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Showing posts from April, 2014

Boom, roasted: Insults from a 4-year-old

When she was six months old, our daughter rolled her eyes at my wife. No, I mean it—my wife, while feeding her, tried to convince her an airplane was coming in for landing, and our daughter, unconvinced, straight rolled her eyes. Pffft. Airplane? Really? ClichĂ© much?

It was an apropos action for a girl who was born with the defiant attitude of a 16-year-old. From that point forward, it was clear we were not dealing with your average child.

Now at the ripe old age of 4, and able to verbalize pretty much anything, there is nothing you can tell her. In fact, according to her: “I know about everything—God, Jesus, lollipops … people … blood.” Not too much knowledge out there that doesn’t fall under that five-item umbrella, so it’s hard to argue with her.

No, literally, it is hard to argue with her. Impossible. Counter-intuitive. Damaging to all involved. It’s become, for us, the most slippery of parental slopes—trying to nurture that independence and intellect while remaining responsible pare…

Facebook meme of the day

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BE SAFE OUT THERE TRUCKERS

PLEASE KEEP DELIVERING GOODS

CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH TRUCKER SAFETY MEMES

BUT THIS ONE NAILS IT

THE TRUCKER'S PRAYER:

Please keep truckers safe
When They be in The SNow
To All Those Who Drive (trucks) and Familys (in general)
I APPRECIATE YOU!!!
(this is Susan, my Husband Mark is a Trucker)
Are Their Trucks in Heaven?
You betcha
Peace And Love
And Keep on Truckin (Safely)

LET'S HONK TO THAT SENTIMENT

OOPS I THINK THAT WAS DISTRACTING

Spam email of the week

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Subject: Some new nail art products
Okay.
Hi,Friend,
Hello.
Wish you start a beautiful day from fingers to toes.
Awww, what a sweet and totally normal sentiment! My fingers are feeling pretty good right now … strong, flexible, and beautiful. My toes?


Not so much. Also I have a headache, but not your concern. Besides, I took some aspi—
This is Roger from Pretty—Nailart CO.,LTD. Glad to know that you in the market of nail art products.
I suppose the ends justify the means, and it is good that we’ve connected, Roger. Still, can you humor me? Who informed you of my affection for nail art products? I need to know so I can mail this person a dead possum thank you card.
We are factorys specialize in all kinds of nail art products.Iwould like to introduce some hot products with very easy price.
(Full disclosure: I sat next to Roger in creative writing class at Nail Art College University. This right here is classic Rog.)
Roger, before you get into your line of hot products, I want to interrupt b…

Non-contagious infection affects my nerves

When our oldest daughter was a baby and had her first ear infection, we reacted like, “Oh no, our sweet honey! Stop the world—we must remedy this condition with no regard for personal responsibilities like our jobs!”
By the eighth ear infection, we were like, “Are you kidding me right now, child? We have no vacation days left.”
Now it’s like this, with either daughter:
“Mommy, Daddy, I don’t feel so goo—”
“YES YOU DO. Stop saying that. Don’t you dare say that at school tomorrow because you ARE going to school tomorrow!”
We are cool parents.
Really though, it’s ridiculous. When our girls aren’t feeling well, it’s either an ear infection or an ear infection, neither of which are contagious. So when school called me a couple weeks ago to say they had our youngest daughter up front, and she had a fever (of 100.6, which doesn’t even really count) and I had to come pick her up, I already knew what it was.
But of course I had to go through the whole process. Instead of amoxicillin being ava…

Book announcement

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I wrote another book that I am kindly demanding you purchase multiple copies of right this second. Or, ya' know, whenever. Please?

The book is titled The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo, and it is about my father-in-law. It is essentially his life story—his memoir—written from my point of view. Which is to say, it’s supposed to be funny. But also informative and touching in its exploration of one man’s path to America and family life in general.
Readers of So, Do You Like … Stuff? became familiar with my father-in-law through several stories contained in that book, and the feedback on those stories became the inspiration for this project. Speaking of the first book, I also want to mention—The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo is a very different beast.
For starters, while Stuff contained many stories readers of this blog were already familiar with, Garlic Tuxedo is all new. Minus a few anecdotes, this is brand new material, gathered through extensive interviews and recollections of personal expe…

Spam email of the week

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Subject:
This could be anything. Turns out it’s everything.
Respected chief editor!
Well howdy to you, too, “Savitsky Nikita!”
And all the staff members! I found a list of all the governors of all the states of USA and tried to send letter to them (but their emails doesn’t work!?). In this letter I inform next: «teachers and coaches tortured your children and all children of the USA with twenty harmful exercises!?...
“Governor Jan Brewer’s office. How may I help you?”
“Respected gubernatorial assistant!”
“...”
“My name is Savitsky and I found a list of emails but it won’t go through?! Don’t realize if it’s error on paper or my keyboard contraption device. Anyways, I wish to be granted your USA governor’s correct emails.”
“Okaaaay. May I ask what this is in regard to?”
“Certainly! I wish to send letters to inform about teachers and coaches torturing USA children with twenty harmful exercises!”
“Oh. Alright, uh, are you ready for the correct email address?”
“Yes! Have pen now!”
“Okay it’s…

The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo - sneak peak

The following is an excerpt from my new book, The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo, which should be available in hardcover at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com next week. Please buy it because it will make me happy, and also you happy. Promise.

- - - - -
My mother-in-law, Anna, had me drive her car because it fit us all. We were going to pick up her husband from work in Bay Ridge and then go to the famous Gargiulo's restaurant in Coney Island. This was assuredly going to be Tony in his element, Brooklyn, and my parents would be witnesses to the lion in the jungle. Unfortunately, the stress I had been experiencing had now transferred to Anna.

Picking her husband up at work made sense logistically, but experience had taught her to be wary. If he had a bad day at work, there was no telling what he would say or do in the immediate aftermath. More importantly, she knew there was no way in heck he was going to be ready.

Tony was not ready. It was rush hour in Brooklyn. We had reservations. He re…

Spam email of the week

Subject: We market for you, We close your sales ! ! !


Willie, is that you?


Hello this is Willie,


Hi, Willie!


My business partner has generated over 32k in just the last 6 weeks and you will see proof and you an do the same if you follow our simple instructions.


Willie, hold on. Back it up, okay? Beep-beep-beep.


First of all, I am good. Thanks for asking (rolls eyes). Classic Willie, getting right down to business.


Second of all, what the crap are you even talking about, Willie? Who is your business partner? Is it Mark Cuban? If it’s Mark Cuban, I am in. If it’s not Mark Cuban, I am also in because this sounds amazing.


I want to see proof. Also, I want to follow your simple instructions. You’ve always kept it simple, Willie. Hit me off with the simple instructions.


We market for you.


(writes on notepad “let Willie and Mark Cuban do all the marketing stuff”)


Wecreate your website and auto responder


What is my website and what is auto responder?


(pop-up box emerges on computer screen)


Hello Michael. T…

The gong show: Bringing dad-in-law along for the ride

My new book, The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo, which is about my father-in-law, will be released soon. I hope this column, which does not appear in the book, whets your appetite. 
Next week I'll be posting a sneak peak directly from the book.

My father-in-law, Tony, recently accompanied me to the local car dealership. This is why.

Initial salesman: (with semi-strong accent) Hi, can I help you guys find a car today?

Tony: You are from the Philippines.

Salesman: Uh, yes, I am actually. How did you know?

Tony: Heh, don’t worry about me. My son-in-law needs a car.

Salesman: Okay. (to me) Which car are you looking for?

Tony: How is Manilla? Is it nice? How long have you been here, at this dealership?

Salesman: Three and a half months.

Tony: Oh. (licks chops)

We find the car I want. Unfortunately, the first salesman did not have authority to discuss numbers. Enter his manager, Phil.

Phil: (approaches a bit on the arrogant side, motions for first salesman to move out of the chair so he can sit down) Fel…

Facebook meme of the day

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LOL

ELECTRICITY HUMOR IS THE BEST KIND OF HUMOR

TAKE MY ELECTRICITY BILL, PLEASE

THIS MEME IS RELATABLE BECAUSE ERRRRRRRYONE BE USING ELECTRICITY ALL THE TIME, YO

BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT WHICH IS WHY THIS IS FUNNY

THAT LITTLE GREEN GUY WITH THE TEETH IS THE FAMOUS ELECTRICITY MONSTER

HE IS SYNONYMOUS WITH ELECTRICITY

IF YOU LEAVE A ROOM WITH THE LIGHTS ON HE JUMPS OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND RIPS YOUR PENIS OFF TELLS YOU TO TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE DEEEEAAAAL WITH ELECTRICITY BILLS?

(JERRY STEINFELD)

WHEN I OPEN MY ELECTRICITY BILL, I GETS NO RESPECT I TELL YA

(BILL COSBY)

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS PLEASE INVEST IN SOLAR PANELS BECAUSE THIS PLANET IS GOING TO EXPLODE

THNX

Spam email of the week

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Subject: 123436 To the China Market Developer


I’m sorry—is this a children’s song?


1-2-3
4-3-6
To the China Market Developer!


Clap along, everyone!


1-2-3


Kid: This song doesn’t even rhyme. And the numbers are wrong.


Other kid: Yeah, this song blows.


YOU KIDS HAVE NO RESPECT.


2014 iFresh Fruit and Vegetable Expo
Shanghi International Exhibition Center,China
12th-14th June 2014


What is “iFresh Fruit”? Is that a—wait for it—Apple product? LOLZ.


HOLD UP, IMMA JUST DOWNLOAD THIS CANTALOUPE TO MY TUMMY RIGHT QUICK


iFresh Fru and Veg Expo


Fru and Veg!!!!


FRU and VEG


(slow voice)FRU AND VEG


We have officially crossed the threshold of acceptable abbreviations. Congratulations, everybody!


had booked out 143 exhibitors with 183 boothes( 117 boothes left)


Looks like the iFresh Fru and Veg Expo overbooked. Classic Fru and Veg mistake. You can’t make digital fruit plans before you have commitments! It’s putting the digital fruit cart before the iHorse, as the saying goes. And everyone knows the digital fruit communi…

Insects in outer space, on our kitchen counter

My wife bought the kids an ant farm. Actually, I guess they don’t call it an ant farm anymore for political correctness reasons—ants can live in hip, urban environments, too, you racist—so it’s actually called Ant Universe. The tagline of Ant Universe is “A Space Age Habitat For Ants!”
Indeed the space theme is well represented via a small, vertical block of hard plastic, which is filled with a solid blue gel. A mere glance at this magnificent structure will take your mind on a journey into the beautiful, infinite abyss of outer space. Also, I think the ants are supposed to wear tiny space helmets or something.
Speaking of the ants, they were only thing missing. Like the various marketed toys of my youth, the main attraction of Ant Universe was not included in Ant Universe. On discovering this, I couldn’t help but hear that fast-talking Micro-Machines guy voice say “antssoldseparately.” As such, my wife had ordered the ants from the ant factory (“$5plusshippingandhandling”), and we w…