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Showing posts from November, 2007

Classic card of the week

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Jim Les, 1992-93 Fleer

Asked to describe Jim Les in three letters or less, Jim Les replied, “’Good.’ No wait, that’s four. Ummm, give me a second here…” After approximately ten minutes, the light bulb went off for Jim Les. He leaned back slowly in his recliner, flashed his famously cocky smile and said, “Me.”

Jim Les rocked #33 as an obvious homage to his idol and career rival Larry Bird. Also like Bird, Les rocked the lethal combination of curly bangs and a short mullet, to the delight of no one in particular.

And also like Bird, Jim Les did his lovemaking behind the three-point line, so to speak. In fact, let’s find out what the back of the card has to say:

Les is more if you are talking about three-point shooters.

Hey, is that a mispri-…Wait, I get it! JIM Les is more, like the phrase “less is more!” Ha, ha! Back of the card, you’ve done it again! Wait…that makes no sense. Whatever! What else ya’ got?

One of the NBA’s most feared long-range missile launchers, Les led the league in trey …

Cardinals ruin Thanksgiving, add “kicker” to holiday wish list

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Note: This column appears in the 11/29 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/30 issue of the Peoria Times

I came home this past Sunday from a nice, long holiday weekend, ready to watch the Cardinals move closer to an NFC playoff spot. Here’s what happened…

-After 10 weeks of suffering through the likes of Vince Young and Jason Campbell, Kurt Warner has somehow become my starting fantasy quarterback. And good thing, because he is dealing on this first drive. Warner to Fitzgerald, touchdown! Looks like both the Cardinals and myself are headed for the playoffs.

-(That was foreshadowing...the bad kind.)

-Trent Dilfer is starting for the 49ers today. My friend Rashad and I like to use the term “Dilfered” to describe a bad loss. For example, if Rashad were to lose a round of golf to an 84-year old woman, I would say he “got Dilfered.”

-Frank Gore goes down awkwardly, and is now limping off the field, which leads the announcers to say that this game could turn into “the Maurice Hicks show.” I h…

Classic card of the week

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Sedale Threatt, 1992-93 Stadium Club

I KNOW you ain’t lookin’ at Sedale Threatt.
-- Sedale Threatt

When not just chillin,’ Sedale Threatt could be found leading the Los Angeles Lakers in various statistical categories. Or, making babies. One of Threatt’s former lovers accused him of having “as many as 14” children. Said Threatt in response, “Accused? What, is it a crime to reproduce?” Sedale Threatt would later find out that, yes, it is a crime to reproduce, as he was sentenced to six months in prison back in 2000 for failing to pay child support. Nevertheless, one of Threatt’s offspring, Sedale, Jr., plays quarterback at Leigh University. As for the others…do they play sports? Then who cares?

But such is not the legacy of Sedale Threatt. For he was much more than fertile. History will remember Sedale Threatt as the man who replaced Magic Johnson as point guard of the Lakers in 1991. So there’s th-…wait. Wait a second. I’m sorry…that…

Say Coyotes, ‘If you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em…senseless’

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Note: This column appears in the 11/21 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/23 issue of the Peoria Times

On November 10th, in what would eventually become a 2-1 Sharks’ victory over Phoenix, former Coyote Jeremy Roenick became the third American-born player to reach 500 goals.

On November 12, the Sharks’ Joe Thornton and Devin Setoguchi each scored twice as San Jose shutout the Coyotes 5-0.

Excited at the prospect of watching the Coyotes potentially turn the tables on this one-sided “rivalry,” I went to this past Thursday’s game, which was Phoenix’s third straight against San Jose. And, at the risk of ruining a week-old surprise, the Sharks won 6-0.

For those scoring at home, last week -- a week that started, mind you, with Phoenix on a very modest two-game winning streak -- resulted in a 13-1 loss, mixed in with some milestones for the opposition, a 2-7 home record, and a last place showing in the Western Conference.

Yikes.

Admittedly, I am no hockey connoisseur. But this was the third …

Classic card of the week

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Elmore Spencer, 1992-93 Fleer

Elmore Spencer is confused. What the hell play are you calling coach? Princeton? X? What is the ref doing? I can’t see! Did he just say I have eight fouls? WTF? Besides being perpetually confused by the intricacies of his role in the NBA -- rebound, outlet pass, stay out of the way, repeat – Elmore Spencer was also famous for being the first player in NBA history to wear eye black during a game, as a result of the glaring sun that often crept its way into various indoor arenas throughout the league. Spencer also chewed tobacco during games and once tried to break up a fastbreak by sliding into Sherman Douglas, tearing Douglas’ ACL in the process.

When he wasn’t busy pretending to play a different sport, Elmore Spencer spent most of his time being fat. Says the back of the card: Spencer, the consummate widebody, led UNLV to a 26-2 mark last year as a senior while averaging 14.8 points, 7.9 rebounds, and 2.5 blocks per game. Consummate widebody? Really? In t…

Big plays, big playmakers define Cards’ ‘D’

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Note: This column appears in the 11/15 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/16 issue of the Peoria Times

Before the start of the season, I wrote, regarding the Arizona Cardinals, that “not one player stands out on defense. Not one.” Now more than halfway through the NFL season, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I was correct.

After all, there are at least five players that stand out on defense. Not one.

See? I just italicized the wrong word! Of course, I’m lying, and once again, an idiot. Granted, at that point in time it seemed, to me at least, that maybe only Adrian Wilson had the potential to affect the outcome of a game on his own. So maybe it’s not that my idiocy has been exposed, but rather that several players on this defense have stepped up to, well, stand out. (In my dreams, I like to imagine that my critical statements provide bulletin board material for the Cards. One scenario has Ken Whisenhunt walking into the locker room, and slamming down a copy of The Glendale Star o…

Classic card of the week

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Stephon Marbury, 1998-99 Upper Deck

Let’s update the paragraph on the back of this card, shall we?

Over the course of the two too (many) seasons which Stephon Marbury has spent with Minnesota New York, the club has taken on the look of one of the league’s premier young teamsthis. Building upon Regressing from a rookie season which saw him earn NBA All-Rookie First Team honors (Second Team honors that year? Kobe Bryant) and carry the Timberwolves Knicks(‘ interns) to their first-ever playoff back-seat-of-a-truck appearance, the second-year rate point shooting guard racked up the NBA’s fourth-best highest assists turnover total* in 1997-98 2006-07 and placed his (self-imposed nick)name (Starbury) alongside the game’s history’s premier playmakers franchise killers, such as Isiah Thomas. Marbury’s improved decision making (“Are you getting in or not?”, Dogfighting is a sport too!) and blinding quickness forehead also combined to boost the former Georgia Tech star’s Phoenix Suns player’s …

Some quick “facts” about Cardinals and Lions

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Note: This column appears in the 11/8 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/9 issue of the Peoria Times

On Sunday, the Arizona Cardinals take on the Detroit Lions. Many people may be confused as to the details surrounding this matchup, and by “many people” I mean “no one in particular.” Nevertheless, that is why I am here. Below are some fast facts about this Sunday’s matchup. Keep in mind however, that my “fast facts” are similar to “Snapple Facts,” in that no one is really certain whether or not they are actually true.

-The Cardinals and Lions first faced each other in the year 1776, with the winner earning America her independence, and the loser forced to move to Detroit. Kurt Warner was but in Kindergarten.

-Many in and around football are describing this matchup as “a poor man’s Colts versus Patriots.” However, they are stressing that the man in question is very, very poor. And also dead.

-In Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna, Sunday’s quarterback matchup will feature two of the most outwa…

Classic card of the week

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Gaston Green, 1992 Collector’s Edge

“Oh, snap! Gaston Green ‘bout to poop in his knickers!”

This is almost certainly what was going through Gaston Green’s mind at this particular moment, although there is no concrete evidence to back that up. What is for certain however, is that this card marked the first time in NFL history that an opposing player showed visible fear of the Chargers’ defense. (This is before, of course, Shawne Merriman began injecting himself with rhinoceros tranquilizer.)

In 1987, an up-and-coming hip-hop artist named Rakim grew a thicker mustache and decided to secretly join the NFL, under the simple alias of Gaston Alfred Green III. Makes sense. Anyhoo, after toiling in Los Angeles with the Rams for three years, Rakim was informed by his hip-hop partner Eric B, that, “Yo! I heard even hip-hop pioneers can thrive within that Denver running system, kid!” Word. And with that, Rakim Gaston hauled ass for Denver, where he immediately rushed for over 1,000 yards in 1991 a…