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Showing posts from June, 2014

Facebook meme(s) of the day

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HA HA HA HA SQUAT MEMES

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS BUT HE LOOKS MEAN AND MAD

THAT YOU'RE NOT SQUATTING MORE

YOU SHOULD SQUAT MORE

OTHER PEOPLE ARE INVESTED IN HOW OFTEN YOU SQUAT, APPARENTLY

IF SQUATTING IS HURTING YOUR VAGINA FOR REAL, YOU'RE PROBS DOING IT WRONG

JUST SAYING

PLAYING DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

BUT I'M NOT A PHYSICAL THERAPIST LIKE SQUATACUS O'ER THERE

HE IS THE AUTHORITY ON SQUATTING

AND VAGINA INJURIES (?)

(SAFE TO ASSUME WE'RE TALKING LEG EXERCISES HERE AND NOT OCCUPYING ABANDONED HOUSES)

(WHICH, TO MY KNOWLEDGE, DOESN'T ADVERSELY AFFECT VAGINAS)

THIS MEME SEEMS HELLA SPECIFIC

ISOLATED MEME MARKETING

TARGET: MEATHEAD SQUAT DUDES WHO ARE LEGIT OFFENDED AT OTHER DUDES' LACK OF SQUATTAGE

I CAN'T IMAGINE SQUAT MEMES ARE A THING


OH MY BAD THEY'RE A THING

MAURY SQUAT MEMES

GO GET 'EM MAURY

BRINGING DEADBEAT DADS AND LYING-ASS NON-LEG EXERCISERS TO JUSTICE SINCE 1991

YEAH BUT DOES MAURY SQUAT LOL

OH HE BE SQUATTIN'

#MAURY #SQUA…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Honest Call for you - From Suzzane H M

If nothing else, this seems honest.

Dear friend,

Are you talking to me or info@flippybaby.com?

To: indianspell@yahoo.com, indplsfeis@yahoo.com, info@4garlic.com, info@adoramedia.co.uk, info@arce.org, info@be-a-flirt.com, info@buckeyestatefeis.com, info@calgaryssea.ca, info@carrickfergus.org, info@chinabaroque.com, info@chocolatepizazz.com, info@cnyirishdance.com, info@europeantreasuresonline.com, info@feelgoodframes.com, info@feisinfo.com, info@feisnovascotia.com, info@feisworx.com, info@flf.butlerdancers.com, info@flippybaby.com, info@kcfeis.com, info@kittykeller.com, info@laughoutloudexpressions.com, info@mcmenaminacademy.com, info@minniebeasleys.com, info@nelleandlizzy.com, info@rivington.net.dele.te, info@robinclaytondesigns.com, info@scribblesndoodles.com, info@sextonacademy.com, info@sheajennings.com, info@shelleyirishdance.com, info@sseamtl.org, info@stewartschoolofirishdance.com, info@thechrystalranch.com, info@themastersuite.net, …

Great moments in rap history - the worst verses

Group Home was a two-man rap group backed by Gang Starr that consisted of 'Lil Dap, who was OK, and The Nutcracker, who was not a great rapper. Thankfully, their debut album was produced entirely by DJ Premier, so it was pretty dang good. It also includes the worst two rap verses I have heard in my life, courtesy of Nutcracker. Think Nas' verse in "Verbal Intercourse," and then think the opposite, and you have Nutcracker's verses in "Up Against the Wall."

(By the way, this song came out in 1995, so the lack of timeliness here on my part is not lost on me. I have no explanation of from where this came.)

VERSE 1

Yo the world is falling
Death is calling
I don't know


We are literally two lines into his first verse on the song and Nutcracker has already dropped an "I don't know" to keep the flow moving. (The flow is NOT moving, btw. It never moves. Seriously, give it a listen - it is so choppy and awkward, it sounds like a 10-year-old trying to …

‘What about Bob?’ – the story of my life

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I received your typical dad-like gifts for Father’s Day—a few shirts, some sentimental stuff the girls made at school, and a bottle of Jay-Z’s “Gold” cologne, obviously. I also, however, received a paper titled “All About Dad” that was signed by our oldest but was, as I understand, a collaborative effort between both girls during their joint occupational therapy session. Please indulge me while I break it down because it was … interesting.

My Dad’s name is: Mike.

So far, so good.

My Dad is 6 years old.

It’s all downhill from here. I should probably be more concerned about their utter inability to comprehend ages. I mean, they know how old they are, so the fact that they think I am one grade up is disconcerting. Plus, we’ve been over this. Mom is 20 and I am 25. They don’t listen.

My dad weighs: 118 pounds.

This is the most fascinating response. I have no idea where they came up with that number. Although, considering they believe 100 is the world’s highest number—“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU …

Spam email of the week

Subject: B2B Decision makers/Influencers Database 2014

Do people have actual jobs doing things like business-to-business marketing and data compiling and optimal targeting? It seems like this is not real, and only exists in some alternate universe that somehow has means to online communication. I have never met an actual person who boasts such a vague mode of employment, nor do I know anyone who has every utilized such services. Then again, I am not in the business world, and I make like $8,000 a year. Actually, let me hear them out …

Hi,
Would you be interested to reach Decision makers and Influencers from Healthcare, K-12, Information Technology, Food and Beverage, Pharmaceutical, Insurance, Finance/Banking, Telecom, Retail, Construction, Computer Software/Hardware, Hospitality, HR, Energy and Utilities, Manufacturing, Automotive, Marketing/Advertising, Publishing, Event, meeting or trade show planners and many more?


Hi,
Would you like to reach people in the following fields: every fiel…

I wear your sunglasses at daytime

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I was at a pool party recently because I am a hip dude who does neato things like that. It was the type of pool party you see in commercials—everybody was laughing continuously for no particular reason and my wife was on my shoulders in the pool playfully trying to knock over my friend’s wife, who was on his shoulders. The party was DJ’d by Ryan Gosling, who I didn’t even know was a DJ. The Coors Light beer train showed up at one point when it got too hot. All ethnicities were represented.

Also, none of that is true. Most of the afternoon was spent frantically taking care of kids in the pool while being sprayed with water guns from unknown locations and trying in vain to have adult conversations while being interrupted with information like, “The pizza fell on the ground but I ate it” and “That girl (points to boy) said I can’t swing as high as her did. I have to pee.”

That said, I did manage to get in some adult time. Some GUY TIME no less. At one point, a group of us fellas stood arou…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Find girls today

I think I am good. But okay.

Greetings, mighty mister! Whats up?

Not much. Just hanging out, trying to process being called mighty mister for the first time ever. You?

It feels like I need a company of a real man!

Oh, okay. You've ... come to the right place? I am currently listening to Sharon Van Etten and eating organic blue corn chips at my desk.

I am sure you are as hot as you page!

I believe you might be browsing the page of British paralympian Mike Kenny, but I'll take it.

Online dating sounds thrilling!

I guess.

Lets try it!

Okay. But promise me we can take it slow. I've never done this bef-

I have just uploaded two dozens of nude photos to my page .

Alright, well, I was going to say that I grew up in a small town and love reading mystery novels. But I suppose staring at your boobs for a while online could help get this relationship off the ground.

Please, search for me at the dating resource.

Not to be rude, but this subject header promised girls plural.

Facebook meme of the day

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YOU TELL 'EM PLUTO

DON'T YOU GO CHANGIN' ON ME

Mickey Mouse: You know, Pluto, while I appreciate your independence and stubborn refusal to change and progress as a canine, I just want to gently point out that "your" is possessive and-

Pluto: STOP TRYIN' TO BEND ME TO YOUR WILL YOU DANG RAT

FEEL LIKE MAYBE YA'LL AIN'T FOLLOWING WHAT PLUTO IS TRYING TO SAY HERE

TOO MANY WORDS FOR YA'LL HATERS

LEMME BREAK IT DOWN, PLUTO STYLE





*FIXED*

Crossing over into true maturity

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I can cross my legs. I’m not bragging; I’m just saying.

Of course, being an extremely manly man, by “cross my legs” I mean rest my right ankle/calf/shin on my left knee. This is a typical masculine pose for a man who is holding court in his corner office—hands behind head—regaling hilarious stories of debauchery and excess or, in my case, waiting at Great Clips for a $6.99 haircut because I have a coupon my wife clipped out of a mailer.

So yeah, I can cross my legs … for like three or four minutes, until my leg starts to get numb. I have long legs. This is how I have lived my life—crossing my legs like a man during moments of idleness until my leg goes numb.

Well, not anymore.

All of a sudden—seriously, this happened overnight—I am crossing my legs the real way. Like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, before that thing happened that put me through puberty. Like, you know, a woman, OR, in my case, a mature man oozing comfort in his own skin.

Like most men (?), I occasionally experimented …

Spam email of the week

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Subject: FOR.  Mrs. Jane Donald.

Despite your ALL CAPS emphasis, I believe you mean "from." Also, seriously with the periods. Also, stating who the email is from as a subject header is weird and a dead giveway that this is a load of crap. Also, please, go on.

Beloved Friend,

I don't know you.

Greetings,I am Mrs.Jane Donald.

OK now we are friends. As a beloved friend, I can say with sincerity that I hope your husband is not dead and also that you are young and healthy.

an aging widow suffering from long time illness.

Oh snap.

i am currently admitted in a private hospital here in Abidjan cote d' Ivory,

Say word. That is dope (?) and very relevant to my everyday life. Tell me, Mrs. Jane Donald, about your funds.

I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband Mr.Frank Donald.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring together in love Mr. Frank Donald and Mrs. Jane Donald, with me, Father Donald Donald - no relation - as supreme witness to their love and al…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Brazilian Singer Priscilla Brings WorldCup2014 to Hollywood!!!

FINALLY, HOLLYWOOD IS INVOLVED

Brazilian singer Priscilla released today on Vevo Her Exclusive Music Video
for The WorldCup2014 Brazil


EXCLUSIVE TO WHO EXACTLY IF I - MIKE - AM RECEIVING THIS INFO?

and Has Already listeners saying Her Music is Way better than Pitbull and Shakira.

WHY YOU GOTTA BRING PITBULL INTO THIS

ALSO: THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH LOL

SORRY, PITBULL J/K YOU ARE GOOD AT MUSIC

/NOT SORRY/

The Music Video was Directed by Britney Spears Circus Tour Choreographer ( Andre Fuentes)

AIR OF LEGITIMACY: NAILED

and The Song VAI (Go!) been produced in Hollywood.

WELL I'M CONVINCED, PLEASE WAIT HERE WHILE I VAI NOT LISTEN TO IT

Priscilla wrote the new Song VAI (Go) in tribute to the World CupBrazil2014.

HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT INSPIRE THE BEST SINGER-SONGWRITERS

LOVE

INJUSTICE

HEARTBREAK

HUMONGOUS SOCCER TOURNAMENTS THAT REQUIRE TRIBUTE VIDEOS DIRECTED BY PEOPLE WHO DID THINGS CALLED A BRITNEY SPEARS C…

Parents’, in-laws’ eating habits drive us bananas

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As you may have been able to discern from recent columns, my parents and in-laws were visiting from back east. They left a couple weeks ago. We are still recovering.

Namely, as it pertains to the refrigerator.

To open our refrigerator of late is to be immediately greeted with the reminder that, on one hand, we are loved, and on the other, what the heck?

I’ll start with my own parents who, when they were here, went out to lunch every day and who, because my mom has literally never finished a food item or drink to completion in 60-plus years, brought us home the leftovers:

“I couldn’t finish my chicken wrap, so I brought you guys home the rest. Mike, maybe you can take it to work for lunch? I know you don’t eat meat, but you can pick out the chicken. Just be careful, because it gave me a little diarrhea, but I’m not sure if it was that or the breakfast burrito.* Anyway, it was really good!”

*also in the fridge

THANKS MOM.

It should be mentioned that my parents refuse to condense their …