Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: There is something I wanted to share with you..

Okay. That's pretty much implied when you send someone an email. Nevertheless!

If I were u I would never tell to any of friends that such a girl is
writing to u because she really makes mouths water!


And we're off! Here is me talking to my friends, trying to withhold this valuable information.

T-Mac: ... And then we made out all night! She was so hot! Like from a magazine or something. Hey Coop - toss me a brewskie, will ya'? All this talk about hot chicks is making me thirsty. For beer.

Me: That's a good one, T-Mac. Well, pretty good, I guess.

T-Mac: Hey man, whaddya mean "pretty good?"

Coop: Yeah, sounds like you got somethin' to say, K-Dawg ...

Me: Nah, it's nothing. She just ... didn't want me to say anything.

T-Mac: Oh that's bs, man! Cough up the goods, K-dawg - your with "The Crew," and you remember our motto?

Everyone: "Don't keep secrets from your bros, especially about hot chicks."

Me: Alright, alright ... she's gonna kill me, but here goes: This chick, right? She wrote to me. On email. Said she makes mouths water.

T-Mac: Whoa! She sounds hot ... TO THE MAX!

Me: I know, right?

Coop: Then what?

Me: That's it. I haven't read the rest of the email yet.

T-Mac: Wait, why didn't she want you to tell us that she makes mouths water?

Me: I don't know, probably because you guys would like, try to steal her or something.

T-Mac: What? Pfft. That's ridonk, bro! This is The Crew! We never - hey, where's Coop?

Me: Oh snap, he's trying to log on to my email! THAT'S MY GIRL, COOP!

I'm Glinda and I'm such a hot girl, u know)

Well, I don't know for sure. But I'm going to take your word for it because all this seems totes legit, GLINDA.

I have seen your profile page and I liked it, so I decided to write to you!
I wanna know you better. Probably we could make smth out, who knows?


Who knows? Maybe we will get married and have five children and your mom can move in with us when she gets dementia.

How did you guys meet?

Oh, me and Glinda? Well ... do you wanna tell, honey? Okay, I'll tell. Glinda here found a picture of me on the Internet and sent me an email saying that she is hot and makes guys mouths water. Ha, ha, she was kind of a weird slut. But there was something there ... some kind of connection. So a couple weeks later I met her in the food court of the mall and I soon discovered that she was okay looking, I guess, so we made something out of it. And here we are! How about you guys?

I forgot to tell you about myself.

You did! Luckily there's still time, since you're writing an email.

So, I am 26 and I work for one
pretty big retailer firm as a office manager. I'm 5'4, brown haired
with amazing breasts)


Welp, that's pretty much all I need to know. Here is my checklist for the perfect woman:
  • 5'4"
  • named after a character from the Land of Oz
  • works for pretty big retailer (not too big like JC Penney, but not too small like some mom and pop nonsense)
  • confident
  • amazing breasts, obvs
  • adorably thinks a closing parenthesis is a smiley face because she is a moron
  • brown hair
I guess it's the time for you to write smth)

I guess so, huh? Well here goes:

I am 35, happily married, have two girls who basically have special needs, and I make a decent living (zero dollars, annually) making fun of spam emails. I, too, make mouths water ... when I make my special mac n' cheese dinner. Also I have periodontal disease, maybe. My name is Scarecrow.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Black Friday: Dividing the great country Columbus founded

I think the most divisive American holiday is Black Friday. Even more divisive than Columbus Day, whose namesake people are just now realizing was maybe not very nice. Possibly Black Friday could be renamed Columbus Day since Columbus had a black heart and also bought commodities (9-year-old girls, natives) at a discount. Please call your congressman if you agree.

Oh, what’s that? Black Friday isn’t a holiday? Well, most people have off from work and you can buy a new mattress with no payments for 12 months so … it’s a holiday.

Like many, I had always assumed the “black” in Black Friday represented the sheer awfulness of the experience of going out and shopping that day. Who can forget the brave woman who lost her foot in the double sliding doors of Sears back in ’94? Probably a lot of people since it never happened, but still. It happened.

But recent years have beaten us over the head with the fact that the black signifies how stores go from red into black on this day, financially speaking. I think it was John D. Rockefeller himself who defined capitalism as “when retailers can bleed money for months and months and get it all back in one day thanks to the unofficial start of a shopping season that commemorates Christ’s birth.” God bless America.

No doubt it is our duty to help produce corporate profit, and there are two types of Americans: those who love to shop on Black Friday and those who have jobs and/or families and/or a sense of perspective. And it’s not like the latter group shirks its responsibility as Americans since Cyber Monday allows them to get their shopping done the old fashioned way—while at work.

Judging from my earlier statement re: sheer awfulness of the experience of going out and shopping that day, you can guess which camp I fall into. But even my wife who, when you compliment something she is wearing will respond not with a thank you but by saying, “Guess how much I paid? Seriously, take a guess,” resides safely with me on the side of common sense. It is from this side we watch in awe the footage of people shopping at 5 a.m. or even midnight, and realize the side of common sense is the overwhelming minority.

I will not judge the other side. Although I will because like I said, it’s a divisive holiday. I think it’s neat-o to take advantage of a day off by waking up earlier than you would have if you had to go to work just so you can go fight to spend money alongside an army of like-minded and aggressive humans. Plus parking lots are always fun. It’s like, who wants to be having a relaxing pancake breakfast with their family when they could be jostling for position in a Walmart checkout line? Not me, that’s who.

Someone from this species once said to me, “But that is our family bonding experience, my daughter and I get up super early every year to shop on Black Friday … it’s our tradition!” I certainly can’t argue with that, although it should be mentioned this family’s Fourth of July tradition is setting off fireworks in each other’s pants.

Truth be told, our family does have one great Black Friday retail-related memory. Some years back, Target was promoting its Black Friday sale by allowing online users to set up pre-recorded wake-up calls from celebrities. My wife and I thought this was super dumb, so obviously we went online and set the service up to call my sister Jill at 4 a.m. Black Friday morning. The list of celebrity voices was thin, so we chose Kermit the Frog.

As we sat at the table eating breakfast, we asked Jill if she received any weird calls that morning. “Actually yeah,” she said, “Kermit the Fr—” and then she was struck by the ridiculousness of her own words and realized what had happened. Had she actually heeded Kermit the Frog’s advice, we never would have been able to share the laugh we did that morning.

It was the best Columbus Day ever!

(Did that work? No? Darn.)

 FUN!

Note: This column appears in the 11/27 issue of The Glendale Star and 11/29 BLACK FRIDAY issue of the Peoria Times.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The creeper

We were sleeping soundly, my wife and I, one recent weekend morning. It was pitch black, the sun still seemingly hours away from rising. It was a blissful moment of much-needed rest that was interrupted by my wife’s panicked scream.

AHHHHHHHHH!

I popped my head up fast and, although my eyes were still groggy and adjusting to my surroundings, I immediately saw the source of my wife’s terror. It was a haunting silhouette of a child next to my wife’s side of the bed, her head eerily illuminated by the light coming from the monitor that we keep nearby which looks into the girls’ room. My heart skipped a beat, and for a brief moment I wondered if we were in the middle of some demented, Children of the Corn-esque horror movie. The shadowy child said nothing, but looked on, stoic, undeterred by our panic.

Finally she spoke, undoubtedly, I figured, to reveal some demented clue that may help us escape a terrible fate—“Seek the medallion from the evil jester in three midnights or beware, beWAAAAARE!”—before disappearing completely.

“I want to get in your bed,” the child whispered ominously.

“What the … NO!” my wife, her heart still beating a mile a minute, bravely and defiantly said to the mysterious figure.

Silence as the apparition pondered her next move. Then:

“I have to go poop.”

Friday, November 22, 2013

Facebook meme of the day


YOU TELL 'EM LADY WITH A MOP AND BUCKET

PEOPLE SAY I CAN'T TALK ABOUT POOP CAUSE I'M "35"

PFFT

POOP BE STANKIN' AMIRITE?

BOUT TO GO RIDE THE SLIDE AT MCDONALD'S PLAYLAND

"OUTTA THE WAY KIDS THIS MAKES ME HAPPY AND I'M NOT HURTING ANYONE"

"EXCEPT LIL DUDE O'ER THERE, MY BAD PLAYA - DIDN'T MEAN TO KICK YOU IN THE DOME"

THIS LADY BE LIKE, "I'M ONLY 29 BUT I CAN BE AN OLD MAID IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY"

I BET SHE ABOUT TO CLEAN UP SOME POOP LOL

ACTUALLY JUST DID SOME RESEARCH AND IT SAYS WE HAVE TO ACT OUR AGE IN THE CONSTITUTION

SO ERRRBODY JUST CHILL OUT, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE THESE MEMES

PLEASE FORGIVE THE POOP JOKES BOUT TO GO WRITE OUT A MORTGAGE CHECK OR SOMETHIN'

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re: Web Design & Development

Okay, right off the bat I want to mention that this spam email is not interesting or funny in any way EXCEPT that it is:

From: Akon

 Hi,

HI AKON

  Hope you are well.

HOPE YOU ARE WELL TOO AKON

                          I just wanted to check if you had received my last mails sent.

OH NO! I haven't received any prior emails from you, Akon. What's up with that? I feel like I definitely would have remembered if I received an email from Senegalese American R&B and hip-hop recording artist Akon. (checks junk email folder) Nope. Nothing. I guess it's lost in cyberspace, huh, Akon? LOL. Seriously though I feel bad about this, like we're off on the wrong foot.

        Haven't heard back from you, just wondering if you are interested in our services.

I am DEFINITELY interested in your services. I want you to sing at my birthday party. Is that what this is about?

Do let me know if you are interested and I would be happy to share you more details about our past work details, client testimonials and price list.

THANKS AKON

"He is good at singing choruses and also at web development." - Gwen Stefani

"When we collaborated on 'Sexy Bitch,' he was nice." -
David Guetta

                                         Looking forward for your positive response.

It's YOUR positivity that's contagious, Akon. I feel like this is the start of a lifelong business and also personal relationship. As such I would like you to redesign my website and also to be my best friend and I will be in all your music videos drinking champagne and actin' the fool because I have made so much money thanks to my site redesign. If you feel like that's a great idea let's shake on it.



Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Five hundred family pictures please, and hold the cheese

It wasn’t like I actively fought against having family pictures taken—it was actually never discussed. My wife and I share a distaste for all things cheesy, so I assumed she found the idea of professional family pictures as cheesy as I did. Then one day a couple weeks ago she was like, “We’re having our pictures taken Saturday,” and handed me a hot pink necktie.

Darn.

When I think of family pictures, two things immediately come to mind. The first is walking into someone’s house and seeing a humongous family portrait over the fireplace where the family is dressed in all white and laughing pleasantly as they walk along a white sandy beach during an apparent dream sequence. Who could ever compete with such a clear representation of Caucasian happiness?

“Welcome to our home. You know this is really our home because that is our family above the fireplace, see? I trust you and your family have had similar blissful experiences ... ”

“Uh, actually we had to stop at a gas station bathroom on the way here because this one (points sideways with thumb to daughter) threw up fish tacos on her new shirt.”

The second thing that comes to mind are mailers from dentists. You never get a mailer from a dentist that is just a picture of the dentist like, “Hello, I am a dentist. Trust me.” It’s always like, “I am a dentist, and this is my wife Emily and my eight beautiful girls who are maybe all receiving Communion today? Also my mother-in-law Barb, her cat Sparkle, etc., etc. My point is that we are super good-looking and also I do root canals.”

Having no fireplace and not being a dentist, I thought we were in the clear. But apparently adopting daughter No. 2 prompted the need to capture photographic evidence that we are a functioning, well-dressed family unit. Considering I’d be the only male represented in this shoot (the dog wasn’t invited, for some reason), it was safe to assume the theme wouldn’t be baseball.

We met outside of Sunrise Mountain Library. The photographer’s sister/assistant took all the girls inside to do their hair while the photographer was nice enough to shoot some professional headshots of me. The (only) cool thing about being a writer is that you can have professional headshots done and it’s not weird or narcissistic. Curious library patrons looked on as I did various (sexy) poses and thought to themselves, who is that guy? Afterwards I was like, “You probably didn’t recognize me because I’m taller in person, but I’m Mike, publications manager for The Glendale Star. Who wants an autograph?”*

Now we were almost ready for the family shoot, and the photographer asked if I could help her get the props out of her car.

Props?

Ten minutes later I was sitting under a tree, in a canopy, wearing a pink boa and pretending to have a tea party with my two daughters. Flustered by the whole experience, I ended up fake pouring creamer into the sugar bowl, which was embarrassing, as if this was my first tea party or something.

Only two hours later, the shoot was done. Admittedly, it was fun, and the pictures came out great and not at all cheesy, all things considered. Afterwards we all, while still dressed similarly in our photo shoot attire, went out for Chinese food. Everybody probably thought I was a famous dentist or something, which probably explains why we got our fortune cookies for free.

*no one, apparently

Note: This column appears in the 11/21 issue of The Glendale Star and the 11/22 issue of the Peoria Times.

Oh, and here it is: 




Friday, November 15, 2013

Facebook meme of the day


ONE OF MY FLAWS IS THAT SOMETIMES I NEGLECT TO USE APOSTROPHES.

THATS JUST ME YALL.

JOIN ME WHILE I GAZE OUT ONTO SELF-AFFIRMATION MOUNTAIN.

STUPID ASS MOUNTAIN BE THINKING IM SOMEBODY ELSE - DEAL WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS YOU BIG PILE OF ROCKS.

YOU DONT LOVE ME.

GOT A SCAR ON MY LEG FROM TRYIN TO CLIMB SELF-AFFIRMATION MOUNTAIN BACK IN '05.

GOT A SCAR ON MY HEART FROM WHEN THE SHERPA I FELL IN LOVE WITH WAS LIKE DAMN YOU TALK TOO MUCH I'M OUT.
.
THAT'S AIIIIIGHT THOUGH TRUE LOVE WILL FIND ME

IM OVER HERE TRUE LOVE, JUST FOLLOW THE SCENT OF FEBREZE.

I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT PLEASE SEE PAST THEM SO I'M NOT ALONE.

IM JUST ME.

THESE ARE DAVE'S WORDS OF WISDOM NOT MINE.

DAVE BE MAD WISE, YO. DAVE FIND ME IN THE COMMENTS I LEFT MY NUMBER AND MEASUREMENTS.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: get high quality cheap price brand t-shirt shoes from here

What are t-shirt shoes? I want t-shirt shoes.

Dear sir,

Have a good day there.


Thanks, chief. Go ahead and have a good there yourself, okay champ? Keep on truckin'. And hey, big guy over there - have yourself a good day too, why doncha. I'm handin' out good day wishes like lollipops over here ... feeling good about things. Where were we? Are we done? Is that the end of the email? I never found out about the t-shirt shoes.

Our company sell high quality cheap price brand items.

Might wanna go ahead and proofread your work there, big fella. No biggie for me though, I'm just a regular Joe like you, and I like the cut of your jib. I'm buying what you're selling. What are you selling?

Such as A&F Polo Armani Burberry Coogi Lacoste Ed Hardy Gucci Louis Vuitton Style Guess Versace Tommy Prada clothing

They got these things called "commas" now, you should check 'em out when you get a hot minute. They're real good at separating objects and thoughts and stuff. Again, no problem for me, a lunchpail, hardhat type of fella. Anyway, this all sounds reeeaaaaaal nice. Been trying to get a Coogi cardigan on the cheap for some time now, plus I'd love to get the ol' ball and chain a nice Hardy Gucci dress. I watch Project Runway.

Jordan Woman Jordan Burberry Dolce Gabbana Ed Hardy Gucci Nike Free Nike Women Sneakers Nike Man Puma Prada Kids UGG Boot Vans shoes Welcome to check our site for more information.

Take a breath, big fella. Deeeeep breath. You good? Good. Me too. Listen - I was as skeptical as anyone when Michael Jordan teamed up with Jordin Sparks and then they both teamed up with Burberry to create a line of women's faux fur hats. But I've seen the results, and the results are fantastic. Put me down for three of those. And throw some Puma Prada Kids on there, too. YOLO.

We provide best service Quality:AAA Payment : Money Gram ,Western Union
Distribution: Sodexi, TNT, FedEx, EMS, UPS (Drop ship , mix order are accepted.)


Me: Yes, hi, I'd like to pay for these Nike Free Nike Women Sneakers Nike with my AAA card.

Cashier: Ooooh, I'm so sorry, sir, but that's not a thing.

Me: Oh. (puts card back in wallet) Do you accept money gram?

Cashier: Of course! And how would you like these shipped? May I recommend TNT?

Me: Wait - does that mean Rizzoli & Isles will personally deliver these?

Cashier: Yes, sir. Yes it does.

Me: Oh word is bond.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Was it all a dream? Surgery-related texts from mom

When my phone buzzed just before 5 a.m. Monday morning, I knew it was someone from my family back East since they never consider the time zone difference when texting. (The flood of annual 4 a.m. texts makes for something other than a happy birthday.)

Half asleep, I fumbled for my phone and sure enough, it was my mom. The text—which she somehow duplicated to come through twice, classic mom—read, “Dad’s in recovery, everything went well!”

Great, I thought as I put the phone down and attempted to enjoy another five minutes of sleep before my alarm went off. That’s a relief.

Wait, what?

In a familiar scenario as it pertains to my family, I had no idea what my mom was talking about. Did my dad just have surgery? What kind of surgery? Did I know about this? I definitely did not know about this. Was it all a dream?

Granted, it had been more than a week since I had spoken to my parents, but I felt like I would have remembered if, when we last spoke, they had mentioned that my dad was, ya’ know, going under the knife. Of course, the running joke is that my parents will run the gamut of useless information during conversations—what appetizer they shared at the restaurant; the status of the new roof construction at their local church; the time, date and location of the upcoming root canal of their next door neighbor (maybe I could send a card)—and somehow avoid dispensing information that could be considered a crucial part of family dialogue. I could talk to my dad for 45 minutes about who the Yankees should play at third base, and then I’ll talk to my sister the next day and she’ll say, “So I guess dad told you I started my own company … ”
I texted my mom back, “That’s great, but ummm … recovery from WHAT?”

She responded, “Remember he had the fissure in his behind?”

If I could tangibly capture, embrace, and have bronzed the one thing that most accurately encompasses life in the Kenny family, it would be the words, Remember he had the fissure in his behind? received pre-dawn on a Monday morning. The oldest living Kenny would hold onto these words, keeping them in a hidden location in a fireproof box, and then symbolically pass them down to the next generation of Kennys from his/her deathbed.

She continued, “Dad said we must have told you when the kids were arguing in the back seat, haha! Anyway, he’s fine, pain hasn’t kicked in yet, he’ll be home for a few days.”

Believe me I have been known to forget important things, especially when they’re told to me over the phone while I’m driving and two girls are singing “On Top of Spaghetti” at the top of their lungs from the back seat, but I still had no recollection of receiving such information. I pictured my dad the previous evening, looking anxiously at his phone and finally saying, “Welp, never heard from Mike to wish me luck on my anal fissure surgery. Guess I’ll turn in and hope for the best tomorrow.” And I felt really bad.

Did I forget/wasn’t listening, or was I never told? It didn’t really matter, I figured, the important thing was that the pain hadn’t kicked in yet. So there was still time?

I called my dad that evening to see how he was doing and to express my regret. I told him there was only one way for me to make it up to him, and that’s to do the only thing I know how to do. “Dad, I’ll write about this. That way everyone will know I didn’t wish you well before your anal fissure surgery, and also that you had anal fissure surgery.” He didn’t respond. The pain had kicked in.

Actually, did I really say that? I don’t remember. Was it all a dream? I guess we’ll find out when he reads this.

Note: This column appears in the 11/14 issue of The Glendale Star and the 11/15 issue of the Peoria Times.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Can I Please Pay You?

Yes.

I am offering an ad with unlimited earning potential.

Well HELLO to you, too. Sheesh. No manners. Back in my day spam emails always began with a pleasant greeting before getting down to business. Spam emails these days ... they don't even ask how my penis is doing anymore. Anyway, I'm in. Where do I sign?

This ad has the ability to earn more money than any of your flat rate ads.

I have a question: Who is placing this ad, you or me? How much money are my flat rate ads earning and how do you know that? What is a flat rate ad? Whodunnit? Is this about that thing?

Our advertising offer:

1.       We pay you monthly.


Again, I am not sure what is happening, but I accept.

2.       We provide you with a unique coupon code.

How unique? I want my coupon code to be this:



MOIST *765

3.       We pay you 15% of every transaction that uses your unique coupon code in our online shopping cart.

I still honestly don't know if you are trying to sell me something or aggressively informing me that we are already in business together.

6.       People will be encouraged to use your  unique coupon code, because it permits a 45% shopping cart discount off of the advertised retail prices.

People love coupon codes. People are sheep. HOW DO I GROUPON THIS COUPON CODE IN THE PROMO CODE SECTION? Ha, look at how dumb you sound, sheeple.

7.       You receive $2.47 for every 6 oz jar sold (with your coupon code).

Oh cool I am/you are selling jars? Is there anything in the jars? I like jars with stuff better than empty jars, but hey, you're the boss. Maybe we can put jelly beans in the jars and make people gues-- (gunshot grazes top of head)

We are Dirty Organics and we sell organic coconut oil.

"We are Dirty Organics and we sell organic coconut oil" is the most definitive statement about anything I have ever heard. Also, Dirty Organics is a great name for a company that sells products to be ingested. "Oh, you're dirty? I want to eat whatever you are selling," is what many people are saying all the time.

Our website has approximately 200 articles in our “Product Tips” section, covering a wide range of subjects including: health, love, cooking, massage, skin and hair.

We are Dirty Organics and we sell organic coconut oil. What else would you like to know about love and massages? Our advice is to rub organic coconut oil on the person you'd like to procreate with, and then use more organic coconut oil to cook them sauteed green beans. Also don't forget about health. Please use your dumbass coupon code to earn 45 percent off our dirty jars, thnx, k bye.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Facebook meme of the day


"Oh snap, did someone kill your parents like in Batman?"

WHAT? NO I JUST HATE ERRRRBODY FOR VARIOUS INCONSEQUENTIAL REASONS

"For real? Maybe you should get off Facebook for a while and seek some counseling or whatever because you're always sharing memes about killing people, like literally killing people."

PFFT.

FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT MAD DUDES WOULD BE STRAIGHT DEAD RIGHT NOW IF I WASN'T SO SCARED OF PRISON. GRANTED, PRISON WAS CREATED AS A DETERRENT FOR THINGS LIKE MURDER AND STUFF, SO THIS MEME IS KIND OF JUST REAFFIRMING THE PURPOSE OF A SOCIETAL INSTITUTION, BUT Y'ALL STILL BE HATIN'. IMMA KILL YOU JUST FOR HATIN'. WHERE'S MY GUN? OOPS FORGOT ABOUT PRISON FOR A HOT MINUTE.

I THINK MY STRONG DESIRE TO KILL IS BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY REPUTED MODERN KILLING MACHINE HOMER SIMPSON WIT A GUN TO YO' FACE. MY FAVORITE QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE IS THE ONE WHERE HOMER SIMPSON KILLS SAMUEL L. CLARKSON AT THE END. I HAVE A GOOD GRASP OF POP CULTURE AND ITS IDENTIFIABLE PERSONALITIES.

"GO AHEAD MAKE MY DAY, YIPPIE KAY-YAY AND ALSO HASTA LA VISTA, TERMINATOR." - HOMER SIMPSON IN "KILL BILL VOL: DEAD"

"DOH!" - RAMBO IN "RAMBO: MARGE GETS A NEW DRESS"

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Weekend morning in the fall – a dramatization

Here is a dramatization of me cooking Trader Joe’s pumpkin pancakes on a weekend morning in the fall.

Who wants pumpkin pancakes? Yes, I AM a good father. Babe, clear the kitchen and hold all my calls.

What? No, this recipe doesn’t call for eggs. Trust me, it doesn’t. Fine, I’ll double-check, but I’m telling you ... (checks box) … you’ve got to be kidding me. This must be a different kind of mix than I remember. We have eggs, right? (checks refrigerator) I’ll be right back.

(25 minutes later)

Who wants pumpkin pancakes?

Babe, when it says milk, I can use rice milk, right? What do you mean “at my own risk?” What’s the difference? Well I would have gotten milk at the store if I realized I needed it. Because I stopped reading the box after I saw “one egg,” that’s why. Whatever.

Babe, how do you use this double-sided measuring thingee again? Which side is for liquids and which side is for solid—PANCAKE MIX SPILL, arg! Someone get the dog out of here.

(10 minutes later)

Okay, LET’S DO THIS.

The last time I did this it didn’t make enough pancakes, but two batches was too much. I think I’m just going to pro-rate the recipe. How do you do half an egg? What? Pfft, whatever.

Egg crackin’ time!

Oops.

Let’s try again.

My bad.

Let’s try again.

Seriously, how do people do this?

That’s a lot of shell. Babe, what do you use to get the shell parts out?

This butter is too hard to mix, better microwave it. (opens microwave, door handle breaks off) What the … ? Babe, who broke the microwave?

GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, GIRLS.

This mix looks kind of runny—do you think it’s because of the rice milk? What do you mean “told you so?” You said it would be fine. (adds more pancake mix) Fixed it!

I know you’re hungry, girls, but what can I tell you? Pumpkin pancakes don’t grow on trees.

Okay, they’re looking good on the griddle. This one here looks ready for a flippin’ … (flips it over, it breaks in half and splatters all over counter) … I seriously think I am going to have an emotional breakdown.

(20 minutes later)

Breakfast I mean lunch is ready!

What’s the matter, babe? Well I wouldn’t have made so many if I realized you weren’t that hungry. Yeah, they’re a little dry, but that’s why God invented syrup.

What about you, girls? Do you like your pumpkin pancakes? Good, I’m so happy you’re not yet old enough to determine whether or not something tastes good. By the time you are, I’ll have this down pat. Promise.

Yes, we can still go to the park, after your mom helps me clean up. (we look at trail of destruction left behind in kitchen) What? I made breakfast!





Note: This column appears in the 11/7 issue of The Glendale Star and the 11/8 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Facebook meme of the day


MY DANG KID TRIED TO LIE TO ME AND TELL ME SHE WASHED HER HANDS AFTER DROPPIN A DUECE BUT I WAS LIKE HOLD UP - I CHANNELED MY INNER BUGS BUNNY AND SMELLED HER HANDS AND WAS LIKE, YOU DIDN'T WASH GIRL, GET BACK IN THERE!

HERE IS MY LIST OF PEOPLE RENOWN FOR FINDING SH*T OUT:

-MIKE WALLACE
-J EDGAR HOOVER
-THE KID FROM GOONIES
-BUGS BUNNY

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER CAUSE BUGS IS NO. 1 OBVS.

THIS MEME DONE NAILED IT, LET'S SEE WHAT THE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF THEIR BUSY SCHEDULES TO COMMENT ON THIS MEME HAD TO SAY:


MY FAVORITE THING TO DO AFTER FINDING SH*T OUT BUGS BUNNY STYLE IS TO ORDER BLACK PEPPER SPICES. HOLD UP, 'BOUT TO CHEW ON THIS INVESTIGATIVE CARROT AND FIND OUT IF ESOKAAGRICPRIDUCT IS LEGIT.

YEP IT BE LEGIT. PUTTIN' SOME BLACK PEPPER SPICE ON MY SOUP RIGHT NOW, HOMEBOY. FIGURE IT OUT.