Thursday, May 30, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Talented Singer

As a talent agent Randy Jackson publications manager at two weekly newspapers, it makes my ears perk up when I read about a talented singer. Why do my ears perk up when I read? I don't know, it's weird.

Dear Friend,

I´m contacting you in order to present you a new talented actor and singer who is being considered one of the world´s most beautiful voices.


I love beautiful voices! What is his/her name?

There are four points where we may work together:
 

1) We are looking for an International/Local  Manager/Agent. Maybe you can be that person, or help us to find that person.

Oh, you want to me to manage/find a manager for your singer? NO PROBLEM. I manage singers all the time, and it's weird that you knew that because none of my singers are famous because I am a terrible manager. One of my singers is a 93-year-old lady named Oldy McNasty who sings nasty R&B songs and who almost made it to the first round of "America's Got Talent" but I forgot to fill out the application. But it was cool because she died.

2) His first international tour is already being planned.  Maybe you can help us to organize his shows in your region. 

I'd be happy to help organize the international tour of this person whose name I do not know! I handle all anonymous talent on the northwest side of Maricopa County, and I already booked a Wednesday morning show at the Horse & Saddle Bait Shop and Bar Hop. I hope he juggles and also does nudity. He will be paid in bait.

3) He also performs in corporate events and parties (therefore there are many different show options and styles), if you also work in that area, you can help us to sell his shows.

I feel like maybe you think I'm a different person than I actually am.

4) We are also looking for contacts in recording companies and in the show buzz.

My friend Matt from high school manages Bell Biv Devoe and Slick Rick (I know it's hard to tell sometimes, but I am not even kidding). I will talk to him, promise. Not about this - this is stupid - about fantasy baseball because he's also in our fantasy baseball league.

"IN THE SHOW BUZZ???"

You can listen to his work at the site: www.the-number-one.org/talent

Okay so yeah I went to the site and a few things:

- His name is Helicio Hime and it says "he is considered the real: 'ELVIS SINATRA PAVAROTTI'!" That is in quotes so ... did someone actually say that? Is there a fake Elvis Sinatra Pavarotti out there? I will be on the lookout for imposters.

- Also: "HELICIO HIME is a complete artist. He dances, acts, composes, plays guitar, piano, writes, paints and sculpts." Come to the Holiday Inn Express this Saturday and watch Elvis Sinatra Pavarotti sculpt a birdhouse on stage! The show is seven hours and there is a two-drink minimum.

- It says he also founded "one of the most prestigious and award-winning software companies." So there is that. Pretty good fall-back plan if this whole singing/sculpting thing doesn't work out, if you ask me.

- There is one photo of Helicio singing passionately in front of a confederate flag.

- There is another photo of him staring at himself lovingly in the mirror with the phrase, "HELCIO HIME conquers every public!"

So anyway, this is pretty much my new favorite website. My blog gets like 10 hits a day, so to whoever sent me this email ("Ceasar, personal assistant") - sit back and wait for the fame to roll in. You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Subscriber feedback jamboree, part two

Gary of Glendale is a loyal subscriber who obviously loves our paper. He likes The Glendale Star because “too much emphasis on Chamber of Commerce activities, youth sports.” This reads like a criticism, but I’ll take it as a compliment. “You can never have enough Chamber of Commerce activities,” is what my mom used to say when she realized that I, at the age of 4, would become publications manager at two weekly newspapers.

So we know what Gary doesn’t like. But what doesn’t he like? If he could change The Star, he would “expand letters to the editor, invite guest editors.” The letters to the editor, like classifieds, are dictated by you, the community, and trust me when I say we publish almost all of the ones we receive, even the ones that arrive handwritten and barely legible with coffee stains via courier or fax and that we have to retype ourselves. So keep ‘em comin’! Via email, however! Or at least typed! PLEASE. As far as guest editors—that is definitely an idea. Our editor, Carolyn Dryer, has not had a vacation in 38 years, so that would be good. Maybe you, Gary, can guest edit? I have a feeling it would be the least Chamber of Commerce/youth sports issue ever! I am game. YOLO.

But let’s get down to the heart of the matter. Why do people really enjoy our papers? Let’s go to Sue of Glendale. She likes The Star because “I enjoy reading.” So there you have it. Our papers are definitely something that can be read, what with all the words and stuff. This is high praise because not every newspaper is readable. Like newspapers that haven’t been printed yet, and The Wall Street Journal. It’s like, what are they even talking about?

But Sue is not the only one impressed by our surplus of words. William of Glendale likes The Star because “I enjoy all the articles that are written.” Believe me, William, if you like the articles that are written, you should read the ones I have only thought of. I have thought about articles like, “Peoria: what’s with all the streets?” and “Council meeting ends in dance off.” I think these are great ideas but no one listens to me around here. Anyway, thanks.

Yet there remains a point of contention regarding exactly where our words are printed. Elena of Glendale writes “Do not change and go online. I like printed news.” Pam of Peoria adds, “I do not go ON LINE to read. Some of us still like to read a newspaper. Thank you for taking care of us. Don’t ‘ON LINE’ yourself out of business.” I’ve received several renewal forms with similar feedback, and I’d just like to stress that we are not forcing anyone to use computers. Our websites will not infringe upon our print product … until, of course, computers take over the world and DESTROY US ALL. When that happens, you’ll be the first to know. Please keep checking our websites for updates. I mean … whatever.

Finally, let’s check in with John from Glendale. If he could change The Star, he would change it “to The Chandler Star. I moved.” Thanks, John! I will ask. (Probably not, though.)

Thus concludes two weeks of my own playful riffing on your honest suggestions. In all seriousness, I cannot stress enough how grateful we are for the feedback and suggestions we receive. We operate only because of you, the community, our loyal readers, and we take everything you have to say into consideration. You keep us moving and you make us better, and I hope we continue to keep you informed and entertained. I ... I love you. Did I say that out loud? Oh well.

Note: This column appears in the 5/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/31 issue of the Peoria Times.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: (AD)    4-point IR touch panels for  Bank equipment ,excellent

I don't even know where to begin with the cray cray that is this subject header. As usual, I am most disturbed by the random spacing. Here is the editor of this subject header:

Editor: No, no, no, this is all wrong! Crumbles up paper printout of subject header, throws in nearby garbage can, misses. First you have to acknowledge this is an AD so we don't get sued. But put it in parentheses so maybe they don't notice. People are idiots. Then you gotta hit the space bar like ... a bunch of times. Go with your gut on that one. Like four or five times maybe. Go with five. Then talk about the 4-point IR touch panels - remember, when a number begins a sentence, you ALWAYS use the numeric digit - and then capitalize the "B" in "bank equipment" after a random space. Then random space, comma, no space, adjective. Honestly, where did you even go to school?

Anyway, because I work at a BANK and use BANK EQUIPMENT all the time, I was always wondering: what is bank equipment? Like a computer? A calculator? A safe? Those thingees they put my check in that go zzz zzzz zzzzzzz and then something happens? Also, can I get 4-point IR touch panels for all that stuff? And if so, what do 4-point IR touch panels even look like? Is there some kind of awesome graphic that will inevitably lure me into believing I can no longer live without 4-point IR touch panels?

YOU GUYS



I FEEL LIKE I AM WATCHING AVATAR IN AN IMAX THEATER ON ACID

We are qualified manufacturer of interactive touch panels in China.

*STARING*

Our products include 15"-32" single/dual SAW touch screens, 15"-250" 1/2/4/6/10/16/32 point IR touch screens, 2.4" to 42" resistive touch screens.

*STARING*

If you are interested, please feel free to tell me.

I AM INTERESTED IN YOUR TOUCH PANELS DUH. THERE I TOLD YOU.

Look forward to your early news.

THIS JUST IN: MAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH INTERACTIVE 4-POINT IR TOUCH PANELS, ORDERS 100 OF THEM. MORE, PLUS THE WEATHER, AT 11.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Subscriber feedback jamboree, part one

As all of our loyal subscribers are aware, our renewal notices include two sections that solicit reader feedback: “I like the paper because …” and “If I could change the paper I would …” I am here to tell you, these responses are not taken lightly. I read each and every one before I shred the notice and forget everything you wrote.

Of course I am kidding—I don’t shred the notices unless you write/draw something nasty (I'm looking at you, DELORES). In fact, I think this week would be a good time to take a deeper look at what you, the reader, like and dislike about our newspapers.

I should start by saying that most subscribers write nothing in these sections. This leads me to believe that approximately 90 percent of you do not like our paper and don’t want anything to change. That is fine by me. As long as we don’t have to change anything. Thanks for your feedback!

The most common response is one of appreciation, that you like our paper because it is local. We pride ourselves on our localness and we tried to reflect that in the names of our publications. You’d be surprised how many phone calls I get like this:

Person: Hi, yes, is this The Glendale Star and Peoria Times newspapers?

Me: Yes.

Person: Okay, great. Let me ask you something—what areas do your papers cover?

Me: Great question. The Glendale Star covers Gilbert and the Peoria Times covers France.

Anyway, we appreciate that you appreciate our local news. It’s difficult to refrain from writing about national topics like stupid North Korea and Lindsay Lohan, but we do it for you.

So it’s obvious we are great. But, what would you change? Let’s go to Mike in Peoria. If he could change the Peoria Times, he would “delete the police blotter about arrests.” Okay, that is interesting. I don’t know if we can do that, but maybe people will stop doing dumb and terrible things and this problem will take care of itself—fingers crossed!

What about you, Harry in Glendale? If you could change The Glendale Star you would, add “more police reports and more recipes.” Sorry, Mike, but Harry likes the police pages. I’ll see what I can do about the recipes because I agree—after reading about local arrests, I usually get the urge to make potato soup. Anything else, Harry? “Harry is dead, please change the name to Marge, this is Marge.” Done and done. But should we call the police?

The police blotter is not the only source of reader disagreement. Jennie of Glendale likes The Star because of its “coverage of local sports.” Cool, thanks, Jennie! Let’s now go to Wayne of Glendale: “More gardening and less sports.” Not for nothing, Wayne, but I think this country as a whole already places too much emphasis on gardening. We’ve lost perspective. It’s like, the nation’s top gardeners are making millions of dollars while teachers are working two, sometimes three jobs? Sorry, but I’m not going to play into that. Thank you for your comments, however.

Let us not forget the other sections of the paper. Barbara of Peoria, if she could change the Times, would “have more classifieds” (this is underlined many times and I think Barbara is upset). Believe me, Barb, we are trying. Unfortunately that rests on the community, and I cannot just make up classified ads in order to satisfy your insatiable appetite for classifieds. Possibly you would like to place a classified ad calling for more classifieds? Please call me.

Stay tuned for part two next week, and in the meantime, keep sending that feedback! I need it to write part two.

NOTE: Some names were changed to protect the identities of our readers. I'm looking at you, DELORES.

Note: This column appears in the 5/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/24 issue of the Peoria Times.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Spam text of the day


OH DANG MY CREDIT UNION CARD? I WAS WONDERING WHY I COULDN'T PAY FOR THOSE DOPE CURTAIN PANELS WITH MY CREDIT UNION CARD. AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT UNION CARD AND ALSO BECAUSE: WHAT IS A CREDIT UNION CARD? BUT NOW I REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE MY CREDIT UNION CARD HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. SNAP YO, HOW'M I GONNA RESOLVE THIS ISH? YO YO YO YO CHECK IT, MAYBE IF I GO TO THIS PERSONAL LINK? WORD, THAT'S A RELIEF. I HATE WHEN A CARD I DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED AND THEY DON'T PROVIDE THE LINK TO SHIFTEDLANDS.COM. THIS LINK IS MAD PERSONAL, SON. GOT PHOTOS OF ME AS A KID ON HERE, GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND ALL THAT. CAN'T BE GETTIN' ALL NOSTALGIC, GOTTA UNBLOCK THIS SUSPENSION. DONE. BAM. WE OUT.




/phone breaks/identity ruined/

LOT A PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A CARD THEY DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED. THEY'RE LIKE, MAYBE I SHOULD CALL MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY OR THE CREDIT CARD POLICE? NAW, SON. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. SHIFTEDLANDS.COM BACKSLASH ACTIVATE ONLINE. SOME PEOPLE START ASKING MAD QUESTIONS LIKE, WHY DID THIS CARD I DON'T OWN GET SUSPENDED AND WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? NOW MY CARD CAN'T GRADUATE? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? JUST STOP WITH ALL THAT NONSENSE. SHIFTEDLANDS.COM.

SHIFTEDLANDS.COM

SHIFTEDLANDS.COM

SHIFTEDLANDS.COM

FOR ALL YOUR CREDIT UNION CARD SUSPENSION NEEDS.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Spam email of the week

For some reason my email at work subscribes to Wendy's. I have tried to unsubscribe many, many times -

"Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?"

A MILLION TIMES "YES!"

"Okay sorry to see you go! Can you give us a reason?"

YES I HATE YOU

"Thanks for your input!"

(receive 800 emails about junior bacon cheeseburger)

- to no avail. Honestly, I get more emails from Wendy's than I do from people who claim to love me. Sometimes I want to unsubscribe from my emotions.

Subject: Shhh … Our salads have a secret

Everybody be quiet. The salads at Wendy's have a secret. I can't wait to hear what this bowl of shit-ass lettuce and processed chicken parts is going to tell me.




CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? WE HOPE NOT.

What the hell is going on? I'm trying to be quiet over here so I can hear the salad secret, but now the salad doesn't TRUST than I can keep the secret, but also doesn't want me to keep the secret? I'm skeptical that this stupid salad even understands what "secret" means. Also, WHAT IS THE SECRET?

We do more to make our salads taste better.

Is that the secret? I was led to believe a talking salad was going to whisper a secret recipe into my ear, but now it seems some corporate social media marketing person is writing terrible copy on behalf of the salad. I am very, very disappointed.

You could almost call it a secret.

Almost?

Until now.

My head is spinning. You could almost call it something once but not anymore! DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WENDY'S

Visit wendys.com/secrets to unlock all the tasty secrets behind our salads and you could win a $25 gift card from Wendy’s®.

Yeah okay so I did this. I'm not proud, but I did. I have never seen something so complicated in my entire life. There are 12 salad secrets and each of them have hints. I was going to try and unlock some of the secrets for the purposes of this post, but I did not for two reasons: 1) the page requests that you log in with facebook, and I feared that if I tried to do something, my facebook news feed would be like, "Mike Kenny tried to unlock Wendy's salad secret No. 7!" and I would want to crawl into a cave and not emerge for 10 years; and 2) if I did manage to unlock all 12 salad secrets and earned a $25 Wendy's gift card, I would be forced to reassess my entire path in life, and also I wouldn't eat a Wendy's salad or a Wendy's anything (non-Frosty) because I have been adamantly opposed to square hamburgers even before I gave up meat (3).

Okay fine who am I kidding. I logged out of all my social media sites and tried to unlock salad secret No. 2 (I couldn't figure out the deal with No. 1, obvs), which just led me to Wendy's Twitter page. So: salad secret No. 2 is Wendy's Twitter page. I have no idea what is going on, but I have already wasted like 45 minutes doing Wendy's-related things. They are never going to stop sending me emails.

Oh, by the way, for what it's worth, the Wendy's Twitter page attempts to create hashtags like #IdShareAFrostyWith, and, for EARTH DAY, recommended followers tweet them a pic "of your Flatbread Grilled Chicken in nature" (!!!!) with this pic:


Guys, SOMEBODY DID THIS. Somebody took a picture of a chicken sandwich in a tulip garden. PUTTING YOUR PROCESSED CHICKEN SANDWICH WITH ITS WRAPPER IN SOME FLOWERS AND TAKING A PICTURE OF IT TO POST ON THE INTERNET = SAVING THE EARTH. Okay, now I've wasted about an hour. I'm done now, for real.

#IdShareAFrostyWith Emily Dickinson.

Okay now I'm done.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Birds of a feather prevent us from flocking somewhere together

You may or may not remember that my wife has an extreme fear of birds. I mean, you would only remember that if you read the column from like four years ago about how my wife hates birds. These are the types of things I write about. Honestly? I’m not sure why anyone reads this column.

Anyway, if for some reason you don’t remember that particular column or have it handy in your archives, here are the Cliff Notes: my wife hates birds. If I had to boil “birds” down (my wife would literally like to boil birds) to something more specific, I will say that my wife hates, especially, pigeons.

Pigeons, I think, are most famous for residing in two places: Italy and New York. With regards to the former, my wife spent many vacations in her father’s homeland, and of all the wonderful things Italy is famous for, the pigeons in St. Mark’s Square are not one. In fact, if you YouTube “pigeon attack in St. Mark’s Square,” you, too, will develop a hatred of pigeons. Hey, let’s go to Italy so we can have the experience of vile-filled rats with wings descending on us as if the gates of hell have been opened. Sounds fun. As far as NYC is concerned, my wife attended NYU, and would literally cross the street every time a pigeon was in her way. This, of course, meant that it took her three hours to get to class, and she failed out of school after one week (not true).

I’m not going to say that “escaping the general vicinity of pigeons” was high on our list of reasons to move to Arizona, or on our list at all, but I will say we were genuinely surprised to discover that pigeons reside in Arizona, too. I don’t understand how these dumb pigeons survive the desert heat. It would be cool if the pigeon population had decided the Valley was a good place to migrate, and then sometime in July of 1780 they all spontaneously burst into flames, causing their mass extinction. Oh well.

You also may or may not remember that we now have solar panels on our roof. Maybe you didn’t read that column (weirdo). Maybe you are reading this column and thinking, “Where is this even going?” Well let me tell you where this is going.

A significant amount of pigeons are currently living underneath our solar panels. There are nests. New generations of pigeons are spawning from our roof, and we hear their terrible ooo-ooooing at all hours of the day. The noise coming from our house sounds like 10 owls are dying of laryngitis. You can imagine how well this unfortunate fact has been received at home.

Strangely, my strategy of throwing tennis balls at them has not forced them to relocate, meaning I had to explore other options. Apparently, the process of having nesting pigeons removed from your roof/solar panels is not as easy/inexpensive as I had hoped. It is probably going to cost us more than $1,000 to have these dumb pigeons removed in a way that ensures they don’t return. In detailing the reason for the high price, the woman on the phone used the phrase “toxic feces.” God, pigeons are the worst. Really, I am talking to God. God, why did You create pigeons? I don’t understand. According to the Bible, even St. Francis hated pigeons. True story.

Anyway, we are now in serious discussions about having to cancel our summer vacation to pay for pigeon removal services. I am looking forward to someone asking me, “Hey, why didn’t you guys go to Seattle?” so I can reply, “Toxic feces.” I hope everyone has a great summer. Please kill a pigeon.


Note: This column appears in the 5/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/17 issue of Peoria Times.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Spam email of the week

Dear Manager / Executive !

Oh my goodness simmer down ... "Muhammad Shamas," a.k.a. info@qkimpex.com. The enthusiasm of your impersonal salutation is creeping me out. J/k I love it! I am a very important executive by the way, in charge of everything and with money to burn. Holla atcha boy.

Hope this message will be fine in your good health and most prosperous business.

Dude, Muhammad. What. The. Hell. Was that? Calm down. Maybe we should start over? I feel like you're trying too hard, talking about health and all that at the jumpoff. Just take a deep breath and preach your game.

We are manufacturer cum exporters of all kinds

I'm going to ignore that, but: !!! You might want to proofread these emails before you hit send. Just a suggestion.

of boxing gloves, MMA gloves, weight lifiting belts,

Oh, cool. Possibly you've heard that our newspaper dabbles in a wide array of interests: swim caps, djing weddings, fire hoses, etc. We learned a long time ago that simply producing newspapers was not exactly diversifying our portfolio. And it just so happens that yes - we also host MMA events here as well. Just last week we put on Marquez vs. freelance school reporter, and it got pretty ugly. We might be getting sued, actually. I guess what I'm saying is, your email DOES will be fine in most prosperous business.

gloves and other hoisery products and supply our products almost all corners of the world with entire satisfaction of trade and profession.

Do weight lifting belts fall under "hosiery?" Like, if I went into, say, Talbot's, and said, "Please direct me to your hosiery section, please," I should expect to find weight lifting belts there? Also, how much for 17 weight lifting belts?

Our all products are fully guaranteed against any legitimate manufacturing defects.

"Hello, Muhammad? Yes, I'd like to return these weight lifting belts."

"Is the reason for your return legitimate?"

"Well, it appears they are made of construction paper and provide little support. I threw my back out thinking about trying to bench press 50 pounds. Also, this is a newspaper and I ordered them in error."

"I'm sorry we don't cover illegitimate reasons thank you bye good luck with prosperous business."

Also being customised with the color / logo to boost up the business of our valued customers in highly superb quality and un-beatn prices.

May I suggest a slogan? Muhammad Whatever's Gloves And Other Hosiery Stuff: Our Prices Are Un-beatn! (Leave off the last "e" for save-ings!)

If you need more information, kindly feel free to write us, which will be at our best attention.

Cool sentence! Where should I send my letter?

Mailing Adress: Ahmad Nagar Bonga, Chungi No#8, Zafarwal Road, Sialkot 51310 - Pakistan.

Nice, let me just mail this boxing gloves order to Ahmad Nagar Bonga, c/o Muhammad Shammas, to suite number Chungi No#8 at a street with no number in Pakistan. One time I sent something to Pakistan to the wrong Chungi number and it ended up being a tremendous hassle, as you can imagine. Anyway, I excitedly await my hosiery and sincerely hope that I do not receive ANYTHING else you may export.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Potty training No. 1 misnomer, cause of parental madness

Honestly, I don’t even know why it’s called potty training. There is no training going on. As a parent you just say things and do things that the child totally couldn’t care less about and/or will forget about three seconds later, if she’s processed anything at all.

Potty training is a term adults made up to mask the unfortunate fact that you are completely at the mercy of when your child randomly decides she will stop crapping her pants.

Meanwhile you say things at parties like, “I am potty training my child” (I go to terrible parties), even though nothing tangible is happening. In your mind there is a montage set to “Eye of the Tiger” or the “Benny Hill” theme, depending on your personality, of all the times you have left food on the table and fruitlessly brought the child to the potty, and all the INSANE and contrived celebrations for when she pees even a smidgen of urine—“YEA I’M SO PROUD OF YOU HIGH FIVE YOU DID IT!”—and you imagine a time when she finally “gets it,” and all of your efforts will prove that you are awesome and persistent and a fantastic parent. But the truth is that you are none of those things, and while you were thinking about all that your kid crapped her pants like three times.

The thing is, I’m not scared of poop. I’ve been to college; I know what it’s like to clean poop off myself someone. It’s the principle of the thing that drives me mad. I mean, yeah, okay, you’re 2 years old. I get that. But you can hold a fork, right? You understand that the fork will bring the food to your mouth? You can walk, talk, experience sensations, etc.? WHY CAN’T YOU DISCARD YOUR BODILY WASTE APPROPRIATELY? How are you even walking around like that?

I don’t know. Sometimes I think it’s a power struggle, and this little girl is straight playing me for a fool. Like it’s all a big game. Like she’s going to leave the police station and her limp will straighten and poo will run down her leg. Sometimes I think I’m trying to teach something to, ya' know, a 2-year-old. Like maybe I expect too much? I just … I don’t know. You tell me.

Me: This is the potty. This is where you pee and poop. Not in your diaper. Here. On this. (sit her on potty)

Her: POTTY?

Me: Yes, potty. This is where you pee and poop. Please do those things now.

Her: I WANT BOOK PLEASE.

Me: Okay, here is book about how to go potty. See how the boy goes potty?

Her: (drops book in bathtub) REMEMBER I PET THE DOG?

Me: Yes, I remember when you pet that dog like three weeks ago. Can you go potty please?

Her: NO HAVE TO GO POTTY.

Me: Are you sure you don’t have to go potty? Why don’t you just try?

Her: HAVE TO GO POTTY?

Me: I don’t—what? Are you asking me if I have to go or saying you do have to go?

Her: YES.

Me: Doesn't matter. Please go potty.

Her: HER AT SCHOOL HAD A YELLOW ONE.

Me: I, uh … I don’t know what that means. Can you go potty though?

Her: NO HAVE TO GO POTTY.

Me: Are you sure?

Her: YES.

Me: Will you tell me when you have to go?

Her: YES. POTTY.

Me: Promise?

Her: YES. POTTY.

Me: Yes, potty. Okay. (take her off potty, put on fresh diaper, wash her hands, bring her downstairs)

Her: (craps pants)

Please somebody help me.

Note: An edited version of this column appears in the 5/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/10 issue of Peoria Times.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Classifed

Hello Newspaper,


If our newspaper could talk, it would say, "Hello!" Well, not today, cause it's being a dick. But usually.

I have a classified ad for free motorcycle due to my son sudden death

Oh okay. Maybe you want to leave out the part about your son dying because that is terrible. Also, since it's come up, I guess I have to ask: did your son die on the motorcycle? You say it was sudden and now a motorcycle is for sale? I don't know. I'm trying to put two and two together here. I have come to the conclusion that yes, that is what happened.

and i am not good in riding a motorcycle ,

Have you considered taking motorcycle-riding lessons? I am sure that's what he would have wanted. Mom, if something ever happens, please learn to ride this motorcycle to honor my memory, if it's still functional after the accident. I know you are like 60 or whatever, but it would mean a lot to me, in heaven, to see you riding the thing that caused my death.

I am surprised that your reason for not wanting the motorcycle is that you are "not good in riding a motorcycle" as opposed to "my son died on this thing, please get it out of my face."

So i will like to give the bike out to a less privilege person to handle and use it well for life.

"Attention all poor people: You don't have to be poor anymore because there is a free motorcycle available. My son died on it but whatever. Please handle it and use it well for life and motorcycle-ride your way out of poverty." That is how I have written the ad. Does that work?

HONDA 1988 GL1500 MOTORBIKE FOR GIVE AWAY TO A RESPONSIBLE PERSON DUE TO MY SON SUDDEN DEATH IF INTERESTED CONTACT jane.gank2009@yahoo.com

Okay, so I didn't have all the specifics. Let me touch it up a bit.

U RESPONSIBLE AND POOR? HONDA 1988 GL1500 MOTORBIKE THAT KILLED MY SON I MEAN THAT MY SON USED TO RIDE NOW AVAILABLE BECAUSE MY SON'S NOT AROUND ANYMORE BECAUSE HE DIED. SUDDENLY, WASN'T PLANNED. MOTORCYCLE AVAILABILITY A COINCIDENCE. MY NAME IS JANE GANK.

I've been thinking about this a lot ever since you emailed me, Jane Gank. And here's the thing - why pay for a classified ad when you can just leave the motorcycle on the sidewalk or something with the keys in it? Poor people love stealing stuff, and then you don't have to go through the hassle. Just a thought. I'm trying to be sensitive to your situation. Then again, if you did it that way, then you can't convince some idiot there's a free motorcycle available, but the only thing you need is just like $100 to ship it/insure the transaction, so they should just pass along some payment info so you can send out a bike that doesn't exist.

I mean, I would take it myself, but I am also not good in riding a motorcycle. As it were, I'm pouring out some liquor for my fake spam email homies that didn't make it ... see you at the crossroads ... this one's for you, Frank Gank. (p.s.: Was your son's name Frank?)