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Showing posts from February, 2007

Classic card of the week

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Scott Hastings, 1992-93 Fleer

Maybe the most amazing thing about this Scott Hastings card is the fact that this is the best photo Fleer could come up with involving Scott Hastings, one in which he is pretty much completely overshadowed by a guy who is not even Karl Malone, but almost. Says Fleer: “Here is half of Scott Hastings. Enjoy. We had to delay the release of this set for seven months because we were waiting for the Nuggets to put Scott Hastings into the game. When they finally did, we had one camera guy there, and he was working on his seventh Miller Lite at the time. So…this is what we got. And in case you were wondering, he missed the shot. That guy sucks.” Truth be told, a better (worse) photo of Hastings appears on the back of the card, where he is looking fabulous in his vintage Denver Nuggets uni (pre-retro), and most likely staring down court at the other four Nuggets who are doing their darndest to prevent Scott Hastings’ most recent mistake from turning into “points of…

Classic card of the week

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*Special Friday edition
Tim Hardaway, 1997 Upper Deck

It was late in the game and the Gay Team had just taken a one-point lead. Tim Hardaway wasn’t havin’ it. With the force and gusto of Rock Hudson, Hardaway grabbed the ball, and rushed it up the court. He weaved in and out of traffic like a ballet dancer – not the gay kind, though…that would be gay – and drove the lane, being careful not to accidentally brush up against any member of the opposing team. What Tim Hardaway had in store for the Gay Team was a devastating finger roll that put his team – The Heterosexual Heat – up by a point. Unfortunately, Tim Hardaway’s anxiousness to respond to the Gay Team’s lead had left 26 seconds on the clock, an eternity in basketball – enough time, in fact, to watch “Brokeback Mountain” like, eight times. The Gay Team got the ball back, and they took their sweet time bringing it upcourt, wasting precious seconds in an attempt to get the last shot. Tim Hardaway thought that maneuver was gay, and he

NASCAR - deal with it

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There is no hotter sport right now than NASCAR. Seriously. NASCAR is so hot, that you can’t even touch it, unless of course, you’re mega-conglomerate ESPN, which has picked up the sport to add to its dizzying array of sports telecasts, which already include bowling, poker, and spelling bees. And the commercials that ESPN has been using to promote their upcoming coverage of the sport have shown us – the average no-nothing, judgmental idiot – that NASCAR races aren’t just for getting drunk off of Schlitz and watching women flash their boobies, although that’s still pretty cool. NASCAR, in addition, brings families together, and teaches children the values of hard work, commitment, teamwork, the positioning of the lower-right axle, and Schlitz. My own father never brought me to a live NASCAR race, and thus never allowed me the thrill of that first inhalation of exhaust fumes, followed by hours of watching excruciatingly loud cars drive around in circles. Instead he took me to baseball ga…

Classic card of the week

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Terrell Brandon, 1998 NBA Hoops/Skybox

NBA Hoops sports cards would like to take this time to give Terrell Brandon a shOUT. So, holla back, Terrell Brandon. Ya’ know…whenever. Many people may be confused as to what, exactly, a shOUT is, myself included. However, using my vast powers of translation as well as my inordinate amount of street cred, I have inferred that a shOUT is actually a clever – albeit not clever – way of saying (or, writing on a sports card) shout-out. And everybody knows what a shout-out is, which is basically a means of acknowledging that somebody is alive, and that you may or may not know them. By giving someone a shout-out, you are not necessarily wishing them any kind of good fortune, or even trying to elicit a response (although, to holla back would display good manners). You are simply acknowledging their existence within a public forum. Upon further review, NBA Hoops cards probably should have used that extra white space for the additional “out” required to gi…

Classic card of the week

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Todd Hundley, 1996 Topps Laser series

It appears as though somebody left their Todd Hundley card by the ashtray again. Of course, I’m joking – smoking is not cool, not matter what Todd Hundley’s likeness may imply on a baseball card. (Write that one down, kids.) Nevertheless, this card is burned, albeit it not with real fire, to my knowledge. This card is instead burned with the darkest and most confusing image ever seen on a Todd Hundley baseball card. But maybe we can figure this out together. The words that I am able to make out read, “Topps Laser,” which would seem to insinuate that Todd Hundley has been included in a Topps baseball card series entitled “Laser”, which is most likely due to Hundley’s array of laser-like abilities. Lest we forget, Todd Hundley has a rocket, laser arm, laser speed, laser vision, a laser-like sex drive, and is the caretaker of a pool of sharks that have freakin’ laser beams attached to their heads. Through this, it becomes obvious why Todd Hundley has …

Classic card of the week

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Pete Chilcutt, 1992-93 Fleer

When two goofy 6’ 10”-plus white guys collide on a basketball court, bad things happen. Maybe you can tell from the flailing arms in the background, but there is already a man down as a result of this particular collision. Broken back, it appears. Many more followed, of this I am sure. After all, this Pete Chilcutt and Unnamed Doofus collision officially registered a 2.1 on the Caucasian Contact Richter Scale. It’s an epidemic actually; a travesty that can be easily averted with a little less unsolicited hustle. And we’ve all been there – maybe not on the professional level, but still. You’re playing a game of pickup basketball down at the park. Just trying to have a good time. From the nearby trees emerges a 7-foot tall white dude with two humongous knee braces yelling that he’s got next. This guy is here everyday, even holidays. If you drive by the park on your way to grandma’s house on Easter Sunday, he’s there, practicing his baby hook shot. A local leg…

Classic card of the week

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*Special Friday edition
Dickie Noles, 1986 Topps

Dickie Noles – don’t you dare call him Richard! – was both the best pitcher ever named Dickie, and also the worst. Mostly the worst. At the time this card was printed, Dickie Noles’ career record was a rather unDickey-like 28-46. His best season by far was 1982, when, while with the Chicago Cubs (a.k.a. “The Windy City Dickies”), Noles won a whopping 10 games, which was the first and last time in his career he would attain double-digits in victories. In this case, the two digits were “1” and “0,” which is the absolute bare-ass minimum in the realm of double-digits, but did manage to earn him the nickname “Double-Digit Dickie,” which caused many confused outsiders to think that he had two penises. Amazingly, Dickie Noles also posted a double-double that season, losing 13 games as well. This earned him the nickname “Double-Double-Double-Digit Dickie,” which caused many confused outsiders to think that he had eight penises. Or 16, depending …

Why dinosaurs didn't wear pants

This letter is in response to an absolutely fabulous column I recently read - right here - by the grand purveyor of all things rational, Gordon Bishop. I don't nomally delve into such topics, but this was too good to pass up...

Dear Gordon Bishop,

I loved your column in which you courageously put down the idea of global warming. It’s about time that somebody stood up for such a ludicrous concept! We should be happy that the earth is getting warmer, because, as you so adequately pointed out, the dinosaurs lived in warm weather. And they turned out just fine.

I believe that if the dinosaurs were forced to watch Al Gore’s “wobbly Global Warming” documentary, they would have been pissed, and probably would have walked right out of the theater. I think you would agree, because as you pointed out in your column, “These gigantic lizards loved warm environments.” Did you interview any dinosaurs when you worked at the Star Ledger? Just wondering…

What else did I love about your column, beside…

24: Season Knicks

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The following takes place between 6:00pm and 7:00pm

Jack Bauer: If we don’t get a hold of those nukes, this entire city is going to go up in flames!

Isiah Thomas: Do you think I’m not aware of that, Jack? I’m acquiring assets as we speak!

Bauer: What kind of assets? Are we getting extra manpower here at CTU? Because that would really help me out right now…

Isiah: I got Jerome James.

Bauer: Who’s that? A new counter-terrorist specialist?

Isiah: He averaged 4.9 points during the 2004-05 season, Jack.

Bauer:…

Jerome James: ‘Sup.

Isiah: Jack Bauer, Jerome James.

Bauer: Jerome, listen to me – we need to find out where those nuclear weapons are. We’re tracking Abu Fayed right now, the man behind this whole operation. He’s working out of a warehouse in a nearby suburb of San Diego, and we have three Special Ops teams ready to move in. I need you to work with Chloe on mapping out a grid of the surrounding areas. She’ll log you in under her password, okay? Now go.

James: Whoa, whoa, man. I just got here.…

Classic card of the week

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Bryant Reeves, 1997 Upper Deck

Webster’s defines clutch as: to grasp or hold with or as if with the hand or claws usually strongly, tightly, or suddenly. In that respect, it is plain to see that Bryant Reeves was indeed clutch, because he played for the Grizzlies – grizzlies, remember, have claws – and when he looked up at the clock and saw – in digital lettering – “crunch time,” he would grasp the basketball strongly AND tightly with his claws, and suddenly, the Vancouver Grizzlies would be victorious. Other players in NBA lore – like Jerry West or Michael Jordan – have been labeled as “clutch,” but neither of them ever beat the Houston Rockets on December 17, 1996 with a last second shot: Such was the case with Bryant “Big Country” Reeves in a matchup against Hakeem Olajuwon and the Houston Rockets. With only 5.8 seconds left in the game, Reeves connected on a shot and gave Vancouver a 93-92 win. Reeves would go to explain his penchant for clutchness in a 1998 interview with Ebony Ma…

Classic card of the week

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*Special Friday edition
Mike Gminski, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Mike Gminski didn’t think Dell Curry was playing adequate defense, so – as Mike Gminski often did - he took matters into his own hands. Said Gminski, “Dell could shoot, don’t get me wrong. But defense wasn’t his strong suit. Dell didn’t have the toughness to stay with his man. I mean, the guy was emaciated! We would go on team trips to McDonalds and Dell would order one chicken nugget, and whatever crumbs fell into his chest hair – that was his breakfast the next morning. I’d be like, ‘Dell, get a freakin No. 3 meal - (that was the quarter-pounder meal) – and Supersize that bitch!’ That’s what I’d say to him. Seriously, just like that. They didn’t have Supersize back then, but I always got mine Supersized anyway. I knew the workers there. But Dell would like, ‘Nah Mike Gminski, I’m not very hungry,’ and I’d like, ‘But Dell, you’re matching up against that pint-sized bespectacled fellow on the Sixers tonight! That guy’s gonna …