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Showing posts from August, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: AN OPPORTUNITY IN MY OFFICE

Sounds like I am being invited into a pornographic movie. Wish me luck!

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. KOH BOON HWEE, Managing Director DBS Bank Ltd, Hong Kong.


Your name is the most absurd ALL CAPS racial stereotype I have read. Were you not managing director of a prestigious bank, I'd be suspicious.

I am contacting you with respect to a portfolio amounting to $30,520,000 USD (Thirty Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar) deposited by a German Merchant named Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann.

Obvs. Bank managers the world over know: when you have questions about a German merchant's financial portfolio, contact Mike. What can I say? It's what I do. (It is not.)

On the 15th of May 2002 Mr. Jurgen Zimmermann deposited $12,000,000 USD (Twelve Million United States Dollars) under our portfolio management department for four years and the deposit matured on the 18th of October 2006 with over 196% growth which amounted to a total of $30,520,0…

Tool time: Jack of no trades, master of none consolidates

I currently have something I never thought I’d have: a toolbox. For tools.

Because I already had a toolbox, only it was filled with medicine, almost all of which expired in 2007. When we became foster parents, it was required that we have all our medication locked up and secured. Looking for something to do just that, my wife and I stumbled on a traditional ol’ toolbox. I said, “This will work! Plus one day maybe I can actually use it for tools HA HA HA this will be for medication.”

But the joke is on me because now I have a tool-toolbox. We were in the process of going through some house junk, and I thought it would be a good idea to go through the medicine toolbox and throw out the ear drop medication my wife brought to Arizona from New Jersey seven years ago and a huge box of DayQuil that only had one DayQuil in it that was four years expired and also everything in the box. Staring at the empty toolbox, I took a deep breath and with a lump in my throat said to myself, “Now is the t…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Dokumenty

HA HA spell much?

Fahrenheit 9/11 outtakes

"My name is Michael Moore, and I'm making a dokumenty about ... pfffffffffff HA HA! Did I just say 'dokumenty?' Cut, cut! I'm not awake yet, guys. Someone get me my coffee! Oh man ... that was hilarious."

Witam,

OR: "Mike." Almost though!

Zwracam się z zapytaniem w imieniu internetowego serwisu tłumaczeniowego.

So far this dokumenty is confusing.

Polscy przedsiębiorcy szukają dobrych jakościowo tłumaczeń w związku z rosnącym eksportem i chęcią nawiązywania międzynarodowej współpracy.

What? Are you serious? I am never eating at McDonald's again, for real.

Chciałem się zapytać czy mogę przedstawić ofertę na usługi tłumaczeń pisemnych?

Is that a rhetorical question or do you want an answer?

Yes? No wait. No. No?

Pozdrawiam,
Bartosz Mazur


I feel like maybe I don't know what this email is trying to convey or who you are or what this dokumenty is about. What is your deal, anyway, Bartosz?

Senior Ac…

Spam email of the week

Feeling lonely. Wishing someone could introduce me to some products. (logs on to email)

Subject: Introduction of products

(pumps fist)

Dear Sir/Madam,

Dear [GENDER UNKNOWN],

I am a dude, btw, fwiw.

We are Box Marsh located In Pakistan  City, Sialkot, specialize in exporting various type of garment.

Nice to meet you, Box Marsh! May I also add that you specialize in grabbing my attention :0 :) ;)

Our main products are Martial Arts Uniforms,Boxing Gloves, Mixed Martial Arts Equipments, Protectors Wooden Weapon and relative products.

Here's the thing about email that makes it so great. Let's say I'm a [GENDER UNKNOWN], just sitting here wanting to do martial arts but I don't have a uniform. Also, what about equipments? You can't just do martial arts without equipments. And it's like, all of my martial arts friends ALREADY have protectors wooden weapon, so all of my martial arts moves - performed naked and without equipments because, again, I have no uniform or equipment…

Erring my way through errant errands

I went out to run errands during my lunch hour at work. Those errands were:

•    Get an iced coffee (not really an errand; bear with me)
•    Drop off donations at St. Vincent de Paul
•    Get money out of ATM for babysitter

I arrived at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru speaker. Here was that conversation:

Speaker: Welcome to Dunkin’ Donuts … (shuffling noises)

Me: (waiting for them to follow up with “Can I help you?” so I know it’s OK to speak)

Speaker: …

Me: …

Speaker: …

Me: Uhhh, can I get a-

Speaker: How can I help you?

Me: Yes, can I get a medium iced coffee, easy cream, NO sugar.

Speaker: You uh … want cream?

Me: Yes, but not a lot. ‘Easy cream’ is what I’ve been instructed to say by other locations, ha.

Speaker: $1.08.

I pull through. The worker puts my coffee near the window while he goes to the register and I take a look at the coffee and it looks good. They nailed the cream-to-coffee ratio. I look up at the worker and he, apparently watching me looking at the coffee, has his eyes locked o…

Spam email of the week

Subject: DRIVE YOUR CAR AND GET PAID ADVERTISING FOR JetBlue Airlines. ($400 Weekly)

The way I know this is not spam is because:

From: ©JetBlue Airlines Advertisment™   [ulyssesrhg@gmail.com]

Totes legit to quit. What's up, Ulysses?

We got your email address through a local Business directory on the web. We must apologise for taking some of your valuable time to explain a proposal that will imagine will be of utmost benefit.

Please, Ulysses - any email that invites me to get paid for driving an advertising car is never a waste of time. You write well.

We are currently seeking individuals Strictly in the United State who would like to make money by simply driving their vehicle advertising for JetBlue Airlines. This is in our view to create more awairness and attract more customers to be willing to patronise us for local and international flights.

You have explained well the general purpose of advertising. Also, I must now add to my list of "Benefits of being born in the United St…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Catalogues of Stone and Concrete Diamond grinding polishing tools, Diamond polishing pads, Backer pads and Accessories, Polishing machines, Stone installation tools, Stone carry tools

I wonder what this is about. The subject is vague.

Hi, Dear Manager

Hi, dear robot.

How are you?

I am ... okay. A little on the groggy side, but ... okay.

Glad to introduce to you our High quality Stone and Concrete Diamond grinding polishing tools, Backer pads and Accessories, Polishing machines, Stone installation tools, Stone carry tools.

If you were to ask me how I am doing now I would say a-MA-zing because I have been looking to acquire a high quality concrete diamond grinding polishing tool for a hot minute, but nobody was emailing me and I didn't know where to turn.

Enclosed are the catalogues for various of the grinding and polishing tools.

First, great sentence. A-plus sentence. Also, I just want to mention that robot dude here is NOT kidding - there are approximately 170 pdf attachment…

Clever work mantra compromises family jewels

It’s been established that I don’t know how to do anything handy. We know this. That doesn’t mean, however, that I can’t do anything that falls under the umbrella of “things men are supposed to do.”

For example, I can move things. Like, from here to there. I can pick it up and move it.

It should probably be mentioned that even in this endeavor, I fail at the nuances of doing it well. Once while moving a desk I accidentally ripped the top off because I was holding it by the lip, an act that couldn’t support the weight of the base underneath. (As embarrassing as that is to admit, I’m quite proud of myself for even identifying that part of the desk as the lip without having to Google “what’s that part of the edge of a desk that just begs you to lift from there?” It is called the lip, right? Forget it.)

I distinctly remember, years ago, helping my dad and his friends put together a shed in my parents’ backyard. Everyone’s confidence in my and my cousin John’s ability to do the technical …

Spam email of the week

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Subject: New TV Casting: Cash In Your Life $$$

"Cash In Your Life (dollar signs)" is a show I will sacrifice everything to be on.

New Television Casting for: Ca$h In Your Life

Got it.

NEW TV #CASTING: Cash In Your Life


OK.



A new television series

Family Ties? J/k it's: Cash In Your Life

is seeking out couples and families for a chance to cash in their lives for a fresh start!

So let me get this straight. I cash in my life - like you take my life and give me money for it, and then I am dead (bad) but have money (good) - and then I get a fresh start? As a rich dead person? Is this "Weekend at Bernie's III: The Musical?"

Have you always wondered, what if? What if you had followed your dreams? What if you no longer had the job you don't love?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdD6RMICpfg&feature=kp

What if you had followed your dreams
What if you no longer had the job you didn't love
What if you should decide
That you want to cash in your life
For a show called…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Global Foods USA

I like my coffee black, my women feisty, and my food global but also from the motha truckin' U S of A.

Dear Sirs,

My name is Mike. (looks around) No one else is h-

Hope you doing well.

Me is. Thank you.

Please kindly find our Special offer for  Rice as follows i.e :

Am I being kindly offered a special deal on rice right now? If you have Basmati rice I am going to crap my pants. With excitement. But also for real.

Basmati Rice :

Pure Basmati Rice from the foothills of Himalaya


My friend and I frequently joke that you can't call it Basmati rice if it ain't from the Himalayas. My friend is imaginary. How much for the pure sh*t?

Product Code : GBR 30

Packing 30lb

Price : US$ 52.82/ BAG


That is a good deal. Is 30 pounds of rice enough though? I live alone.

1121 Basmati  Parboiled Rice

I was actually thinking that I might be better off with Basmati parboiled rice.

Pure Basmati Rice from  Indian Sub Continent, Longest Grain Available in the World

Why don'…

Prayer for a decent prayer

My wife and I have been trying to get our girls into the habit of praying before bed. The results have mostly been … disappointing. And strange. Granted, prayer isn’t an easy thing for even a mature adult to grasp, and we certainly don’t expect a 4- and almost 5-year-old to fully understand what they’re doing. But we thought it’d better than this:

Me: OK, girls, time to pray. Kneel by your beds.

Girl 1: Mommy lets us lay down.

Me: (looks at wife)

Wife: ONE time I let you do that. Just do what Dad tells you to do, OK?

Girl 2: Daddy, look at my boo-boo. It looks like a castle-farm.

Me: A what? Just—girls, focus. And kneel, please. Now who wants to go first?

Girls: (in unison) Me me me me me me me!

Me: (to girl 2) Why don’t you go first tonight, OK?

Girl 1: (panicked) I never go first and she went first the other time and you promised me I could go first and you guys are so rude!

Wife: (to girl 1) PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND KNEEL DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION.

Girl 1: (covers head with arms defiantly, whi…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: VL:  shortest delivery time

I don't care how you get here (or what you are)
Just get here if you can (shortest delivery time)

Nice day to you friend,o(≧v≦)o~~

I don't know what emotion that is trying to conv-

Here below are our latest information for Wuhan New G603, welcome to check as quality reference.

OK.

Our advantage of G603:
●Good news!!!  To celebrate our start for new factory and quarry of G603, now we have stock for G603 slabs size in 240upx70upx2cm and 240upx70upx3cm are under selling, quality is as good as before and price will be also attractive..


Good news? More like GREAT news! About to get my G603 slab on. But wait, hold up - didn't Wuhan New G603 experience some problems in the past? I remember at the time feeling very o(≧v≦)o~~ about that.

● No delivery time problems any more: apart from our own quarry in Wuhan, we have our own factories and several cooperated factories help us manufacturing. Delivery time should be put off a lot if buy from other trad…