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Showing posts from July, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: Star-Times,Quartz Countertops and Slabs

Bout to get my slab on.

Hello Star-Times,

My name is Mike.

This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who manufacturing & exporting quartz stone tiles, countertop and slabs

Come again?

This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who manufacturing & exporting quartz stone tiles, countertop and slabs

Can I just ...

This is Rachel from Luda Quartz Stone, who [sic] manufacturing [sic] &[sic] exporting [sic] quartz stone tiles, countertop [sic] and slabs [sic]

OK that's better. You were saying?

LUDA’s quartz stone consists of 93%  natural quartz,resistant to cracks, scratches and stains and Non-Toxic, Non-Radiation,

I have been searching far and wide for a kitchen countertop that doesn't exude cancerous radiation. Today is a good day. (-Ice Cube)

You will    know the quality after checking the sampl.e

This is how this sentence looks in real life:

Person: But how will I know the quality?

Rachel: You will

Person: ... ... Uh

Rachel: know the qualit…

Dentist dread a result of my lack of transparency, infinite wisdom

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As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to fret, more and more, the exercise of going to the dentist.

Not that going to the dentist has ever, for one second, been not terrible. But, I think, as you mature and adapt to brushing regularly (as opposed to brushing never as a child and using more effort to pretend that you had brushed your teeth than if you had just brushed your teeth … or was that just me?), there should be fewer reasons for dread. The opposite has been true for me.

For one thing, my wife convinced me some years ago to shirk, if not every time, almost every time, the x-rays. Not exposing ourselves to unnecessary radiation has been a modest life goal, call us crazy. And that is exactly what the people at the dentist's office call us.

Because let me tell me you something—the dentist's office does NOT like when you refuse the x-rays. They will say things like, “You know, the amount of radiation is less than two minutes in the sun” or some crap like that, like they’re readin…

Facebook meme of the day

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HUSBAND DONE GOT LOST ON THAT THERE DESERT ISLAND LIKE THREE YEARS AGO

BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO HOLLA BACK EVER SINCE

NONE OF THESE BOTTLES BE HIS, THOUGH

"DEAR BARBARA, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNDYING, UNLIKE MY PHYSICAL BODY, WHICH IS BEING RAVAGED BY UNKNOWN ISLAND SPECIES. TELL THE WORLD MY STORY."

PFFT

B*TCH PLEASE I AIN'T BARBARA

NOT SURE HOW MANY HUSBANDS WERE ON THAT SHIP

OR WHERE THEY BE GETTIN' THEIR BOTTLES FROM

THIS ONE JUST SAYS "WE DEAD LOL"

IF ONLY MATT COULD DOGGIE PADDLE

BUT IMMA BE PATIENT

IMMA JUST STAND HERE IN A POWER SUIT WAIST DEEP IN THE SEA WHILE HOLDING AN UMBRELLA

ELLA ELLA ELLA

CAN'T GET THE DOME WET

JUST GOT THE HERRRR DID

GOTTA LOOK GOOD FOR THE DUDES YA KNOW?

CAN'T WAIT AROUND FOREVER

BUT IMMA BE PATIENT

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Re:Best Selling High Quality eGo-C Twist CE4 from Kapopo , ego c twis t 900ma h,ego c twist 6 50best pl ace to buy ego t wist
This is a good subject. It is nice.

Dear Friend,

I have no friends.

Good day

Is it, friend? Is it? With so much strife in the worl-

I am very glad to know you from your professional website,

You must be talking about glendalestar.com, the very professional website I manage but also a place to learn a lot about me, personally, like that time I Council hears updates on Loop 303 improvements or how I always Property taxes go up 2 percent. I put myself out there, I guess.

you are the leading company of e cigarette products.

We are? Just kidding. We are. Our motto is: The Glendale Star: Glendale's community weekly since 1978 - news best enjoyed while inhaling an e cigarette (which we also manufacture)

I also notice that you pay much attention to lower your cost for quality e cig.

Weekly editorial meeting

Editor: And Mike, please make that correction online bec…

Frozen out by ‘Frozen,’ dang Disney

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I’ve mentioned before our family’s distaste for Disney, but allow me to briefly elaborate.
Specific to the realm of raising two impressionable young girls, we—when I say “we” in this regard, people may assume that I mean “my wife,” and while she does spearhead this line of thinking, I honestly couldn’t agree more—feel that Disney, generally, too heavily markets the princess aesthetic to girls. Realizing the fantasy life is omnipresent during childhood, we’d prefer our girls be less influenced by a non-working, male-reliant position within a fundamentally un-American monarchy whose “job” is to, essentially, look pretty, than, say, virtually anyone or anything else (sans Katy Perry, of course). I mean, even Dora explores and is bilingual.
However, over the course of the past year or so, our stance on Disney has ever so slightly—gasp—softened. This is a result of equal parts our sheer inability to escape its wide-reaching entertainment net and, more specifically, Frozen. Though it touts no…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Wine Order Needed

OK, that is nice. This is a newspaper.

My name is James Adam i WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE THESE Products IN STOCK OR YOU CAN ORDER THEM FOR ME.

Hello James. My name is Mike Kenny and WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME only I can use ALL CAPS SO EASE UP, SON.

Also, I am hoping the products you are looking for are newspapers because this is a newspaper.

1. Louis Roederer Cristal 2005/06, 12  bottles 2. Dom Perignon Vintage 2004, 12  bottles

Unfortunately, because this is a newspaper, we don't carry expensive champagne. We produce newspapers because we are, again, a newspaper. However, I guess I could order these for you? I mean, I have no problem ordering champagne for you, but I feel like I should mention - and I'm not saying this to be a dick; I just want to make sure you're aware of this fact - that another person who could order this champagne for you is: you.

Again, not trying to be a dick. I just feel like all the effort you've put into emailing entit…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Glendale Glitter and Glow block party rocks downtown Glendale ... 2014-06-13 3:29:35

So this initially didn't strike me as SO odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party is an actual thing, something we cover and an event posted in print and online. But it was still kind of odd because the Glendale Glitter and Glow block party happens just after Christmas, and also:

From: ALan

Listen, I know to a lot of you something seemingly subtle like the first two letters of a name being capitalized can be perceived as an honest mistake, but let me tell you - as someone who's been in the spam game for a hot minute, that kind of stuff is crazeballs. Not to mention:

[alan@alan888.9299.org]

This is the most terrible email address. I hate this email address. It is offensive. I am offended.

Dear sir or madam,

Here we go.

How are you?

Ugh. Fine. I am fine, ALan. What do you want?

This is Alan from Ningbo Prolin, China.

ALan from China is emailing me about Glendale Glitter and Glo…

Poor pity, pondering pool problems, private probe

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Growing up, our neighbors across the street had a pool. More important than this, they had a sign on the deck of the pool that read “Please don’t pee in our pool; we don’t swim in your toilet.” At the time, this was the absolute zenith of comedic commentary for me. A party at our neighbors’ house meant not only that we could swim, but also that I could stare at that sign and, in my head, break it down to bits until all the humor was lost, which was, of course, impossible. Swim in the toilet! Can you even imagine?

I still think about that sign* today, for several reasons. For one, the first time I laid eyes on it, my dream in life instantly became to grow into an adult, get married, have a family, and buy a house with a pool, all as mere means to my true end of posting that sign, claiming it as my own, and basking in its comedic glory. Where did you get that sign? Is there no end to your brash hilariousness? A toast to Mike!

Also, since I haven’t yet realized my ultimate dream, and our…

Run, don’t walk – or, you know, walk – to donate to ‘Team Garlic’

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My mom walks faster than she runs. This seems impossible based on the very definition of those two things, but it is true. During a road race, her hybrid style of mixing each means that she is actually resting when she is running. It makes zero sense, but you know what? It works.

It didn’t always work. It was maybe five years ago when my mom entered some race in my hometown of East Brunswick, and was literally the last person to finish. Like, the front bumper of the police car trailing the race was nudging her in the butt, the police megaphone yelling, “Please run, miss, so we can all go home.” Then my mom would start running and the police would say, “OK, that’s our bad. Please walk.”
Since then my mom has honed her style through extensive training. If there were a movie about my mom perfecting her routine, it would include a 45-minute montage of her run-walking up the Philly monument steps, but instead of jumping up and down with her hands in the air when she reached the top like Rock…

Facebook meme(s) of the day

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THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS IF ANIMAL FROM THE MUPPETS HAD A MEME
THAT DUDE WAS CRAY 

LOL

THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT, ANIMAL

YOU SQUEEZE IT IN YOUR HAND

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

HA, HA GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL YOU ANIMAL

OTHER ANIMALS SLING FECES SO YOU ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF CIVILIZED

WHAT PEOPLE ARE STRESSING YOU OUT ANIMAL

THE MUPPET BABIES?

KERMIT'S LAZY ASS?

DOESN'T MATTER, THIS MEME CANNOT BE TOPPED, PLEASE END ALL MEMES



OKAY I GUESS

WHO ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO

I DON'T THINK I'M THAT WEIRD - JUST SITTING HERE WRITING ABOUT ANIMAL FROM THE MUPPETS MEMES

OK THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD

BUT I TAKE SOLACE THAT YOU LOVE ME, MUPPET DRUMMER

NOT TO NITPICK, ANIMAL FROM THE MUPPETS, BUT THE FACT THAT THEY'RE "WEIRDOS" IMPLIES THEY'RE NOT ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY

SORRY THAT WAS TOO MUCH - SOMETIMES I FORGET YOU'RE JUST A WEIRDO ANIMAL PUPPET THING

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT

I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, MAYBE COOL IT WITH THE MEMES C…

Classic card of the week

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WELL HELLO THERE.
This card makes it possible for Tommy Aldridge to meet Oscar Gamble and have something to talk about. As for me, I want to be shrunken down to the size of cricket and exist in that 'fro for all of eternity, living solely off its lush forest of essential oils.
LET’S CHECK THE VITALS.



SPECIALTY Drums
You don’t say? I was going to guess: eggs Benedict
BIRTHDAY August 15
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOMMY ALDRIDGE!” – what I am going to write on Tommy Aldridge’s Facebook timeline on August 15th.
FORMER BAND Ozzy Osbourne
As someone who grew up listening to mostly hip-hop and dope R&B slow jams, I know very little about hair metal/rock. But even I know Ozzy Osbourne is a person and not a band. (checks Internet to confirm) My bad, the band’s name was Ozzy Osbourne. Please continue.
PROFILE Like all members of Whitesnake
This could read anything and I would believe it.
Tommy Aldridge’s rock pedigree stretches far back into rock history books.
He opened for Fats Domino at a New Orleans nigh…

Fifty dead scorpions and hopefully not counting

I killed my 50th scorpion the other day. I’m not sure if that is actually true since I have not been keeping count, but it’s gotta be pretty close. And I always round up.

It never fails. We go away for a few days, a scorpion or two is there to greet us when we return home. WELCOME HOME. I SHOWED MYSELF IN, HOPE THAT’S O-(splat). In fact, as some kind of ominous warning sign, we found a dead scorpion in the girls’ playroom the morning we were leaving. This was disconcerting, sure, but not terrible since my second favorite scorpion is a dead scorpion. My first favorite scorpion is a pretend scorpion that abides by my blissful fantasy that scorpions aren’t real but only mythical creatures like the jackalope.

Part of the reason that scorpion was dead was that a lot has changed since I last wrote to you about scorpions. When we first moved to the Valley seven years ago, we were informed we should have our home sprayed monthly, and a very nice man was recommended to us. He used what he descri…

Father-in-law update (sub-head: Please buy my book)

Scene: Face Time session yesterday evening between my wife and daughters and my in-laws:

Wife: Dad, I've been telling the girls about this - do you remember the song you used to sing to me before bed when I was little?

Tony: Oh yeah, oh yeah ... (sucks teeth) ... the song ... when you were little? I just ... hmmm ... you know I ... (becomes distracted)

Wife: DAD! You honestly don't remember? You sang it to me every night before bed! Then you bought me the music box that played the same song.
Tony: Oh yeah, oh yeah ... I just ... song, huh? It was a song?

Me: (in background washing dishes, joking) I bet if you asked him who won the Masters in 2008 he would remember.
Wife: Mike said if I asked you who won the Masters in 2008 you would know.

Dad: Ha, ha ... yeah, yeah, yeah ... (distracted)

Wife: C'mon, Dad, you seriously can't remember?

Dad: I don't know, I just ... Tiger Woods?

End scene

For many more stories like this, please buy The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo.

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)

The FBI, you may recall, makes no bones about being the FBI.

 OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
FBI.WASHINGTON DC.


Jiminy Christmas, is this the FBI? (It is not.)

 Mr James B. Comey
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET


Uh, is this an email from the FBI incriminating the FBI? Mr. James B. Comey, what say you?

 ATTENTION: Beneficairy,
  We the Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI)


I can't even.

through our intelligence monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously for was legal.

So wait, hold up. This whole time I've been making fun of spam emails, one of those emails was actually true? Because you, the FBI, are "wiretapping the Internet?" This is wonderful news! For me.

Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via United Bank of Africa Nigeria.

Yo that is dope. I usually do my banking at Bank Here

Unhappy birthday leads to me pulling the plug

Our girls like the pop songs they hear on the radio. This is unfortunate for several reasons. One being that they are too young for me to impose on them actual good music. Believe me, I’ve tried. Teaching them the virtues of [“indie” band X] is not worth the hemming and hawing that persists throughout whatever songs I choose to sample for them. Kids have the worst taste.

More importantly, there is the continual irony that the songs played on public pop radio stations for everyone to hear—as opposed to the “alternative” songs that are an acquired taste and that exist, by and large, beyond the scope of radio censorship—are the worst aesthetically and also subject matter wise. Like, pop songs are also the most inappropriate songs.

Not to make generalizations, but all current pop music is simply a juvenile sexual metaphor masked with a catchy beat. (Not like in MY DAY, when artists like Gerardo really meant something, you know?) So, not only do we have to bear to listen to this awfulness,…