New Jersey.

Speaking of New Jersey, shout out to Naughty by Nature:

If you ain't ever been to Nigeria
Don't ever come to Nigeria
Cause you wouldn't understand Nigeria
So stay the BLEEP out of Nigeria

 - "Mississippi" Treach

The only thing I will need to release this fund is a special HARD DISK

This is becoming very "that's what she said." You may not understand because you're not American and/or 11 years old.

we call it HD120 GIG.

This is some James Bond type ish right here. Even if our correspondence were to be intercepted by the Nigerian mafia, I am confident they would be unable to crack our complex HARD DISK code, and would have no idea how many gigs are in the HD120 GIG. So let's do this. How does this work?

I will buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, punch the computer

Please don't punch the computer. The computer is innocent. Actually, you know what? Punch the computer. I don't care.

to reflect in your bank within 24 banking hours. I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file, after which I will run away from Nigeria to meet with you. If you are interested.

Are you ... asking me out? Let's just say my HARD DISK just went up to 150 GIGs, if you know what I'm saying. You may not unders-

Do get in touch with me immediately,You should send to me your convenient tell/fax numbers for easy communications and also re confirm your banking details,

Yes, let us communicate by fax for easy communications. The fax will be the easiest way. I just faxed you two things: a) my bank routing number and b) a picture of my fist to threaten your computer with if it asks you ONE MORE TIME to re-confirm my banking details, sheesh.

For phone conversation,please call me on +2348052520211

(pleasant woman's voice) Hello! You have reached the voicemail of the Nigerian mafia I mean C.B.N. If you know your party's extension, please dial it anytime. To obtain a certified copy of your personal HARD DISK, press 1 for RED, 2 for GREEN. If your personal HARD DISK is YELLOW, please hang up and dial 911. For Skip Allen, press 3. For Christian "the Nigerian Nightmare" Okoye, press 4. For "Mississippi" Faith Okeke, press 5. For all other calls, please fax us your bank account and routing number. It's the easiest way.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Christian Louboutin Bargain Sales

Let's do this.

www.myliving123.com

Welcome to christian louboutin outlet, be in the front of fashion, Christian Louboutin shoes are welcomed.Christian Louboutin shoes are the shoes stylish women deserve to own.

Being stylish in itself is what earns a woman the right to have Christian Louboutin shoes, which are also stylish. And welcomed? Theoretically, a woman who punches puppies in their little puppy faces but who is also stylish *deserves* Christian Louboutin shoes. I hope the women of third world countries can rest easy tonight knowing the reason they don't have nice, expensive shoes is because they don't deserve them because they aren't stylish. So far, this email has its finger on the pulse of virtue and basic morality.

ANYWAY, I know nothing about women and have been fooled by emails before. Do you have photographic evidence that Christian Louboutin shoes are truly something women like?




This montage of crap is very helpful. Let's break it down:


SWIMMIN' IN LOUBOUTIN SHOES
YA'LL GOT THE NO-BOUTIN BLUES - Kanye West, prolly

MY FAVORITE PAIR OF LOUBOUTIN SHOES ARE THIS BAG

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? #SHOES

WE'RE NOT RACIST, BLACK WOMEN EAT OUR SHOES TOO

Even though the price of Christian Louboutin shoes isn't cheap at all, a pair of Christian
Louboutin can accompany with you for a long beautiful time.

ODE TO CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN SHOES

You were not cheap
Like at all
But you have accompanied me on this long journey of life
Through the bad times
Like at that funeral
(I looked great)
And at that club where that hot guy bought me three vodka tonics
The time with you has been as long as it's been beautiful
Your heel never broke, even when my broken heart never healed
Christian Louboutin shoes, I deserve you
And you me 
Only now I realize 
The footprints on the beach were yours this whole time 
xoxoxo


Besides, Christian Louboutin shoes are much cheaper if you know how to buy them online.Christian Louboutin Outlet are designed for women who crave for fashion.

Do you have any emails designed for women who crave English?

Whether you want to find trend shoes out for dating or shoes for holidays

Oh these old things? These are just my black and white MLK Day Christian Louboutin shoes to represent racial equality. I see you're wearing ... are those sandals? How pleasantly pedestrian.

or send them as a gift to girlfriend or your mother,

I can't buy my wife an Old Navy t-shirt without her finding a reason to return it, but yes - maybe I, 36-year-old straight man, should buy Christian Louboutin shoes FOR MY MOTHER.

Christian Louboutin shoes can satisfy you.

Like chicken soup for the soul. A dark, dark, disturbed soul.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Scared snap-less? Seatbelt strategy stymied

When we embarked on a family drive to my grandparent’s house when I was young, we would pass this large building. There was no signage out front, and I was always curious as to what the building was. One day, as my dad drove us all to Mum and Pop’s, we inevitably passed it, and I finally asked my dad about the building.

My dad, while spying me through his rearview mirror said, “Oh, that? That’s the Seatbelt Federation building. They monitor which kids are wearing their seatbelts in the passing cars, so if I were you, I’d get mine on LIKE I TOLD YOU WHEN WE LEFT THE HOUSE.”

I couldn’t get my seatbelt on fast enough. I’d like to say it was my childlike naïveté and not sheer idiocy that spurred me to action, but I’m pretty sure I was a teenager before I realized it was really a professional building that rented office space.

Fast forward some 30 odd years, to my daily routine of strapping two girls into their car seats. They’re both at the age now where they want to do everything on their own, never more so than during this process. “DAD, stop! I can do this!” Our oldest can, in fact, strap herself in; our youngest has only exhibited the ability to occasionally accomplish this feat, so I’ve taken to buckling her in but allowing her to snap the breastplate. This has been a happy compromise which has caused me to feel like a great father, if only for a few seconds.

Besides demanding they strap themselves in, they’re also questioning why they need to be secured in the first place. Knowing that delving into the topic of car accidents will only lead to deeper questions about death and Heaven, I’ve responded by telling them that if the police were to catch them without their seatbelts, I would get arrested and have to go to jail and eat scorpions. (Years ago, while trying to manage some behavior that I can’t even remember but for which my wife and I may or may not have led our daughter to believe could result in hard time, we informed our oldest that the only available cuisine in jail is dead scorpions.) Unlike my father’s tactic with me, I believe this information has intrigued the girls more than it has scared them straight.

Last week I was driving them home from school after the usual routine of allowing the girls to strap themselves in. For some reason—likely because I was juggling “Frozen”-themed backpacks and multiple construction paper projects while trying to field questions about why we can’t immediately go swimming—I neglected to ensure our youngest had properly snapped her breastplate.

At a red light about five minutes into our drive home, on realizing her sister was not properly strapped in, our oldest pounced on exposing the misdeed. “DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD SHE DIDN’T SNAP IT SHE DIDN’T SNAP IT!” This was not panic out of urgency for her sister’s safety, by the way, but unhinged excitement at the thought of her sister being in trouble.

I quickly turned around, snapped the breastplate and, while taking my fair share of culpability, delved into lessons about trust, danger, and responsibility.

At the next red light, I turned around to see if either of them had absorbed anything I had been saying. They hadn’t, of course, best evidenced by the super-intense glare of our oldest out the opposite-side window. “What are you looking at?” I asked as I turned to see for myself.

It was a police car waiting in the lane right next to us. By the time I turned back around, our oldest was flailing her arms, furiously trying to get the officer’s attention while also pointing at her sister and yelling, “ARREST HER! ARREST HER! SHE WASN’T STRAPPED IN! CAN YOU HEAR ME? ARREST HER!”

Thank God the windows were closed and the light turned green before she actually got the officer’s attention and started lobbying for my arrest, too. Yet again, trying to implement a parenting strategy of yore backfired.

Oh well. Nothing left to do now but fess up to the Seatbelt Federation, which I did in a formal letter. Waiting to hear back.

Note: This column appears in the 10/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/17 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re

I hate you.

Hello!

Hello!

I hope you don't mind me contacting you.

Not at all, Dmitriy Golovin [nikogdin@yandex.ru]! I am just sitting here at my full-time job for which I have a laundry list of daily responsibilities that - let's be honest - can wait while I open this email regarding nothing that was sent to me by a robot with a misspelled name that is at at odds with the BS email address for which it's associated.

What's good, Dmitriy?

I enjoy collecting souvenirs from various corners of the wide world and this has turned into a hobby.

OK. This is good for me to know. I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU DMITRIY. I wish you a long, fruitful existence of caressing your souvenirs lovingly when you are not busy sending out emails to random people about how much you love your souvenirs. Is it OK if I get back to work no-

I was hoping that you would be kind and send me a little something.

Uhhh

I have received gifts from all over the world, including handles,

???

Dear Dmitriy,

Thank you for reaching out to me via email. I am thrilled to participate in your affection for worldwide souvenirs. Within this package you will find one of our country's famous handles. We are renown for using handles to carry things, and I don't think I'm being immodest to say that our country's handles are by far the best handles you can find anywhere in the world. I ripped this one off my mother's luggage, which she won on our country's version of "The Price is Right." (Here it is called "How Much For Everyday Thing, Prisoner?") Please enjoy and stay bless.

Love always,

Pooty Tang, South Americaland


badges, charms, coins, souvenirs with symbols of cities and countries.

Before I decide whether or not to grant your request, tell me, Dmitriy - how do all of these things make you feel?

It makes me very happy.

OK.

I would be very pleased if you would take the time to send me a small souvenir from a remarkable placeand.

We have so many remarkable placeands here near Phoenix, Arizona, it's going to be a real challenge to decide what to send Dmitriy! Maybe I will just send him the official badge of Arizona, which is Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Steven Seagal standing on top of a border fence while holding guns in the air under the caption "DON'T TREAD ON US." It's very beautiful, and all I have to do to get one is join their posse for a time period not to exceed six years.

Excuse me if for some reason you get my letter again.

"Forgive those who are redundant in their efforts to gain worldwide souvenirs." - 11th commandment

Thank you for taking the time to read my email, I would be very grateful if you would be able to help me.

Kind regards

Dmitriy.


Thank you for your kind regards, Dmitriy, and it's been my pleasure to read this email. Now, what is your address so I know where to send the Steven Seagal badge?

My address
Golovin Dmitriy


Your indecision regarding which of your names comes first will allow me to pay the postage on this with confidence.

455000,
Russia,
Magnitogorsk,
str. Uralskay 8/1-19


Hmmm, not seeing a zip code there. Thankfully, my full-time job affords me certain mailing-related advantages. So let me just run this through my trusty address confirmation machine and se- (large explosion that can be seen from outer space)

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Congratulations!! Your Payment Is Ready (States Federal Reserve)

I wasn't expecting a payment, but the double exclamation points on this congratulatory email from the federal government speak to the legitimacy of my situation. I have butterflies of excitement in my tummy.

FOREIGN TRANSFER DEPARTMENT
UNITED STATES FEDERAL RESERVE
2012/2014 FRAUD VICTIMS REF/PAYMENTS CODE:FRB/00546
Date:- 22/09/2014


Totally real department of the government? Check
I'm a fraud victim? Check?
Payment code? Check.
Recent date written almost accurately? Check.

This all checks out.

Attention:- Beneficiary,

Call me Mike.

It has come to our notice that you have been defrauded of your hard earned money by fraudsters from Africa and the rest of the world.

DANG AFRICAN FRAUDSTERS! (shakes fist to the sky) Welp, at least justice is being served, even if there is no detail regarding exactly how the fraudsters have been defrauding me of my hard-earned money so that maybe I can adjust my spending. Whatevs. Point is that: haters goin' hate; fraudsters goin' defraud.

(Shout out to "the rest of the world" for playing second fiddle to Africa. In the game of worldwide defrauding, it's Africa versus the field, and Africa is #winning.)

During the last Anti-Fraud meeting held in Washington DC USA,

LOL

it was alarmed so much by the rest of the world on the loss of fund by various foreigners to scam artists operating all over the world today.

Is there no such thing as a spam email editor? I mean really guys. Let me get this straight though:

During the last anti-fraud meeting (not a real thing), the rest of the world was alarmed by how many foreigners (how do we define "foreigners" in a worldwide context?) are being scammed by the rest of the world? Yes? OK, got it.

After the meeting, we have decided to redeem the good image of African Countries,Therefore,an immediate payment of $10,500,000.00USD (Ten Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) has been ordered for each of the affected victims.

United Nations: Africa, what's the deal, yo? Your fraudsters keep stealing money from everyone.

Africa: What? Pffft. Naaaah.

United Nations: Africaaaa ... ?

Africa: ...

United Nations: ...

Africa: OK fine we did it.

United Nations: We think you should give back the money.

Africa: OK. But only to redeem our good image, NOT because we don't like money.

United Nations: Wonderful. How much per person, so that we can alert the affected parties via email?

Africa: (punching numbers into calculator) Uhhh ... $10.5 million each.

United Nations: Seems fair.

Fill the required information below so that we can start processing the release of your funds.

1-A Copy Of Your Identity

Media pass to 2008 spring training games attached.

2-Current Home Address For Delivery

Beneficiary
8675309 Boner Road
Rest of the World, Earth 12345

3-Date Of Birth

31/2/1978

4-Occupation

Fraudster Publications Manager

In this
regards,You are to contact the Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Mrs Janet Yellen on her private email so as to attend to your email response swiftly: (jan.yellen@aol.com).


OK, I will email all of my personal info to the vice chairman of the federal reserve at her AOL account. I normally wouldn't do this, but some causes - in this case, restoring Africa's image (and also me getting $10.5 million) - transcend "gut feelings." Besides, those are just butterflies.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Purchase

Seems like this person would like to purchase a newspaper subscription. I can help with that.

Hello,
My name is Jeff Wilson and i will like to know if you carry (SPRINKLERS) for sale.


I have three things to say, Jeff Wilson:

1) wtf this is a newspaper, get a hold of yourself, man.
2) I'm not sure you understand how to use parenthesis.
3) Yes, we do.

If yes , reply me back with your website so that i can select the one that am interested in purchasing from your company

Have you tried Googling "SPRINKLERS?" It is likely a more efficient means of attaining SPRINKLERS than emailing the publication manager at a weekly community newspaper, especially considering newspapers and SPRINKLERS have had a long adversarial history. That said, our website is https://newspaperSPRINKLERS-select-your-favorite-one-by-checking-this-website.edu.

also i will recommend a freight company for the picked up.

Geez dude how many SPRINKLERS do you need? J/k I will send the SPRINKLERS via your recommended SPRINKLER courier service. How about UPS(PRINKLERS)*?

*that is how you use parenthesis**
**you just got served

Thank You
Jeff...


You're welcome, Jeff Ellipses.

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Travel alerts from the mother of all watchdogs

When you’re trying to book travel online, you can always use a little help.

Why? Because booking travel online is not easy. There are 78 different sites you can use to get the same exact flight information, or you can just use Kayak.com, which will do all of that redundant work for you. Press enter on Kayak, DUCK, and hope the carnival of pop-up boxes that emerge does not crash your hard drive. Then, sift through all of them one-by-one only to discover they are all the same exact flights and price.

Or, use Priceline, and utilize the “name your price” option. I mean, when has naming your own price for something ever NOT worked? If there’s anything more fun than booking travel online, it’s spending inordinate amounts of time and energy getting in a bidding war arranged by William Shatner based on the .001 percent chance you’ll spend $5 less than if you had just blindly chosen one of Kayak’s pop-up boxes.

Luckily, there are tricks to the trade. All you have to do is ask a seasoned travel veteran. Like my mom, who travels at least once a year. Her trick of the trade? It’s a secret, so don’t tell anyone. Promise not to tell anyone? Pinky swear? OK. The secret is … (looks around to make sure no one is watching) … Tuesday.

Tuesday is the day to book flights online. It’s the one day of the week the airline industry is not aware of. What, you booked on a Thursday? Pffft. You probably paid triple. Legend has it (the legend is my mom) that my Uncle Mike once booked a flight from Charleston, SC to JFK for $17.50 on an overcast Tuesday back in ’06.

Everyone is asleep at the wheel on Tuesdays, so take advantage. Even when my mom is not preparing to travel, which is 99 percent of the time, she is closely monitoring Tuesday flight deals. I received this text from my mom last—you guessed it—Tuesday:

“Hey Mike, I was just on airfare watchdog”—quick interjection to note my mom uses something called airfare watchdog; I picture her in a dark room wearing a headset and monitoring the prices of flights my dad will refuse to go on because he “threw out his back”—“and saw flights Newark to Phoenix for $319 good till March.”

My immediate thoughts were: a) I am not in Newark and b) although this deal isn’t too good to be true, it’s still probably not true. Thankfully, she followed up:

“I didn’t check out the fine print so it may not be a good deal.”

Had I the time to research this deal that was not applicable to my whereabouts, it would have undoubtedly specified “good till March 2008.” My mom and fine print have had a rather turbulent relationship over the years, mostly due to the former ignoring the latter.

As if she knew I was neglecting to look into her deals, my mom then, the following—I am not kidding—Tuesday, emailed me the same deal. This time I felt obliged to look into it. I clicked on the link and airfare watchdog popped up with the salutation, “Welcome, Judy!” and, besides the flight info, featured a list of hotels I might like to stay at during my trip to Phoenix.

I responded, “Mom, thanks. But this is Newark to Phoenix - not the other way around. It also excludes Friday and Sunday travel and is literally only valid for one week in mid December and Jan. 6 to Feb. 11, 2015.”

She responded, “OK thanks, I wasn’t sure if it was like that - a different price coming the other way.”

To which I replied, in my head, “?????” But she wasn’t finished, since she had more helpful advice.

“I just read something that said the weekends are actually the best days to book.”

I don’t know what to believe anymore. But I did make a reservation at the Hampton Inn Phoenix. Should be fun.


Note: This column appears in the 10/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/10 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, October 03, 2014

Spam email of the week

This message was sent with high importance.

What can be so important at this ungodly hour (12:26 p.m.)?

Subject: Nice guy/Kashmire White can be offered again

It's arguable that nothing in my life up to this point has been AS important as this. I am ready.

From: connie-wei [connie-wei@vip.163.com]

Please proceed, Connie hyphen Wei.

I'm willing for you!

Whoa, Connie hyphen Wei! Slow your roll there, sugarlips. First, I am married. Second, I only came here with the honest intention of acquiring some kashmire white. Remember - I am a nice guy.

Good day to you, o(≧v≦)o~~

Yes, if that bonkers emoticon is not a dead giveway, this is the same "company" that, a few weeks back, sold me some dope slabs. For all the slab work I do. Since the Wuhan Co. and I have a history of doing business together, I am going to hear them out, OK? OK.

How are you doing?

I am doing good, Connie hyphen Wei. Prettaay, prettaaaay, prettaaaaaaaaay good.

Here is a good news for you.

And here is a second grade-level worksheet on sentence structure for YOU. I am ready for the good news.

Since the  material original problem, Kashmire White can be not offered in previous months,

Hold up - Wuhan experienced problems with their kashmire white, too? Dang, who's running the ops o'er there - CONGRESS? Ha, ha, j/k Wuhan. #Congressburn #topicalreference

and from last month on this beautiful material can be continuously offered  again. For countertops, floorling or other indoor out door decoration, it is really a very nice choice. Then much willing to share our Kashmire White details with you.

Stop. You had me at "it is really a very nice choice." (Hyberbole much? LOL.) I am interested to know, however, how this deal influences my flooring and countertops. I feel like maybe I think kashmire white is a different thing than YOU think it is. I think it is a terribly misspelled reference to the fine, soft fiber obtained from goat hair that is used to make expensive cardigans. Your turn.



OK I think I was off. This kashmire white looks suspiciously like the slabs I just ordered from you guys.



This is a beautiful reenactment of the life cycle of kashmire white slabbery. First, kashmire white is just a cluster of cells living in its mom's belly. But before you know it, it's a full grown countertop on which a bowl of plastic fruit can rest comfortably. Then, it's shipped to the warehouse? Finally it dies a lonely death on a cold, hard industrial dolly.



wtf

I mean, YES, it is a good news for me, of course! My feedback on Kashmire White with Connie is that it would be the perfect name for a QVC show. Also, the highness of importance with which this message was sent has proven to be warranted, understated even. Thank you for everything, Connie hyphen Wei. You saved my life.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: HELP ME LIKE YOUR SISTER

This could mean a number of things:

1) Someone who does not like my sister is emailing me to assist them in liking her. If so, allow me to say that my sister is nice, and you should like her because she is nice. Both of them. I have two sisters. They are married though, so if you are trying to like her like her, please do not because she doesn't need that drama. Because she is a bitch. Both of them.

2) Someone is urging me to help them in that same way in which I once helped my sister, which a) how did you know I had to bail my sister out of jail for assaulting a Denny's waitress? and b) OK, I will. (c) I won't.)

3) Someone wants me to help them as if I would help, theoretically, a sister, and by this they could mean a biological sister; a nun; or a sister in Christ because they are about to go into detail about how Christian they are in this awful email that is trying to spam me and ruin my entire life.

Let's see ...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Mrs. Anna Guth from Australia.


G'day, mate! You call that a knife? Australian for beer. Kangaroos. Ha ha ... these are just jokes I thought of. Just joshin' ya', Mrs. Guth. Hope all is well with you.

I am 68 years old, I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast.

This fake person got cancer in her breast
Don't ask me why I'm m**** f***** stressed
Things done changed


My Husband (Tom Guth) died in a motor accident before his death we were true Christians. 

Since his death, he has converted to Scientology, and I to Fake Christianity, for which I have a popular Twitter handle, @FakeChristian.

Was there a cycle involved in Tom Guth's motor accident? If not, sad to hear he became another statistic in the motor epidemic. Let us, once and for all, learn from Tom Guth to stop touching stray motors. #MotorSafety #RIPTomGuth

Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $5.6 million dollars wishes .

All Tom Guth left you was $5.6 million worth of wishes? You should have remarried.

And the best part of it is

This is not sarcasm, even though everything we've read thus far has been terrible.

the paying bank told me in the letter that they can have the funds released to my approved person that was authorized by me or transferred to his bank account and if outside their country then transferred to his or her bank account.

The point of all spam email is not that I am the approved person to withdraw millions of dollars from this foreign bank - of course I am - it's how it all came to be. The beauty is in the journey.

Presently, am using my laptop in the hospital at in London where I have been undergoing treatment for my sickness.

Thank you. "From what country is Anna Guth hospital-laptopping her way into my heart?" was the lone, nagging question I've had while reading this email. I am good now.

I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only more 2 months to live. It is my last wish to see at least 60% of this money is donated/ invested to any organization/business of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization.

Doctors: Mrs. Guth, I am sorry to inform you that you only have two months to live. Bad day, mate.

Mrs. Guth: (with sign language) I have one last dying wish.

Doctors: OK, but we're just doct-

Mrs. Guth: Remember the $5.6 million worth of wishes I deposited in the wish bank?

Doctors: Uh, no. Also, what? Again, we don-

Mrs. Guth: Please make sure Mike Kenny of Arizona gets 60 percent of that wish money so he can invest it in any organization of his choice.

Doctors: How about The Make A Wish Found-

Mrs. Guth: It's not your choice, a$$holes. It's his.

Doctors: You know what? Here's a laptop. Go nuts.

I seek for is a God fearing person like you ,who will carry out my last wishes and before I emailed you today I prayed and the holy spirit gave me the confidence to send you this email.

It would have helped if you had also asked for intercession from Our Lady of Confident Email Sending, which just happens to be the name of my old grammar school.

I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I will give you the contact of the paying bank.

I, too, will pray for confidence in sending my reply because writing emails gives me the runs. Once I receive the blessing, I will reply to the address from wence this email came, which is info@safakcatering.com. That is cool that, despite everything outlined above, you are also an admin for a Middle Eastern catering business. Do I inherit that, too? I like gyros.

You can contact me on my email: annaguth147@gmail.com

Oh OK. That makes more sense.

Waiting for your responds

That doesn't.

Yours faithfully
Mrs. Anna Guth


I just went back and sung to myself the entire content of this email to the tune of Journey's "Faithfully," and if you think I'm kidding, you don't know me. As always, I am at work.