Posts

Showing posts from August, 2006

Classic card of the week

Image
Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

You probably can’t tell from this picture, but Ed Lynch was ecstatic when he found out he was being traded from the New York Mets to the Chicago Cubs back in 1986. Seriously, he was thrilled. Amazingly, the Ed Lynch-less Mets went on to win the World Series, while the Cubs…didn’t. But that certainly wasn’t Ed Lynch’s fault – his sparkling 7-5 record and dazzling 3.79 ERA placed him 112th in the NL Cy Young vote that year. Not too shabby for a guy with four chins. It is stated on the back of this particular card that “Ed lists reading and sailing among his hobbies.” So, it’s fairly obvious that Ed Lynch was one wild mother – shut your mouth. Unfortunately, Lynch would later retract that statement, claiming he was misquoted. What he really liked was reading about sailing. He couldn’t actually get on a sailboat because he suffered from seasickness, asthma, and nosebleeds, plus the sun wasn’t good for his fair skin. Many in and around baseball at the time believe it wa…

Employees must wash hands…from now on

Image
We just got a new hand soap dispenser installed in the men’s room here at work, and this is BIG news. Maybe it is not big news to you, a person who, most likely, works in an environment with many soap dispensers, and many toilets that flush on the first try. But to us, this is historic.



Before the soap dispenser, cleaning your hands after dropping a deuce here at work was not very easy. Sure, we had a hand soap dispenser, but it was small, and portable, and was often nowhere to be found when it was time to get poop off of your hands. Maybe it fell in the garbage. Maybe it was on the back of the toilet instead of the sink. Maybe it was in the toilet. Maybe I should have located its whereabouts before I dropped my pants. Regardless, the new soap dispenser is actually affixed to the wall, so it should not fall into the toilet, unless otherwise provoked.



Another problem with the old soap dispenser (which was, let’s be honest here – a plastic tube of hand soap) was that it was often empty wh…

Classic card of the week

Image
Steve Buechele, 1989 Donruss

Steve Buechele had to wear a hat at all times, or else a strong gust of wind would actually blow the hair off of his head and into the stands, and he would have to wait four months for it to grow back again, unless a fan was kind enough to return it. Amazingly, Buechele was not even, technically, a major league baseball player. In 1985, the substitute math teacher from Arlington, Texas won a free trip to the Texas Rangers’ Fantasy Camp as a result of placing second in the “Annual Arlington Adult Diorama Contest.” (First prize was a gift certificate to Denny’s.) Upon arrival to the camp, Buechele was extremely disappointed, and called his mom from a payphone to inform her that his “fantasy” was NOT to spend a week with “17 jackasses dressed in tight pants who probably don’t even know their multiplication tables.” Buechele, whose brother-in-law was a lawyer, actually went on to sue the Texas Rangers over the concept of “fantasy camp,” and was eventually award…

Classic card of the week

Image
*Special Friday edition
Brooks Kieschnick, 1994 Pinnacle


Brooks Kieschnick is not an actor. Brooks Kieschnick is a fantastic baseball player who just happens to make fabulous catches when baseball card companies are there to take his picture. The story goes like this. Kieschnick was a rookie with the Cubs, and was participating in spring workouts in 1994 when the Pinnacle baseball card company arrived to take some rookie pictures for their upcoming “Draft Pick” set. The original plan for Kieschnick was a posed shot in which he was happily juggling four baseballs at the same time. With no shirt on. Upon hearing about the plan, Kieschnick told a friend, “That is gay. I’m not doing that. That is so gay.” Brooks Kieschnick did not believe in posed photographs. (Even his wedding pictures had a journalistic flair.) So, when Pinnacle arrived, Brooks Kieschnick would not stop shagging flies in the outfield. He was shagging flies like Willie Mays. One Pinnacle executive screamed to Kieschnick fr…

Classic card of the week

Image
John Smiley, 1988 Topps

Try as he may, John Smiley could not escape his lovable name. It was especially difficult for John Smiley to adjust to his namesake considering that he was a pitcher, a position that required an intimidating presence. Opposing hitters were often heard saying in the dugout, “Who’s pitching today? Oh, Smiley? For real? Well, he ain’t going to be smilin’ when I hit four home runs off his happy ass.” This put Smiley at a distinct disadvantage. He often tried to compensate for this lack of respect by making a mean face – like the one you see in this picture – but the end result was a look that screamed, “But MOM! I don’t like mashed potatoes!” One time, after a bad loss to the Atlanta Braves in which he gave up seven earned runs in three innings, Smiley was seen hanging his head in the dugout, noticeably upset. It was at this point when teammate Barry Bonds approached him and screamed, “Hey, why are YOU so smiley? We lost, idiot!” Then, Bonds and Bobby Bonilla starte…

A portrait of the writer as a bad golfer

Image
Last Sunday I returned from a week-long golf vacation in which I shanked shots and tore up chunks of grass for 10 hours a day in what local meteorologists described as the “heat wave that is literally 5-degrees warmer than hell.” And believe it or not, I had a blast.

Every year, my father-in-law and three brothers-in-law travel to some faraway land to play golf for a week. Now, when I say “play golf” I don’t mean that they play like, a round a day or something. That would be, for them, the equivalent of going to a fancy restaurant and ordering a cracker. One round of golf is not nearly enough golf. The purpose of their golf excursions is to cram as much golf as possible into each and every day. Sleeping and eating are only necessary evils that are required to prepare for more golf. So yeah, we played two rounds a day for six straight days, and that’s not counting last Sunday, when we only played one round because we arrived in Williamsburg, Virginia earlier than expected and, well, dec…

Sports Superfriends…Unite!

Image
Professional athletes are just like you and I, except for their extreme athleticism, lifestyle, ridiculously inflated bank accounts, bodies, and overall perception of life itself. But except for that, they’re pretty much just like us. So, like us, athletes need companionship, and not just from groupies. Athletes need companionship from other athletes. Not in a “Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm kind of way” - although that’s cool too, sort of – but in a “Hey, would you like to grab a beer and a burger and talk about the coach behind his back?” kind of way.

It’s hard to believe sometimes, but athletes are often friends with each other. Except for Barry Bonds, who never really had many friends, except for the close group of “yes-men” who are currently selling him out to avoid jail time. Not good times for him. But in general, athletes are buddies. In that respect, let’s take a closer look at the bestest friends in all of sports. Because that’s what we like to do here on this blog – bring p…

Classic card of the week

Image
George Wright, 1986 Topps

George Wright is very suspicious of your actions. What kind of crap are you trying to pull on George Wright anyway? Do you think he doesn’t see you? Look at you over there, happily conversing with members of the other team. Don’t you know that they’re the enemy! George Wright would never do something like that, which is why he is very wary of you. George Wright is poised to take pre-game batting practice. It is almost his turn. What are you doing? Fooling around? If your actions do not cease, George Wright has the good sense to go and tell the manager. Besides, George Wright is sick of platooning in the outfield, and any chance he has to get your lazy ass on the bench, he will grab with the same gusto in which he takes batting practice. That is mucho gusto. Really though, did you think you were beyond the vision of George Wright? Did you not know that his peripheral is 20/20? You’re his teammate – you should know stuff like that. Wait – George Wright has becom…