Friday, August 30, 2013

Spam email of the week SPECIAL FRIDAY EDITION

Subject: Gold Ministry

"Go forth and tell the world the good news about ... GOOOOOOOLD." - St. Peter maybe?

Dear Friend,

I am not your friend. J/k we are friends.

I am thedirector from the gold ministry

Wow, this email is really coming from the top. If this email were sent from like, an advertising executive at the gold ministry, I'd probably be like, "Pfft, whatevs." But the director? This is big.

I have a golden opportunity to
share with you


GOLD DIRECTOR HAS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
GOLD DIRECTOR HAS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
GOLD DIRECTOR HAS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
GOLD DIRECTOR HAS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
GOLD DIRECTOR HAS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
GOLD DIRECTOR HAS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY

amember registered from the gold ministry from
Australia has a lot ofinheritance here in Benin cotonou west Africa,


Oh wow, what a coincidence! A member of the gold ministry (not a real thing) from Australia (irrelevant) has a lot of inheritance (cool phrase) in Benin Cotonou West Africa (Australians are quite famous for bequeathing their inheritances to various areas of West Africa), and here I am (Mike Kenny, publications manager in America) looking to make a lot of money without doing jack. I feel like this might be right up my proverbial alley (butt). Go on ...

died in bomb blaster with thefamily

DAAAAAAAANG! Dude got hit by the bomb blaster?! And he was his fam, son? BOOM, there goes the inheritance, LOL. Please ignore that LOL, that was insensitive considering the circumstances. So anyway, I guess this nameless Australian dude dying in a bomb blaster in West Africa = my golden opportunity? I always knew it would happen this way. #blessed

I want you to call me on this
number +22965130082 for more details.

Mr. peter willams


Me: (dials +22965130082)

Mr. Peter Williams: Hello, this is Mr. Peter Williams, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, Mr. Peter Williams. This is Mike, from email. I was calling to get more details about the bomb blaster that killed the Australian guy and his family and how I can benefit from this tragedy by somehow usurping his inheritance ...

Mr. Peter Williams: Yes, wonderful, thanks for calling. The details are that please give me your credit card number and I will send you all the gold.

Me: Cool, I will do that. Also, who detonated the bomb blaster? Was it Goldfinger? It was Goldfinger, wasn't it?

Mr. Peter Williams: I am not at liberty to say ...

Me: ...

Mr. Peter Williams: ...

Me: ...

Mr. Peter Williams: ...

Me: ...

Mr. Peter Williams: It was Goldfinger.

Hat tip to Chunter for the spamage.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Contact person:Mr.John Martins

Been waiting for my contact person for a hot minute. This seems legit.

Your total fund of $1,500,000.00 has been released and registered to deliver.

I hope there is someone at a money factory somewhere who saw my tightly packed bundle of $1.5 mil roll down the assembly line and stamped it in red: REGISTERED: MIKE KENNY, U.S. That is how money works, right? And then it's just delivered? Like on a truck?

It will be sent through dhl delivery company.

DHL delivery person: (rings doorbell)

Me: (answers door wearing overalls, no shirt) 'Sup.

DHL delivery person: Yeah, hey ... got a delivery for you here of a ... (checks clipboard) ... Hello Kitty sing-it-yourself microphone set?

Me: Nope.

DHL delivery person: (checks clipboard again) ... a ... wine refrigerator?

Me: Got one. (lifts up half empty bottle of Charles Shaw red for proof, takes swig)

DHL delivery person: (furiously flipping through pages of packing slips)

Me: Here's a hint: It's the one point five mil, homeslice.

DHL delivery person: Oh, geez, yeah. JUST saw it right here. My bad, sir. Just sign here, please.

Me: Also the Hello Kitty thing is mine, too.

So, contact Mr.John Martins, for your fund delivery Ask him how much  you will send to him for the approved stamp fee.

Me: Hi, Mr. John Martins? This is Mike. Kenny. Mike Kenny. I think you have my $1.5 million?

Mr. John Martins: Oh yes,certainly. I'm sitting on it now, keeping it warm.

Me: Dope. Listen - how much do I owe for the approved stamp fee?

Mr. John Martin: Yes, let me just check very quickly ... (types nonsense into keyboard) ... okay, for this package, according to the (mumbles), the stamp fee is $100,000.

Me: That seems like a lot.

Mr. John Martins: This huge wad of cash is uh, how you say in America, very heavy. Plus it's really nothing when you consider you're getting $1.5 million in return.

Me: You make some good points, Mr. John Martins. Do you accept credit cards and maybe my house?

The Eco-was and Federal High Court of justice Benin Republic are only require your file approved stamp fee

I don't even know what the hell that mess of words was all about, but I typed "the Federal High Court of Justice, Benin Republic" into Google and Google just laughed and laughed. Like, it couldn't even search it was laughing so hard. I was like, "Google! Get a hold of yourself, man! I am serious - there is $1.5 million at stake right now, and I need to see if this is worth the stamp fee!" That just made Google laugh even harder and so I never really found out if it is true that the Federal High Court of Justice, Benin Republic is a real thing. I'm pretty sure it is, though.

By the way, who is sending me this email?

Yours Sincerely
Mis.Thomas Wolf


Here are the formula options for spam emails to create fake American names:

Mr. (first name) + (first name), ex.: Mr. James Frank

Mr. (first name) + (first name but plural), ex.: Mr. John Martins

Mis. (male first name) + (animal/completion of name of famous novelist), ex.: Mis. Thomas Wolf

Anyway, I have not been at work for three weeks because I don't want to miss the DHL delivery of my money. I haven't seen a DHL truck in general in like eight years, but I'm pretty sure they'll get here today. Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Made up word becomes real source of frustration, joy

Our oldest daughter made up a word, and it may in fact be the word she uses more often than any other word.

I may be partly to blame. I have frequently enjoyed making up words just to see if I’ll get a response from these two knuckleheads we call our daughters. For example:

Girls in unison: Daddy we want ice cream! Can we have ice cream? Pleeeease, daddy, pleeease can we have ice cream?

Me: Well, we’re all out of ice cream, BUT … who wants sclompers?

Girls in unison: I WANT SCLOMPERS! Yea, sclompers! We’re gonna have sclompers!

Is this wrong of me? Possibly.

Sure enough, our oldest daughter followed my lead and made up her own word: coo-kah. I spell it like that intentionally because there is another way to spell it which, it turns out, has terrible connotations in a language other than English. I assure you this word was borne of innocence, however, the mere sound of it does seem to straddle the line. It would probably be ideal for us to just have her, ya’ know, stop saying it. But … you pick your battles as a parent, and we’re pretty confident treating it indifferently will help it pass more quickly.

But for the time being, everything is coo-kah.

“How was your day at school?”

“My day was coo-kah.”

“Tell mum mum and pop where we went this weekend.”

“We went to coo-kah.”

It can be frustrating. Of course, now our youngest daughter is following her sister’s lead and saying it all the time, too. And she can’t even use it in context.

“Put your shirt on like we told you.”

“We went to coo-kah.”

She’s a genius.

Meanwhile, our oldest has suddenly developed a great interest in heavy topics like death (!) and religion and the afterlife. She just turned 4, by the way. Again, this is probably my fault. I have always thought it important to be honest with her on certain things rather than tiptoe around the issue, and not long ago she was grilling me about what happened to Annie’s parents and why they didn’t come to get Annie at the orphanage. I tried to skirt around it but eventually just told her the truth—they died.

My wife was horrified, but what was I going to do? Now our daughter will tell anyone who will listen that Annie’s parents are dead, emphasis on dead. I am just waiting for the call from school.

From a healthier standpoint, she’s always displayed a fascination with Jesus—like where He lives and why she can’t see Him—and heaven. It’s produced some heartwarming moments, like when we were leaving church that time and she yelled for Jesus to “have a good weekend!”

Well, it was bound to happen that this girl would manage to combine the divine with the ridiculous. On the way to church last weekend, from the back seat, she produced this gem:

“Mom, dad … can I say ‘coo-kah’ in heaven?”

It was asked with such profound sincerity that our response was only joy and laughter. Our laughter made her start laughing, which made our youngest start laughing, which prevented us from having to give an actual answer, which was good because I needed to go back and check what the Bible says.

Note: This column appears in the 8/29 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/30 issue of the Peoria Times.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Are you ahead of the curve? Tap into the power of Social Media

What is "social media?"

Dear Colleague,

colleague: Noun. 1) A person with whom one works, esp. in a profession or business. Synonyms: fellow, mate, fellow worker, friend. 2) A person you don't know at all who emailed you once and probably doesn't exist. Synonyms: weirdo, who is this?, Bigfoot, spambot

Looking for an excuse to get out of the office?

No. I am a grown-ass man. If I want to leave the office, I just clock out, sign the sign-out sheet, leave my driver's license and other identification on my boss' desk, attach my ankle monitor, and go get some fresh air for the allotted 45 seconds. Sheesh, this ain't CHINA.

Why not join your Social Media marketing peers at the Two Day Social Media Strategy Seminar in Atlantic City, NJ.

Besides it being a MASSIVE waste of time and resources? THERE IS NO REASON WHY NOT! Nevertheless, do you have any reasons why I actually should? I have to run this by my boss ...

5 Reasons to Register for this Must-Attend Two Day Event:

- Find out which social media options are right for your business
- Increase your search visibility with up-to-date social SEO practices
- Discover the value of online presence – effectively manage online reputation
- Gain new customers and revenue by incorporating a video strategy
- Jump on the bandwagon with a full appreciation of movement marketing


Sounds amazing! Here are my answers to this quiz:

- Facebook, Twitter, Buzzfeed, Blogs, LinkedVine, GameCast, Internet, Match.com, Twitpic, BizzProfile.net
- nonsense
- find out how to pay someone to delete all those hateful comments people posted online about your terrible company
- create a video, gain zero new customers but at least you made a video
- metaphorically jump on a bandwagon and gain an appreciation of a nonsensical term (This event costs $5,000 per person.)

Are there any benefits to ME, the person?

Benefits for YOU:

- You will be able to discover how to become a relevant part of customers’ online experience
- You will be able to identify methods to increase lead generation efforts
- You will be able to uncover proven social SEO tactics
- You will be able to track, as well as measure, social media efforts


- create lasting friendships and romantic relationships by approving and "liking" inane comments
- (punches self in face)
- discover how to type your company's name into Google ... WITH YOUR KEYBOARD
- find the part of your company's Facebook page where you can see graphs that outline the non-effect of your lukewarm social media efforts

My boss wants to know if I can earn any work credits if I go so I can "finally graduate from this job ... "

Earn Continuing Education Credits:
Certificate of Marketing Merit 1.0


Cool!

Y'ALL THOUGHT I'D NEVER AMOUNT TO NUTHIN - EAT IT HATERS, GOT MY CERTIFICATE OF MARKETING MERIT (slow voice) ONE POINT OHHHHHH

Anything else I should know?

Don’t Miss - Atlantic City Attractions:

- Shopping: The Pier Shops at Caesars featuring elite brands including Tiffany & Co., Burberry, Hugo Boss and others; Tanger Outlets – The Walk spreads out over 15-city blocks and features outlet shopping from brands such as, J. Crew, Michael Kors, and much more
- Dining: Restaurants from famous chefs including Bobby Flay, Wolfgang Puck, and others
- Spas: Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa, Bluemercury Spa and Qua Baths and Spa
- Salt water taffy, originated on the Boardwalk in 1883
- Historic Steel Pier featuring rides for kids of all ages


It's going to be difficult to learn and retain strategies for improving my company's outreach if I'm not wearing the newest threads from Hugo Boss, so this is mad dope on the info tip. Def tryin' to get my spa on while increasing lead generation efforts -- gonna get an hour-long neck massage while being fed salt water taffy by a scantily-clad Wolfgang Puck. PLUS no trip to Atlantic City is complete without a walk on the HISTORIC STEEL PIER. It would be like going to France for a conference about computer software and NOT stopping by that chateau where Charlie Brown stayed.

Can’t Attend?
Click here to register for a complete copy of the two-day seminar’s material, including a CD & Manual


CD? What is this, 1998? (burn) Why don't you just post it on your Facebook page? (double burn)

Don’t delay, reserve your seat today. Multiple attendee discount available-
Receive $100 off for each additional attendee registration.


One hundred dollars OFF? This costs more than one hundred dollars? I won't have any money left for salt water taffy! I'm out yo, peeeeeace.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Adapting to adopting

They say the second one is different, less stressful. I think I can now attest to that.

We were filled with anxiety prior to adopting daughter No. 1. Every night we would pray that things went smoothly, and we would flip out when our correspondence to lawyers, caseworkers, et al was not replied to immediately. The sense of relief when the judge made it official was palpable, and my response to this momentous event was to write overly sappy personal accounts of my feelings. Yikes. Sorry.

Daughter No. 2? Not so much. Three years ago we were all like, “Oh my goodness, we’re adopting a child! Thou hast blest us greatly on this joy-filled occasion of love everlasting!” Last week I had to call out of work like, “Hey boss, I need off Wednesday. ‘Bout to adopt this kid.” It was like running an errand. On the way to court I dropped the dog off at PetSmart for his annual vaccines. Really.

Of course, this is not a reflection of our feelings toward one girl or the other—we love them in the equal but different way that all parents can understand—but only reflects the change in us. Thou hast blest us indeed, but we’ve also grown more confident in our understanding of the adoption process. And things are different now. Three years ago we adopted a baby girl who couldn’t talk back and actually fell asleep in the hallway before the hearing. Last week we walked into court with two 3-year-olds like LET’S DO THIS BEFORE SOMEONE WETS HERSELF.

We had a different judge this time around, and she was much more sympathetic to the process than our previous judge, who didn’t seem to separate adoption hearings from other things that happened in court: You are now sentenced to life with this child (gavel slam) … NEXT. She made it a point to thank our supporters in attendance, especially my in-laws, to whom she made a special acknowledgment. My father-in-law, under the impression he was supposed to stand and introduce himself, stood and said, “I am the father of the moth—” before being interrupted by the judge, who had continued with the proceedings. Again, she was great.

The judge even gave our official new daughter a “medal of adoption” to wear around her neck, and—as if sensing what was about to happen (she must have been a mom)—gave our older daughter one too, before she could even utter the words, “BUT I WANT ONE!” (On the way to the post-adoption lunch celebration, both girls had their medals taken away after flinging them around in the back seat, almost breaking a window, which left them both in tears. Like I said, it was a day like any other.)

Judge aside, everything about the day was just so familiar. Same court, same time, same type of summer day, and save for a few, the same loving support system. The only difference was our attitude. Three years ago we felt like the adoption day legitimized us as parents, her as our daughter. This time it was a mere formality. She was our daughter the day she arrived.

But yeah—it feels good that it’s official.

On the way home we picked up the dog. I got a refill on his heartworm medication. It was all very emotional.

Note: This column appears in the 8/22 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/23 issue of the Peoria Times.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: A New Business Opportunity

I've been looking for one of those! Whenever I get an email about a new business opportunity, I know it is legit because: who would want to bust my balls like that? Granted, none of the prior emailed business opportunities I have relentlessly pursued have worked out and now I am broke and living in an abandoned warehouse and also my identity was stolen. But still, THIS one? This one is it. I can feel it. I hope it is about duct cleaning.

Revolutionary Duct Cleaning!

http//t.ymlp327.net/juyafausseearamwacaubjjus/click.php

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. "The Revolution (Of Duct Cleaning) Will Not Be Televised," is a song I am going to record in response to this email and also to get the word out. About to call Rick Rubin in a hot minute to produce that joint. But first I need to understand the revolution, which is an appropriate word to use re: duct cleaning methods (shout out to all revolutionary war vets around the globe, mad respect).

What's the site again?

http//t.ymlp327.net/juyafausseearamwacaubjjus/click.php

Awesome. I am not going to click on it because it looks terrible and contains the word "click," which is weird, but I am sure it is safe and legit and explains everything. Let's proceed just pretending I have clicked on this and understand what is happening.

Duct Cleaning is now easy!

This email, an overview:

Thesis: Duct cleaning used to be hard but now it is easy.

Body: Click on this terrible link.

Conclusion: $$$$$$$$

Get in the Duct Cleaning Business Today:

Playa I done got in the duct cleaning business YESTERDAY HOLLA ATCHA BOY.

Click here http//t.ymlp327.net/juyafausseearamwacaubjjus/click.php

No.

and learn about how RamAir continues to excel globally as the world’s most efficient duct cleaning solution. We are looking for distributers in every market.

Dear RamAir,

I would like to join your duct cleaning business by becoming a distributor of your duct cleaning crap. Also your name is cool and I bet you guys are good at ramming air down duct pipes or whatever things are called. I would like to #ramit, too.

Love,

Mike

P.s.: Can I get that link again?

http//t.ymlp327.net/juyafausseearamwacaubjjus/click.php


Thanks.

Seeing is believing!

As a born skeptic, I rarely believe anything about advancements in duct cleaning methods until I see them for myself. I should really stop being such a doubting Thomas!

Easy To Up-Sell

Did you like our duct cleaning? NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. Then you'll probably love our line of edible panties.

Watch our short 4-minute introductory video

Sure! Where?

http//t.ymlp327.net/juyafausseearamwacaubjjus/click.php

I am not familiar with that link.

Learn more by calling and speaking with one of our RamAir experts. 1.888.272.6247

I called. I chose "3" for "executive management," thinking maybe I go up the ladder and speak with a SENIOR RamAir expert. I waited on hold. "Sorry, no one is available right now, please leave a message at the tone." Didn't leave a message. I'll call back later (I won't). The ironic thing is that I majored in RamAir expertise in college, but didn't know what to do with it, so I became a blogger. Now here I am trying to call a RamAir expert. Life is crazy, full circle. #noregrets #YOLO

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Color me happy: books inspire my inner artist

You know what’s fun as all heck? Coloring. I love to color. Like in coloring books. I am 35 years old.

Granted, I probably went a good quarter century without coloring—that awkward time in a man’s life between 8 years old and becoming a dad—but I simply cannot pretend it is not an extremely enjoyable endeavor.

Our daughters have 8,000 coloring books. Really, a new coloring book emerges every single day, from where I do not know. Plus there are the family restaurant placemat coloring thingees that are covered in food and drink stains but that they absolutely INSIST on bringing home because they promise to “finish” them (they don’t). My point is: our home does not lack in mediums on which to color.

But I know what you’re asking: Do you have crayons? YOU BET WE HAVE CRAYONS. Thin crayons, thick crayons, broken crayons, half eaten crayons, crayons with paper coverings, naked crayons … all kinds of crayons. The only crayon we’re perpetually missing is the color you absolutely need to finish coloring that duck’s suitcase: brown. Am I right, dads? Ha, ha … brown is always missing. Freakin’ brown, man.

I don’t know if it’s the blissful nostalgia of recalling the zero responsibilities of childhood, when coloring itself was considered an accomplishment, or the pure satisfaction of executing a wonderful color scheme perfectly within the lines, but whatever it is, coloring is great. Here is how great coloring is, picture it:

Whenever the girls are bugging me about doing something I say, “Let’s color!” They say, “Yea!” Then I ask them what coloring book they want and one of them will choose something dumb like a Halloween Elmo book. I’ll say, “That is seasonal, makes no sense.” But she’ll insist, and then the other one will say, “NO I WANT THAT ONE,” and then they both lose it and get timeouts. Twenty minutes later I will tell them what book they get, and we lie on the floor, open our books, and commence coloring. By that I mean I will commence coloring and they will play around with the crayons, complain about their coloring book, and, worst of all, try to color on my book. I will say, “Yo, girls, BACK OFF. Look at how beautiful I am making the water in this giraffe’s swimming pool … I don’t need your scribble on here, you are going to RUIN it.”

On our best coloring days, the girls can control themselves enough to where I can finish an entire page. I become irrationally proud of my work, especially when compared to theirs—honestly they are terrible at coloring—and legitimately wonder if it would be weird to hang it on the refrigerator or maybe frame it. If my wife is coloring with us, I will look at her page and it will be out-of-this-world fantastic and I will become very frustrated. How did you even do that? That belongs in a museum. Women are just better colorers than men. No sense in fighting it.

Although my brute manliness is certainly what’s holding me back from being the world’s best colorer, it has not adversely affected the joy derived from the act of coloring. It is the best and I highly recommend it. Go for it! Buy a coloring book today and also some crayons. Don’t worry, it is not weird. (If you have kids. If you don’t have kids it is very weird and I am reporting you to the police.)

Note: This column appears in the 8/15 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/16 issue of the Peoria Times.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic????????

Me: What are: types of mosaics I love and want to learn more about.

Alex Trebek: Correct.

Me: I'll take STUPID USELESS CRAP for $800, Alex.

邀请您观看 Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic 的相册: masaike

I have to admit, there was not ONE time during the reading of this email that I ever forgot I was reading about Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic. Kudos to keeping my focus because I am easily distracted. Also, the word "masaike," which is Japanese for "mosaic???????" is hyperlinked and leads to a Picasa web album. According to Picasa:

This content has been removed because it violates our Terms of Service.

I bet Glass mosaic was showing its nipple. Glass mosaic is a sluuuut. Sorry, someone had to say it.

Still though, now I don't have any visuals on which to be base my important decision re: Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic.




OH SNIZZ-AP. Blown away. BA-LOWN. AWAY. I have literally never seen such an amazing mosaic before in my entire life, and one of my major hobbies is mosaic perusal. I am going to order this exact mosaic because it will go PERFECT in my {wherever mosaics go}!

来自 Stone mosaic and Glass mosaic and Metal mosaic 的消息:
2597832884891957778245133678614296606799583380271725058607180103690027612893539887867817608871732971My dear friend,

So uh, hey, just curious: what's with all of the random numbers preceding your greeting? I don't want to be rude, but I'm only asking because we are dear friends. Was that a typo? If so that is a great typo, the greatest typo. Oops, accidentally inserted like 60 random numbers in there ... maybe they won't notice? Arg, that's what I get for sending emails from my iPhone being a nonhuman spambot!

How’s your business recently? 

Business is great! Good. Pretty good. Bad. Very bad. Seriously lacking in mosaics, if I'm being honest. Sorry I lied before about it being good. I wanted to impress you.

With more than 10 years production and export experience, we have successfully developed thousands of mosaic designs to meet the need of different market! And we can also make it according to your own designs or requirements!

This is cool because I feel like I represent "different market" in that I am not in the market for any type of mosaic and also don't really know what mosaics are/do but nevertheless want to order a lot of them. As far as my design requirements are concerned, I want my mosaic to be Glass - NO, Metal - and I want it to be very swirly and shiny and have a design that faintly resembles the profile of Don King, but only if you look really hard and/or are high on marijuana. I am going to hang it on my wall, or eat off it, or make it a luxurious toilet seat cover, haven't decided yet. #mosaicdecisions

Thanks &; best regards
Sabrina Law
General manager
Mosaic Factory
Add.: Foshan Guangdong China
wnBLuuXXyHUwPvTlxlicurOyJPLWnoKLVsZDSzFYhWCxxwBmfmQrdtwzrQtYID

sMDuHSBArdEbnBjAmqQECwOLiEcieqtIdfoytWmFZsncIRRQVGzGkxwMQTLkzrbJMgJNbmGUHuV
rqSzRDHhHSMfcyUtlhtKYuYhFAdfMgltjOXYWbyFMrEDTXaRqFyiQSnPUieNbAAbkxZsYwOn
OZTlUrbmsozQfnoyVQuvciCKzfabZePWdtUTkZcUtWECkYtjaoyhhU
UvEQsMrPhthfZroLvFLHTklGIRpWzPwCVdTyu

Sabrina Law: My name is Sabrina Law and I am general manager of Mosaic Factory.

Human person: Really? That doesn't sound real, what you just said.

Sabrina Law: Oh, you have to add: Foshan Guangdong China.

Human person: I feel like that makes less sense. Also there is smoke coming out of your armpit.

Sabrina Law: wnBLuuXXyHUwPvTlxlicurOyJPLWnoKLVsZDSzFYhWCxxwBmfmQrdtwzrQtYID
sMDuHSBArdEbnBjAmqQECwOLiEcieqtIdfoytWmFZsncIRRQVGzGkxwMQTLkzrbJMgJNbmGUHuV
rqSzRDHhHSMfcyUtlhtKYuYhFAdfMgltjOXYWbyFMrEDTXaRqFyiQSnPUieNbAAbkxZsYwOn
OZTlUrbmsozQfnoyVQuvciCKzfabZePWdtUTkZcUtWECkYtjaoyhhU
UvEQsMrPhthfZroLvFLHTklGIRpWzPwCVdTyu

Human person: Wow. Can I buy you a drink?

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Parents, international: only call if it’s an emergency

My parents and in-laws are presently on vacation. Together. In Canada.

Yes, my parents and my wife’s parents are actually friends. They were sort of forced into a friendship when my sister married my wife’s brother. With two children each betrothed to members of the same family, it became impossible for them to hide behind the birthday party small talk so commonly associated with the parents/in-laws relationship.

Now, are they vacation friends? We shall see. As someone who has spent many a vacation with my parents … we shall see. (Back in ’88 my mom told my dad to turn left when he should have turned right while trying to find our way back to the Howard Johnson’s hotel on a family vacation in historic Williamsburg, VA. I ended up on the verge of tears in the back seat, thinking their divorce was imminent. I experienced this raw emotion while wearing a tri-corner colonial hat.)

As far as their ability to get along is concerned, my wife and I were both comforted by our respective parents' mutual and bizarre preparation for a week without any communication with the Motherland.

First, my parents prepped me with all the details of their trip as I pretended to write everything down. My mom said, “I’ll try and text you when we land, but I really don’t know how that will go because Verizon considers Canada ‘international.’” I was like, “Yeah, well, Canada IS international, but I’m pretty sure they know about cellular phones there.”

The night before they departed, we video chatted with my in-laws and got the lowdown from them. Here is what my mother-in-law said: “Okay so listen, we’re not going to be able to communicate from up there, so please don’t call or text. Unless it’s an emergency, God forbid. If it’s an emergency, don’t hesitate, but otherwise, just don’t because we don’t know. Now please, tell the girls I love them and that Nannie will call them RIGHT when she gets back. Oh I’m going to miss their little voices (tearing up) … it’s okay, it’s just a week.”

My wife and I were cracking up discussing all the conversations we had with our parents prior to their big trip. We were like, “Guys, you’re going to CANADA. Not an obscure Middle Eastern province. The Blue Jays play there.”

The following day, at 10:51 a.m. Pacific Standard Time, I received this text from my mom: “Landed safely, getting car. Having trouble sending this text so I hope you get it!”

I pictured my mom turning on her phone after landing only to discover that everything has been translated to French Canadian. Unable to locate her contacts, she tries her best to text her children regarding her safety - "HOW DO YOU DO THIS HERE?" she screams as her fingers hit unidentifiable buttons. “Well,” she says to her husband, “I texted Mike, but who knows where it went. I just pray he got it because I’m sure Verizon is going to charge me $100 for it either way.”

Thankfully, my mom wasn't the only one who overcame various Canadian technological obstacles to send a simple text. My mother-in-law sent my wife a text to remind her not to text and also to tell her husband to bring the bag down.



Ha, ha ... looks like they're having a great time already!

It’s been very tough for my wife and I, as you can imagine, being unable to talk with our parents for the time being, deprived of the wonderful stories about the people we don’t even know who died or had successful knee surgery.

But, this is their time. I hope they made it safely to the hotel, and I hope they were comforted to discover Canada has the Internet, just in case. I hope Tony brought the carrying bag back down. I hope they get along and enjoy themselves in that strange, faraway land. I hope my dad is not driving.

Note: This column appears in the 8/8 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/9 issue of the Peoria Times.

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: I: opportunity

Cool, like "I, Robot." This email stars Will Smith as an alien-fighting detective looking for an opportunity, and the opportunity is played by his son, Jaden. "It's the email of the summer!" says I Heart Emails magazine.

Hello, you ride a material concerning a new social network that will start from June.

(dismounts material) I'm sorry, what did you say? I couldn't hear you - I was riding this material.

Up to 27 this month there is the ability to subscribe and you formed a net under you, through which you can make some good gains, because whenever a person comes to open anything on you RPLLN you will be awarded a percentage of the company's earnings.

So wait, hold up - you're telling me this whole time I could have been getting percentages when people open anything on my RPLLN? Mad peeps have been opening my RPLLN for years! I am losing money! How can I fix this re: my RPLLN?

All this is done through an invitation that I owe you sent me.

How will this invitation that you owe I sent you be sent? With Evite? I just checked my Evite and the only thing there is an invitation to my Godson's birthday party, which I cannot attend because I'm waiting to hear more about my RPLLN opportunities. Please resend. You OWE me.

Here's a question though: what if you send me the invitation but I disagree? With the invitation?

If you disagree let me know and starts, since it does not cost you anything.

Okay. I understand what you're saying there. Please say more things that are easily digestible for my mind.

Well at least you'll have 5 friends, acquaintances, relatives, colleagues who need money without doing anything.

I WISH I had only five friends who need money without doing anything. ALL of my friends are lazy jerks looking to ride the financial coattails of my RPLLN earnings. They are such jerks, I don't even know why I'm friends with them. They make me laugh, I guess. With farts. They fart a lot and the farts smell really bad. #friends

WHAT IS RIPPLN?

I'm glad you asked because I do not know. Is it different than the RPLLN mentioned earlier?

Rippln is a platform based on the APP (smartphone applications) that aims to revolutionize the world of web and social networking in particular.

This sounds almost too good to be true! Sort of like that show, "Rippln's Believe It Or Not." Serious question: are there phases?

In the first phase, everything revolves around the creation of the network.

Phase 1: Create network.
Phase 2: Stuff happens.
Phase 3: Get $$$$$$$$$$$$

(You joined Facebook?

Yep.

a?

Who's NOT on a, amiright? Even my mom joined a two weeks ago, and she's all like, "How do I post an Intagram hashtag to this thing, so confused!" Ha, ha, lolz. #moms

a Twitter Linkedin?

Of course I'm on a Twitter Linkedin! It's the only social networking site available where you can confirm your friends have jobs and also see pictures of DMX riding a horse:





Use Whatsapp?

I don't use Whatsapp, but everybody is talking about it! Hold on ... (installs Whatsapp) ... dude, this is amazing, how did I ever live without this? #whatsapp

Then, I suggest you subscribe immediately at Rippln. The why and the how, you will soon.)

I want the why and how now.

You will earn commissions when any member of the global network that is dawning will purchase one of the many APP offered by the system or simply displays the advertisements contained therein. (You know how much is the Apple business Store, the largest application store online?)

Surely even the Apple business store had to start somewhere. Probably by sending out well-written emails to potential investors not dissimilar to this: You know how much is the computer thing, the largest business thing?

registration is free, but we need an invitation code Request the code by first name, last name and email address, at

(my wife's cousin's email address, which was hacked)

Thank you to all my friends who read this amazing post. You are all lazy jerks but I love you. I will give you the RPLLN money when I see you, lazy jerks. (re-mounts material, rides off into sunset)