Posts

Showing posts from May, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Talented Singer

As a talent agentRandy Jackson publications manager at two weekly newspapers, it makes my ears perk up when I read about a talented singer. Why do my ears perk up when I read? I don't know, it's weird.

Dear Friend,

I´m contacting you in order to present you a new talented actor and singer who is being considered one of the world´s most beautiful voices.


I love beautiful voices! What is his/her name?

There are four points where we may work together:

1) We are looking for an International/Local  Manager/Agent. Maybe you can be that person, or help us to find that person.

Oh, you want to me to manage/find a manager for your singer? NO PROBLEM. I manage singers all the time, and it's weird that you knew that because none of my singers are famous because I am a terrible manager. One of my singers is a 93-year-old lady named Oldy McNasty who sings nasty R&B songs and who almost made it to the first round of "America's Got Talent" but I for…

Subscriber feedback jamboree, part two

Gary of Glendale is a loyal subscriber who obviously loves our paper. He likes The Glendale Star because “too much emphasis on Chamber of Commerce activities, youth sports.” This reads like a criticism, but I’ll take it as a compliment. “You can never have enough Chamber of Commerce activities,” is what my mom used to say when she realized that I, at the age of 4, would become publications manager at two weekly newspapers.

So we know what Gary doesn’t like. But what doesn’t he like? If he could change The Star, he would “expand letters to the editor, invite guest editors.” The letters to the editor, like classifieds, are dictated by you, the community, and trust me when I say we publish almost all of the ones we receive, even the ones that arrive handwritten and barely legible with coffee stains via courier or fax and that we have to retype ourselves. So keep ‘em comin’! Via email, however! Or at least typed! PLEASE. As far as guest editors—that is definitely an idea. Our editor, Carol…

Spam email of the week

Image
Subject: (AD)    4-point IR touch panels for  Bank equipment ,excellent

I don't even know where to begin with the cray cray that is this subject header. As usual, I am most disturbed by the random spacing. Here is the editor of this subject header:

Editor: No, no, no, this is all wrong! Crumbles up paper printout of subject header, throws in nearby garbage can, misses. First you have to acknowledge this is an AD so we don't get sued. But put it in parentheses so maybe they don't notice. People are idiots. Then you gotta hit the space bar like ... a bunch of times. Go with your gut on that one. Like four or five times maybe. Go with five. Then talk about the 4-point IR touch panels - remember, when a number begins a sentence, you ALWAYS use the numeric digit - and then capitalize the "B" in "bank equipment" after a random space. Then random space, comma, no space, adjective. Honestly, where did you even go to school?

Anyway, because I work at a BANK and u…

Subscriber feedback jamboree, part one

As all of our loyal subscribers are aware, our renewal notices include two sections that solicit reader feedback: “I like the paper because …” and “If I could change the paper I would …” I am here to tell you, these responses are not taken lightly. I read each and every one before I shred the notice and forget everything you wrote.

Of course I am kidding—I don’t shred the notices unless you write/draw something nasty (I'm looking at you, DELORES). In fact, I think this week would be a good time to take a deeper look at what you, the reader, like and dislike about our newspapers.

I should start by saying that most subscribers write nothing in these sections. This leads me to believe that approximately 90 percent of you do not like our paper and don’t want anything to change. That is fine by me. As long as we don’t have to change anything. Thanks for your feedback!

The most common response is one of appreciation, that you like our paper because it is local. We pride ourselves on our…

Spam text of the day

Image
OH DANG MY CREDIT UNION CARD? I WAS WONDERING WHY I COULDN'T PAY FOR THOSE DOPE CURTAIN PANELS WITH MY CREDIT UNION CARD. AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT UNION CARD AND ALSO BECAUSE: WHAT IS A CREDIT UNION CARD? BUT NOW I REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE MY CREDIT UNION CARD HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. SNAP YO, HOW'M I GONNA RESOLVE THIS ISH? YO YO YO YO CHECK IT, MAYBE IF I GO TO THIS PERSONAL LINK? WORD, THAT'S A RELIEF. I HATE WHEN A CARD I DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED AND THEY DON'T PROVIDE THE LINK TO SHIFTEDLANDS.COM. THIS LINK IS MAD PERSONAL, SON. GOT PHOTOS OF ME AS A KID ON HERE, GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND ALL THAT. CAN'T BE GETTIN' ALL NOSTALGIC, GOTTA UNBLOCK THIS SUSPENSION. DONE. BAM. WE OUT.




/phone breaks/identity ruined/

LOT A PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A CARD THEY DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED. THEY'RE LIKE, MAYBE I SHOULD CALL MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY OR THE CREDIT CARD POLICE? NAW, SON. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THA…

Spam email of the week

Image
For some reason my email at work subscribes to Wendy's. I have tried to unsubscribe many, many times -

"Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?"

A MILLION TIMES "YES!"

"Okay sorry to see you go! Can you give us a reason?"

YES I HATE YOU

"Thanks for your input!"

(receive 800 emails about junior bacon cheeseburger)

- to no avail. Honestly, I get more emails from Wendy's than I do from people who claim to love me. Sometimes I want to unsubscribe from my emotions.

Subject: Shhh … Our salads have a secret

Everybody be quiet. The salads at Wendy's have a secret. I can't wait to hear what this bowl of shit-ass lettuce and processed chicken parts is going to tell me.




CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? WE HOPE NOT.

What the hell is going on? I'm trying to be quiet over here so I can hear the salad secret, but now the salad doesn't TRUST than I can keep the secret, but also doesn't want me to keep the secret? I'm skeptical that this stupid…

Birds of a feather prevent us from flocking somewhere together

Image
You may or may not remember that my wife has an extreme fear of birds. I mean, you would only remember that if you read the column from like four years ago about how my wife hates birds. These are the types of things I write about. Honestly? I’m not sure why anyone reads this column.

Anyway, if for some reason you don’t remember that particular column or have it handy in your archives, here are the Cliff Notes: my wife hates birds. If I had to boil “birds” down (my wife would literally like to boil birds) to something more specific, I will say that my wife hates, especially, pigeons.

Pigeons, I think, are most famous for residing in two places: Italy and New York. With regards to the former, my wife spent many vacations in her father’s homeland, and of all the wonderful things Italy is famous for, the pigeons in St. Mark’s Square are not one. In fact, if you YouTube “pigeon attack in St. Mark’s Square,” you, too, will develop a hatred of pigeons. Hey, let’s go to Italy so we can have …

Spam email of the week

Dear Manager / Executive !

Oh my goodness simmer down ... "Muhammad Shamas," a.k.a. info@qkimpex.com. The enthusiasm of your impersonal salutation is creeping me out. J/k I love it! I am a very important executive by the way, in charge of everything and with money to burn. Holla atcha boy.

Hope this message will be fine in your good health and most prosperous business.

Dude, Muhammad. What. The. Hell. Was that? Calm down. Maybe we should start over? I feel like you're trying too hard, talking about health and all that at the jumpoff. Just take a deep breath and preach your game.

We are manufacturer cum exporters of all kinds

I'm going to ignore that, but: !!! You might want to proofread these emails before you hit send. Just a suggestion.

of boxing gloves, MMA gloves, weight lifiting belts,

Oh, cool. Possibly you've heard that our newspaper dabbles in a wide array of interests: swim caps, djing weddings, fire hoses, etc. We learned a long time ago that simply produc…

Potty training No. 1 misnomer, cause of parental madness

Honestly, I don’t even know why it’s called potty training. There is no training going on. As a parent you just say things and do things that the child totally couldn’t care less about and/or will forget about three seconds later, if she’s processed anything at all.

Potty training is a term adults made up to mask the unfortunate fact that you are completely at the mercy of when your child randomly decides she will stop crapping her pants.

Meanwhile you say things at parties like, “I am potty training my child” (I go to terrible parties), even though nothing tangible is happening. In your mind there is a montage set to “Eye of the Tiger” or the “Benny Hill” theme, depending on your personality, of all the times you have left food on the table and fruitlessly brought the child to the potty, and all the INSANE and contrived celebrations for when she pees even a smidgen of urine—“YEA I’M SO PROUD OF YOU HIGH FIVE YOU DID IT!”—and you imagine a time when she finally “gets it,” and all of y…

Spam email of the week

Subject: Classifed

Hello Newspaper,


If our newspaper could talk, it would say, "Hello!" Well, not today, cause it's being a dick. But usually.

I have a classified ad for free motorcycle due to my son sudden death

Oh okay. Maybe you want to leave out the part about your son dying because that is terrible. Also, since it's come up, I guess I have to ask: did your son die on the motorcycle? You say it was sudden and now a motorcycle is for sale? I don't know. I'm trying to put two and two together here. I have come to the conclusion that yes, that is what happened.

and i am not good in riding a motorcycle ,

Have you considered taking motorcycle-riding lessons? I am sure that's what he would have wanted. Mom, if something ever happens, please learn to ride this motorcycle to honor my memory, if it's still functional after the accident. I know you are like 60 or whatever, but it would mean a lot to me, in heaven, to see you riding the thing that caused my de…