Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Fwd:

This is a forward about nothing.

From: News

This is an email FROM news about  news and/or nothing. It's like I'm looking in a mirror of me looking in a mirror only it's a dream but the dream is Conception but actually it was Momento only to find out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

News [news-58@realestatepronews.com]

Real estate news is my favorite kind of news because it's very relevant to my life. What are the latest real estate trends? Is it a buyer's market or a farmer's market? Are interest rates something? Can I trust an agent who DOESN'T drive an absurd vehicle covered in real estate jargon? Does that house come with a dishwasher? When I have questions such as these, I don't actively research the answers myself, but instead wait to get an email from a pro in the field. Anyway, what is the news?

Freak space rock spins dusty trail

...

...

...

...

...

wtf

The Hubble telescope has spotted an asteroid radiating six comet-like tails, making it resemble a "rotating lawn sprinkler".

That's a ... that's the end of the email. That's the news. I just ... is this good news, like I should grab a telescope and try to see the rotating lawn sprinkler asteroid? Or is this bad news, like I should retreat to my underground bunker and await the asteroid apocalypse? Or is this real estate news, like now would be a good time to sell because the rotating lawn sprinkler asteroid radiating six comet-like tails is headed for your 'hood, homeboy?

In retrospect it would have been helpful if this particular email had a subject header. Nevertheless ... (peels off in stolen ReMax car to escape impending doom)

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: ????? ?? ???? [???? ???? ??]

Translation: "WHAAAAAAAA? [By the way, WHAAAAAAAA?]" I'm sure this will make more sense when I open it.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
الأخ / Buddy حفظه الله
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

نود أخبارك بأن صديقك:


It's like someone is speaking to me in dots and Arabic, but stops in the middle to call me buddy. I like this email. It is my favorite email.

Exact blueprints and videos in making the Hendershot Generator are provided so you can follow and make your own Hendershot Generator more convenient http://hendershotgenerator.de.pn

Oh cool thanks, this website will make it a lot more convenient for me to build my Hendershot Generator. To this point the only thing stopping me from building a Hendershot Generator from scratch was lack of convenience. One time I built a generator from LEGOs, and by generator I mean house, and by LEGOs I mean crayons. And by built I mean drew.

Click Here The first FREE ENERGY GENERATOR that violates all laws of Physics and humiliates top scientists even after 84 years making them scream ITS FROM GOD http://hendershotgenerator.de.pn

Hendershot Generator activated, produces paper printouts of cures for all diseases, then does 720-degree dunk on a 20-foot hoop, and then spits out beautiful woman wearing a bikini

Woman: Hey fellas. Can your "science" do this? (sticks out tongue and twerks)

Scientists: We are humiliated! We have been trying to do this for 84 years! (one of the scientists dies from failure)

Hendershot Generator: (in robot voice) CHECK THIS OUT CHUMPS ... (makes lots of noise) (poops out 24 karat bar of gold)

Scientists: IT'S FROM GOD

Click Here A fuelless generator in which a demonstration was even conducted before the US press in which the device passed all assessment tests http://hendershotgenerator.de.pn Click Here

Frank Hendershot: 'Sup U.S. press. Go ahead and give this bad boy all the assessment tests - it don't care.

U.S. press: Uh, we're just the press - we don't administer the tests, we just report the findings.

Frank Hendershot: That's what I THOUGHT, idiots.

U.S. press: It says here this thing's fuel-less. Is that true?

Frank Hendershot: You tell me ... (activates Hendershot Generator)

Hendershot Generator: AIN'T NOBODY GOT FUEL FOR THIS (makes lots of noise) DJ SCRIBBLE, WHAT'S POPPIN'?

DJ Scribble: (plays "Everybody Dance Now")

Hendershot Generator: (starts showing footage of monster truck rally)

U.S. press: What the ... I'm not sure you have a good grasp on what a generator is supposed to do.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

My mom – protecting the elderly from fake email since 2002


You may or may not recall, but my other venture aside from writing super important prose about things like changing the batteries in my smoke detectors is making fun of spam emails on my blog. The Lord’s work, I know, but I am not a hero. I am just a man.

One of my favorite things is when people send me their spam emails to write up. It makes me feel like “Dear Abby,” except that instead of solving people’s familial/emotional problems through great insight, I am recycling garbage on a blog that at least 10 people know/care about.

One of those 10 people is my mom who, believe it or not, also occasionally sends me her spam emails to write up. I have no doubt she tells all of her coworkers to forward her spam emails so she can send them to her son who makes fun of them on his blog. “You must be so proud,” they say to her, although my mom does not detect the sarcasm and responds, “I am, I am. Now I know it was worth it to go back to school myself so that I could get my nursing certification and pay for his Catholic education and also college.” Then her coworkers don’t know if that was sarcastic and just slowly back away from the conversation.

I talked to my mom recently and she said she had a spam email for me, only it was on her phone and she couldn’t figure out how to send it. I told her to just forward it to me as she would an email—because, you know, it’s an email—but this was apparently not an adequate suggestion. In my head I wished the Apple store employees luck and patience for when my mom arrived there to set up an appointment at the Genius Bar to figure out how to forward an email from her iPhone.

She was disappointed too because the spam email was pretty great, she said. It claimed to be from the FBI and came with detailed instructions about how to obtain her supposed lottery winnings.
“Wow, that does sound amazing,” I said.

“Yeah,” she said. “It kind of worried me, though. So I actually contacted the FBI to let them know.”

“Yeah. Wait, you what?”

Indeed my mom had gotten in touch with the FBI to alert them to her spam email. She was told to use their website to fill out a complicated form, although I’m sure the gist of the situation was provided in the section for additional comments: Dear FBI, someone is trying to impersonate you guys and they’re saying I won the lottery. My son writes about spam for a living so I am good at discerning these things. If you need me to appear in court to testify, please send the info to my regular email and not my phone because I am having trouble viewing email on my phone. Oh, and just to be sure, I didn’t actually win the lottery, did I? Ha, ha, j/k! Thanks, FBI! Love, Judy.

I asked my mom why she took time out of her very busy day to do this, and she said, “God forbid some 80-year-old woman gets fooled by this … it looks very legit.”

“Mom, why would the FBI be telling someone they won the lottery? That is the opposite of legit.”

“I know,” she said while she laughed, “but still. You never know. You hear all the stories. Of course, now they have all my information.”

I enjoyed the fact that my mom, who brings communion to the hospital on Sundays and who does things like contact the FBI about spam emails, was now worried about being in the FBI’s crosshairs like she were starring in The Bourne Identity.

Days later she finally managed to send me the email. It is as amazing as advertised. All she has to do to get her $2.4 million is send $96 in shipping to “Mr. Ken Jackson,” who is in charge of the “Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division,” ironically. Somewhere, an 80-year-old woman was doing just that before the actual FBI broke down her door and dramatically stopped her.

Thanks to my mom.

I guess you could say reporting on spam email runs in the family. But don’t call us heroes. It’s just the Lord’s work. 

"We found the perps, Mrs. Kenny, thanks to your tireless efforts. All four of 'em operating as 'Mr. Ken Jackson.' This country owes you its gratitude."

Note: This column appears in the 12/19 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/20 issue of the Peoria Times.

Facebook meme of the day


SO TRUE SO TRUE

TELL ME A FUNNY JOKE HUNCHBACK LADY HOLDING A MOP

Mop lady: DERP

DON'T GET IT TRY AGAIN

Mop lady: /urinates on floor/ OOPSIE

YO, YOU AIIIIGHT LADY? USE THE MOP FOR THAT DANG

Mop lady: KNOCK KNOCK

WHO'S THERE YO?

Mop lady: MY NECK

YOUR NECK WHO

Mop lady: JUST KIDDING I DON'T HAVE A NECK THAT'S THE JOKE

LOL I HAD A TERRIBLE DAY THAT JOKE MADE IT ALL GO AWAY

YOUR NECK IS HANGIN' OUT WITH YOUR CHIN IN THE BAHAMAS OR SOMETHIN'

Mop lady: IT'S ONLY FUNNY IF I SAY IT A$$HOLE

OH MY BAD

Mop lady: DID YA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE ASIAN AND THE BLACK GUY AND THE HOOKER

YO HOLD UP THAT DOESN'T SOUND RI--

Mop lady: THE BLACK GUY LIKES MY BUTT AND THE ASIAN GUY HAD A SMALL PENIS

THAT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU STEPPED OVER THE LINE HUNCHBACK MOP LADY

Mop lady: WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THE WHOLE PLANE OUT OF THE BLACK BOX

I'M OUT, YO

Friday, December 13, 2013

Facebook meme of the day


BOUT TO LET GO OF THIS HEART-SHAPED BALLOON

BALLOONS MAKE ME SAD :(

OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD ARE CANDY AND PONIES

BESIDES I ASKED THAT DANG CLOWN FOR THE FACE OF WALTER WHITE NOT A HEART

DUMBASS

SORRY FOR THE TYPO BUT IT'S HARD TO PROOFREAD SOMETHING WITH THIS MANY WORDS - DAILY DOSE

OH ALSO THE BALLOON IS A METAPHOR

SOMETHIN' BE MAKIN' YOU SAD JUST LET IT GO

DOG DIED?

LET THAT SH*T GO, YO

IT'S THAT EASY

STOP HOLDING ON TO YOUR DOG'S DEATH, JUST SEND IT INTO THE CLOUDS

/RELEASES WORLD POVERTY INTO SKY/

SEE?

AIN'T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT THAT NO MORE

FOLLOW MY LEAD, AFRICA

THROW 'DEM HUNGER PANGS UP INTO DA AIR/LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE

BOOM, HAPPINESS

YOU'RE WELCOME

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Spam email of the week


Subject: Interested in you.

/blushing./

I'm Miss  Anna  Tsunmc, i slim in stature above all i like being honesty,trusted, sincere.

Whoa, whoa, hold up, Miss Anna Tslssmncc. Hold up. All of those things you said? Is everything I am, too! I also like being honesty and am slim in stature. Hashtag destiny.

I have gone through your contact mail today,

You WHAT? I thought you like being trusted? J/k that is cool, whatevs.

it interest me to know you more, and I hope to use this opportunity to explain myself a little about me,

Your words … like poetry. Please, go on.

am yellow in completion,

wtf. You are Marge Simpson? I maybe would have started with a different physical characteristic and then gently delved into the fact that you are yellow, i.e. “I have super big boobs and long hair and a nice butt and I like to make sex a lot also I have yellow skin no big deal.”

I guess it’s possible “completion” is not a typo but that you completed your outfit today by tossing on a yellow sweater? No? No. You are actually yellow. Okay. I will try and look past this.

Somethings I like to do in my spare time are gardening, home improvement projects, camping, bicycling in the park, backyard bar-b-ques, moon-lite walks on the beach, preparing candle-lite dinners for someone special, sending flowers to someone special for some reasons,

Here are some reasons to send flowers to someone special:
  • Happy birthday maybe?
  • Looking forward to our moon-lite walk on the beach later
  • Sorry I am yellow
  • I will plant these later in the garden after I build the deck
  • I went through your contact mail, who is "wifey?" Why don't you give these to HER you bastard
  • Don’t forget to pick up meat products for our backyard bar-b-que I love you 

sitting and watching the sun set with someone special, and cuddling in front of a fire with someone special.

You have an excellent grasp on romance for someone who was dropped on Earth yesterday.

I enjoy cooking, gardening, playing billiards, darts, dinning out, going to the cinema, traveling and site-seeing, museums, and concerts.

This may be the love-induced adrenaline talking, but what say we go plant some petunias, take in one of those talking movie shows at the local cinema, and then hustle some fools in darts?

I like almost any kind of music, but I think my favorite is instrumental jazz.

Oh snap, DEAL BREAKER. Sorry. What kind of monster are you?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

An open letter to whoever built our smoke detectors


Dear smoke alarm company:

Two years ago I wrote what could have been considered an open letter regarding your product line. In the months since I have seen no improvement, only regression. Here is another letter because I hate you.

We recently had guests visit our home, guests who included two boys, 2 and 5 years old. As they slept—as we all slept—at around 3 a.m. I was greeted with the all-too-familiar sound of “Beep … … … … … … beep … … … … … … beep.”

The Arizona weather had dipped below freezing, which is to say it had plummeted to an overnight low of 60 degrees, making it an absurd 73 degrees inside our home. As such, the extreme cold had drained the battery on one of our smoke alarms—one of your smoke alarms.

I jumped out of bed in a panic and ran to the hallway to try and determine from which of our 28 smoke detectors the beep was coming. Luckily for me, the beep was not coming from the room where our guests’ boys were sleeping. (Lucky for you, too, because if it had been I would be filing a lawsuit instead writing this pleasant letter.) Instead it was coming from the room where my own girls slept.

I retrieved the ladder from the garage because that is a fun thing to do at 3 a.m. and I lugged it upstairs. My efforts to quietly enter my girls’ room were rendered moot when I saw both of them sitting up and quaking back and forth in fear saying, “What is that noise daddy, IS IT A MONSTER?”

I assured my girls it was only the faint beep of one of your terribly inefficient products and I climbed the ladder to change the battery. The old battery slid out of its holder and hit me on the head to add injury to insult, although it did lighten the mood of my daughters. As usual, the alarm continued to beep for about 5-10 minutes even after the new battery was installed because you have somehow managed to manufacture a line of products that must adjust to the reality of a new battery rather than be positively affected right away. One of my daughters’ dinky, plastic, talking toys is more adaptable than your product, which is supposed to be life-saving.

Oh, and guess who was now wide awake and ready to play? I tried calling a representative of your company to come to the house and watch our girls while my wife and I slept, but nobody answered. Maybe the batteries on your phones died.

A week later, as my wife was leaving the house, a different smoke detector above where our dog stays during the day starting beeping. Because this noise scares the crap out of our dog, my wife had to move him upstairs for the day so that all of his hair didn’t fall out and he didn’t experience post traumatic stress syndrome and have to see one of those dog therapists. Before leaving, my wife had to put the heat on in an attempt to silence the beep, as this is a strategy that has worked in the past. Congratulations on your contributions to energy-efficiency.

That evening I changed the battery on that smoke detector, and when I did it sent a shockwave of extremely loud and dramatic beeps throughout the house that sent the dog and children running for the exits. I imagine this is the sound the alarms are intended to make when activated by actual smoke, but I agree that it's equally important they make the same noise when a battery is changed. All of this makes sense and is convenient.

I now sit in anticipation of the winter months, and one-by-one each smoke detector emitting a faint but maddeningly consistent beep in the wee hours of the night. As I wait, I urge you to look into designing a product that does not rely on a battery that drains when exposed to temperatures considered ideal in most locales. I am also submitting bills for reimbursement for batteries, our heating, and dog therapy. You’ll know it’s from me because I will include the note, “Beep, beep mother beeeeeeeeeeeep.”


ERRONEOUS REPRESENTATION

Note: This column appears in the 12/12 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/13 issue of the Peoria Times.

Facebook meme of the day


DANG YO CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD BE A MIME OR A CLOWN

THING IS I REALLY WANT TO BE A CPA

ARE YOU THERE, GOD?

IT'S ME, STEVE

THE CLOWN GUY

TRYING TO GET SOME GUIDANCE OUT IN THIS BARREN FIELD

/HONKS NOSE/

IS ANYBODY THERE?

Voice from Heaven: You must make a "choice" (voice makes air quotes) to take a "chance" or your life will never "change," clown Steve.

YOU'RE RIGHT, YO

Voice from Heaven: Sorry for the delay, clown Steve. Didn't recognize you in your pea coat and jeans.

THAT'S AIIIIIGHT, YO, FRIDAY IS DRESS DOWN DAY

IMMA JUST EAT THIS APPLE OFF THIS WEIRD TREE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS

/EATS APPLE/

/TURNS INTO FIRST SUCCESSFUL CLOWN CPA/

Thursday, December 05, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: To:Air Purification ,,,13,000 hrs UV Lights,,,Amalgam Lights & Electronic Ballasts

In my mind I am picturing a man standing on a table in the middle of a crowded bar, glass in hand and raised to the sky, screaming, "To air purification! (crowd screams in delight) ... To 13,000 hours of UV lights! (crowd a little bit less enthused) ... To amalgam lights and electronic ballasts!" (crowd is like, "Alright hold up, now that's going too far.") (Also in my mind, three commas = ellipses.)

Dear Purchasing Manager to Air Purification Company,

Close.

This is Gina from CREATOR UV & IR Lighting Co.,Ltd. in Guangzhou.

Hi Gina in Guangzhou! It turns out "Gina" is the third most popular name in the sub-provincial Chinese city of Guangzhou, so everything here checks out.

CREATOR Lighting has participated in Exhibition of AHR EXPO in USA  for three consecutive times.

Indeed your reputation precedes you, CREATOR Lighting. I was a guest speaker at the AHR Expo back in 2011 (topic: "Electronic Ballasts: What Gives?") and all the buzz was about CREATOR Lighting and could this amazing company sustain the success of their rookie season. The next two consecutive times would go on to prove: no diggity.

We are pleasure to recommend below CREATOR UV Products for you.

The pleasure are all mine, Gina from Guangzhou. Hit me off with the realness. (Note: These are actual, real attached jpgs to this email.)


This one is called "U-shaped Amalgam lamp." This is what a U looks like in Guangzhou. For all the real amalgam heads out there, this is basically air purification pornography. NSFW.




Who wants some "UV ballasts?" Pick your flava, playa. I'm partial to the black one because you know what they say - once you go black UV ballast, you never go back (because of their long cords - look at that thing!). Oops also NSFW.



This is, obviously, a "complete set of UV systems." As purchasing manager for an air purification company, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I would have no idea what to do with these things if they were handed to me. I would probably have a sword-fight with the two long thingees and try to charge my phone with the whatchamacalit. Nevertheless, hit me off with three of everything, Gina, and say wussup to my Guangzhou brotha from anotha motha, Vinny.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Facebook meme of the day


OH SNAP THIS VAGINAL BIRTH REENACTMENT HAS REALLY PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE

HOW MANY DELS (UNITS) OF PAIN IS IT WHEN YOU GIVE BIRTH TO A 2-YEAR-OLD BOY?

MAD DELS, YO

GRAB HIM BY THE EYEBROWS DOC AND PULL HIM OUT OF THE VAGINA, IS HOW YOU DO IT

THEN CUT THE CORD AND SEND HIM TO GREAT CLIPS

THIS MEME BE LIKE, "HUMANS CAN ONLY HANDLE 45 PAIN UNITS. BUT HOLD UP, BECAUSE HUMANS CAN HANDLE 57 PAIN UNITS, MY BAD. FEEL THE LOVE"

I FRACTURED 20 BONES JUST LOOKING AT THIS MEME, FOR REAL

IS THIS SCIENTIFIC CHART DRAWN TO SCALE? DOC'S HANDS BE LOOKING LIKE DOOGIE HOWSER COMPARED TO MOM'S LEG, JUST SAYIN

I NEVER THOUGHT MOTHERS LOVED UNTIL THIS MEME

GUESS NOBODY EVER SHOWED ME AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF VAGINAL PAIN

NOW I KNOW

NOW I KNOW

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

OR CHRISTMAS WHATEVS

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Paying through the nose to have the no-travel blues


I had to venture into our family’s fireproof box of priceless valuables for something recently, and got distracted by its contents. Our daughters’ birth certificates. Detailed instructions written out by my father-in-law about how to access his safe deposit box at the bank if he “doesn’t survive Obama’s presidency” that include various passwords and a minuscule key that seems custom made for a dollhouse. An encased Michael Jordan basketball card that I had planned to retire on but, at last search, was literally worth less than the fireproof box in which it resides. My passport.

I opened my passport book, humored by the idea that I once harbored dreams of traveling the globe. I had obtained a passport solely for our honeymoon to Barbados, a trip that took place almost 10 years ago. Its lack of cool travel stamps confirmed that I had not stepped off North American soil since. Also, I noticed, it was set to expire in two months.

I needed to renew my passport, and I was probably already too late. When I first entertained the idea of getting a passport many years ago, I would hear all these various warnings about the absurd length of time it takes for one to process. “If you’re even thinking about getting a passport you should do it now! Those things take like four years to get back. They’re like the Olympics. If you want to go abroad for your honeymoon, you should file for one before you even fall in love.”

Making matters worse was that, according to my wife, who heard it on “The Today Show,” the government shutdown had set back things like passports for months. Maybe years. Decades? One day of government production = six months civilian time, I guess.

Still, I figured it was better to at least try to renew then let it expire and get deported because I had nothing current to show Sheriff Joe. So I went about renewing my passport, which is a super fun thing to do when you have no imminent travel plans because your two girls can’t handle Safeway, much less Australia.

Speaking of super fun, having the Department of State website gently guide you through the process is a virtual obstacle course of silly hijinks: Fill out form D/SS2343 if you are renewing. If first time application or if you plan to travel with bags use form D/SS2343J, which MUST be obtained in person at participating government branch (lone participating branch in Gainesville, Fla). Use the checklist—if anything is missing from application you WILL be arrested for treason. STAPLE PHOTO VERTICALLY OR DEMOCRACY ENDS. I have a dang bachelor’s degree and I’m 100 positive my renewal application is going to be returned stamped “Fail.”

Also, guess how much it is to renew your passport? Seriously, just take a guess. Ha, ha, wrong! It’s $110. One hundred and ten dollars. For a dinky passport book! You can publish and distribute a series of children’s books for less than that. I actually cannot afford to travel now because of the cost of the documentation that allows me to do so.

And you have to mail it out with, according to the website, a “device tracking service.” I told the guy at the post office I needed one of those and without looking up he just stamped something and asked me if any liquids were in my flat, manila envelope.And I owed him $7.87.

Oh, and you also have to get your picture taken. While driving the girls to and from various things last Saturday, I hurriedly stopped in Walgreens to have my updated passport photo taken. The kind woman excitedly asked, “So, where are you going?”

“Nowhere,” I said. “I am going … nowhere.”

She specifically told me not to smile because, I guess, the government frowns on smiling. Then, this happened:

Booked on charges of wanting
to go to Europe one day

That picture cost me $11.99 plus tax.

Thank God this will just be sitting in a fireproof box when it gets here in six years.

Note: This column appears in the 12/5 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/6 issue of the Peoria Times.