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Showing posts from January, 2006

Members Only

When my sister and brother-in-law gave my wife and I a paid membership to Costco for Christmas, I initially thought it was a nice gesture. But then I realized it was not very nice. Not very nice at all.

It was a rainy day last Sunday when my wife and I went to Costco to activate our Costco membership, and to also potentially shop for Costco-related items. I decided to get a shopping cart, because it seemed like we were in for the long haul. I was surprised to realize that Costco shopping carts were much larger than the shopping carts I was used to. Ya’ know, the kind of carts you only see at stores that carry puny-sized items that come individually wrapped, like toothbrushes.

There are friendly “bouncers” at the Costco entrance doors, except they are not very friendly. But what they lack in friendliness, they make up for in body fat. They are there to check your Costco membership card, and if you do not have one, you are s.o.l. They do not accept excuses, like, “I left it at home,” or …

Dear Overnight Mouth Guard

Dear Overnight Mouth Guard,

When my dentist told me two years ago that, because I grind my teeth so badly while I sleep, I would have to wear a mouth guard every night for the rest of my life, I have to admit - I was skeptical. Apparently, if my teeth-grinding continued at the rapid rate it was at, my teeth would simply turn into grains of sand within two years, and I would begin to start accidentally swallowing my own teeth sand while eating a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, which would not have been cool. The only way to put a halt to this erosion was to wear a mouth guard, so I could rest easy knowing that my top and bottom teeth would not be playing a game of tug-of-war inside my mouth, because they could not get through the impenetrable force-field of hard plastic that cost around $800.

Still, I wondered, was I being punished for all those years of neglecting to wear that hellish overnight, denim head-set for my braces, that resembled a football helmet from 1934? And the rubber …

The breaker breaker

My role as “Mr. Fix-it” around the house was again enhanced, when, a few months ago, I changed the cover on our doorbell without any assistance whatsoever from a professional in the field of doorbell cover replacement. Of course, this task took me about twenty minutes, and I did seek confirmation of what to do when I realized that one of the screws was attached to several wires. I even debated turning off all the power in the house before I loosened the screw, until it occurred to me that I would have had to seek assistance for THAT as well, since I have no clue where there exists a “central power system” in our house. I assumed it was somewhere in our laundry room, where there is an intricate series of knobs, levers, hot water heaters, pipes, switches, and the like, all of whose functions were adequately explained to me several times from several different people when we bought our house, to which I nodded my head in agreement. “Of COURSE I know what knob to turn in case our collater…