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Showing posts from October, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: From ms Juliet.

Hi Ms. Juliet.. That is cool how you have a period in your name like the band FUN.. Let's set the world on fire, we can grow brighter than the sun with this email. I feel inspired. Also I hate that song and I hate you.

Hi Let me inform yu my desire to establish in your country through your help.

I learned about Juliet in high school English but Juliet doesn't know high school English HA HA HA HA HA that is a joke I just thought of, top of the head. Just keepin' it real, not trying to offend anyone here. But seriously you seem like a moron. What's up?

Although we do not know, there is this amount $6.5 my father deposit in BANK before he was killed.

Let's break this beauty down.

Although we do not know,

Although we do not know WHAT?

Here are some things I do not know, in addition to why you used the phrase "Although we do not know":

-WHAT IS GOING ON

That is the list.

there is this amount $6.5 my father deposit

Oh snap, pops was rolling…

For what the future holds, please look elsewhere

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One of the themes of the Clint Eastwood-directed Hereafter, starring Matt Damon, is that those with genuine psychic ability can often be reluctant to share it because of how society generally perceives psychics.

As usual, I agree with Clint Eastwood—it can’t be easy to be a psychic. To reference another movie (my entire worldview is based on information I have gathered from movies) just look at how difficult things got for Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost. She almost got murdered by that guy! But she maintained her sense of humor throughout, plus her sense of being psychic. She’s the best, Whoopie Goldberg.

I mean, not only do psychics have to deal with the burden of communication with the supernatural, but they also have to deal with the jokes of commoners like myself: What do you mean you forgot your jacket? You’re a psychic! You should have known about this cold front. LOL. (Seriously though, you should have worn a jacket.)

So psychics have it tough, for sure. However, they don’t do them…

Facebook meme of the day

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SO TRUE SO TRUE

MAD IS DIFFERENT THAN SAD

YOU MAD BRO?

NO I'M SAD

I AIN'T MAD ATCHA (TUPAC)

I'M SAD ATCHA (ME)

WHERE YOU GOIN', BOAT?

GOT ME OUT HERE IN MY NIGHTGOWN LOOKING LIKE SOME WHITE TRASH FLOOZY

HAIR LOOKING LIKE A PANTENE COMMERCIAL THOUGH, FOR REAL

HOPE YOU CATCH A LOT OF FISH YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DIRTBAG

/BOAT BLOWS FOGHORN/

OH YEAH? /HOLDS UP TWO MIDDLE FINGERS/

THAT'S THE SAD TALKIN'

Great Moments in Rap History

I was a fan of Jeru the Damaja in the 90s, but hey, weren't we all? As Americans?

Anyhoo, in 1996, Jeru released "Wrath of the Math," a solid album thanks largely to the production of DJ Premier, although Jeru could hold his own lyrically. Kind of. He liked to (using this particular track as an example) use scientific terms like ferromagnetic, and drop names of random historical figures like Gwong Jan Lin, although I always questioned the broadness of his knowledge base on such subjects. (i.e.) It was more likely they simply made for more interesting verse than rhyming Rolex with Lexus, which doesn't even rhyme.

One track on the album was called "Whatever." It was about: whatever. Here is today's great moment in rap history:

Freak on the mic, but not sexual
Call me unalike cause my rhymes are never homo
Make you sad, like when Cher left Sonny Bono

Fire burn Giuliani, Pataki and Cuomo

Let's break it down.

Freak on the mic, but not sexual

"Regardless …

Spam email of the week

Subject: I am the one

Cool. I've been looking for you?

Hello there How are you doing?

I am doing great, thanks for asking! I can already tell you are "the one" by your friendly opening greeting. The prophetic scrolls of Babylon say of The One that we "shall recognize him by his kindness and random capitalization."

I enjoy most of your user profile.

I'm sorry ... most? What part of my user profile DON'T you like? Honestly I haven't updated that thing in years - there's a good chance I put something on there that I thought was funny and witty at the time, and am now embarrassed by. Actually I just checked and my Google+ (LOL) profile pic is me making a duck face while ironically wearing a Sugar Ray trucker hat, and one of my hobbies is "keeping it real." Yikes. I will edit my user profile to your liking, and then let's reassess our relationship.

Are you interested to see my own personal photos?

Ummm, sure, I guess? I hadn't really t…

Miracle in Sun City

We had somewhere to be 6 p.m. Saturday evening, so we couldn’t go to 5 p.m. Mass at our usual church. We would have to go to 4 o’clock Mass in the retirement community of Sun City.

Usually when this happens, one of us will go to church alone and the other will stay home with the girls. It’s difficult enough to bring the girls to our church—in fact, we don’t even venture into the actual church, but sit in the adjacent chapel and listen to Mass through the speakers. The only time we go inside is when my parents or in-laws are in town and they say things like, “The chapel? Pfft. C’mon, let’s go inside. The girls will be fine, trust us, we’ll watch them,” and by the first reading they realize this was a TERRIBLE decision.

But Sun City? Welp, Mass in Sun City is … considerably quieter. There are no babies crying, no bustling, no white noise than can otherwise mask the drone of whining and complaints and fighting that will inevitably emerge from our general vicinity. The parishioners who are …

Spam email of the week

Subject: ABOUT MY SUBSCRIPTION IN YOUR WEBSITE

This is either spam or an actual message from one of our senior citizen subscribers.

   The Peoria Times Staff                        Dear friends,                                         It's a

great pleasure to contact you through these lines.


Still not sure.

I learnt about you through the Merriam-Webster Website a few days ago.

Oh yes, many people find us through the online dictionary website.

You: How do you spell learnt?

Merriam-Webster online: I don't know but maybe you'd like to subscribe to the Peoria Times community weekly newspaper? If you read newspapers you can leanrt how to spell good, and this is the only paper we know about thnx good luck :)

I had been trying to contact you on the Web several times and,today at last I could do it,

What was your difficulty in trying to contact us prior? I am assuming it was something on our end as you seem very adept at computer navigation and terminology and life in general. Neverth…

Facebook meme of the day

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Juanita: /groggy/ Hello?

ME: /CRYING/

Juanita: Who is this?

ME: IT'S ME YOUR BEST FRIEND MIKE FROM THE INTERNET.

Juanita: What's a ... what's wrong? Is everything okay?

ME: JUST WATCHED BEACHES FOR LIKE THE THIRD TIME TONIGHT, I CAN'T EVEN.

Juanita: Why are you ... what? It's past midnight ... my kids have school in the morning.

ME: YOU SHARED THAT FACEBOOK MEME, THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.

Juanita: Honestly, I just share things like that sometimes. I haven't seen you since high school. This is really weird and I am going to defriend you tomorrow.

ME: YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

Juanita: /hangs up/

Blinded by the light – raising rising sun awareness

After six-plus years, I feel pretty well acclimated to Arizona. I might as well have been born here. Blood is thinner, I shrug off encounters with scorpions, got a gun now … the whole deal. None of those things are true, but still. You see what I’m saying.

But there is one thing I have yet to adjust to, and that is the extreme brightness and location of the morning sun while driving. I realize that is a strange and specific thing to say, but it is a serious problem for me and I will explain.

It is not an issue in the winter when it is still dark on my way to work, or the summer when the sun reaches its peak height at 5 a.m. and remains there until 8 p.m. In the spring and fall, however, the morning sun rests at its most perilous point—over the mountains yet under my car’s sun visor.

What does this mean? It means I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING. Seeing is important while driving, according to AAA, yet no one here talks about the dangers of driving while blinded by the sun. People think it is a n…

Facebook meme of the day

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LOL SO TRUE SO TRUE. THAT EXPLAINS IT NOW I UNDERSTAND. THAT'S A LOT OF TABS. WHAT? I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND I AM A CAVEMAN CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TI- SQUIRREL! /FARTS/

Spam email of the week

Subject: spiritual help

Some people visit their pastor. Some people sit in quiet reflection. Some people escape to their personal oasis of solitude. For my spiritual help, I just LOG ON Y'ALL. GMAIL.COM FOR ALL YOUR SPIRITUAL NEEDS IT'S FREE TELL A FRIEND.

Are you finding it difficult finding the right solutions to all your
problems?


Oh my gosh YES! It's like you are reading my mind and there's no way you could have known that. Yesterday, for example, I had two problems: 1) an inescapable, deep-seeded, fearful and sudden realization of my own mortality and 2) Twitter wasn't working. I tried to solve both of these problems by drinking a 12-pack of Schlitz at my desk at work but it only solved the Twitter problem. But then I posted drunk tweets and now I have more problems and also I got fired.

you don't need to hide your problem because if you do, you
will never find the solution to it.


That is literally the most profound thing I have ever read in my entire life, an…

Spam email of the week

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Subject: ASU OYOs

FOR THE FIRST TIME, SUN DEVIL FANS AND LOVERS OF BUILDING BLOCK TOYS CAN UNITE THEIR PASSIONS.


FINALLY!!!

Person: I love the Arizona State University Sun Devils, but I ALSO love building block toys. This is very typical, and I represent a large number of people who love college and also children's toys. But why do these two passions have to be mutually exclusive? Arg!

Other person: Wait! I just got an email ...

OYO Sportstoys announces the launch of building block minifigures (LEGO compatible)

I mean, if you are making building block toys that are not LEGO compatible, that's just ... building block career suicide, no?

wearing the full uniform of the Arizona State Sun Devils.

This email came with an attached picture, and I will include it here and throughout this post so everyone knows that what I am talking about here is REAL, very real.



Sup.
In addition to team uniforms, the minifigures have rotating forearms and bending knees to allow them to run, sit, squat, and …

Flying high on the wings of parenting

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For several years now, my wife and I have been the proud parents of the only child who refuses to nap at school. This would be fine if she could just sit still and find something to do quietly, but she instead proved to be a huge distraction to her classmates and the teachers trying to soothe them to sleep.

So, a while back it was decided the best solution for our oldest daughter was that, during naptime, she get transferred to the pre-kindergarten room, “5K.” This seemed to work—she has always taken well to older kids and the thrill of being amongst them tempered her behaviors.

For a while.

The gap between her and 5K has since narrowed—it is now merely the next grade up—and rather than acting as a humble guest in that class, it is now where she seems to get in the most trouble. As an alpha, type-A, she is now battling for control of 5K in her limited time there, and a few weeks ago she punched someone in that class. Punched someone. This is my life—my daughter is punching kids in a c…

Facebook meme of the day

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MY SON IS HOT YOUR SON BE UGGZZZ DON'T SHARE THIS CAUSE THAT BOY DONE GOT HIT BY THE UGLY TREE LOL. SERIOUSLY THOUGH ONLY SHARE THIS IF YOUR SON IS LIKE A MODEL OR WHATEVER LIKE MINE. HE IS 4 BUT YOU CAN ALREADY TELL HE GONNA LOOK LIKE ADAM MAROON 5 GUY AND I AIN'T JUST SAYING THAT CAUSE I'M HIS MOM - E'RRRRBODY BE TELLING ME THAT, LIKE "YO YOUR SON IS HOTTTT, IS THAT WEIRD OF ME TO SAY I AM 40?" OTHER PEEPS BE LIKE, "WHATEVS MY SON HAS BIG EARS AND THREE NIPPLES BUT HE'S SMART" AND I'M LIKE PFFT. JUST DON'T SHARE THIS THEN. JUST DON'T. DON'T EVEN.

Spam email of the week

Subject: 106646109316766951201????????

Good question. Good freaking question. I'd like to find out myself. Let me just check to see who this important email is from so I know I am dealing with something legit and not something dumb and stupid and dumb ...

From: 106646109316766951201 [8@234wefewf.mygbiz.com]

Hold up, lemme just add you to my contacts, 106646109316766951201.

First name: 106646109316766951201
Last name: 234wefewf, probs
Company: mygbiz.com
Category: Business contactAssociateFriend Best friend

Dear Sir or Madam,

Call me sir, 106646109316766951201, on account of my penis.

We specialize in electronic devices field with full experience and we have 100 % confidence in our technology and quality.

Yo on the reals? That is dope and you have inspired me to have confidence in your products as well. I want to order all of your devices - the whole field - but tell me, what is your hot seller?

Now our hot seller is pedometer.

Pedometer is sweeping the nation in popularity. I just saw a …

An open letter to cyclists

I’m not out to offend here, and I want to make it abundantly clear—I don’t hate people who ride bicycles. Some of my best friends ride bicycles. My uncle rides a bicycle. Shoot, I ride a bicycle sometimes. Granted, it’s a mountain bike and I ride it about five times a year to take my girls to the park. I have to attach a separate, covered bike to the back of it that the girls sit in so I can physically drag them to the park, and they fight the whole way there and demand that I go faster or slower depending on their mood. DAD FUN. Most importantly, however, I ride my bike on the sidewalk.*

Listen, I get it. You enjoy riding your bike for exercise, and where else are you going to ride except on the road? You can’t ride it around a high school track because that would be weird and you would get dizzy. And there is no such thing as a stationary bike or a spinning class at the local gym. Okay … that was rude. I didn’t mean that. Believe me I understand your lust for the open road. Possibly …