Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Subscriber feedback jamboree 2014

It’s been more than a year since we last checked in with you, our loyal subscribers, to see how you’re enjoying or not enjoying our newspaper. So, let’s do that, OK? OK.

As a refresher, our renewal notices include two sections: “I like The Glendale Star/Peoria Times because:” and “If I could change The Star/Times I would:” Let’s first examine what you all have enjoyed so far. I am changing all of your names to something ridiculous so nobody sues me for defamation and because it is fun.

Let’s start with Mertha Klonk, who likes the Times because: “I enjoy hearing our local news. It’s also good to hear of the problem areas in our town. Please continue the newsletter.” Thank you, Mertha. And great timing, too, as we were just about to cancel our newsletter before we got your note. In fact, we’ve decided to go in the other direction and start a newspaper. Wish us luck!

Mertha adds in the payment section, “Mike said he would OK a 2-yr senior citizen for $30.” Ha, ha … Mike says a lot of things. You owe us $5. Just kidding, Mertha Klonk!

It’s become quite apparent that many of you like our newspaper mostly because we are not another newspaper. Take Rory Harkenbush (please! Just kidding, Rory): “Offers local news not always printed in NW section of Republic.” I do not know of which publication you speak, but OK.

Gil McGritts? “It is NOT like the Arizona Republic! (a bleeding heart liberal newspaper)” Thank you? Also, if your newspaper is bleeding, it should probably see a doctor.

Speaking of politics, Bob Sacamano, though he likes the The Star, would make a small change: “Include ‘conservative’ opinion columns from Ann Coulter and/or Thomas Sowell/ Rush Limbaugh? To effect a little balance to the fairyland ‘liberal’ brainwash of the rest of the media.” I’d like to say we are above such brainwashing tactics, but the first letter of every paragraph in this very issue reads “OBAMA THIRD TERM” on a loop. Our bad. And I will take your advice re: Ann Coulter. We could use another humor column.

Now, what else could we improve? Loretta Strickland has an idea: “I would have a special section for the present generation as to what is good and what is not.” Hmmm … I like it. Kids these days have no clue, and a special section outlining basic moral principles is what should get them on the right track. For example, “Good: hugs; Not good: pushing people down stairs.” Eventually our newspaper will replace school, saving tax dollars in the process. Thanks, Loretta!

How about you, Dr. Fred Finkel? “CANCIL” Come again? (checks bottom portion of renewal notice) “CANCIL” Hmmm. I believe this is French for, “You’re doing great; my renewal is in a separate envelope.” Thanks, Dr. Fred—we will keep up the great work.

Now, besides adding to our awesomeness, is there anything you all truly don’t like about our paper? Something you wish would go away? I doubt it, but let’s see what Claire Understudy thinks. “Remove the self-indulgent column by Mike Kenny and replace it with interviews with interesting Glendale residents.”

Hold up, Claire—are you calling columns about how I lost my sunglasses and about my adult acne self-indulgent? You know what … you’re right. Unfortunately my hands are tied. Literally. I am handcuffed to a keyboard and forced to write weird, irrelevant columns as a “The Producers”-esque means to sink this newspaper so the owners can collect insurance money. HELP! Also, duly noted.

In all seriousness, thank you all for being loyal subscribers and for your consistently helpful feedback. You are truly the straw that stirs our objective, non-partisan drink. Of words. I don’t know … that was a weird metaphor. Man, I AM the worst. Sorry!

Note: This column appears in the Oct. 2 issue of The Glendale Star and the Oct. 3 issue of the Peoria Times.

Facebook meme of the day


Guys, I know I usually write up these memes in ALL CAPS, but this is my first country livin'-themed meme, and I want to show some respect.

I want to first show some respect by pointing out a few things pertaining to this meme's general construction:

- The picture is hella blurry.
- The words are hella big and cover up Billie Joe's hat.
- What kind of hat is Billie Joe wearing?
- The lawn does not look like it requires mowing, much less a double-mowing.

Far be it from me to question the stylings of @COUNTRYTHANG; in fact, if the terrible construction of this meme is intended to stay true to the country livin' aesthetic -- "You know 'yer a redneck if your Internet memes be lookin' like this (shows this meme)." - Jeff Foxworthy -- consider this a job well done.

That said, the thesis of this meme is well received: Jobs like mowing your own lawn don't have to feel like work if your buddy Billie Joe is sitting on your riding mower while using a push mower, rendering your own mowing meaningless, which is another word for fun.

That is the thesis if that is, in fact, a riding mower. If it just an ATV - I cannot tell because again, this picture is hella blurry - the thesis is from Billie Joe's perspective: Jobs like mowing your own lawn don't have to feel like work if your buddy Cooter Earl swings by and lets you sit your lazy ass on his ATV as he chauffeurs you around the backyard, wasting precious gas and highlighting your own ineptitude and the sheer dimness of your future.

Either of these theses rest soley in the interest of country livin', which is the larger point here. I don't know how or why this is country livin' - possibly because East and West Coast coast folks largely consider lawn-mowing to be an unenjoyable and mostly solitary task? - but it is.

In fact, I fear this meme may not translate to non-country livin' folks. Here are some helpful analogies:

If you love helping people find their dream home by staying attentive to their needs and using your knowledge of the industry, then going to your job as a real estate agent feels like play.

If you love writing and the deep-seated thrill you get from writing something that others find funny/relatable/inspiring, then sitting at your keyboard for hours on end feels like play.

If you love mowing your lawn while sitting on top of another, different lawnmower, then mowing your lawn while sitting on another, different lawnmower feels like play.

Thank you, everyone, for coming by today for an examination of country livin' and also country thangs. Until next time.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: To:MR.subscribe,  LED Illuminated Signs,Lightbox supplier/manufacture---Greensail .posterboxes06@163.com

I'm sorry, Mr. Subscribe? I didn't graduate from five extra years of newspaper school to be called mister. It's Dr. Subscribe, thank you very much. That said, yes, of course I need a lightbox supplier.

Dear subscribe,

The name's Mr. Subscribe; Subscribe if you're nasty. So you must be nasty. That is good. Call me Mike though.

We got your information from Internet and knew you are interested in signs products.

Many people - and by "people" I mean "non-people" - seem to be getting my information from the Internet these days. Am I so transparent? Probs. I mean, it's like, pick a social media site where I'm NOT constantly yammering on about my interest in signs products. You can't. And so what? Sue me. I like signs products. So let's do this.

Take this opportunity, please let me introduce our highly welcomed with competitive price LED Light box.

I'm not certain an LED lightbox can be more adequately introduced than JUST THAT, but try me.

LED single side crystal litht box (A4 size just $33USD).

So far this introduction is perfect except for grossly misspelling the very thing you are introducing - this is the John Travolta of LED lightbox intros - and also the fact that: what are you even talking about?

LED snap frame light box, LED magnetic light box, LED acrylic light box, LED Letter Signs,

Yes but do you have any LED products? LOL J/K just a little #LEDhumor there. Seriously though, what I really need are EL hats, which is thing I just made up out of nowhere.

EL hats

Cool. T-shirts?

and T-shirts

T-shirts are my favorite kind of LED lightbox.

as well as other promotion products are very popular.

Nobody could ever doubt the popularity of your EL hats and LED T-shirts, two promotional products that are sweeping the nation, thanks in large part to the endorsement of Ashton Kutcher.

Kindly let us know by return mail. 

Let you know what? What is return mail?

Best regards,
Sharon


Where should I send my return mail, SHARON?

703, Xi Hua Yuan Building, No. 18 Zengcha Road, Baiyun Dist, Guangzhou, China

Indeed this bonkers address is synonymous with the name SHARON. Still ... (pulls back email curtain to reveal SHARON is a robot wearing a wig sitting in a chair at a computer) (robot SHARON shocked at being caught, turns to run but robot leg gets caught on chair, ripped off) (robot SHARON is now on fire, head falls off and robot body short circuits and falls to ground) ... and you want to be my lightbox supplier.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Payment Securement From Afghanistan

Say word.

Hello My Dear,

Hello ... Mom?

I am Gen. D. Rubben Brett,U.S. Army Officer, commanding the 3rd Battalion, 8th Marines Regiment(3/8) in Afghanistan.

Oh, OK. Got it. I forgot for a second that U.S. Army generals (who are also "officers" and who also command the Marines?) often use the very formal salutation of "Hello My Dear" when they email everyday civilians, which is a typical practice of the U.S. military. WELP, WE BE DONE OUR MILITARY EXERMACISES. BETTER EMAIL SOME RANDOMS.

ANYWAY, hello, General! Would it be inappropriate to note that your email so far is "Rubben" me the right way? Ha, ha ... I don't think it would, since nothing could surpass the inappropriateness of you emailing me in the first place. All bets are off. What's poppin'?

I apologize to encroach into your privacy in this manner.

Pffft. Encroach away, General. I am sitting here wearing only socks and underwear and scratching myself with a kitchen utensil, so I feel like I should be apologizing to you.

At this moment I want you to hold this top secret while helping me to secure my own share of money worth (US$50M) we recovered on our patrol in Garmis District, Helmand Province of Afghanistan which their so-called insiders are using to sponsor their terrorists and attack foreign troops by Afghan forces of insurgents in the Country.

You can trust me, General Rubben Brett LOL. I definitely can and should be entrusted with keeping secrets of national security. I am mad good at keeping secrets unless I am three beers deep and someone says, "C'mooooon." So if I can just avoid beer and other people for like ... how long do I have to do this?

We tried to set the money on fire but on the contrary,we decided to share the money among ourselves instead of losing all the money since we are being stormed here daily by the so-called insiders and we have been so lucky to have survived several suicide bombing just by pure divine intervention.

Gen. Rubben Brett, Officer, U.S. Army/Marines: We just found these piles of cash patrolling the Garmis District. As your commanding officer, I suggest we set this money on fire. Somebody light a match by my butt and I will fart on the money. (attempts to fart on money, does not work)

Major Dad, U.S. Coast Guard/Air Force: Hold up. Not to be rude, but this won't work. Money isn't flammable. Why don't we share it instead?

Gen. Rubben Brett, Officer, U.S. Army/Marines: Good idea. This money will shield us from suicide bombings.

Please view the following web-page to see how one of our colleagues was recently killed here.

http://news.yahoo.com/afghan-teenager-fatally-stabs-us-soldier-105007454.html


This true account of a terrible incident that has nothing to do with this email has completely legitimized this email.

I used my contact under diplomatic immunity to send the money in a security locked boxes through a Spanish based financial security company.I am expecting to get the fund out immediately to a safe hand so as to commit it to investment channel since i am working under military directives which do not allow me to engage in transfer process properly.

Los bancos españoles son mi especialidad. Debemos invertir en tacos.

I shall furnish you with more detailed information about this operation to put you proper in the picture of the transaction when I receive an affirmation of your  desire to participate.I need to assure you here this deal is 100% risk free as all measures has been taken to protect us from any breach of law.

I trust this assurance will hold up in MILITARY LAW COURT SVU when we are indicted on mutual counts of "breach of law." If not, my strategy will be to repeatedly yell, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE CODE RED" until someone kicks me out.

I am ready to  compensate you with a substantial amount from the above sum if only you will be honest to me,kindly reply me back with this e-mail address ( rubben.brett@krovatka.su ) for more details.

What do we have if not honesty, General/Officer Rubben D. Brett? I will reply you back at 1600 hours at your totes legit email address.

 Regards
Gen. D. Brett


"Where's the Rubben?"

- what I say while aimlessly looking for a massage parlor
- what I say now

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Bridge from adolescence to adulthood endless, filled with bumps

You know what’s great about being an adult? Still getting acne. Did I say great? I meant the worst.

I was raised to believe acne was relegated to adolescence, and this belief was affirmed during adolescence, which was not bereft of acne. Luckily for me, I attended an all-boys high school where nobody cared what you looked or smelled like. A friend of mine once popped a zit during class to make everyone laugh, and spent the rest of the day unapologetically walking around with a bloody, blotchy face. (There’s a chance that friend was me, can’t remember.)

But now I am 36. Thirty-six. And it’s still an issue. Certainly not the issue it was during the teenage years, when I would ask my sisters for their zit cream and go to bed with sporadic white spots on my face hoping all the zits would be gone when I woke up, although they never were because that cream did nothing. NOTHING I tell you!

Where was I? Oh yes, it remains an issue, albeit on a smaller scale. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating as, again, I was under the impression acne would not be a part of the laundry list of physical issues that accompany adulthood. It’s like, really, God? My back is sore, I have to get up twice a night to pee, the lady at Great Clips now asks me if I want her to “get my ears,” and now I suddenly have a mini colony of zits on the side of my head? Really?

What’s worse is … two things, actually. First, the acne is no longer relegated to just my face. In a strange twist of events, this has somehow made me more attractive to my wife, who derives a strange pleasure from “excavating” my back and shoulders. If any of you young men out there want to know what marriage is truly like, picture yourself slumped over the bathroom sink, your wife treating your back as her personal popping playground as you, pressed up against the mirror, decide now would be a good time to pluck your nose hairs.

Second, as you get older, acne comes with the added stress that maybe it’s not acne. The life cycle of a zit used to be pretty predictable, but these days they often remain stagnant, forcing me to yell at them, “What are you even doing! WHO ARE YOU?”

As a result—being an Irishman with fair skin and son to a father who has something removed from his face once every six months, and who can only go to the pool if he’s wearing a safari costume—I started seeing a dermatologist last year. I monitor closely now what’s happening, and if something emerges that I’m not quite sure is a zit, I will try and attain peace of mind by attempting to pop it, which produces positive results approximately zero percent of the time.

Anyway, my point is that getting old stinks, especially when you’ve somehow managed to retain the only negative of being young. And it’s not like I’m vain enough to use the flesh-colored zit makeup my wife gave me. Ha, ha, can you imagine? What? No, it’s definitely not in my pocket right now. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

OK listen, it’s just … this isn’t high school anymore, you know?

Note: This column appears in the 9/25 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/26 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Modern Business Form, ad. machine

Please fill out this modern business form to obtain your new ad machine*.

Question one:

What is your credit card number and expiration date and security code?

_____________________________________________________

-END OF MODERN BUSINESS FORM
*there is no ad machine

Hi friend,

Who are you?

From: Elva [sales9@cniwang.com]

Hi Elva.

To: Elva

I am also Elva? OK.

Greetings from Elva, China:-)

Elva, China is also a place? I am learning a lot about geography and me and Elva and nonsense.

This is Elva Xiao from iWANG Company Limited,

iWANG sounds like an Apple device specifically designed to send out dong pics. But when you add "Company Limited," it sounds legit, so I am on board with whatever is happening here.

who got your data on internet, sorry to disturb you a few minutes to read my presentation.

No trouble at all! My data is on the Internet for no other reason than for special moments like this. And according to the Internet data you have acquired, my name is Elva JUST LIKE YOU, which is totes correct. Everything you say is correct and good. In fact, let's run that sentence back in full, OK Elva? OK:

This is Elva Xiao from iWANG Company Limited, who got your data on internet, sorry to disturb you a few minutes to read my presentation.

Thank you, Elva, for everything. I am ready for the presentation.

iWANG focus on Ad.

Please stop the presentation. I don't need to read anything else. I want iWANG in my life. Why? Because iWANG focus on ad, that's why. End of story. What else is there to know? Nothing.

Actually? Let me read the rest of the presentation, just in case, because I was thinking that maybe I don't know what anything means.

Player and Digital Photo Frame with different sizes and series, there are a large of products on www.cniwang.com for your reference, you can visit it and let me know which item do you prefer, or tell me what's the main specification you are buying, so that I can help you accordingly.

Here are the bullet points you made to prepare for your presentation, Elva:

  • "iWANG focus on ad." start big, don't bury the lede
  • mention the website and how "there are a large of products on there," proofread for Acura see
  • say how you can visit the website (unlike other websites, which you can't visit; double-check that)
  • offer your help because instead of ordering ON the website, it's easier for humans to visit the website and then call me, Elva, a non-person, to talk about the website
  • end presentation with a wonderful expression of hope and gratitude that proves you have a strong grasp of the English language

Waiting for your comments with great thankful.

Honestly, it doesn't seem possible that this sentiment even exists. Am I dreaming? If I were you, I would ALSO be very skeptical that I've accurately recorded this spam email onto my blog. So here:


Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed another installment of "Spam email of the week." As ushe, I am waiting for your comments with great thankful. Love, Elva

p.s. I broke the ad machine trying to make an ad of my butt, which is why there is no ad machine. :/

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Vamo V5 kit mod on sale

Say word - the Vamo V5 kit mod be on sale, yo? You playin'.

Hi

'Sup.

Vamo v5 on sale.

You ain't playin'?

Best price and good qulity.

This Vamo V5 quilt be mad quilty
Such good qulity, got me feelin' guilty

From my new single, "Vamo V5," on sale now.

What's the price?

Price:$16

What it look like?



This is not a quilt.

Price:$24

I thought you said the price was $16?



I have no idea what this is. How soon can it be shipped out?

Goods can be shipped out soon.

Word.

Please feel free to contact me any further questions.

My only question is what the hell is this.

Best Regards, Danner

Peace out, Danner, catch you on the flip.

Oh snap, the flip be here. Got another dope message from my homeboy Danner:

Subject: Re:Original Mini Nautilus $15.5 in stock

What's that, like, a Nautilus for hamsters? You KNOW I keep my hamsters lookin' fit, y'all. Be Instagrammin' my fine lookin' hamsters. Hamstagram.

Hi

Stop playin', Danner. It's me, Mike.

We have Original Mini Nautilus$15.5 in stock.

And you know this, man. What it look like?


wth seriously

Goods can be shipped out tomorrow after payment received.

Oh now you need payment up front? Damn, you changed, Danner.

Please feel free to contact me any demand.

I demand you tell me what this is. J/k I'll take the Nautilus thingee. Holla back, youngin'.

Subject: Re:Dry Herb Titan 2 $33 on sale

You did NOT cop the Dry Herb Titan 2, did you? FOR REAL? I can't even.

Hi

You cray.

Titan 2 on sale:for dry herb and wax

No sh*t the Titan 2 is for dry herb and wax, Danner, dang! You think I don't know how to dry herb and wax myself? Whatchu think, I be usin' Titan 1? Pffffffft. Please.

What it look like though?


Is the ice sculpture included?


I understand this.

This nose hair trimmer be TIGHT, son!

Me: Yo, nose hair trimmer - cut my nose hairs.

Nose hair trimmer: (cuts nose hairs)

Me: Also, what's the temperature outside? FAHRENHEIT - DON'T BE PLAYIN'.

Nose hair trimmer: (reads "375 F")

Me: Won't be needin' my quilt then, I suppose.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The great pumpkin debate, solved

There’s been a great debate raging about pumpkins, and the debate is a worthwhile one. Because pumpkins have been creeping their way into everything over the past few years – coffee, pancakes, beer, hand soap, tacos maybe, edible underwear, and jewelry. That is the list. The reason for this is, I believe, two-fold.

First, Pinterest. There are just too many ideas on Pinterest that society keeps implementing, and it’s thwarted our concept of reality. Seasonal themes have been jammed down our throat to the point that nothing happens organically anymore. By the time you even realize it’s fall, you’re wearing pumpkin-themed oven mitts and holding a batch of pumpkin muffins for which your wife got the recipe on Pinterest. (Add muffins to the list.) Fun fact: If you search “pumpkins” on Pinterest, Pinterest will explode. It’s too much. Overkill.

Second, there’s a rush to fall. And hey, listen, I get it. Fall is my favorite season, too. But maybe let’s pump the brakes a bit. I’ve noticed this on a much higher level here in the Valley than I ever did back East, where fall actually exists. Here, it’s like we’re so darn excited to get away from summer that we WILL ourselves into fall waaaaay before it’s ready. And again, I get it. But the thing is, I am not drinking this pumpkin spiced latte right now. You know why? BECAUSE IT’S 107 DEGREES OUTSIDE.

(Another thing. I think we can all agree Sam Adams’ Octoberfest is a wonderful beer. But it shouldn’t be in stores Aug. 23. Again, a rush to fall.)

What’s important to note here is the pumpkin has a shelf life unlike any other seasonal fruit (vegetable? Whatever). It’s relevant for Halloween because of Jack-o-lanterns and it also signifies Thanksgiving because those mini pumpkins are in the cornucopias the Pilgrims gave to the Native Americans in return for teaching them how to harvest normal-size pumpkins. (#history)

So, implementing pumpkins too early is as unnecessary as it is harmful. People are getting sick of pumpkins, which has accounted for this pumpkin backlash. And this is unfortunate because pumpkins don’t deserve this.

What this really all boils down to is your affection, or lack thereof, for pumpkins. Personally, I think pumpkins are fantastic. Maybe you don’t like pumpkins, and that is OK, to be wrong. As such, I am on board, generally, with all of this, provided it’s all in due time. And, like everything, in moderation.

Like pumpkin pancakes. They are great, as long as there’s a hint of pumpkin and it doesn’t taste like I’m eating a condensed-into-a-flapjack pumpkin. The pumpkin already has texture issues - don't make it worse. Pumpkin spiced latte? Sure. Maybe once a week. Not every day. If you are drinking a pumpkin spiced latte every day, you are probably going to die of fall. Pumpkin beer? Please God, no. Stop with that. Stop with THIS. You can make a beer seasonal—see Octoberfest above—without making it literal. And disgusting. Stop.

So, in conclusion, pumpkins rule. But also, everybody – chill with it. Seriously.

Thank you.

"Today" is Sept. 13 and I am sitting by the pool, but OKAY?

Note: This column appears in the 9/18 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/19 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: FW: Once again stop contacting those people

OK?

Kind Attention:

(sits up in chair, salutes computer screen)

My name is Rev. John Anderson;

As evidenced by your email address, victor@karenhaynes.co.za. Tell me more about yourself, REVEREND.

I am a US citizen, 51 Years Old. My residential address is as follows. 5424 Pent ridge Street Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 19143-4126, United States of America,

I'm glad we're getting this all out of the way now. This is normal. I can do small talk, too. Watch: I live in the United States of America and was born with a cleft lip. Here is my social security number and blood type. So ... do you like rock n' roll?

I am one of those people that took part in receiving Inheritance funds and Lottery funds from African banks and European banks even from many lottery organizers few years ago and they refused to pay me,

Oh, you're one of THOSE people. I heard about that, and still find it hard to believe that the African and European banks that host inheritance lotteries did not prove true to their word. Africa especially has let us down, as that continent is rolling in money and can certainly afford to pay an honest reverend his fair share.

I had paid different fees or charges of over $85,000 while in the USA trying to get my funds from those banks and lottery organizers but all to no avail.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were being scammed.

So i decided to travel to WASHINGTON D.C USA with all my payment approval documents,and I was directed by the F.B.I. Director to contact a man called Mr. Stephen David Purchase, A BRITISH CITIZEN and a member of the UNITED NATIONS ORGANISATION (UNO) & INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUNDS (IMF) COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE currently staying in United - Kingdom. I contacted him in United Kingdom and he explained everything to me.

I just looked up this movie on IMDB and here is the cast:

Rev. John Anderson: Liam Neeson
Victor: Karen Haynes
FBI Director: Jon Voight
Mr. Stephen David Purchase: Mr. Bean
Evil African Bank Manager: Denzel Washington Madea

Mr. Stephen David Purchase personally directed me on how to successfully claim my Inheritance and Lottery payment from the paying bank and right now I am the happiest man on earth because I have now finally received my funds totaling US$ 6 Million (Six Million U.S Dollars).

Well, this has been a great story! Bravo on this email, reverend, which has brought a ray of sunshine to my otherwise dull day. Congratulations on your money, and mad props to Mr. Stephen David Purchase - no doubt a legit human - for helping you get there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get b-

Moreover Mr. Stephen David Purchase, showed me the full information of those people that are yet to receive their payments and I saw your names/your email address as one of the beneficiaries

O. M. G. LOOKS LIKE I PICKED THE RIGHT EMAIL ADDRESS WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR EMAIL. SIXMILLIONDOLLARMAN@BENEFICIARY.$$$

and that is why I decided to email you to stop dealing with those people because they are not with your funds but they are only making money out of you.

It's like I've been saying for years, "If they're not with your funds, they're not your friends." No doubt I have been contacting mad peeps about these funds that I literally just found out about, and now I understand why I've gotten nowhere and I've spent $85,000 in the process. Thank goodness for kind, real people like this fake-ass reverend and Mr. Purchase, whose name is EXACTLY WHAT IMMA DO when I get pizz-aid.

I will personally advise you to contact Mr. Stephen David Purchase in United-Kingdom immediately after reading this message. You have to contact him directly on this information below:

Contact Person: Mr. Stephen David Purchase
Contact Address: No. 285 Griffiths Drive Wolverhampton WV11 2JT United Kingdom.


Hold up - he lives in the United Kingdom?

eMail ID: mrstephendavid@gmail.com
Telephone Number: +44 702 406 8431


Why don't I just give you my phone number and Mr. Stephen Dav- ... honestly, do I have to say all three names every time? Is he one of THOSE people?

You really have to stop dealing with those people that are contacting you now telling you that your funds is with them because your funds is not in anyway with them, they are only taking advantage of you and they will dry you up until you have nothing left with you.

You saved my life, reverend. When my dry, withered financial body is refreshed by the flowing life of African-based beneficiary funds, I will float on a sea of money to the local Hallmark store and send you a card expressing my thanks. In the meantime, I only have one question: Should I stop contacting those people?

Once again stop contacting those people,

OK.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re; Foreign Supplies

I need supplies. What kind of supplies? Don't know, don't care. But they better not be from here. What am I going to tell my friends? Oh, these supplies came from Madison, Wisconsin? Please. Get out of my face with that mess. I have a reputation to uphold.

From: Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE [infohusbakur@aol.com]

Sure, why not.

Greetings!

Hello.

We the Bahrain Tender Board is interested in business cooperation with you/company.

This is Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE at the bar:

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Greetings! My tender board is interested in cooperation with you ... or your company (nods head toward friend).

Girl: (slaps Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE, walks away) 

(different girl sits down)

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Is this a banana in our pocket or is business cooperation inevitable?

Girl: (throws drink in Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE's face)

It is noteworthy to note

Bring it back, please.

It is noteworthy to note

One more time.

It is noteworthy to note

Thank you.

It is noteworthy to note that the Bahrain Government is undertaking periodic re-construction/maintenance works and various supply projects through various Ministries in this fiscal year 2014 and over One Billion United States dollars has been allocated for this purpose.

This all sounds very specific and not vague. But just to be sure, let me check my textbook on recent history.

In March of 2014, the U.S. government - at the time carrying a deficit of approximately $12 trillion - allocated more than $1 billion (U.S.) to the country of Bahrain for them to, as United States Treasurer Rosa Gumataotao Rios described it, "do stuff with."

This checks out.

We are mandated to source for capable foreign companies/individuals that has the capability and integrity to supply needed products and execute same.

In turn, many lead Bahrain officials promised to filter the money back into the U.S. with false business arrangements made via terribly constructed emails to unsuspecting American civilians. One American in particular, Mike Kenny of Arizona, agreed to go "halvsies" on a Bahrain Chuck E Cheese franchise with a man claiming to be Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE. As a result, Kenny lost his life savings. Kenny, however, recounted his experience in his best-selling book, "Tuesdays with ALSAIE," which is essentially 400 pages of Kenny waiting for Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE to meet him at Chuck E Cheese.

If interested, contact me with full company/personal profile and more details will be divulge to you.

Mr. Waleed Yusuf ALSAIE: Hows about you contact us with your personal profile and I will divulge to you ... the details. (motions toward his pants)

Girl: (agrees to marry him on the spot, they live happily ever after)

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Say hello to the bad guy

The movie Up, if you’ve never seen it, is a heartbreaking-turned-heartwarming story centered around the relationship between a young, quirky boy and an elderly, bitter but really sweet man. It features balloons and a flying house, funny animals, and the type of general silliness you typically find in animated kids films.

There is a scene in the movie when, angry and frustrated by the possibility of his home being destroyed by corporate interests, the old man hits a construction worker on the head and the construction worker begins to bleed. It is our oldest daughter’s favorite part.

Yes, in a movie filled with hijinks and, again, a flying house, the only scene that truly resonated with our daughter is the one scene that featured violence. This was disconcerting.

With each movie since, we’ve witnessed an increasing fascination with and, yikes, affection for, the bad guy. When we watched Bolt, she was enamored with “the man with the green eye.” During 101 Dalmatians she asked a thousand questions about Cruella de Ville’s background. Rudolph? Pfft. Since she was 2 it’s been called “The Abonimal Snowman Show.” And if the movie doesn’t feature a bad guy per se, our daughter identifies with the most tragic part of the movie. We watched the 1960s film Pollyanna not long ago, and her favorite part was when Pollyanna FALLS OUT OF A TREE AND ALMOST DIES.

We’ve been telling our parents about these things and they’ve laughingly attempted to quell our concerns with general statements about kids being kids. Even the team of various therapists we have at our disposal, though slightly perturbed by it all, agree that a childlike morbid curiosity is not all that uncommon. My wife and I, however, remain on guard against curiosity becoming obsession.

And so it was that we took our girls to see “Peter Pan” at Arizona Broadway Theatre a few weeks ago. Since ABT is dinner theater, our youngest had her head in a bowl of pasta and was not acutely aware a show was even happening. Our oldest watched with varying degrees of interest until the introduction of one particular character.

Science may dispute that eyes can physically light up, but our daughter’s eyes LIT UP at the sight of Captain Hook. I’m talking fixated. She was—I know Peter Pan’s arrogant naïveté can be a bit much, but c’mon—rooting for him.

After the show there was only one character she wanted to meet, and as chance would have it, Captain Hook was one of only two characters—his crocodile nemesis being the other—available for introductions and pictures.

Unsurprisingly, no child in the lobby wanted anything to do with the cap’n. Except one, that is. Our daughter blew through the sea of awestruck, standing-at-a-safe-distance children and stood before the captain, her captain, looking up as if a heavenly light were shining down on him. Even Captain Hook himself was taken aback, and, with a look that implied this had never happened before, stumbled as he said, “Hi! You, uh … you look like you want ... a hug?”

You didn’t have to tell her twice, and our daughter rushed to embrace her captain while the other children shielded their eyes in horror (and that included our youngest, who clutched tightly to my leg hoping her sister wouldn’t be forced to walk the plank). There might as well have been birds singing as they spun around in their joyous embrace while the Carpenter’s “Close To You” played on the speakers. She then held on to his hook hand while we snapped a few pictures.

My wife told her mom what happened shortly thereafter and my mother-in-law, after her brief chuckle was cut short when reality registered, said, “Oh no there’s something wrong with that. You gotta do something about that.”

At least we have the happy-go-luckiness of our youngest, who, when asked by my mother-in-law how she liked the show and if she preferred Peter Pan or Captain Hook, assured her the pasta was good.

EVERY KID'S FAVORITE LOVABLE VILLAIN

Note: This column appears in the 9/11 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/12 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, September 05, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Plastic Part Design Engineering

This is right up my alley. I work at a newspaper store.

We live with the moulds we produce

That is the most thought-provoking and inspirational statement I have ever read. How do I get this stitched on a throw pillow? Or how about a meme ...



12.Dear Sir Or Madam,

Did you make a list of at least a dozen potential salutations to which a human might be receptive, and then forget to delete the number? That is definitely what happened. I forgive you, and also - good choice! I am a sir, btw.

I am?writing?to?you to learn if you need?a good partner to make?plastic molds for you?to support?you to?be more?competitive .

Should I use the space bar here or a question mark? That is a dilemma that has plagued people who write emails for years. There's no right answer, of course - "Go with your gut" is what Strunk & White say - but what you've achieved here is a masterwork of balance. And to answer your question marks, yes - of course I need a good partner to make plastic molds for me, duh. How do you think newspapers get made, anyway? Magic? LOL

TYPE OF MOULDS:
2K (2 components)
Sandwich (Stack-mold)
Overmoulding
IML / IMD
Gas-assisted injection
BMC-SMC
Rapid Prototyping
MIM (Metal injection moulding)


I like all types of plastic molds, obvs. BUT, gun to my head ... gotta go with the ol' sandwich stack-mold. I know, I know - pretty conservative for a mold head. But I should mention that I like mine with extra mustard, as we say in the biz. (mustard = sparkle glue)

SERVICE:
Support to design and engineering
Moldflow adviser:
- Filling
- Warpage
- Shrinkage
Dimensional control
Mold Trials
Production of pilot runs


Person: Hello?

Me: Hi, this is Mike, from the newspaper store. Listen, we're running out of newspapers here and I need a moldflow advisor to get over here quick and warpage my sandwich mold, STAT!

Person: You got dimension control?

Me: Hell no we don't have dimension control! If we had dimension control I would have called the fire department, not ... wait, who did I call?

Person: This is Subway.

SERVING INDUSTRIES:
Automotive
Aerospace
Consumer electronics
Medical
Food & Packaging


Newspapers?

And many others

YES!

We are constantly looking for better solutions – to the benefit of our customers.
Looking forward to participating in your next projects!


We have many upcoming projects revolving around plastic molds for which we welcome your eager participation. We don't want to make any mistakes. After all:





I made this meme at work, btw.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: From bizbilla.com Dr.K.K

It's difficult to parse what's least trustworthy from this subject header:

  • that a doctor is sending this
  • that his name is something you text back to someone just to let them know you got their text
  • bizbilla.com

If the greeting is impersonal and plural, I'm out.

Dear Sirs,

I changed my mind. I am in.

We are in much pleasure to introduce ourselves us one of the leading Global Web portal development and online marketing Company from India.

(emerges from pit of pleasure, brushes self off) No, no, it is I who am very much in pleasure to receive this. Please, tell me more about India-based web portal development, for such pleasure is typically illegal in the United States.

In this regard we have planned to publish online all your business commercials of your newspaper or magazine or any printed edition of your product that you market.

Please excuse my ignorance, Dr. K. K, as you are a doctor who speaks doctor-speak and I am a mere publications manager, but with regard to everything you've just said: wtf are you even talking about?

Also we will do get Public and business people as subscribers for your products to increase your circulations.

Judging by this email, there is no doubt in my mind you will be able to convince, with words, people who enjoy reading to subscribe to our newspaper. Finally I can just sit back and let the circulations take flight.

For the above two services we expect to provide us a free advertisement space of your confirming size for our online business product regularly thru your editions.

Please, take a full back page in color to advertise your India-based nonsense business in our community weekly newspaper. It's the least we can do since you've promised to increase our "circulations" and publish all of our commercials, of which we have none, but that's our fault. I've been trying to gain funding for a local cable access commercial that is just me riding a mechanical bull and screaming "COME ON DOWN TO OUR NEWSPAPER STORE - WE GOT NEWSPAPERS, YOU CAN READ 'EM AND STUFF, OH NELLY"

Kindly view this link:
http://www.bizbilla.com/business-with-press-media/


No thank you.

This is a new generation business which we need it essentially as the global market and the peoples are exploring every day thru online businesses.

I want to cover that sentence in gasoline and burn it to the ground and then I want to burn the ashes and then I will burn THOSE ashes just to make sure it's dead and then I will scatter the ashes in four different parts of the world that have unlivable climates. Also, OK.

So we request you kindly to send your tariffs

TARIFFS LOL pretty sure you dialed the wrong century. J/k I will send the tariffs, just as soon as I draw some water from the well to help treat my indentured servant of TB.

to the below address or attachment thru our form provided in the below link or you shall send thru the above given link or thru our mail id sgbcglobal@gmail.com

Yes but do you have any means by which I can send the tariffs?

We also generate numerous business opportunities and job opportunities for young generation, fresh graduates, Engineering graduates, business entrepreneurs and for all global people who have little English and online knowledge.

That you've cornered the market of people "who have little English and online knowledge" is the only believable thing about this email. Ain't that right, little English?

Little English: Ruff!

We hope you have understood the business model

DON'T PATRONIZE ME, SPAM EMAIL.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Marking up change; cleaning up indifference – a hero’s story

I arrived home last week and noticed that part of my driveway was spray-painted orange, as were a bunch of rocks in our front yard and also there were little yellow flags everywhere that read GAS LINE. “Cool,” I said to myself. “This will end smoothly.”

I had a hunch as to the culprit. A few years ago I arrived home and in place of one of our lantanas rested a beautiful new green tower. Far be it from to know or care about the purpose of this tower, but the only way I can describe it is as one of those things you tell children not to touch so they don’t get electrocuted.

No one had made us aware we were getting a brand spankin’ new electrical tower in our front yard, nor that we were unwittingly losing one of our plants in the process, but we traced the gift-giver/plant-killer back to a local cable company. I called and expressed my displeasure that we were not notified of this, as well as my desire that our plant be replaced. This request surprised the company, which, I can only assume, had been accustomed to replacing plant life with small electrical columns in private, residential yards with zero repercussions. They nevertheless heeded our request and explained their purpose by repeatedly saying “fiber optic.”

So, again, I had a hunch. I called that company to inquire about the latest situation, and they claimed it was not them, and instead suggested I contact the city, which forced me down a rabbit hole of long and ultimately pointless telephone conversations that eventually led back to: that cable company. Sure enough, that very day I arrived home and in my driveway was a human person doing stuff to our beautiful green tower and who was wearing a shirt representing said cable company.

I gathered my composure and kindly asked the man what was going on, and he pointed to the house across the street and said, “They don’t have fiber optic, so we’re doing fiber optic stuff and also, fiber optic,” or something like that.

“Oh,” I replied, “the renter in that house that’s been vacant for three years doesn’t have fiber optic stuff? Why didn’t you say so? GO NUTS and use my front yard as your personal fiber optic playground!”

What I really said, however, was, “Whatever. How and when are you guys going to fix this?” as I gently guided my hand over the sea of orange spray paint and yellow flags in our yard. He blamed that all on another company, which I quickly identified as their subcontractor, and so I repeated my question. He said, “Uh … we don’t.”

I asked to speak to his supervisor, who knocked on my door a few minutes later and with whom I had the same exact conversation. I said, “So let me get this straight—you guys come and mark up private yards without any notification, and then don’t clean up your mess?” He responded by assuring me the orange spray paint would wash away “eventually.”

If I wasn’t accepting this answer, you know darn well the wonderful woman with whom I share a soul/fiber optic connection was not accepting this answer. More calls would have to be made.

And call I did. I got all the way to the CEO, who was, it should be noted, kind and understanding. And informative. Basically, service companies (cable, gas, electric) are not required to notify homeowners of marking their property, nor are they required to clean it up. For the latter they cite “liability,” like, to use the example I was given, if the company were to power wash your driveway of spray paint and in the process destroy your driveway. In other words, “We wipe our hands of the issue we have caused based on the hypothetical scenario of us making it worse due to incompetence.” (Also, “Our power washers are WMDs.”) For the former—a simple, standard ol’ note on a door—they cite, well, nothing really. And this is all OK.

Until now. It appears I have found my new purpose. Some feed the poor; others raise awareness for health causes; a select few lead nations. I want to make sure cable companies can’t spray paint your rocks bright orange without letting you know first, and then CLEAN IT UP. Don’t call me a hero. I am not a hero. (I kind of am though.)

So, has this ever happened to you? If so, call or email your councilmember. That’s what I am going to do. Let us initiate change by connecting in a manner not unlike the fiber optic lines we are mutually rallying against.

Thank you.

Note: This column appears in the 9/4 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/5 issue of Peoria Times.